A/N:
I apologise in advance for any inaccuracies regarding the topic of alcohol poisoning and the alcohol addiction. I did as much research on it as I could (and vomited this entire thing out in one day) so please forgive me…
Also if I got the mechanics of the Willow app wrong, please don't kill me. And please go easy on any (hopefully non-existent) errors in characterisation, grammar etc. I think it's pretty obvious that this wasn't betaread.
Warning: mentions of alcohol poisoning, alcohol addiction, some possibly graphic images present
Title taken from and story based off of Camisado by Panic! At The Disco. Most of the song lyrics have been worked into the story as well, so if you recognise it from the song… yeah.
Camisado
"You know if you keep this up, you'll have a place at the top of the ICU patients' hall of fame, right?"
"Well, what can I say?" He spread his hands imperiously, careful not to yank the IV from his arm. "I'm a regular decorated emergency." Goddammit, he really should do more practice of not rising to Livvy's bait every single fucking time.
"Christopher Herondale, I swear to God-"
"No, I swear to God that if you don't leave me alone, Livia Blackthorn, I shall get very, very unhappy."
Livvy gave a groan of frustration and kicked his hospital bed. "Most people are stubborn," she complained. "But you are straight-up rigid, you know that?"
Kit didn't deign to look at her - he wouldn't give her the satisfaction of getting a rise out of him in any form ever again.
"I know that it sucks," Livvy began more gently, but he cut her off. So much from not giving her the satisfaction.
"Yeah, it does," he snapped. "You know why? Because I'm super far gone for him and all he'll ever see me as is his best friend."
"Kit-"
"And the worst thing? He's not even dating anybody." Kit laughed bitterly and crossed his legs under the sheets. He leaned his head back on the pillow, breathing in the tang of drugs and disinfectant. "What a wonderful life."
"You know that he does care about you," Livvy insisted. "A lot. And you of all people should know that he gets worse than upset when you're hurt."
A faint pang of guilt assaulted him, and he turned his head away in a pathetic attempt to stop her from seeing the look on his face.
"Everyone just wants to help you, Kit," Livvy said. "Jules, Emma, Jace, Alec, Jem, Tessa… they're all worried about you. And you know that they - we - all love you."
"Really," he said, but his heart wasn't in the sarcasm.
Livvy's eyes were desperate, imploring. "Kit, please," she begged. "Stop doing this to yourself."
But she didn't know that it was almost therapeutic for him, to finally have a sequence of events that he knew, that he could control. She didn't know that this was one fight she couldn't take him out of.
"I'll be outside," Livvy told him.
She got up from the chair and left the ICU, leaving Kit to go back to his self-imposed misery in peace.
XXXXXXXX
The minute the door swung shut behind her, she saw him get up from the row of chairs outside the room and come towards her. Livvy steeled herself again - she couldn't keep playing double agent forever, but what could she do but try?
Ty's fingers were plucking feverishly at the cord of his headphones. "How is he?"
"He'll make it," she reassured him, though the words but you and I both know he'll probably be back here within a week hung unspoken in the air.
Her brother's eyes wandered to his hands, which were trembling violently, and she grabbed them, holding on with all the strength she had.
"Why?" Ty's voice broke. "Why does he have to keep hurting himself?"
She could feel tears building up in the back of her throat. Livvy pulled Ty into a hug, and his arms went around her neck, clutching at her like she was a lifeline.
"We won't let him," she said. "We won't let this happen again, okay?"
"It hurts, Livvy," he mumbled hoarsely. "I love him and he doesn't know that it hurts me when he gets himself landed in the ICU all the time for alcohol poisoning of all the damn things because he's in love with someone else."
Livvy stroked his hair, blinking back the hot tears in her eyes. "Life is screwed up," she said, more to herself than to him.
Because it was. God, it was.
XXXXXXXX
The drinking was like anesthesia, in a sense. It took away the pain and hopelessness of his unrequited feelings, leaving a numb void in its place.
He knew that he had been drinking too much, of course he did. It was obvious to anyone with half a brain - he'd been in the ICU enough times to worry Livvy and Jace and everyone else who gave a damn about him for reasons he didn't know.
But every time he sat back and let the meds flow through the IV in his arm, it felt less like a relapse and more like a release.
The bruises on his knuckles throbbed in protest, and he bit back a wince. He didn't remember how he'd gotten them - he must have hit something or someone while he was drunk. Figures.
Breaths wheezed in and out of his lungs in shallow bursts as he half-listened to the doctor's droning. He wasn't really paying attention, though, only catching disjointed words like "dialysis" and "coma" and other snippets of medi-slang that - though he would never admit it - sent a thrill of fear through him. Ty probably understood these things better than he ever could.
And there it was. The proverbial kryptonite.
The doctor snapped his ledger shut and left. Kit wondered how long it would be before he could sneak out of the house again. Hopefully two weeks at the most. He didn't think he could stand more than a fortnight without the alcohol to numb the ache in his chest.
Because try as he might, he knew this was one quarantine wing he wasn't getting out of.
XXXXXXXX
The first thing Kit heard as he stepped through the door, crutches clacking against the doorway, was Jace's voice, cool and emotionless.
"You're grounded."
Kit glanced at his cousin and made his way over to the dining table. Jace sat on the sofa, back ramrod straight.
"And you're not leaving this house for a single goddamn second either."
Kit reached for a butter knife in the drawer and began making a peanut butter sandwich.
"You're going to stay here, and every day either Julian, Cameron, Alec or Livia will be coming over to alcoholic-sit, so don't try anything."
Silently, Kit wiped the excess peanut butter on the outside of the bread. Finally, Jace twisted around to face him, golden eyes smouldering with tamped-down rage. "Did you listen to a single word I just told you?"
"Yeah, I got it," Kit answered, more vehemently than he intended.
Jace got up and crossed over to the dining table. He sat down adjacent to Kit and steepled his fingers, studying his fingernails. Kit noted that they were jagged - he'd obviously been biting them.
He tried not to feel guilty about making Jace worry about him.
"Christopher-" Jace said.
"Don't call me that."
"Whatever." Jace peered up at him tiredly. "I'm not asking you to let him go," he said. "That's not possible. I should know."
Kit glanced at him again, surprised. Jace didn't talk much about Clary these days - she'd been stabbed during an attempted robbery - but he knew that Jace had loved her more than anyone and anything.
"But you can't let yourself go," Jace went on, his eyes dark. "You have to keep going, even if you don't know what you're living for, because you'll find a way."
"Did you?" Kit asked.
Jace looked at him, and clapped a hand on his shoulder. "I did," he said.
Despite himself, Kit smiled.
XXXXXXXX
"Jace!" shrieked Livvy in the dark. "Alec! Help me!"
Alec careened unsteadily into the hall, eyes wide with panic. He grabbed Kit from behind, wrapping his arms around his shoulders like a human straitjacket.
Kit loosed a guttural scream, and Livvy's heart clenched. She shoved back at Kit just as Jace arrived with something in his hand and smacked him hard round the head.
Kit crumpled to the floor, and Jace scrambled over to him, abandoning the baseball bat.
Alec looked past Livvy at Cameron, who was nursing his bleeding nose. "You guys okay?"
Cameron nodded, getting to his feet. Livvy stared down at Kit's form, all pale veiny skin and irregular breathing.
"This has to stop." Jace's tone was listless. "We can't just keep knocking him out till his skull cracks open."
"Can we get him a counsellor?" Alec asked.
"He won't talk to anyone."
"Get him a plant?" suggested Cameron, words muffled by the collar of his T-shirt, which he was pressing against his nose.
"It'll be a fond memory in three days."
"Get him a cactus, then. It's prickly and tough, just like him."
"I appreciate your wit, Ashdown, but he's more likely to stab himself in the face with it."
"I have an idea," Livvy said. All three men turned to look at her.
After she was done, Jace stood. "Seeing as we're all out of ideas anyway, and since the situation's the way you say it is, I guess it's worth a shot," he declared. "Livia, you mind taking point on this?"
She thought back to all the times Kit had been there for her. He'd stood up for her when the guys at school hit on her, he'd snuck out of class to help her finish her science project on time, hell, he'd even waited outside the girls' bathroom with Ty when she got her first period during their shared physics lesson. She wouldn't have left him to the dogs if you offered her all the money in the world.
"Sure thing," Livvy said, stooping and taking hold of Kit's arm, slinging it over her shoulder. Jace grabbed hold of the other, and they began hauling him back upstairs, Alec and Cameron trailing behind.
"How long are you staying tonight?" she heard her boyfriend ask.
Alec yawned before replying. "Magnus is coming over at two," he said. "Simon's going to be here at seven."
"Cool," Cameron's voice said, just before Jace toed the door shut behind them.
XXXXXXXX
"Good, you're awake," Livvy's voice came from above him.
Kit opened his eyes, but kept them fixed on the ceiling. The memories of last night's relapse came back to him, and he bit his lip.
"Is Cameron okay?" he asked.
Out of the corner of his eye, Livvy shrugged. "You didn't break his nose, just made it bleed, so he's fine," she said. "You, on the other hand, clearly are not."
Kit remained silent.
"You have the right to remain silent," Livvy told him.
"I am keeping silent," he said.
"Not anymore." Livvy scooted over so she was sitting on the edge of his mattress, directly in his line of sight. "I've got an idea," she said.
"What? Are you getting me a Tinder account?"
"I was going to say Willow, it's more personality-based," Livvy said. "Anyway, I'm glad you know it. Whether you mind it is the issue on the table."
Strangely, he didn't. "Okay," he said, sitting up in his bed and reaching for his phone.
Livvy goggled at him. "What-"
"Yeah, what?" He unlocked his phone with one hand, grabbed his mug of water with the other, and let his thumb fly over the screen, ignoring the dull aches of the half-healed bruises on his hands. "He's not waiting for me, so why should I?"
He took a sip of water, waiting for her comeback, but Livvy said nothing, just pulled out her phone and exited the room.
XXXXXXXX
Get a willow account. Now.
Why?
Because i told you to. Because you love me. Omg just do it please okay?
You owe me an explanation, Livvy.
Yeah yeah whatever
XXXXXXXX
Kit took a gulp of his water as he sat in his bed, phone in hand. To his left, Jace sat in his favourite gaming chair, swivelling from side to side idly.
"Can you not?" Kit said, patience finally reaching its admittedly low limit.
Jace flashed a grin that would have brought a dozen girls (and boys) to their knees at his feet in a heartbeat. "I can't not, actually," he answered. "I do believe I've lost the ability to effectively not."
"You know what I mean. Stop twirling around on my chair like it's your personal carousel."
"I bought it for you, so technically it is."
"Ugh, stop!" Kit squeezed his eyes shut. "You're being distracting. And no, don't make some joke about your attractiveness, because as hot as you may think you are, that's not what's distracting me."
"I don't think I'm hot. I know I'm hot." Jace rolled the chair over to Kit's bed. "So, what am I distracting you from, little cousin?" Quick as a cat, he plucked the phone from Kit's grasp and started scrolling through it.
"Fascinating," he said, pretending not to hear Kit's protests. "So you're on Willow now, huh? Why not Tinder? You're sure to get laid there. Hey, why'd you put your name down as Christopher and not Kit? Nuh uh, I'm not giving it back," he said off Kit's latest interjection. "Not even if you shove your baseball bat up my - oh."
Kit stopped yelling. "I said your ass, not your oh, whatever that is," he repeated, pronouncing each word loudly, in case Jace was going prematurely deaf from his excessive screaming.
"Wow, you're pretty mature, aren't you," Jace said - he clearly wasn't listening to Kit anymore. "This app is based on interests, not hot profile pics. I'm proud of you, kid."
That caught Kit off guard. "Thank you?" he said. "Now give me back my phone."
Jace obliged, and Kit went back to scrolling.
"And I'm not looking for a date, I'm looking for a kindred spirit," he added. "I'm pretty sure there are plenty of other kids out there who get friendzoned and get drunk because of it. People like us gotta stick together, you know-"
He stopped scrolling, eyes flashing across the question posted on the screen.
Jace seemed to notice that something had happened. "What?" he asked, leaning in to read over Kit's shoulder.
"Whoa, look at that name, though," he said. "We already know a Tiberius, though, don't we, Kit?"
"Yeah..." Kit stared down at his phone. "It's a valid question, though. Like, is anyone even using this app anymore? It was released in 2015, right? That was like… ages ago."
It can't be him, he thought.
It totally could, though…
He tapped the question and began writing an answer, shutting off the sight of Jace's grinning face.
XXXXXXXX
Is anyone still using this app?
i am
Hi.
Why did you join Willow?
i got friendzoned
and i need to talk to someone who knows how i feel
Me too, actually.
well fuck
My sister made me get an account. She wouldn't tell me why, but that's fine by me.
my friend made me do it
actually she kind of gave me a choice but she didn't give me a choice
do you know what i mean?
No.
she said that whether i agreed to do it was an issue for discussion, but i got the feeling that she would be disappointed if i didn't. and i'm not supposed to make her sad.
I see.
Is it okay if I ask about your friend who friendzoned you?
dure
*sure
How did you meet her?
him. i'm pan.
Ah.
anyway, we've been classmates since forever so yeah
Same here.
wow it's like we're twins or something
That's not possible. I already have a twin.
r u going to tell me their name?
I don't think so.
that's fair i guess
talk more later?
Okay.
XXXXXXXX
"I hope for your sake you didn't hide a whoopee cushion under the sofa," Livvy warned, glaring at Kit.
Next to her, Ty laughed, and as usual, Kit felt all his attention go to him like scrap metal getting sucked up by an electromagnet.
"Fine, you got me," he said, voice higher than usual, and he went over to the sofa and removed the offending cushion. "Happy?"
Livvy smirked and sat down on the sofa. Ty curled up at the other end, and Kit settled in the armchair.
His phone buzzed, and he pulled it out to see the notification from Willow. Grinning, he pulled up the app.
Hi.
what's up?
What are you doing?
He glanced over at the twins, who were both immersed in their phones.
the guy who friendzoned me and the friend who made me join willow are at my house rn
Oh.
well it beats being in the icu
That's true.
He glanced up at Ty.
he's busy looking at his phone and im busy staring at him
sigh
A minute later, the reply appeared, and with an effort he tore his eyes away from Ty and looked down at the phone.
That's sad. I know.
you do?
Yes, I do. It's odd, really - I usually can't look straight at people but I can't seem to stop staring at him.
yup
it sucks
I'm staring at him right now.
oh
He's just sitting there. He's looking at his phone too, just like your guy.
damn
Like my friend used to say, damn is right.
your guy taught you well then ;)
Ty giggled.
The sound was so foreign and un-Ty-like that Kit gaped.
"What are you doing?" he asked, before he could stop himself.
Ty glanced up at him, eyes coming up to his shoulder, and Kit caught a glimpse of the stormy grey that always sent his heart racing.
"Nothing," he said, before turning his attention back to his phone.
Trying not to feel like he'd been slapped, Kit looked at the new message on his phone.
I can't even talk to him more than a few words anymore.
Sometimes I wish that I could just grab him and…
You know.
It's driving me insane.
you're not the only one
he wont even tell me what he's doing anymore
Oh, no.
Kit risked a glance at Ty. His face was blank.
and as your guy would say, oh no is right
XXXXXXXX
Kit woke up in the middle of the night, gasping.
Reflexively, he grabbed his phone, yanking it free of the charging cable by accident, and began typing with shaking fingers.
help me
What?
i need you to just talk to me okay
About what?
somethjng anything just
i need you to distract me okay if not im pretty sure im going to try and get myself drunk again and idw to end up in the icu anymore please just help me
My friend and I were like Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson. From the books, not the shows. I always preferred the books.
He always understood when I needed time alone. He always understood what I needed, period.
Then we went to different colleges, and it was like a part of me had stayed with him when I left.
It was horrible.
Are you still there?
my guy is like
he's the smartest person i know
and the kindest
and also the most beautiful person ive ever seen in my life and that includes myself
we went to different colleges too, like i went to ucla and he got into harvard
like ever since he boarded that plane i just
i just couldn't take it
maybe that's one reason why college students have the highest risk of alcohol poisoning
My friend had alcohol poisoning too.
it sucks
it's like i want to stop but at the same time i think that if i dont stop ill die of all this pain
but i guess the pain tells you that ur still alive
idk
I think that's true.
whyd your friend go alcoholic?
I don't know the actual reason. My sister-in-law says it's because he's "more whipped than a bottle of whipped cream". I took that to mean he's currently in love with someone else.
my guy is single, and that makes it even worse knowing i still don't stand a chance
I see.
Are you okay now?
Kit paused at the question.
i think so
thank you
for helping me
He stared anxiously at his phone, waiting for the reply.
Don't mention it.
I couldn't help my friend. I don't think he'd let me if I asked. But at least I helped you. I guess that makes up for it.
fair enough
Good night.
right back at you
XXXXXXXX
The door to his room opened, and he didn't need to look up to know that it was Ty who stood in the doorway. "What the hell's going on with you?"
Kit didn't answer.
"You keep getting yourself drunk, you won't let me see you when you're in the hospital, you won't even talk properly to me anymore," Ty said. Kit pretended not to notice how his hands were fluttering at his sides. "What did I do?"
What did you do? Kit wanted to scream. You mean what did I do? I fell in love with you. I couldn't handle it. It's my fault. Not yours.
But of course he couldn't tell him that, could he?
"Leave me alone," he said quietly. "Please."
Ty's eyes were glistening. "Kit-"
"Go away, Ty," Kit said, his voice breaking embarrassingly on the last word, but he couldn't stop now. "Please just go."
He pretended not to hear Ty's sob, pretended that he didn't notice the slump of his shoulders or the force with which his bedroom door slammed shut.
People kept telling each other to deal with it. But he couldn't. No matter what he did, he couldn't deal with his unrequited love. He couldn't deal with the loss of his best friend.
No, it wasn't pleasant at all.
XXXXXXXX
i fucked up
i don't know where i fucked up
you can tell me more when i see you
what?
shit sorry i just mean we can meet up and talk about it
if you want that is
nvm it's ok
where?
what?
where do you want to meet?
[Fifteen minutes later]
A blond-haired boy exits the apartment building. There are shadows under his eyes and his limbs are painfully thin, hidden under a sweatshirt and ripped jeans. As if in a trance, he starts to walk across the road.
He doesn't make it across.
There's a bang, a screech of wheels and a scream of shock, and then the boy is still on the road, but he's not walking anymore.
{Thirty minutes later}
A dark-haired boy is walking across the street towards his house. He's been waiting at the agreed meeting place for the past forty-five minutes, but his friend hadn't shown up, and not only that, he hasn't replied to his messages for the past hour.
Trying to ignore the nagging worry in his gut, he jogs up the stairs to his house, and that's when his phone finally buzzes again.
Hurriedly, he pulls it out, and there's a message, but it's not from who he hoped it would be.
There are only two words.
ICU. Now.
He stares for a moment, then shoves the phone in his pocket and starts to run.
XXXXXXXX
The minute he woke, he knew without a shadow of a doubt where he was.
Damn it.
Kit felt like he'd been smashed by a giant meat tenderiser. Gingerly, he opened his eyes, attempting to lift his arm to shield them, only to discover that it was in a cast.
How the fuck did I end up in the ICU?
"You got hit by a truck."
He froze at how broken and familiar the voice sounded. Had he really said that out loud?
After a while, he worked up the courage to look at him.
Ty was crying.
He choked at the sight of the tears running down his best friend's face, dripping onto his hands, staining his hoodie with dark spots.
"I'm sorry," he tried to say, but the words came as a wheeze and he wasn't sure if Ty had heard him at all.
"You're sorry?" Ty's words were like shattered glass, slicing Kit's heart into ribbons. "You keep on getting yourself in the ICU for alcohol poisoning and now you've gone and gotten into an actual accident and all you can say is that you're sorry?"
He stopped talking and wiped at his tears with the back of his hands, and Kit had the urge to wipe them away for him.
Don't, said the harsh voice in his mind. You know he's crying because of you.
"It's you, isn't it?"
He started at the sound. Ty's gaze was steely. "You're on Willow, aren't you?"
Kit turned his head back to face the ceiling.
"The friend who made you join - it was Livvy, wasn't it?" Ty pressed on, his voice wavering a little, but growing firmer by the second. "And your friend who went to Harvard… your friend who friendzoned you..."
Kit closed his eyes and let his head sink back into the pillow.
"Why didn't you just tell me?" Ty whispered. "Why are you always so fucking stupid?"
Unable to help himself, he felt his lips turn up in a grin.
"Last time I checked, it was Sherlock's job to be the smart guy."
Ty barked a short, staccato laugh. It was a tired, exasperated laugh, but at least it was real. "I suppose you have a point."
"And if by some miracle you don't hate me," Kit said, swallowing all the hesitation and doubt that had landed him in this suckfest in the first place, "I'd like it if you were my smart guy."
Ty didn't respond. Apprehension began to form in Kit's chest again, and he turned his head to look at Ty again.
He was crying again, but this time, he was smiling.
It was the most beautiful thing Kit had seen in a while.
"I would love that," Ty breathed.
He leaned closer, brushing Kit's hair off his forehead, and touched his lips to his temple.
"Did Emma really compare me to whipped cream?" Kit asked.
Ty smiled down at him, his gaze full of something Kit never thought he would see from him. "No," he said. "It was Aline."
Kit decided there and then that he'd never been happier to be in the ICU.
XXXXXXXX
The minute the door closed behind him, she leapt up from the row of chairs outside the room and made her way towards her brother.
"Ty, what-"
Livvy stopped short when Ty's arms went around her. Then, smiling, she returned the hug.
"You're always so sneaky," Ty said into her shoulder.
Livvy giggled.
"Only for you guys," she said, and she felt Ty smile into her shoulder.
It hadn't been pleasant, and it hadn't been conventional, but they'd dealt with it in their own way.
And for now, they could sit back and relax.