Professor Severus Snape walked down the hallway on the twelve floor of Hogwarts castle. The students tried to avoid eye contact with him as they passed him.
"Tuck in that shirt!" Snape snapped at a second year. "And have a wash too!"
This was Snape's favourite part of the job; telling off the grubby little bastards.
"What's the time?" Snape asked a nearby suit of armour.
"Two minutes past five." The armour replied.
"You could at least say please." The armour continued as Snape dashed into the nearest bathroom. He always went to the toilet at two minutes past five every day. It was part of his routine.
Shortly after he entered the bathroom, Snape heard a noise from one of the cubicles.
Someone was crying.
"Oh for goodness sake!" Snape exclaimed. "The bathrooms are for bowel movements not sobbing!"
Snape opened the cubicle.
He didn't have time to react before the hooded figure in the cubicle immediately stopped crying, leapt on him and smashed his face into the tile floor; knocking him out cold.
Snape woke up. His head was swimming and his vision was slightly blurred.
"How dare you!" Snape bellowed. "Attacking a teacher will get you expelled!"
Snape stopped his ranting when he realised he wasn't in the bathroom anymore. Instead, he appeared to be in a darkened chamber. The chamber was completely empty except for a wardrobe on the other side and some sort of skinned animal hanging from the ceiling next to it.
What the hell is going on?
The door on the other side of the chamber opened and the hooded figure walked in. Snape got a better look at him. His hood and long robes perfectly hid his appearance. The figure appeared to be quite short. Snape wondered if it could be a goblin.
"Let me go!" Snape yelled as he tried to leap at the figure. For the first time, Snape realised that his arms and legs were bound by something and holding him in the air in an "X" shape.
What is that? Rope? It doesn't feel like rope. Chains? Doesn't feel like chains either.
"What's going on? Who are you?" Snape demanded.
The figure laughed. An evil, hollow sound.
"Your worst nightmare." The figure replied. He threw off his robes and revealed his identity.
It was Harry Potter.
"Your worst nightmare?" Harry said with a chuckle. "Oh God, can you believe I actually said that? Note to self; need better one-liners."
"Alright, Potter. You've had your fun. Now let me go. I assume Mr Weasely and Miss Granger are part of this pathetic practical joke."
Harry laughed again. Still evil and hollow. "Those two? Do you honestly believe I would let those two wastes of life in on this?"
Snape struggled against his bonds again.
"You're not getting out." Harry said. "Those things are remarkably strong."
"What things?"
"Giant intestines."
"You tied me up with Giant intestines?"
"Eeyup. He put up quite a fight, I'll give him that. Poor Grawp. Hagrid was crying for weeks at his brother's 'disappearance'. I pretended to care. Just to stretch my acting muscles you know? The pathetic idiot fell for it."
How on Earth had a fourteen-year old boy managed to kill a Giant?
"Now let's get down to business." Harry said with a dark smirk. He walked over to the wardrobe and retrieved a toolbox from it.
"Do you like my decoration?" The young boy said as he gestured at the skinned animal hanging from the ceiling. "It's Mrs Norris. My first kill. I never liked cats. I'm thinking of doing the same to Crookshanks. Give Norris someone to hang out with. Get it? Hang out?
Snape didn't say anything. The horrible feeling of 'this isn't a joke' had sunk in.
"These jokes are wasted on you aren't they?"
Harry set the toolbox down a few feet from Snape and began removing various knifes and surgical tools from it and placing them in neat orderly rows on the floor.
"I could use magic." Harry said as he picked up a large butcher knife. "But I think the Muggle way has its own unique charm."
Without warning, Harry plunged the knife into Snape's side.
Snape screamed as the agonising pain washed over him.
Harry began slowly but surely carving open Snape's chest and stomach.
"Gotta have access to the organs ya see." Harry explained as if he was fixing someone's internet connection.
The constant agony was unbearable. Snape just wanted to pass out.
"You want to pass out don't you?" Harry said as if he had just read Snape's mind. "Well, if I did this any faster you would. But I'm smarter than that."
"You should be honoured." Harry said after a few more minutes of carving. "You're my first proper adult provider!"
"P-provider?" Snape used all his strength to ask.
"Yep. You're a provider. You provide. Anyway, let's see. First I killed Mrs Norris, then Grawp, then four, no five, no six…..actually; seven. Wow, seven! Can you believe that? Seven first years were kind enough to provide for me!"
Snape tried to talk but failed.
"You're probably wondering how I killed seven first years without anyone noticing aren't you? Seven though. I surprise even myself! Anyway, I was smart. I chose the outcasts, the orphans, the ones with no friends, the ones no one would miss. In a way I helped them. I liberated them from their pathetic miserable lives. But congratulations professor; you're my tenth provider! Woohoo double digits!"
Finally, the carving was complete and the skin on Snape's front peeled away like a piece of fabric, revealing his internal organs. It proved too much for the Potions professor and he passed out.
Snape was woken up by a jolt of agony in his chest. His eyes flew open and he saw Harry standing there with a blood soaked Muggle device.
"This is a defibrillator." Harry said. "It's a Muggle invention for restarting hearts. Normally you have to use it on their chest but I was lucky enough to have direct access to your heart. That was lucky wasn't it? But you passed out. And that makes me look bad. I'm afraid you have to be punished."
The young boy snapped his fingers and his owl Hedwig flew out of the wardrobe. The bird flew at Snape and began pecking and clawing at one of the professor's eyes.
Snape screamed constantly as the evil bird attacked his eye. After what felt like hours, Hedwig was finished and flew back to the wardrobe. Snape's eye, now reduced to a mush of muscle and nerve endings, fell out of its socket and splattered on the floor.
Harry nonchalantly looked at the white gloop on the floor.
"Looks like you dropped your eye cream. Get it? Because it looks like ice cream? These jokes really are wasted on you aren't they?"
Harry picked up a pair of metal prongs. He slowly removed each of Snape's organs and placing them in a cooler box. The kidneys, the liver, the pancreas, the appendix, the stomach and many more.
Harry dropped the stomach as he was removing it.
"Oops. Butterfingers." Harry picked up the stomach and noticed it had touched what had been Snape's eye. "Great. Now it's contaminated." He tossed it over his shoulder without a second thought. "Have fun Hedwig."
The owl came out of the wardrobe again and began viciously eating Snape's stomach. Its razor sharp beak sliced open the organ and the half-digested contents of Snape's last meal poured out onto the stone floor.
"Great." Harry muttered. "Now I have to clean that up."
Harry continued his gruesome work until only Snape's lungs and heart remained.
"You know, I did have some organ puns lined up but it's clear those are wasted on you so I didn't bother. Shame. I'm afraid we must now part ways professor. But I'm not a monster. I'll allow you to have your last words. Go ahead."
Snape gathered the last of his strength and spoke; "Go fuck yourself."
"Now, now that wasn't very nice was it? Anyway, Severus; don't lose your head over it."
Harry magiced an axe out of thin air and swung it.
The last thing Snape saw was Harry's dark smirk.
The Potions professor's severed head rolled across the stone floor. Hedwig abandoned the stomach and began savaging the head instead.
"Still not getting these jokes are you?" Harry said to the decapitated head. "These really are wasted on you."
Harry met with his employer in a dark alley in Hogsmead.
"How was Severus?" The employer asked.
"Most fun I've had all month." Harry replied.
"Do you have them?" The employer said.
"Of course sir." Harry retrieved the cooler box with Snape's organs inside it.
The employer opened the box and looked at its contents. "Excellent. I can tell these will be delicious. Even more so than that young girl you gave me last month. Here is your payment." The employer handed Harry a large bag of gold. "Don't spend it all on sweets."
"So who do you want to provide for you next?" Harry asked as he tucked the bag of gold away in his robes.
"Draco Malfoy has been causing far too much trouble in classes recently. See to it."
Harry flashed his twisted smile. "Of course Professor Dumbledore."