Okay. I'm very unsure about this story. I don't really know why but I'm kind anxious now as I'm about to start. It's the first time Jack and Bobby talked about Jack's past. I don't own four brothers.
If I were to lay here, lay my head down to rest, would you stay, would you stay beside me until the next day, could I be held, forvever safe in the comfort of your face, if I were to reach my hand out, would you take my soul, and make it whole...
Jack stared up at the starlit sky. It was late at night and he was the only one awake at this point. He was as most nights, unable to sleep. Tonight was one those nights where he didn't want to go to sleep, cause if he did the nightmares would take reign over his head, and leave him powerless to stop what was happening inside his head. Much like he'd been before. He raised the blunt to his lips and took a long well practiced drag, feeling secure in the knowledge that everyone else was asleep.
He wondered what was wrong with him. He loved the Mercer's, hell he himself was one of them now, and he wasn't kid, he'd grown up, even if Bobby always said that being 15 didn't mean you were a man. But he loved them all. So much. More than anything else. More than he'd ever loved anyone or anything. So why couldn't he let this go, why couldn't he bury his past along with the tattered remains of his soul.
Evelyn had talked to him about it earlier, she'd wanted him to talk to her, and he could to an extent. But he couldn't bring himself to tell her all the dirty secrets locked away in his heart. The horrible things that had been done to him, things he'd done. He couldn't tell her that, it'd break her heart. She'd insisted he go see someone. A shrink. They'd argued about it. She wanted to help he knew that, but he couldn't go back to that place with a stranger he didn't trust. She knew that too, but she didn't know how else to help him she'd explained with tears in her eyes. He felt so guilty seeing her cry because of him. Someone that good should never have to cry.
He closed his eyes and took another drag when he heard someone climbing out through the window. He didn't need to look to know that it was Bobby. He didn't say anything as he took a seat beside him silently. He leaned back and rested his head against the roof much like Jack and stared up at the sky. They didn't speak for some time, both of them lost in their own thoughts. When Bobby finally spoke, his voice was rough in a way that Jack had never heard before.
"I was 12 when I killed my stepfather" Jack stiffened but didn't speak "All my life he'd beaten me, told me I was nothing, that I would never be anything but a waste of space. My mother killed herself, and I don't know who my dad was, probably one of her customers. I've done so much fucked up shit Jack, you can't even begin to imagine the things I'm capable of. I regret parts of it, some I had no choice but to do cause I was trying to survive"
Jack took another drag, lost in his brothers story.
"I know you've been through shit, I know it hurts and I sure as hell know that the last thing you want to do is talk about it, but I want you to tell me".
Jack's chest felt tight and he drew in sharp breath, the pain that was always present pounding on the door behind which he held those memories. The ones he wanted to forget. "I can't" He whispered, the pain making his words raw.
Bobby understood. He really did. Telling people of things that hurt more than anything else was like re-living them all over again. But he also knew what happened when you locked things away inside you. Jack was already down that road. He glanced down at the blunt between his fingers, he didn't fault him for wanting to escape, hell he knew all about it. He reached out and Jack handed him the blunt silently. Bobby took a long drawn out drag and sighed. If Jack was surprised at his older brothers suddenly more relaxed stance he didn't show it.
Bobby looked down at the small carefully rolled stick. Jack was incredibly patient when rolling his stuff, almost obsessively so. "You know this is just a temporary thing right?" Jack didn't answer, he continued staring at sky as if the stars could tell him what to do. "You can't escape forever Jackie, if you do you'll lose yourself. If you've never trusted anything out of my mouth, trust that. You know where that road ends". Bobby put the blunt out and rested his hands behind his head.
Oh he knew, had seen it so many times before. It just felt less important sometimes. "Have you ever wanted to die Bobby?" Jack asked casually, as if they were talking about the weather, and not about ending your life.
Bobby wasn't surprised, of course he knew Jack thought about killing himself. Hell he'd tried before, it wasn't like you woke up one day all cured from suicidal thoughts. But he also knew that Jack wanted to live, he wanted to fight. The fact that he was laying on this roof was proof enough of that. "Yeah" he finally answered "When it got really bad at home I used to fantasize about it all the time. In my head I killed myself and my mother found me, and she'd cry, cause she'd finally realize that I was gone, and that she was too late to change". Jack turned his head to look at him "Instead she was the one killed herself, and I was the one to find her, I was the one crying because I was too late".
Jack swallowed at the emotion he could hear in his brothers voice. "I'm sorry".
"Don't be sorry Jack, be better" He turned his head and met Jack's painfilled eyes. "You've been dealt a shitty hand Jack, it sucks, but we'll help you, I'll help you, you just have to talk to me".
Jack turned to look up at the dark sky. "It hurts"
"I know it does" Bobby answered.
An hour passed in silence while they lay side by side on the roof. Jack's heart was pounding in his chest as he opened his mouth. "It was always worse when he was drunk..."
Bobby didn't say anything, he just listened, and when the sun rose across the sky they were still there on that roof.
I suddenly craved some angst so here it is :) Thanks for reading!