Denial
"...I should have been able to save her."
It became something of a manta over the past few days that ran through the vigilantes' mind during daily routes. Really everything seemed to be on autopilot as the shock settled in. It didn't seem possible, it simply couldn't be true. There wasn't even a body and in their line of work that usually meant the person in question (usually the bad guy) would show up in a few months. It was probably just the typical disappearing act.
Then why was it so hard to move on past the idea of her dying?
It wasn't like they even knew each other well. Their first and only meeting consisted of April trying to kill him...but they connected a little bit, right? For a moment he could have sworn he reached her, got her to see that she had a chance at a better life. Not that it lasted long enough to actually affect the girl. Not long afterwards April started getting involve in the gang war and began killing power players in a misguided attempt to prove herself.
"...I should have been able to save her. I was never there for her when she needed me."
May had been even more determined in fighting crime to the point she was exhausting herself. If not for him Spider-Girl would have collapsed mid-swing. That was when she broke down and told him about April. Darkdevil honestly didn't know how to react to the news. Not that it mattered, May seemed more interested in venting than hearing his opinion on the matter. How this somehow made her a horrible person for not seeing how lost April was. How she was more concerned with the dramas in her own life than her "sister." How guilty she felt about being annoyed with April and wondering if she dismissed her because she was a clone.
As much as he wanted to ignore the highly annoying soul deep ache he referred to as "Parker guilt" it wouldn't go away. Reilly hated Parker guilt because it derailed common sense and caused the unlucky bearer of the emotion to do truly stupid things. Like May deciding to let the Faces go or Kaine deciding to evoke dark forces to raise Daredevil. Commonly confused for responsibility the sensation was downright overpowering. Because of the nature of his current state Reilly didn't experience it like Peter or May would. That is to say he wouldn't lose any sleep over breaking a murderers' leg where else the Parkers would constantly berate themselves and come up with solutions for preventing it from occurring again.
Yet Reilly felt it, keenly at times but he always prided himself on being able to suppress it better than the others. Kinda. Most of the times. But yeah, he had it bad. No matter what he did Reilly kept thinking back to everything he knew about April. From the day Peter had lost it and tried to beat Kaine to death to learn if May was the clone. They hadn't known why he'd flipped for some time and really he'd been more distracted with the punch that May had nearly taken that had been intended for him. A punch Peter admitted could have killed someone. He tried really hard not to think too hard over that one.
"...I should have been able to save her. I was never there for her when she needed me. All I thought about was myself. "
If he was honest with himself then Reilly would admit that the whole clone thing had never been properly accepted in his mind. How did one deal with the fact that their dead father was a clone of a superhero? That those genes he inherited from that clone nearly killed him? Or that the other clone of that superhero was a killer that ended up turning him into a bigger freak than he already was?
So hearing that May either had a clone or was the clone sorta threw him off his game. He kept away from assisting Spider-Girl on purpose, figuring that the girls would be working together. But in truth it was partly to keep himself from getting involved. It already hurt to be as close as he was to the Parkers and he wasn't sure he would be able to deal with a new one. Plus the hybrid symbiote aspect hadn't helped, all he needed was another dealing with a furious symbiote.
When May had told him of the possiblity of the girl who claimed to be "Gwen Reilly"...Bens' daugther...well that had gotten his interest. For one horrible moment Reilly contemplated losing a sister he never knew he had. Getting confirmation that the dead girl wasn't related didn't help in the slightest. If not for Mays' own frantic need to save everyone he would have been lost in a whirlwind of doubt and loss. But someone had to help Spider-Girl. He already lost a fake sister and didn't want to lose the closest thing he had to a real one. April had gone right for him the instant Fury attacked May. Not that it surprised him, family reunions were usually violent affairs for him anyway. As she lunged for his head he remembers distantly thinking that the only ones who never struck him were his mother, Peters' wife and Mays' brother.
Likely because they never met me, came the dark reply to his inner musings. Probably.
Darkdevil had kept her at bay for a while with a flame construct but his heart wasn't in it. Yes he knew for a fact that her symbiote nature would make her vulnerable to such an attack, likely worse than the damage Venom had suffered. He couldn't hurt her anymore than he could harm May. So yeah, he took her abuse. Taking a page outta the Spider-Girl playbook without realizing it Darkdevil tried to reason with her. The supposed danger posed by the collar didn't fool him. Darkdevil was never as woefully naive as May, he could see the conflict even before April let it slip that she had so much more in common with Fury than either of them.
Why didn't she see how much potential she had? Not once had Reilly entertained the possibility of the Parkers accepting him with open arms. No one could do that when he was a somewhat abnormal kid. They brought April-a stranger-into their lives. How could anyone reject an invitation of unconditional love? The closest he'd ever came was Kaine and the man never exactly put Reillys' welfare first.
April had struggled with two warring sides to her nature. A fight May could never hope to understand. He did, all too well. Vengeance was such a tempting avenue to pursue. As Darkdevil that battle was never easy. He had a line he refused to cross but he still indulged in doling out retribution. Part of him wanted to reach out to help someone else fight their inner demons. Another bigger part of him feared he'd fail. What did he know about setting a good example? If anyone would set the bar for April it would be Spider-Girl not him.
He couldn't even put up a decent fight when the gang war built up to the battle royale that ended in three deaths. The last time he saw April-Mayhem-she had causally walked away from impaling the Hobgoblin in front of them. Scowling at the memory Darkdevil settled down by the docks onto a pile of shipping crates. Crime had taken a holiday since the nonstop patrols the citys' heroes had taken since the deaths of the Punisher, Silverback and the Hobgoblin. All Darkdevil wanted was some clarity, something he couldn't find in a brawl, or in law documents. Kaine had tried to call him but he wasn't in the mood for one of his uncles' talks. He wanted to be left alone. Naturally fate would never be so kind.
"Hey, Hornhead! I've been looking all over for you!" With no tall buildings to shoot weblines from Spider-Girl was reduced to a series of flips to reach to top of the crates. Distantly he watched her progress thinking how much her agility had improved since her first days wearing the webs. It wasn't perfect, the timing was still a little off relaying more on flash than speed. At least her footing was stable. Finally reaching the top she ended with an elaborate backflip twist that almost slipped at the end. She tried to cover this up with tiny spring and like always he pretended not to care. "Might help if you had your phone on."
More direct than usual, no little quips to or lead ups. That couldn't be good. "Some would take that as a sign."
"Grumpy much? The team needs to keep in touch ya know." If he was in a better mood he might have laughed at the idea that either one of them were joiners much less teammates.
"I seem to recall telling the Warriors and you that I'm not a member. I'm not at their beck and call nor yours." Really he should just teleport out of there but he didn't feel like moving from the previously peaceful spot.
Spider-Girl shifted her weight to mimic his crouched position. When she finally spoke it was so quiet Darkdevil almost missed it. "I was worried about you."
Such a simple statement still unnerved him. She was the only person he ever met that was openly affectionate towards him even if by her standards this was nothing more than a polite courteously. It really shouldn't have touched him that she cared. Spider-Girl cared about everyone no matter how wretched they were. Reexamining the statement a second time he frowned. Why was she worried about him exactly? Any injuries he sustained from their last battle were long gone. They hadn't spoken to each other since the news of Aprils'...since her disappearance. Never one to stand for a long duration of silence Spider-Girl hastily went on.
"I-I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. After," she trailed off. Not that it mattered, they both knew who she was referring to. "I'm trying to do better. I've been talking to a lot of people and trying not to be so caught up in my own life."
Biting back the urge to snort he gave into the impulse to roll his eyes. She was the most selfless person he ever met and she still thought it wasn't good enough. Well if this helped her cope then he'd sit through another self-flagellation speech before chiming in with his own two cents. This was definitely the work of Parker guilt.
"I know I haven't been too observant," No kidding. "and I didn't bother too look to closely at other things. But I'm here now."
Finally turning his head to stare at her Darkdevil blinked. What did THAT mean? "And your big change is stating the obvious?"
There was no bite to his question just a curious prodding. Her position became more defensive. "I...I mean th-that I'm here to listen."
Giving up the presence of patience he let the long suffering sigh that had been building up since her arrive escape. "And that means what exactly?"
"If you wanna talk."
"Is there a point to this conversation or are you just spouting random words to pass the time?" Somehow he must have lost the change of topic because none of this made any sense. Shouldn't he be the one asking if she was okay?
Squaring her shoulders in the determined manner she took on before facing the toughest of foes she looked right at him. "I think you're too tough on crime and I don't want you to end up like April."
For a full minute all he could do was stare at her in shock. Confusion came next as Darkdevil couldn't see the connection. Then anger when he finally got it. April had aggression and believed that they should be harder on crime. May thought he was going to lose it like April. That he was going to become a murderer. Without a word of warning he leapt off the crates to prepare for a 'port. His face felt flushed and his body shook from his suppressed fury. So May wanted to take a page out of daddys' book to judge him, huh? Instead of trying to better herself by reaching out to her rogues' gallery or former killers like Kaine she decided to use him as a way to unburden her guilt.
"Darkdevil?" In normal circumstances the alarm in her voice would have stopped him in his tracks. Right then he didn't care.
"Listen up little girl because I'm only going to say this once! This is who I am. If you don't like it, tough! I'm not going to be your latest project or let you see fit to pass judgement on me! I would have hoped by now you'd see shades of grey better than your father! I've never taken a life and never intend to! But if you only want to see the worst in me go ahead! I have better things to do!" Without waiting for an explanation fire and brimstone surrounded him and he was back in his apartment. Fuming in the literal sense Reilly made a rash decision born out of hurt that he was sure to regret. If Spider-Girl only saw him as a potential disaster waiting to happen then he'd make sure to keep his distance from her.