Greetings, just yesterday while freeing space for the HD I stumbled onto this story that I wrote long ago, it was pooly translated and since my English has incredibly improved... a little I decided to fix it and upload it. Events here happen before my other story "as it should be" which is far better than this one (In the event you would like to check).

(1426 DR) The year of the Blasphemous Tale

Gromph Baenre, Archmage of Menzoberranzan, woke up up after a long night of sleep. It´s been centuries since he slept like humans do because, like all other dark elves, Gromph always went into reverie, but this time he had worked non-stop for the last five days and was very tired. He had forgotten, though, why he did not like to sleep but didn´t care much because he felt well rested, even with good humor. He took a look at his image in the mirror, turned his head from left to right, raised an eyebrow, half smiled. "Mr. Gromph, today is going to be a good day for you." He said. Chuckled.

Still a bit drowsy because of the sleep, Gromph put on his archmage´s robes, let out the last yawn, lazyly went to one of his many closets where he keept his collection of staffs. "Which one should I pick today?" He asked himself. "The staff of Magi? Or maybe the staff of meteor swarm... no I used that one yesterday. "Ah! this one." He finally decided, picking a black staff with three small amethyst around a big green emerald.

After that, Gromph left his mansion. He had to perform one of his main archmage´s tasks, lit Narbondel.

En route to his duties, he heard uncommonly loud footsteps behind him. He was being followed. "Either it´s a perfect imbecil or it´s doing it on purpose" Gromph thought and hoped it was the former.

He stopped a few moments later and quickly turned around aiming his staff. "I hope you get along well with the Tanar´ri because I´m sending you to the Abyss." He declared.

"Of course I get along well with them." Answered his stalker, who was a well-dressed drow with a multi-colored cape. He was holding a wide-brimmed hat plumed with a diatryna feather in front of his face, so as to not to reveal his identity.

"It´s you... damn why it had to be you." Said Gromph, lowereng his staff. "What do you want this time?"

Jarlaxle advanced a few more steps still hiding his face. "Guess on which eye I have the eye patch today" He said.

"Oh this is so fun." Gromph said in sarcastic tone, "there is nothing better to make my day than one of Jarlaxle´s guessing riddles" He added.

"I agree with that. Now, guess"

"Left."

Jarlaxle put on his hat revealing that Gromph was wrong. "Today I have it on the third eye." He said happily while pointing the eye patch which this time was a in the middle of his forehead, just above the nose.

"Third eye? That doesn´t count" Said Gromph, lowering his voice.

"Of course it counts, according to laws of metaphysics the Ajna chakra and the pineal gland are..."

"I don´t give give a damn."

A grining Jarlaxle neared the archmage and making aside the topic of the eye patch he said:

"So you are heading already to Agapito´s cave... oh no wait, you have to go to Narbondel first, how could I forgot. Shame on me..."

"Agapito´s cave?" Interrupted Gromph. "Why would I want to go to Agapito´s cave. In fact what the hell is Agapito´s cave?"

"Don´t you know? I suppose Quenthel didn´t tell you and I just spoiled the surprise, Well my dear brother, Agapio´s cave is..."

"I´ve told you many times not to call me brother."

"My apologoes. My dear archmage, Agapito´s cave is..."

"Keep the ´dear´ to yourself´."

"Alright damn archmage, Agapito´s cave is..."

"Don´t say ´damn´ either."

"THE NINE HELLS! Are you gonna let me explain or not!?"

Gromph made a face. "Proceed."

"Agapito´s cave is where the winning childreen of the annual contest made by the cereal ´The Unhappy Drow´, now with marshmallows in the form of swords by the way, go in company of a celebrity from our wonderful city and the little Iria Tuin´Tarl, niece of Matron mother Prid'eesoth Tuin, won this year. She and a guest of her choice will go to this cave and the celebrity chosen to go with them and serve as their bodyguard is, oh I am so excited, you." Jarlaxle offered a big smile, hoping to see another in the archmage. He did not.

Gromph was unmoving, he was trying hard not to let his anger explode. After a few moments he finally said: "Do you realize you just ruined my day?"

"why? It´s a very fun experience. I was the chosen celebrity last year and I can assure you... Hey! Where you going?"

Gromph had turned and took a path to House Baenre.

"I´m going to talk with Quenthel about this."

"What about Narbondel."

"To the Abyss with Narbondel."

Gromph arrived to the throne room and without asking permission to enter and not doing the mandatory bow he said: "Qhentel! Explain yourself about the contest."

"Show more respect to the Matron Mother of the first house, Male!" Roared in anger Catril, high priestess and cousin of Quentel.

Gromph stared at her. "Make me."

Castril quickly stood up, defiantly, though she didn´t draw her six-headed whip.

"Enough you two." Interrupted Quentel. "Gromph, I will not tolerate you insubordination anymore."

"Yes, you always say the same and you don´t have the bal... the guts to fulfill your threats against me."

"Blasphemus!" Yelled Castril, but she was stopped again by Quenthel.

"So I don´t keep my threaths, huh? And what do you think this is? I ordered you would be the chosen that must go with the childreen who won the constest of the cereal and if you disrespect me again, I´ll make sure you will be the chosen every year."

That threath did intimidate Gromph and he remained silent.

"I´m glad we understand each other, brother, now get out of my sight and go fulfill your duty or you will suffer the wrath of Matron Prid'eesoth"

Gromph clinched his teeth, "Fine, Matron Mother, I´ll follow once again your... orders." he said. He satared at her sister in silence a few more moments, thinking unpleasant thing of her and all the priestess, and all females in general.

As soon as Gromph left House Baenre, he found Jarlaxle who was wating for him.

"How did it go?" the mercenary asked. Gromph´s sudden stare at the ground told him who had won the fight.

"Oh Don´t be sad. If it makes you feel better, I´ll go with you." The words of support and friendship went out from the mercenary´s mouth.

"It doesn´t makes feel better." Gromph said.

"But it doesn´t makes you feel worse, right?"

"Now that you mention it..."

"No, I don´t want to hear you answer." Jarlaxle was quick to cut in. "Let´s go for the niece Tuin."

While they headed to the eight house they were intercepted by Jarin, one of Jarlaxle´s mercenaries who only "spoke" using the silent hand code od the drows"

"Everything is ready as you ordered." Signed Jarin.

"Good," nodded Jarlaxle, "tell everyone to take their posisitons and continue according to the plan."

"Very well Mr. Jarlasle... I mean Jarlazle... dammit. Sorry I always forget how to sign the ´x´." The drow was ´saying´ as fast as his fingers could.

"Why don´t you just speak? The hand code is only used when there are enemies nearby." Said Gromph, clearly annoyed.

"Forgive me archmage, but is part of my trainin. Oh forgive me, I forgot the ´g´ at the end. Let me start again..."

"Enough Jarin, go take your position" Ordered Jarlaxle.

"Understood Mr. Jarlaxle. Did I say your name right this time or was I wrong again? It´s so difficult to memorize all and..."

Jarlaxle and Gromph ignored the drow and resumed their way.

"By the way Mr. Jarlazle I was instructed to tell you... Hey wait! Mr. Jarlasle, HEY! HEY!" The mercenary was signing the caps, but even witht them they didn´t ´hear´ him".

"Oh well, I don´t think it matters much anyway." Signing this Jarin dissapeared between the shadows.

"Are you plannig a raid or something?" Asked Gromph

"No, it´s not that. This was about the preparations of the cave."

"What does Bregan Dáerthe has to do with the cave?"

"Oh you see, not always the houses are in need of our services as mercenaries, so we made some sort of agreement with the people who made the cereal to fix the prize so that only the ten first houses win the contest. A noble way to gain extra funds if you ask me.

Gromph come to a dead stop.

"You mean it´s your fault I´m stuck with this?"

"Is it my fault you behave so vulgar with our sister? I mean, the Matron mother?

Gromph had in mind a couple of spells he could throw at him but managed to calm down.

"One of these days I´ll pay you with the same coin, I´m gonna make sure it will be something very painful and annoying that it will get you utterly mad."

"Haha, It´s that a challenge? There is nothing that can make me angry."

"We´ll see."

There was no more conversation during the way until the arrived at the eight house where one annoyed little girl and excited little boy awaited their arrival.

The little boy, who was seven years old more or less, charged at them with an imaginary sword and "attacked" Jarlaxle while yelling: "I am the Weapons Master, die you bastard!"

Jarlaxle put a hand on the imaginary wound and dropped to the floor pretending to be dying. "Nooo, he was too fast, I didn´t stand a chance... ggwwaa!"

The boy then faced Gromph and attacked him the same way. "I am the weapons master and professional mage slayer, die you cantrip-caster moron!"

Gromph only stared at the kid. "Cantrip-caster moron?"

"Isn´t that a good nickname for mages? Asked Jarlaxle from the floor, "the boy has talent."

"Die! Die!" Repeated the kid again and again, thrust after thrust.

At that moment the ten year old girl neared. "So you are the one who is taking us to the cave. I am Iria Tuin´tarl and he is the weapons master," she pointed at the boy." You are late!, I´m going to accuse you to my aunt so she will kick your sorry ass.

"Just what I needed. More threaths." Thought Gromph.

"uuhh, they say Matron Tuin hits hard, and she always aim at the crotch. I suggest you be careful". Said Jarlaxle standing up.

The boy spotted that, and since he wasn´t having success with Gromph, he charged again at Jarlaxle. "Die you filthy undead!"

"Calm down weapons master, the archmage and I are your humble servants, there willl be hundreds of enemies for you to defeat at the cave." Jarlaxle said.

" I don´t want to defeat them I want to kill them, destroy them, obliterate them all."

"Ok, we will let you decimate anything that moves in there, ok?"

The little drow seemed to consider the offer. "Fair enough," he finally declared.

"Aww isn´t he cute, Gromph? He just said his first ´fair enough´."

"Let´s move and be done with this." The archmage broke the moment,

The party headed to the cave all the while Jarlaxle explained them the path they would follow and the possible dangerous encounters they might find.

"I want a weapon." The boy demanded when Jarlaxle finished his explanation.

"The weapons master demands a weapon" Jarlaxle said a bit worried, "what should we do?"

"It´s not my problem" answered the archmage.

"He wants a weapon and you will give him one." Interrupted the girl.

"At once! Miss." Jarlaxle drew one of Gromph´s wands from him before he could stop him.

"Wait, that could be dangerous" Gromph said.

"What can possibly go wrong? The boy will not know how to activate the wand. What does it do by the way?"

"It´s a wand of major teleport."

"See? Not even I know how to use a wand with such high level spell. Let the boy have some fun." They discussed this some steps away, not letting the kids hear.

"It won´t be my responsability if something happens," warned Gromph.

"Well it´s not my wand so..."whispered Jarlaxle.

"What did you say?"

"Nothing, nothing. Come on, our masters await. Here, mighty weapons master, a magical weapon for you."

"I don´t want a stick, I want a sword." said the boy, crossing his arms and frowning hard.

"A good weapons master knows how to fight with every kind of weapon, even sticks, so take it as a good challenge. Fair enough?" Proposed a smiling Jarlaxle.

"No! I want a sword"! The kid insisted.

"Give him a sword!" Iria ordered.

"Okay," said the mercenary half turning and from his magical bracers he drew a dagger. "There you have it ,weapons master, we don´t have swords but this one should be a good substitute."

"You are giving a dagger to a brat" Observed Gromph

The dagger will dissapear in a little while. I assure you nothing bad will happen." They whispered among themselves.

Then Gromph neared the boy. "Excuse me, uhm... weapons master, can I have back the wand...I mean, the stick my companion just gave you?"

"No! A good weapons master fights with one weapon in each hand." Was the answer.

"True that." Said Jarlaxle, nodding.

Gromph only narrowed his eyes at Jarlaxle.

"Stop discussing" Ordered the little female, "and let´s end this once and for all."

"Finally something I agree with." Thought Gromph.

"Then if you please follow me." Suggested Jarlaxle.

They advanced for about 20 minutes in the outskirts of Menzoberranzan until they could see the entransce of a cave.

Jarlaxle began to explain.

"The legend says that when Menzoberrea founded our city, in this cave lived a collosal dracolich who stole the souls of the deceased. It was then that Menzoberrea sent her very best soldier who also happened to be her secret lover to deal with the situation. He was my ancestor ´Jarlaxle the great´. He faced the dragon and easily defeat it." At this point Gromph was shaking his head. Jarlaxle didn' t care and continued. "Unfortunately the souls that were captured by the dracolich couldn´t be set free from their eternal misfortune, and it´s said that those souls still roam the entrance of the cave and attack whoever tries to venture forth. So we should be careful."

Jarlalxe waited a few moments as if expecting some kind of reaction. Gromph and Iria watched him not believing a word, the boy was busy attacking imaginary enemies with his weapons.

"I said we should be careful!" Repeated Jarlaxle, louder this time. It was then that from the entrace of the cave they heard footsteps, a few moments later a lament that sounded like a ghost´s ´boooo´.

"Oh no! It´s them, quickly take your positions!" Yelled Jarlaxle at the same time he rolled to the front and drew a pair of small daggers that after a command word they grew to the size of a long sword.

The boy, now interested, looked at the cave, from within three figures came out. They looked like ordinary drows with ragged clothes poorly painted in white. Two of them wielded wicked sticks, the third, a stone.

"They don´t look like drows, they are drows." Thought Gromph after seeing one of the ´wraiths" instead of saying ´booo´, was signing the ´booo´. "Stupid Jarin." Whispered Gromph.

Gromph! protect the lady, The weapons master and I will take care of them, isn't that right weapo..." Jarlaxle could't end the phrase because the kid already was charging at the so called wraiths.

"I am the weapons master of the eight house of Menzoberranzan Tuin´Tarl. Die you Motherfuc..." Yelled with anger the kid.

"Yeah, die you... bad ugly undead," added Jarlaxle running behind him

"Why one of those wraiths has an insignia of house Despana if it was born nearly 2000 years ago and the events of Menzoberrea happened over 4000 years ago?". The little girl asked.

"Ummm... maybe he stole it, or just found it lying on the floor." Explained Gromph at the same time he cursed the priestess for teaching history.

The ´wraith´ with the stone decided to attack throwing its powerful stone only four meters in front of it, while the boy and Jarlaxle were at eight.

"Nice dodge weapons master" Jarlaxle applauded.

The boy made use of his innate powers to summons a globe of impenetrable magical darkness at the center of the three "wraiths´

"Superb! Very clever!" congratulated Jarlaxle.

"Hmph!, everybody knows the undead don't see." Reasoned the girl.

"well... Maybe the weapons master want a fair fight under the same terms."

"Though I saw one of them blink." She continued.

"Er... Maybe maybe the custom of blinking follows us after death."

Iria faced Gromph

"You know, for the archmage you are very stupid." Said the girl, staring hard at him.

Ah no. that hurt his pride, he was not going to allow mere brat to insult him like that. "Overkill time." He said. Gromph began to cast a disintegration ray on the little girl but before he could say the last word, a veil of total darkness surrounded him.

Gromph felt a huge shake on all his body and then he woke up.

"What the hell was that?" He asked to himself while remembering the dream he just had.

This happens for not going into reverie for days. I had to sleep like human because I was so tired, and those damn dreams, I hate them. Now I remeber why I don´t like to sleep.

He put on his archmage robes, he then pick a different staff than that of the dream and headed to Narbondel.

On his way, he noticed he was being followed.

The archmage stopped. "Oh no please, tell me this isn´t true"

His stalker soon catched up to him. He was a drow like any other, expect he was bald and his face was hidden behind a hat Gromph knew too well.

"Guess on which eye I have the eye patch today." He said.

Gromph's spine sent out shivers. He suddenly found himself hard to breath. Was this fear? "In the... third eye?" He slowly replied.

"Aha! you´re wrong! I have it on the right eye." Said Jarlaxle, lowering his hat. "Third eye? I have only two, we all do. What kind of monster you think I am?"

"But the law of metaphysics says that the Ajna chakra... oh forget it. Tell me you don't work with those who make the cereal "the unhappy drow."

"Ah yes, those who have marshmallows in form of swords?"

Gromph gasped "Then you..."

"Of course not, why would a respectable band of mercenaries work with them?"

"What do you know about Agapito´s cave?" Grompg´s interrogation continued.

"I have no idea what cave is that. You are making a lot of weird question and you look altered. What Quenthel did to you now? Or are you under the effect of a spell or something?

"Shut up, I need to be sure. What do you know about that little kid who is weapons master of House Tuin'Tarl?"

For the first time Jarlaxle really looked worried and said:

"Look, if it made you angry guesing on which eye I had the eye patch I won't do it again. And if you feel ill I can take you to a reliable priestess who can cure you."

Gromph breathed more calmed now.

"No, Im fine. I just had... an hallucination. That´s all."

Gromph left Jarlaxle to resume his duties, during the way he thught: "Dreams. I don't uderstand how humans can stand having them everyday."

Meanwhile with Jarlaxle

"How did he know I´m planning an agreement with the people who make cereal?" He asked aloud. "Oh well, it doesn't matter, it´s not that he will get involved with it."

Fin.

Thanks for reading, hope it brought you a laugh or two.