Written By PSI-Triforce and NCIS-Rouse
Warning: This tournament is for humour. Most battles are won by gaming reasons rather than actual skill.
Anyway, 32 random Smashers decide they want to find out who's the best, so they enter a tournament where they each try to kill each other and see who wins. Matches today:
Pikachu VS Pichu
Luigi VS Mario
Dr Mario VS Diddy Kong
Wario VS Marth
Link VS ROB
Toon Link VS Peach
Zero Suit Samus VS Zelda
Pit VS Ike
Snake VS Meta Knight
Pokemon Trainer VS Lucas
Sonic VS Jigglypuff
Ness VS Kirby
Fox VS Samus
Bowser VS Donkey Kong
Yoshi VS Ice Climbers
Captain Falcon VS Ganondorf
Day 1
Pikachu VS Pichu
Pikachu enters the battle, sees that he's fighting Pichu, and turns to the audience, giving a long speech about how he can't bring himself to hurt one of his Pokemon relatives. Pikachu and Pichu give each other a hug, but when Pikachu's too busy screaming 'Shame on you!' to the audience, Pichu shoves a bob-omb up his ass.
Winner: Pichu!
Luigi VS Mario
Green fireballs own red fireballs. 'Nuff said. And to be honest, does anyone really want Mario to win?
Winner: Luigi
Dr Mario VS Diddy Kong
Diddy Kong is an acrobatic chimp, while Dr Mario is a tubby doctor and cheap rip-off of Mario, so Diddy Kong refuses to take his opponent seriously. When he tries to have a nap in the middle of the fight, Dr Mario pulls out a scalpel, and the audience get scarred for life by the dissection of Diddy.
Winner: Dr Mario
Wario VS Marth
Marth is too emo to notice that the fight has started, so he makes his way to a quiet corner and starts to cry. Wario laughs and approaches, but trips over his fat legs and impales himself on the razor blade Marth was going to cut himself with. Marth is heartbroken, as Wario lands on his 'My Chemical Romance' CDs, crushing them all. Marth cries. Marth wins.
Winner: Marth
Link VS ROB
ROB tries to throw Gyros at Link, who catches one and looks at it. It looks a bit like a CD, and reminds Link of a bad time when he was on a CD Game…
"Oh boy, I'm so hungry, I could eat an octorok!"
Slipping into a blood rage, Link is overcome by fury and when he awakens a few minutes later, his opponent is gone and his tunic is covered in Robot blood. Burning the clothes, Link vows never to speak of this (or anything else) ever again.
Winner: Link
Toon Link VS Peach
Toon Link pulls a cheesy grin, and Peach is overcome with warm and fuzzy feelings, exclaiming, "Aw, that's so cute."
She is able to get to "Aw, that's-" before Toon Link runs towards her and stabs her multiple times.
Winner: Toon Link
Zero Suit Samus VS Zelda
This is a tough fight. Zelda's magic going up against the agility and technology of Zero Suit Samus. After thinking about fighting for a few minutes, the girls instead decide to settle their differences over a pillow fight and a bout of mud wrestling, with huge descriptions of their girlish innocence and heaving bosoms faster than you can say "Yuri Lemon"
Winner: The internet!
Pit VS Ike
Ike, seeing Pit's brown hair and free flowing toga, mistakes the angel for a girl and sidles up to him slowly.
"Tell me Pit, did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"
"No, cause I landed on the clouds…"
"You are the only girl I will ever love…"
"I'm not a girl. I'm an angel!"
"Yes, you are an angel, my darling."
Ike starts kissing Pit's arms. Pit backs away and accidentally falls off a cliff, forgetting he has wings. Ike screams at the sky and curses Palutena for crushing his love life once again.
Winner: Ike, but at what cost?!
Snake VS Meta Knight
Snake shoots a grenade at Meta Knight, but it bounces off his mask and does no damage. Snake shoots a gun at Meta Knight, but the bullets bounce off, doing no damage. Snake utilizes a missile launcher, shooting it at Meta Knight, but does no damage. Angrily, Snake kick's Meta Knight. Meta Knight's mask subdues itself to the power of Snake's kick, which was it's only weakness. Meta Knight then dies for undisclosed reasons.
Winner: Snake
Pokemon Trainer VS Lucas
Lucas cowers in a corner while Pokemon Trainer emerges. Deciding not to bother his Pokemon, he beats Lucas to death using his Pokéballs instead.
Winner: Pokemon Trainer
Sonic VS Jigglypuff
Sonic charges a spin dash, while Jigglypuff charges a rollout. As they both head towards each other, they miss completely and fly off the edges of the stage. They both look like complete idiots. However, Jigglypuff is used to looking like an idiot in Smash Bros and doesn't care. Sonic isn't used to the embarrassment and dies of shame.
Winner: Jigglypuff
Ness VS Kirby
Ness shouts "PK PWNAGE!" then remembers that it doesn't actually do anything. Kirby laughs at him, and then dodges every magical attack Ness has until Ness runs out of magic points. Kirby then proceeds to steal all of Ness' baseball bats and yoyos, until Ness is left with nothing. Swallowing Ness, Kirby tries to steal his power, but without his magic and items, Ness has zero power. Kirby's brain tries to divide zero. Kirby's head explodes.
Winner: Ness
Fox VS Samus
Fox gets off to a good start, shooting Samus multiple times and using his agility to dodge her attacks. However, he's distracted when his radio screams Slippy's voice, "Fox, I think I'm in trouble! Help me!" Samus laughs at Fox, having to help out Slippy again. Fox decides to let Slippy get killed, and shoves his radio down Samus' throat while she's laughing.
Winner: Fox
Bowser VS Donkey Kong
Bowser is a giant, fire breathing dinosaur, while Donkey Kong is a monkey. Bowser breathes fire. Donkey Kong throws a banana at him, which does absolutely nothing. Bowser laughs at Donkey Kong's pathetic attempts at hurting him. Donkey Kong throws another banana. Bowser laughs harder. Donkey Kong tries to hit Bowser, but hurts his hand on the spikes on Bowser's back and howls in pain. Bowser laughs so hard, he has a heart attack.
Winner: Donkey Kong
Yoshi VS Ice Climbers
Yoshi quickly creates a mountain of eggs in front of him to keep the Ice Climbers away. However, they succeed in climbing it, as it was the only thing they did in their game, so they're pretty good at it. The Ice Climbers stop and high-five. Yoshi laughs and removes an egg from the bottom of the mountain, sending the Ice Climbers falling down. Yoshi turns to the audience and says "Ain't I a stinker?" before the Ice Climbers accidentally land on him, crushing him.
Winner: Ice Climbers
Captain Falcon VS Ganondorf
Everyone wants Captain Falcon to lose because even though in his games, he's a perfectly nice and friendly chap, who hunts bad guys and saves people, then wins races, in Smash Bros, he's apparently a cocky little moron who keeps bragging about how much he can beat everyone. Captain Falcon shouts "Falcon Punch!"
The Falcon punch is quicker than Ganondorf's weird purple 'UUURGHROAAAAAAAR!' punch. However, Ganondorf decides not to shout 'UUURGHROAAAAAAAR!' while attacking for once. Captain Falcon is taken aback by this approach, and is hit by the punch. However, as he is now the underdog, everyone cheers for him and wants him to win. He shouts "Falcon Punch!" again, and despite Ganondorf being on the other side of the stage, Ganondorf somehow loses. He just does, ok?
Winner: Captain Falcon.
On Day 2:
Ice Climbers VS Donkey Kong
Jigglypuff VS Ness
Marth VS The internet
Pichu VS Dr Mario
Captain Falcon VS Fox
Ike VS Pokemon Trainer
Link VS Snake
Toon Link VS Luigi