Author's Note: For info about the title, listen to Rufus Wainwright's "Hallelujah"
Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy!
Hallelujah
He was not a man for art or music or anything of the sort. He was not a man at all, to be precise. There was no need for emotion in his calculating world; in fact it was best to lock it away where no one could see it and use it against him. Sesshomaru saw the pandemonium his father's emotions, and the choices they caused, ensued. It was his father's strangely human-like emotions that caused his own demise. The only examples of emotion in his childhood came from his father; however the multiple negative outcomes they caused turned the young prince away from anything of the sort. His mother encouraged his stoic tendencies, being an ice queen herself, save for the sarcastic attempts of motherly behavior.
For a long time in his life, there was no emotion other than the primal feeling of release when slaughtering an enemy or a meal. He did not want a mate, he did not need one. Why should he? Even sexual contact caused some sort of emotional bond, if not for him than for the hypothetical partner, and emotional troubles were not worth a sexual release.
Then he met his mutt of a younger brother. And hatred was brought into his heart. He hated how weak this little half-boy was, hated how something so weak could have been sired by one of the most powerful demons of all time, hated how that little thing resembled his human mother more than his great father. Sesshomaru hated the fact that a little gnat of a half-demon would dare curse and spit and yell at him, his own brother.
And so Sesshomaru hated and hunted, hunted and fought, fought and hated for many, many years. He hated the spoiled courtiers that marred his beautiful home, so he hunted far away, he met many who thought they were powerful enough to defeat him, and so he fought them. He hated how weak every challenger was, and so he would visit home. And the cycle would begin again. Over two hundred years passed.
His hatred only grew for his half-human mutt of a brother when he learned that the famed Tessaiga his father preferred in battle was not only passed down to aforementioned weakling, but a barrier was made so that he could not use the sword himself. Jealousy and a wounded pride hunted him like he hunted the stupid deer in the woods. He battled and battled his brother, hoping to kill him, but fearing he would.
The half-mutt was strong. Not in the demonic sense, although Sesshomaru had never been so astonished when, in one of their battles, the mutt, being brutally injured and his miko screaming at both of them, passed out, but remained crouched with the sword in the ground to steady him. There was something so un-demonic in those eyes. No demon would let themselves fight to the point where a defensive position was maintained even in unconsciousness. It bothered Sesshomaru; something about it struck him as… impressive – yes that was the word.
A short time passed, and as the mutt got better with his great sword, Sesshomaru incurred a higher quantity and more serious amount of injuries. Unfortunately, due to poor navigational skills caused by severe blood loss, he stopped to rest unusually close to a human village. Of course, with his superior hearing, he heard every revolting sound the mongrels made; every act of fornication, violence, every single uneducated and slurred conversation was as clear as a birdsong to his ears. Sesshomaru did not know how long he laid under a tree, half-transformed, the world swirling with red and black, his mind making sporadic dips in and out of consciousness. He only remembered smelling a dirty human female coming near. He could eat her, if he chose. Taking in another breath, he decided that he did not want to have to wash his food before consuming it. He would just scare her away.
The great prince of the western lands laid and waited for an opportunity to scare a small child. She came closer and closer, her tiny, tender little feet making a world of noise to his delicate eardrums. Finally he sprang up, half-transforming, his teeth bloody, his markings jagged, he growl was escalating to a roar when – He choked and gasped, the icy water dripping into his fresh wounds. The human girl was staring at him. Not the type of stare he was accustomed to. When most humans stared at him, they stared in horror and fear, and a rather clichéd plea for their lives would tumble out of their loud, annoying mouths shortly after.
Not this one. She stared at him, her eyes steady, her mouth closed, her hands straight down by her side, one hand holding the bamboo bucket she used to dump water on him. Her eyes were a very bright, clear brown that stood out amongst the dirt and straggles of dark hair that hung down by her thin, haggard face. Her clothing was too dirty, too old, and too small to be comfortable. The whole time she stared at him, Sesshomaru stared back. Her eyes were still steady.
Later in life, Sesshomaru would say that he saw some of himself in those steadfast, empty eyes. The caring, loving part of her soul, the last shred of humanity in her heart was almost gone. By saving him, she saved the last of herself. He tried to get the nuisance to leave him be, but she brought him food, water, bandages, anything she could to help. Sesshomaru briefly wondered where she was getting these supplies, seeing she was not exactly from a family of great financial security, and then shrugged the thought away.
What he did not understand was the reasoning behind this girl's actions. Maybe she thought he was rich and could help her? Perhaps she wanted to die? He knew enough about humans to know that they rarely thought about others, and most would not give a damn if their own mother died. Why was she trying to help? He did not care about the reasons of a weak human pup, he firmly reminded himself. What she did and what her consequences were did not concern him. One day she did not come. It was no bother to him; he was very nearly healed, but was in no condition to travel just yet. He watched the trees above him, bright green with the very beginning of summer, and the sunlight playing off of them distracted him for a few hours. The great demon lord of the western lands was desperately bored throughout the day. He wanted to be spoiled and angry at her absence, but that would've meant admitting that her presence was wanted.
The next day she came limping, carrying a small fish on a tattered leaf. He saw how one eye was swollen, along with her bottom lip, noticed the nasty bruise on her thigh that looked suspiciously like a foot, one of her teeth was chipped, a trifle for a demon, but very painful for a human.
"Where did you get those bruises?" It was the first question Sesshomaru had asked the girl. Everything he had said to her was a protest against her help, well-disguised by a cold command. He felt her eyes on him again; He turned and looked directly at her then. Her one good eye was wide and blinking, but never broke the stare. She still did not answer him, not even a single word. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to." The appeasement spilled out of his traitorous mouth before he had a moment to consider the meaning behind the statement.
She then smiled, and grin so big it required the closure of bother her eyes, and he wondered for a moment whether the corners of her mouth were going to reach her ears. She did not answer any of his (few) questions, but grinned the rest of their time together that day. As he watched her leave that evening as the sun began to set, he felt words, words with meaning, pile up behind his tongue; He did not know what they were or what they meant, he felt that there was no way to say the unknown words in his throat. So he watched her leave, the starving, tiny, dirty, beat-up little girl that did everything she could to help another being.
The first time the girl died, Sesshomaru felt it in his bones. He turned and faced the wind, the coppery tang of blood filling his nostrils. He saved her, in repayment or out of kindness he did not know. She clung to the pair of cranky males, her happiness tangible to anyone that stood close enough to her. Her happiness only grew when she was unceremoniously presented a high-quality kimono with a cheerful checkered pattern and a green obi. She was told to never wear her old clothes again. Sesshomaru began to stop and rest more frequently near fruit orchards or rivers, as her stomach growling was like thunder in his ears. Reluctantly, Sesshomaru admitted that he was now her guardian.
When Lord Sesshomaru demanded her name, she grinned and chirped, "Rin, my lord!"
And so Rin became an unmovable fixture in his life, whether he liked it or not.
When she was kidnapped by the despicable child-stealing demons, she had told the other children in her cave that humans were scarier than demons. That statement brought an epiphany upon Sesshomaru; Humans killed her family, beat her for anything and everything she did, and he had saved her. He was humbled at the realization of his important place in that child's mind and heart. Sesshomaru felt tightness in his chest when he saw how the other children ostracized her for her belief. He had inadvertently turned her away from her own kind. Now she felt that demons were morally superior to humans, a mistaken belief that could cost her life.
When the pretentious monk grabbed Rin to take her back to a human village, Rin screamed for him to help her. He could not resist her plea. However, he dreaded the fear in Rin's eyes when he revealed his true form in battle. In a very deep place of his heart, Sesshomaru wanted Rin to continue her innocent belief that he was a benevolent being, sent to save her. If she feared him, she would have lost faith in all the world's beings.
After the defeat of the arrogant, weak monk, Sesshomaru found he could not command her to do as he wanted. Rin would choose which way her path would go, and if his command caused her unhappiness, he could not utter it.
"Rin," He felt those crystalline eyes upon him again, eerily similar to when they met. "Do as you see fit." Sesshomaru turned on a heel and strode away much slower than he normally would have. When he heard the pitter-patter of her little feet behind him, he stayed at his slow pace. Sesshomaru passed his mutt brother and his pack, but did not wish to battle them. Rin had had an eventful evening.
The second time his ward died, he felt it rip through his heart. He cursed his foolishness, cursed his father, cursed Tenseiga, but found he could not vent his anger. He could only stare, horrified at the small little bundle in his arm, her face quiet and peaceful, like she was sleeping.
I let you die for such a thing.
The journey to hell was not something he feared. Like his mother had accused him, he did not need to fear the loss of any whom he cared about. Sesshomaru was a god over life; Rin would never be gone from him. But she did not stir, no matter how loudly or sternly he commanded her to awaken.
Nothing could be worth the cost of Rin's life
His demon was yowling a pitiful lament in his mind and heart, and Sesshomaru made his way back to the court of his mother. He could not remember being more elated when his mother, satisfied that her pretentious son had learned his lesson, brought Rin back to him. Sesshomaru felt he finally understood Rin's bubbly happiness at the sight of him coming to her rescue. He could not bring himself to smile and grin outright, but he touched her cheek with his hand, just to prove that she was truly there.
When the evil hanyou, Naraku, took her into his body, Sesshomaru felt the chasm of fear open up in his stomach. He had never come so close to killing his brother than when the half-mutt's demon nearly cut Rin. Rin's life was never in more peril than the entire time they were trapped in the poisonous body. The demon slayer chose to kill her to save the monk with the hole in his hand. Sesshomaru wanted to rip her apart with his poisonous claws, but stayed his hand. Would he have not killed her if it meant saving Rin's life? Who would he have not killed to save Rin's life? The slayer was no more evil or good than he; she was desperate, with the dreadful fear of losing a loved one fueling her sin. He felt he understood, even if just a little.
His negligence to extract revenge was solidified when the slayer gave Rin a mask to protect her from the miasma. Sesshomaru felt, with an uneasy conviction, that if she had not apologized to Rin, he would have demanded her to. So he let her live on, to go have babies and retire from her slaying.
Sesshomaru found that he could not bring her into the lion's den of his court, but neither could he drop her off alone in a randomly-chosen human village. So he presented her to the old priestess that was the head of the village where his brother and pack resided. The old woman thought it was very wise of the great demon lord to allow Rin to practice living with humans, so she could choose when the time came. Even though she was supposed to be practicing without the help of her Lord Sesshomaru, he visited much too frequently for her to ever miss him or worry about him too much. Kimonos, scrolls of literature, fine delicacies of the upper class, he never came without a gift. He knew his brother recognized his behavior. Males must prove their worth to females, be it food, clothing, trinkets, they must prove that they can provide a comfortable life.
Rin was much too young for the intricacies of court life, let alone a position of power, being the Lord's 'pet,' as he knew she would be known. He saw the jealous looks the other village women gave to Rin, in her fine kimono and her ability to read and write, taught to her by his half-brother's strange priestess. Her hair grew longer, her hands lost the child's chubbiness and gave way to long, elegant, capable fingers, her face lost the cherubic roundness and left a perfectly sculpted face, as beautiful as any of the female demons of his court. Her eyes never changed, at least not to him. They always remained clear, twinkling, and steady, with the dark lashes framing them and fanning out farther than other womens'.
Rin loved to read the scrolls describing politics and philosophy, and did not hesitate to ask for as many as possible. Although she would never know this, Sesshomaru personally visited the home of one of the educated writers, and demanded all of his works, barely allowing the poor, frightened scholar to make copies before giving the originals to the irascible demon that had invaded his home. Rin treasured everything he gave, Sesshomaru proudly noted. All of the scrolls were neatly stacked and organized, her (many) kimonos were neatly folded and kept clean and dry in boxes she made herself, and any fine inks he had given her for her calligraphy were kept away from the delicate fabrics, and were used in writing him many letters which she gave to Jaken if Sesshomaru himself could not visit. Her handwriting was not the elegant calligraphy so many women of his court wrote in, but she was able to express herself so vividly to him on paper that he began to carry the letters with him when he could not be with her.
When the pressures of court became almost too much, he read her letters. When he could not put his mind to rest, he read the letters. When he was staring up at the silent moon in his castle high up in the sky, he read her letters.
Sesshomaru knew he could not let her go, and he knew that he could not command Rin to go one way or the other. He simply could not order her, but he could not beg for her company all of his life; It was not in his nature and Rin was too kind. If he asked her, she would without a doubt obey, even if it made her unhappy. In his visits, in his least sane moments, he would open his mouth ever so slightly to tell her that she was to come back with him and was to never leave his sight again, but he could not. Rin would look at him again with her clear, all-seeing eyes, and he would feel, for an insane moment, that she would command him about her life, regardless of the position her gender and species had rendered her. It seemed his sanity was most elusive when he was visiting with Rin in the human village. There were times she would turn her head to him, and the light would hit just so upon her eyes, cheeks, lips, hair. And Sesshomaru found in those moments that he could not look away from her, nor could he listen to the bubbly words tumbling out of her mouth. He could only stare, a deaf and dumb fool in her presence.
Sesshomaru noted, in an ironic moment, that he had indeed sunk lower than his father. He was in love with a human woman, but at least his father's lover was of royal blood. Rin was in the absolute lowest class possible for a human. A farmer's daughter with no spiritual power to speak of, with no formal education and a history of begging and thievery was not on the list of desirable brides. He belatedly realized that she had indeed overthrown his absolute power. She had changed him in a way that he had thought impossible.
When she begged him to attend the marriage ceremony of his brother and the priestess, he came. When she slyly mentioned that his brother, a rightful member of the royal class on both sides of the family, had no quality cloth for himself or his bride, Sesshomaru brought the ceremonious clothing for his brother and the appropriate silks for the bride's kimono. He knew that Rin knew about his expertise in the selection of fine cloth, from years of practice picking such things for his ward. And even though she did not ask, he brought a new kimono for Rin to wear for the occasion, just because he could.
She continued to grow and grow, the good food and welcoming home nurturing her to grow as tall, and then taller than the demon slayer, nearly eye-level with the monk. Her limbs were long and willowy, but strong from working and walking all her life. Her hair was a deep brown, like the wood used to make the polished staff of a naginata, and her eyes never changed from their exact shape, size, and clarity. In the summer of her seventeenth year, when most of the other girls in the village had already married had a child and were expecting another, a human man from the village asked for Rin's hand in marriage.
He was a good, hard worker, and his father was respected. He would be able to provide Rin with a comfortable, although not luxurious life in the same village where she had spent most of her life. As he bowed before the Great Demon Lord, and requested the girl in the most mannerly way an uneducated farmer could, Sesshomaru felt an old fear freeze his stomach. The same fear he had felt when she had to choose between him and her own kind, when he could not call her back to him in the depths of hell, and when he forgot his purpose in Naraku's body for trying to find Rin. Sesshomaru did not want to lose her again, and now he would have to decide if he was emotionally prepared for the world to know just how much he cared for Rin.
Lord Sesshomaru stared at the human male before him. This male could not fight, he was no warrior. What if the village were attacked? He saw how the man's hands shook when he delivered his speech about how he would do his best by Rin and never mistreat her. Sesshomaru noted, somewhere in the back of his mind, that this human must truly feel strongly about Rin, if he had gone out of his way to ask the most feared demon in all the land for her. But it wasn't enough.
Rin loved to discuss philosophy and politics with him, and prodded him until he gave his opinions on the subject being discussed. Rin would be tied down with this uneducated man, forced into a position her gender and species had long decided for her: A life full of babies and farming, with hard labor and harder winters, surrounded by people who would not approve of her intellect while failing to keep up with her quick mind. He could not allow that. Rin would never surrender to being totally miserable; it was not in her nature, much like begging was not in Sesshomaru's. But he knew she would not be completely happy if she were to marry a good and honest farmer. At least, that's what Sesshomaru hoped. What he wished for even more was that she could recognize how that life would not suit her, and reject the farmer's proposition.
Looking at the rustic man in front of him, Sesshomaru opened his mouth and with great difficulty and terror said, "You shall ask Rin. She will decide about her future here. Come with me." Sesshomaru did not wait for the man to stand up before he turned and began to walk towards the village, immediately identifying Rin by both her scent and the tinkling laugh she emitted when teasing friends. Rin was standing next to the retired demon-slayer while helping the recent mother with laundry. The kimono she wore was his favorite he had bought for her. That was not going to help him at all in the next few minutes, if she chose to leave. The contrasting red and blue patterns on both the kimono and the obi made her eyes shine brighter and her hair seem darker.
"Rin." Although the Great Demon Lord did not notice it, the retired demon-slayer and the shady monk heard the very subtle hint of tenderness in Lord Sesshomaru's voice every time he said his ward's name. Turning and seeing him, they both bowed, while Rin hurriedly finished hanging a cotton chemise on the line.
"Yes, my Lord?" She walked up to him, and stared up at him with her eyes. Sesshomaru felt an unbearable tightness in his chest, looking at her.
"We have something to discuss. Come with me." Rin, apparently noticing the farmer behind her lord, looked at him curiously, as if to ask; 'Why is this man here? What are you doing with me?' The three of them, demon, farmer, and woman walked to edge of the village, near where the man had originally spoken to Sesshomaru. Sesshomaru looked from Rin to the farmer and back. Next to this shabby, reliable man, Rin looked more and more like the beautiful lady she deserved to be. But once again, Sesshomaru found he could not command her to obey his will.
"Farmer." The man jumped and stared at Sesshomaru with a wild-eyed gaze of half-fear-half-worship. "You may ask Rin, and she will decide." The man gulped and licked his chapped lips, rubbing his hands together. Sesshomaru listened with great strain on his self-control as the farmer gave a nearly identical version of the speech he had given to Sesshomaru, including how he would never mistreat her and always do his best by her. Once the man had finished, Sesshomaru looked at Rin.
Her eyes were half-closed, the very picture of maidenly serenity, but the significant pause in delivering her answer gave Sesshomaru hope. When she opened her mouth to speak, he found that his heart leapt into the back of throat.
"I am very flattered to have received the honor of your proposal, sir. But please, allow me to think it over and discuss it with my Lord Sesshomaru before I give you a hasty answer in my surprise." She smiled at the man, but the corners of her eyes did not crinkle like they always did in her true smiles. The farmer seemed elated to have that much, and bowed several times to both of them before hurrying back to the village. Sesshomaru turned from watching the man go to see Rin staring at him again. Much like when they first met, he held her gaze, and watched the silent war inside of her turn her clear eyes opaque and lost.
"What would my Lord Sesshomaru have me do?" Rin's voice only proved that she had no idea what the proper course was.
"I would have you do as you see fit. You are not a fool, and will make your own decisions." Sesshomaru had not meant for the words to come out so harshly, but Rin was not the only one lost and frightened of a choice. Rin stared at him again. He felt her eyes trace his jaw, skim over his markings, and then hold his eyes with such intensity it nearly knocked him off his feet. Sesshomaru belatedly realized that she was angry with him; for what he could not tell. But as he watched her stomp away from him with her thin shoulders hunched up and her fists clenched tight by her sides, he wished she would turn back and tell him.
Later in the evening, Sesshomaru found Rin sitting underneath a tree on the outskirts of the forest surrounding the village. She refused to look at him. This both distressed him and angered him. Sesshomaru felt the need to speak first, but his pride was a hard enemy and it took him some time before he figured out what he wanted to say.
"Rin. Why are you angry with this Sesshomaru?" It was one of the few questions he had asked her in their time together. She still did not look at him. It began to anger him even more. He hated being angry with Rin, and that only made the anger worse inside him.
"Rin. Do you not wish to speak with me?" It may have been a rather obvious question, but that did not matter to him. Still she did not turn and look at him, nor did she acknowledge his presence. Still his anger and confusion and hurt grew.
"Rin. Do you wish for this Sesshomaru to leave?" Rin's silence dragged on. Sesshomaru had to leave very soon, or else his emotions were going to get the better of him. He could not burden her with them. Turning on a heel, he strode away. Sesshomaru walked ten paces into the forest before transforming into his dog form to go and destroy a forest or two. He glanced down at Rin from the sky. She had not moved from her spot under the tree, nor did she look up to see him. Sesshomaru waited until he was a good distance away from the village before releasing an unearthly howl of rage and torment.
His destruction done, Sesshomaru returned to the tree where he had left Rin. Instead, his hanyou brother was waiting there.
"What are you gonna do now? You probably chased her off to that farmer for good, acting like that." The hanyou's eyes stared at him, eerily similar to his own. He did not like a mere pup telling him how to behave.
"I did not behave in any dishonorable way, brother. I suggest you return to your mate and leave my business to me." He did not hide the irritation from his voice, but he was too overwhelmed by the day's events to put any real ferociousness into his statement.
"I would love to return to my mate," the hanyou said, "But right now she is comforting a sobbing and distraught Rin, who believes her favorite being in this whole world does not care about her." Sesshomaru felt an imaginary knife stab him in the gut at the statement. Had it been anyone else that had said something so disrespectful to him, that person's intestines would have decorated the ground before him, but he stayed his hand.
"Why does Rin think that? I have done nothing wrong." Sesshomaru saw, in the moonlight, his brother's head turn towards him and tilt slightly to the side, seemingly amazed by Sesshomaru's admission of ignorance.
"She does not understand why you did not prevent her from marrying that farmer. To Rin, you simply acted like you did not care about her life at all." The words were spoken carefully; the hanyou did not wish to have his intestines spilled upon the forest ground. Sesshomaru almost allowed his jaw to drop, so great was his disbelief. So he stood and stared at the hanyou, not realizing his mask had slipped and that all of his emotions were on display.
"That's not how you meant it at all, was it? I can tell by your face. I will go and fetch Rin, and you must tell her why you acted the way you did. Don't go slipping behind that iron-face of yours once she arrives, that will only make it worse. If you want her as your mate, and I know you do, don't deny it. I've never seen you come here without a gift. If you want her to be yours forever, you have to ask. She can't read your mind Sesshomaru. You have to explain yourself clearly and honestly, or else she will marry that farmer to get away from you." It was the longest sentence either of them had ever spoken to each other that did not contain some sort of violent threat.
Before Sesshomaru had a chance to respond, InuYasha had turned and was walking back to his hut to retrieve Rin.