Disclaimer: I do not own the show (The Fosters) or any of the characters which are the property of ABC Family and their respective authors.
If you like the story I might be persuaded to continue it, so any review/prompt is welcomed.
Rated Fiction T just in case.
Every now and then Jude had trouble falling asleep after everything that's been going on during the past month. He would just still his body to the rhythm of Jesus's deep breaths and look at the wall or at his hands, feverish, doubting, lost.
That night he… No. He couldn't have. It couldn't have been on purpose. OK, so Connor is a jerk and I hate him. Why the hell did he… but… oh, God, this sucks big time! But he was so gentle… and… and… I liked it. Maybe he liked it too? Nah, he was probably just thinking of Daria the whole time. God, I hate her so much right now, with her curly hair all perfumed and her attitude… God, her attitude… and with her… her… big… girl parts! No, I'm being stupid. Stupid Jude! He must have… he… oh my God, what the hell am I doing to myself.
The full moon shone brightly through the window and the shadows it made brought unrest to the boy, scared of himself, lost but found, who had until then so dearly fought for each morsel of love in his life. To feel was to hurt. Jude was afraid of himself more than anyone else. "It's me. It's my fault," he thought to himself after each disgusted look given to a weird foster kid, after each snap and strike, each command to go do a chore no one else wanted. Still, even here, nothing was his. Not the blanket he clutched and brought close to his face – that felt warm and soothing – not the clothes he was wearing, or the bed he was on. His was the sorrow he felt and the sister he would give his life for. But, would the Universe really be so terribly mad with him if he were to just hope, just… just for a moment… hope for happiness?
Now you've gone and done it, dork… Stupid Jude. You really do like him… Could I be happy with him, please? Even if just for a moment, just in my dreams…
-.-
The long night was followed by a rushed morning as the whole family dashed up and down the stairs, bickered, fumbled around the kitchen and finally poured out the door. Jude was there but he also wasn't. When you have a big, loud family you will always have someone to talk to, yes, but it will also always be easy to just blend in with the scenery, just become transparent and fade out. Was this really his family now? Will these people not also shun and despise him when he makes a mistake? How many mistakes is he allowed to make this time before these "parents" get fed up and send him packing?
- Love? Are you OK, sweetie?
- Yeah. Yeah, fine. Sorry.
The boy had no idea what he was apologising for, but in the past it had simply become second nature to him. The bills are too high this month. – I'm sorry. Why do you look so weird? – I'm sorry. The sky is so blue. – I'm sorry.
- OK then. Hurry up or you'll be late for school. Love you.
- Love you too.
Love… I… love you… too… Was it something said out of habit? Not this time. No. This is the first family where Jude could say those words and actually mean them. He honestly did love them, madly, and he was sure they loved him back too. What was he so afraid of? He turned around and looked once again at Lena and Stef next to the stove as they rose their coffee cups to each other, gently kissed and looked back at him, smiling. And he was already smiling at them. "My… family," he thought. "My forever family."
When he walked out the door and saw the other Adams Foster kids waving at him to hurry up, Jude decided that the Universe just might not hold a grudge against him anymore. He might finally be happy. Maybe even with him.
-.-
School can be terrifying even when you're "normal". School can definitely be terrifying for an awkward 13-year-old. Seventh school in six years for an awkward 13-year-old foster boy with blue nail polish is… hell. But Jude didn't care. Someone will punch him in the gut between classes for no reason. Oh, wow… he had gotten so many much harder punches for throwing away a peanut butter jar before wiping the insides with a piece of bread. Kids will swear at him? Meh. What's the worst that can happen?
That day started just like all the others in the life of the quiet, misunderstood teen boy. But then he showed up.
Jude was putting books away in his locker when he caught, with the corner of his eye, Connor walking down the hall. Of course this was all in his head, but for a briefest moment he could swear Connor was so much bigger than the other kids. He felt warm when he saw him smiling, and couldn't help but smile too.
- Hey, Jude.
- Hey. Listen, are you free today after school?
- Ummm… yeah, sure. Why?
- I need help with math.
- YOU need help with math? OK, I'll ask my dad but I guess I can come over.
- Cool. See you later.
The rest of the day melted into a dreamlike state, interrupted only by a brief visit to Lena's office to ask if it was OK for Connor to come over after school. But, in all fairness, at this point it was more like Jude simply informing her that he wanted Connor to come over.
- Could he, maybe, sleep over, too?
- I don't see why not, as long his parents say it's OK. I'll call them later.
The two boys met in front of the school after classes and headed silently towards the Adams Foster home. The day was warm with a soft breeze that carried a scent of orange zest and cinnamon.
- Connor?
- Yeah?
- How's Daria?
- Daria? She's fine, I guess. Why?
- Well, she's your girlfriend, right?
- …
- Right?
- Well… kinda. I guess.
"Kinda? Kinda? What the hell does "kinda" mean? Jude looked at Connor whose eyes were fixed to the tips of his shoes. Kinda… Well I kinda like you, you… dork," Jude thought to himself, blushed and became even more awkward. What if Connor really does like Daria?
- Oh…
- Yeah…
- So…
- Well, whatever. Do you still have that game I left at your place?
- Sure.
- Great. We can play that after we finish our homework.
- Sure.
- Why did you ask your mom if I could sleep over?
- I just thought… well, it's Friday and you're welcome, if you want… I didn't really ask her if you could sleep over right away, I asked if you could come over after school and then maybe stay after… if you want, that is.
- OK. Cool.
This time too Jude's house was brimming with people. Jesus was arguing with Mariana about her using up all the hot water that morning, to which she snapped at him about leaving his stuff all over the place. Brandon was trying to play a difficult piece in his room, shouting at the twins to be quiet every once in a while. Callie was reading a magazine in the living room and the moms were in the kitchen, Lena talking about dinner with Stef who was planning to go to the store.
Jude and Connor got in, waved at Stef and Lena in the kitchen, and headed upstairs only to be brushed off by the twins and returned downstairs. The living room was not a good place to study either, what with all the traffic; nor was the kitchen. So the boys went to the garage. Finally alone, they immediately hit the books, just to get it over with. The homework wasn't so difficult, and they could have finished it all in about an hour, but neither of them could focus on the books. Every once in a little while Jude would steal a glance of Connor's dark blonde hair, which looked like a halo with the warm orange rays of the setting sun easing on it from the outside through the dust in the air. He would occasionally glimpse at his full lips, slightly open and showing a hint of his teeth, as he breathed evenly and deeply. He could see the outline of Connor's collarbone moving with every breath. He was falling for him utterly, memorizing each shadow on his body. His eyes… were pointed straight at him!
- Why are you looking at me like that?
- I wasn't! I…I…
- It's OK.
- What?
- It's OK.
- Wait, why are YOU looking at ME?
- No reason, said Connor with a smile.
- Connor, I want to talk to you. About that night in the tent…
- I don't really wanna talk about that right now.
- We have to talk about it at some point.
- Look, now is not the best time. What if someone hears us?
- Well, when IS it gonna be a good time? I hardly ever see you anymore. Whenever I try to talk to you or whatever your face is always up in Daria's face 'cause you're making out like… like meerkats.
- Meerkats?!
- Never mind. Just something Taylor said.
- I'm sorry.
- Sorry for what? I don't get you! You kissed me!
- I have to go.
- OK. Fine, go. If that's what you want.
- Yeah, I have to.
- Just go. Meet up with Daria or whatever.
- Yeah, I might just go meet my GIRLFRIEND.
- Fine.
Jude got up and shoved his books in his schoolbag. Connor followed suite and in a few minutes he was outside. Then he sat on the bench near the street corner and started to cry.
-.-
This was all so confusing for the boy. He never really did like baseball, but it was so important to his dad that he becomes good at it. He never liked his father's raunchy comments and half-drunken slurs, but mimicked them just to avoid being left out. He was kicked, punched and had his hand twisted for every mistake, and that is why he yearned for his father's approval so much. It is odd how people always wish to please those who shun them and make them feel worthless. And now there was this… person. This… boy. Smaller than him, helpless, quiet, who never said a bad thing about anybody. And this person needed him. He needed his protection. But, all things considered, Connor was the one who needed strength. He needed Jude's warm gaze, his gentle touch and whispered silliness. At night he would think about what Jude said that day, remembering how he would raise his eyebrows when Taylor said something awkward. The look on his face was priceless. The look on his face was always priceless. And his smile… Connor would lull himself to sleep many nights thinking about the two of them just holding hands. He needed to love Jude, and he needed Jude to love him.
The sun had almost entirely set when Stef was returning from the store. Always at the ready, she couldn't miss the sight of a boy sitting on the bench with his face buried in his hands. She immediately recognized the silhouette, pulled over and got out of the car.
- Connor? Connor, sweetie, is everything all right?
- I can't do this anymore! The boy cried
- What's the matter? Did someone hurt you?
- No. I hurt him.
- Who? Jude? Did you and Jude get in a fight?
- No… Yes… I don't know anymore!
- Calm down, sweetie. Tell me everything.
Connor looked up, tears running down his cheeks. Stef looked worried, but her eyes were calming at the same time. He knew she would listen and understand, but those words that he had to say… those words were a sentence, a burden, a cross, a dagger, piercing and tugging on him and tearing him apart.
- I love him! He cried and continued sobbing.
- Oh, honey…
- I love him, alright? I love him! He screamed.
- It's OK, honey.
- I love him… he whispered, his throat almost completely shut. And I don't know what to do anymore.
Stef hugged the broken down boy and kissed him gently on the head.
- If anyone finds out… If my dad finds out… My dad will kill me. He'll kill me for sure… I tried… I tried dad, I tried so hard!
- Come now, said Stef. Let's get you into the house and we'll talk about it over cocoa, OK? You did nothing wrong. Connor, look at me. You did NOTHING wrong, you hear me?
- No, please... He can't see me like this. He mustn't know. Jude mustn't know I… not like this… this is so wrong… it's all messed up… so messed up…
- Connor, sweetie, look at me. Trust me, no one will judge you or think badly of you. Besides, no one's home except Lena and Jude, and he is upstairs in his room. You can talk to us if you want, or not talk at all, but I am not letting you go back to your house looking like this. Not until I'm sure you've calmed down.
- Okay…
The huge brown wooden door of the Adams Foster home opened with ease and Stef helped the still sobbing Connor inside.
- Took you long en… Oh my God, what happened? Lena almost screamed when she saw the state Connor was in, but Stef motioned at her to be quiet.
- What happened? Connor, honey, what's wrong?
- I'm sorry…
- It's OK, honey, whatever it is we'll deal with it, but you have to tell me what's wrong.
- Love, let him be for a moment. He's fine, but he'll tell us that himself when he's ready. Just let him calm down a bit. Do we still have any more of that cocoa?
- Yes, left shelf.
- Ok, buddy, I'm gonna make you some cocoa like I promised. Why don't you just sit there and take a deep breath, OK? You did nothing wrong.
- Okay…
Lena turned away from the boy and inquisitively looked at Stef who was making cocoa. Not wanting the boy to hear her, Stef pulled out her phone and quickly typed a message to show Lena.
"Found him outside. Meltdown. In love with Jude."
Lena looked at her wife utterly surprised, and raised her hand to her lips. Both of them knew so well the pains of being different, of being told how disgusting you are for something you had no control over. She took the phone from Stef's hand to type a reply, but didn't get a chance.
- Connor?
Jude was standing in the hall looking in the kitchen, his eyes red from crying.
- Go away, Jude! Just… just get away from me! I… I…
- Connor, what happened? Jude said while he rushed to Connor and grabbed his hand.
- Buddy, maybe this is not the best time… said Stef.
- Jude, please don't… Please…
- What? What have I done to you? What?! Why are you like this?
- I…
- Do you hate me so much? Why do you hate me?! Tell me!
- I don't hate you…
- Well then why are you acting like this? Let me help you!
- No! Jude, I…
- Connor, please! Please don't do this. Talk to me! I love you!
Jude backed away the second he realized what he said. Stef and Lena looked at him, then at each other, then at Connor.
- You love me?
- No… I… Uh…
- You… love me.
- I'm sorry, I…
Connor jumped up and grabbed Jude by the shoulders. Not knowing what might happen, Stef rushed towards them but the bigger boy quickly hugged the smaller one as hard as he could. Seconds later they were both sobbing like crazy in each other's arms.
- I… love you too, said Connor while gently kissing Jude on the cheek. I love you. I love you. I love you so much.
The boys broke their hug and moved back just enough to look into each other's eyes, still holding their hands on each other's backs. Connor gently touched Jude's cheek with the back of his fingers and wiped the tears from his face. The house wasn't there anymore. The world had stopped spinning in this impeccable moment. They were alone, their hearts beating as one, and they were in love. Jude smiled, and they slowly approached each other… softly… like two snowflakes adrift in the wind. Gently… quietly… delicately… both of them happy, both of them only aware of each other's gaze and each other's smile. Both of them had pictured this moment for so long, so many times. They had already held each other's hand and played with each other's hair in their dreams. Closer… closer… their hearths wildly throbbing with the passion of first requited love, their cheeks becoming rosier, their palms sweatier, their lips… touching. They melted into one soul, one being, one love.
It was most certainly not a long kiss, nor the best one in the world, but it was so meaningful. So different from that peck in the tent which now seemed like a joke. Their first true kiss. They hugged again and then looked around to see Stef and Lena hugging, smiling, and wiping the tears off their cheeks.
- Sorry to put you through all this… I feel better now, Connor said and smiled, while he took Jude's hand into his. Stef and Lena laughed, and with his free hand Jude lightly punched his love's shoulder:
- You're such a dork, Connor. But, I guess you're my dork now, said Jude as he put his hand on Connor's shoulder he'd just hit, leaning in for another kiss.
- Forever.