DISCLAIMER: DBZ is not mine; neither is SpongeBob Squarepants.
A/N: Don't even ask...just don't. No, the whole tacos thing has nothing to do with Gir from Invader Zim., and no, I don't mean to offend Kaioshin fans in any way. It's humor.
------------------------------------------------
I Want My Tacos!!!
by Meressefers
------------------------------------------------
One beautiful, chronologically impossible day, Higashi no Kaioshin and his loyal bodyguard were traipsing about the fields of the planet Kaioshin-Kai --
Upon hearing the narration, the two immortals came to a halt. "'Traipsing?'" inquired 'Shin.
"We are definitely not 'traipsing,' Master," Kibito assured him. "In any case, it doesn't sound right"
"Indeed." Kaioshin cast an admonitory look around, hoping to convey his displeasure to the narrator. It worked.
One beautiful, chronologically impossible day, Higashi no Kaioshin and his loyal bodyguard were frolicking in the fields --
The two looked completely aghast. "That's infinitely worse!" they shouted in unison.
*sigh* One beautiful and chronologically impossible day, Higashi no Kaioshin and his loyal bodyguard were walking stolidly through the fields of Kaioshin-Kai -- well, Kaioshin was floating gracefully and Kibito was walking stolidly, much like a baby elephant.
"I resent that," said Kibito, but the matter was left untouched.
Anyway, the two were taking a nice, late-morning stroll when a loud, grumbling sound startled them.
"Master, what was that?" Kibito asked fearfully.
"Um, just my stomach," said 'Shin. He looked down at his rumbling belly. "I'm fairly starving. What time is ii, Kibito?" The servitor tapped his bare wrist and looked up at his lord. "Oh, right." The short god snapped his fingers and a pocket watch appeared in his hand. He looked at it, and his jaw dropped. "Noon already?!? No wonder I'm hungry." He glanced across the vast purple horizon. "Come, Kibito, let's go get my tacos."
Kibito gaped at him as if he had sprouted horns. "Your tacos, sir? What are you talking about?!?"
"The leftovers from last night, you silly. They should make a good lunch." Kibito continued to gawk, partially in shock at being called a silly goose, partially because he had neither any idea what a taco was nor any recollection of eating one the night before. This quizzical silence continued for a few more moments. Finally, Kaioshin flicked his hair out of his face with uncharacteristic impatience. "I SAID, come, Kibito, let's go get my tacos."
Kibito broke out of his trance. "Yes, Master." They started back off the way they had come.
When they returned to Kaioshin's palace, the deity ran straight for the kitchen, Kibito jogging uneasily behind him. 'Shin pulled the fridge door open anxiously and scanned the shelves. "Let's see...milk, orange juice...where did I put them?" He felt someone tap on his shoulder and looked up. "What is it?"
"Um, sir?" Kibito cast an inquiring glance at the fridge. "What is...this?"
"Oh, a refrigerator."
"We didn't have this 'refrigerator' before, did we?"
'Shin gave Kibito a blank look, blinked, and went back to his searching. "Where could it be?" He frowned. "Kibito, do you know where I put my tacos?"
"Noooo, sir."
"Here, you look." Kaioshin pushed Kibito towards the fridge. "Do you see them anywhere?"
"I do not, Master." Kibito, his head shoved halfway into the fridge, felt his teeth chatter. "Couldn't you, ah, conjure some up yourself?"
"I could," pondered the deity, "but I'd much rather have the leftovers."
"Um, I'll make you some, Master. It's no big deal," Kibito offered, sensing that his lord was in a lazy mood today.
"No, no, don't worry about it." Kaioshin shook his head. "I don't want you to trouble yourself, Kibito. Just find the tacos, please."
"I don't see them, sir," said Kibito, finally closing the fridge door.
"What do you mean you don't see them?" Kaioshin inquired. Then in dawned on him. "*He* must have eaten them. I'm going to kill him!"With this, Supreme Kai stomped out of the kitchen and down the hall.
"Who ate them? Who are you going to kill?!?" Kibito sped after his master, who stopped at a door and knocked loudly.
"Sir? Are you in there?" 'Shin called out angrily. There was no answer, merely some murmuring behind the door. He rapped again. "Sir???"
This time the door opened, and Rou Kaioshin poked his head out. "Whatever you want," he said, "make it quick. I'm trying to read, you know!" Kibito, knowing what Rou's reading material consisted of, just rolled his eyes. 'Shin, however, was not paying any mind to this particular transgression of his ancestor.
"Did you eat my tacos, sir?" the younger god demanded.
"What in hell are you talking about, kid?" asked Rou, extremely confused. "What tacos?"
"MY tacos. They were in the refrigerator," 'Shin said tersely. "Did you eat them or not?"
"Of course not! Why would I eat your damn tacos?!" Rou then looked suspiciously at his descendant. "Wait a minute -- we don't have a refrigerator. You're pulling my leg, aren't you?"
"THIS IS NOT A JEST!!! HAND OVER THE TACOS NOW!!!" Kaioshin boomed. Kibito took a nervous step away from his master, and Rou Kaioshin just laughed, still seeming to think that it was all a big joke. 'Shin's eyes narrowed. "You think this is funny, do you??? I want my tacos NOW!" He bore the creepiest, most evil smile imaginable.
Rou immediately stopped laughing. "Listen, I don't know where your tacos are. I don't even know what you're talking about. Now if you'll excuse me, I'd like to get back to my reading." He was about to close the door when Kaioshin glared and thrust his hand out. Boom. Flash. Soon the senior deity was nothing but a pile of ashes on the ground. A moment of silence passed, and then Kibito freaked out.
"HOWCOULDYOUSIRYOUHADNOPROOFHEWOULDN'THAVEDONEITBUTITDOESN'TMATTERIMEANTHEY'REJUSTTACOSSOWHY'DYOUHAVETOGOANDKILLHIM?!?" he shrieked in horror.
'Shin raised an eyebrow, apparently calm. "I'm sorry, Kibito, but I didn't catch a word of that. Can you repeat yourself?"
Kibito calmed down as well. "Sir, look at what you've done! Why did you kill him? You had no proof he stole your tacos, and even if he did, they're just tacos. Why did you kill him?!?"
Kaioshin's eyes narrowed again. "What do you mean?"
"He didn't do anything, Master, so how could you?!?"
"I see what you're getting at now," said 'Shin, looking positively demonic. "You feel guilty that I killed him for taking my tacos when YOU were the perpetrator of the crime. YOU ATE MY TACOS!!!"
"Sir, I did no such thing!"
"DON'T LIE TO ME, KIBITO!!! NEVER HAVE I BEEN SO BETRAYED IN ALL MY LIFE!!! YOU STOLE MY TACOS AND DON'T EVEN HAVE THE DECENCY TO OWN UP TO THE DEED!!"
"But sir --"
"DON'T 'SIR' ME!!! THIEF! TRAITOR! YOU PUT YOUR SELFISH DESIRES BEFORE ME!!!"
"Please listen --"
"NO!!! THIS IS UNFORGIVABLE, KIBITO, UNFORGIVABLE!!! I HEREBY BANISH YOU TO THE SEA!!!"
"What?!? But sir --" Kibito pleaded. Kaioshin pointed his finger at him and *poof* the bodyguard was gone. Alone on his planet, 'Shin tore through his palace, searching for his tacos and destroying all things else. When there was no more palace left to search, he did the same to the surrounding lands.
Finally, whent there was nothing left at all, he stood panting against the charred, barren landscape and sooty air of Kaioshin-Kai. A vein in his forehead throbbed, and his maniacal, bloodshot eyes bulged. All his anger burst forth in one desperate cry to the heavens.
"I WANT MY TACOS!!!"
Boom.
Kaioshin-Kai was no more.
***
Under the sea, a sea star and a pants-wearing sponge were going jellyfishing.
"I'm going to catch more than you, SpongeBob!" said the former, waving his net with as much bravado as a sea star can display.
"We'll just see about that, Patrick," the sponge claimed good-naturedly. "*I* am the jellyfishing champion." He laughed.
"Are not!"
"Am too!"
As the two creatures approached their usual jellyfishing spot, they felt the sea floor shake under their feet. "What was that?" Patrick asked apprehensively.
"I dunno. It seems like the stolid gait of a baby elephant," SpongeBob said in all solemnity.
"What's an elephant?" asked Patrick. SpongeBob replied that he had no clue.
When they reached the place, they saw that the source of the shaking was not a pachyderm, but a tall, pink-red man pacing back and forth. "Who are you?" SpongeBob asked.
The man looked up (he had been looking at the ground as he walked), and his eyes widened at the sight of the two sea creatures. He stopped pacing. "Stay away from me!' His face wore a mixture of fear, confusion, anger, and sorrow.
"I'm SpongeBob, and this is Patrick," the sponge told the man cheerfully. "Hey, do you like to jellyfish?"
"No!" The man backed away fearfully. Patrick noticed a shiny blue object against the sand and picked it up. The man put a hand to his earlobe and gasped. "Th-that is my earring," he stammered. "Return it immediately!"
"That's not very nice," said Patrick. Not having ears, he clipped the earring to the side of his head and said, "Look at me, I'm Mr. Mean. Nyah, nyah, nyah!"
"Ah! No!" screamed the man as he as the sea star were propelled together. "AAAAAAHHHH!!!"
"Whoa, cool!" shouted Patrick. The two beings merged into one -- the true punishment in banishment to the sea.
~FINIS~
***
The Moral of the Story:
Tacos are like communists. If you are associated with them in any way, you can be sure that you will come to a bad end at the hands of either Joseph McCarthy or the Supreme Kai...no, wait, that doesn't make any sense... let's try this again...
People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw tacos...no...um...you can lead a taco to water but you can't make it drink...that's not right, either. I give up!