A/N: Yeah, I don't even know. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year's guys. I don't own Glee (as always). I edited the American school system a little bit... school starts in the middle of July and ends at the start of June. Rachel and Puck's senior year starts July 2011 and their class graduates in June 2012.
July 31st, 2011:
It's a Sunday when Rachel first brings it up. They've been dating for six months now and he just knows that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. They're sitting next to each other on the couch, his arm slung haphazardly over her shoulder while he watches the game and she tries to learn the lyrics to her newest solo.
The ad break comes on and he presses a light kiss to her forehead as he gets off the couch, heading into the kitchen to grab them both a drink. Although he'd never admit it, he really digs being a boyfriend (really digs being Rachel's boyfriend).
"I think I want to kill myself", she says, her voice so low that he barely hears it. He stiffens, freezing in his place in the doorway of the kitchen.
He knows that she's had it tough recently. Her dad's got divorced a couple of months ago and both of them are so busy fighting over everything that they barely notice that they have a daughter. The dicks at school are being particularly vicious at the moment and although he's tried to stop it multiple times, they still bully her... just most subtly. The other day, they locked her in the janitor's closet on the third floor for three hours before he managed to find her and the only thing that stopped him from reporting it to the principal was the fact that she begged him not to.
He pretends that he doesn't hear her and when he sits down next to her on the couch and hands her a bottle of water, she smiles softly at him and doesn't mention what just happened. It's the first time he's ever seen just how broken she is and it terrifies him.
August 15th, 2011:
On August 15th, she brings it up again. She sits on his lap and wraps her arms around his neck before resting her head against his chest. "Noah, I think I want to kill myself", she says, her voice clear and steady, like she's simply telling him that she wants a drink.
He doesn't quite know what to say. He loves Rachel. He's been in love with her for a hell of a long time and he's waited for almost two years for her to be ready to date him. She's been one of his best friends since they were both five and she gave him half of her sandwich at Temple. He's only just got her and he doesn't quite know what to say because his idea of forever with her doesn't seem to match up with her idea of forever with him.
"What do you mean, babe?" he asks, hoping that her words have some kind of alternative meaning that he doesn't quite understand. It could be a theatre term or she could simply be testing her acting skills out on him. She's done that before but never with a topic quite so serious.
"I mean that I don't think I want to live anymore", she explains, her words muffled from her place against his chest. "Everything just hurts".
He doesn't say anything but wraps his arms tightly around her and pulls her even closer, assuming that she's just had a bad day. There's no way that his beautiful, talented girlfriend who has a bright future in front of her would want to kill herself.
It just doesn't make sense and so he refuses to believe it.
August 23rd, 2011:
She doesn't bring it up again and he sighs with relief, assuming that they're past it. She was just having a rough couple of weeks and when she thought about it, she realized that it was a really, really bad idea. There's no way Rachel is suicidal. It's just not possible.
She's that bright and bubbly girl that you can't help but notice. She works her way under your skin until she's all you can see. She's his best friend and the love of his life. She's not the kind of girl who becomes a statistic on teen suicide.
In fact, he's the one that brings it up next. She's at his house after Glee and she's just playing with her food rather than eating it and her eyes look a little distance. He stretches his hand across the table and gently squeezes hers, watching as she's pulled back to him.
"Rach, are you okay?" he asks, his eyes trained on hers. He doesn't miss the way she drops her head before answering yes, the word gently falling from her lips.
"Why are you lying?" he questions, leaning over and tilting her chin up so that he can look her in the eye. "We always tell each other the truth... why can't you tell me the truth now? Is this about the... suicide thing...?" he finishes, his voice trailing off nervously, not sure if he wants to hear the answer. "Do I need to tell someone about what you said?"
He wants to know if she's really contemplating killing herself or if she just said something without thinking. He needs to know how serious this is so that he can decide what to do. He needs to know what he needs to do to make Rachel better.
She looks at him, their eyes connected across the table. "I didn't mean it", she says, her voice reassuring. "I was just upset and I said something rash without thinking about it. I'm sorry, Noah", she tells him, a small, sad smile playing at her lips. "I didn't mean to make you worry. I thought that if I dropped it and never mentioned it again we could just pretend that it didn't happen".
He wants to push it further; wants to make sure he has the absolute truth but this is Rachel. She's never lied to him before and she wouldn't start lying now.
"If you killed yourself", he says quietly, needing to say one last thing before they drop the conversation for good, "I wouldn't be able to survive. You can't do that to me, Rach. Promise me that you won't do that".
She hesitates for a moment, her eyes guarded, before she transforms back into the Rachel he knows and loves. "I promise".
September 19th, 2011:
It's his birthday and he's in a foul mood because he hates it when his birthday falls on a school day. He hates it even more when it falls on a Monday. The weekend hangs just behind him, reminding him that he was so close to getting the day off but not quite close enough.
After struggling through the first two periods, he tracks Rachel down, finding her in the choir room writing down some stuff during her free period. "Skip school with me", he orders rather than asking as he sits down beside her. "It's my birthday and it would be the best present ever. I hate all these people here anyway... spending my birthday with just you would be awesome", he cajoles, hoping that she'll go for the idea. She's normally so adamant that she won't skip school for him and whenever he tells her that he skipped class, she gets all pissy, so he's a little surprised when she says yes so easily.
"So, where are we going?" she asks as they walk into the carpark hand in hand.
"I figured we could go to the lake", he tells her, watching as the blush spreads across her cheeks. They always go to the lake to fool around and although they've never had sex (she's not ready and he's not going to pressure her), they both have some fond memories of the lake.
"I'm not going to have sex with you because it's your birthday", she tells him, laughing slightly at the expression on his face. "Nice try though".
"I don't want sex, Rach. I want to spend the day with my beautiful girlfriend at my favourite spot in the whole world", he says innocently, a smirk stretched across his face. "Why do you make everything so dirty?"
Laughter bubbles from her lips as she climbs into the passenger seat, their heads interwoven over the gear stick. She likes holding hands and he likes the way other guys stop staring at her when they see their linked hands so it's always a win-win.
They have a beautiful afternoon by the lake and when he kisses her gently, she's the only that pushes things further. He stops when his hands reach for the waistband of her skirt and tries to sit up, knowing exactly when to stop. She presses her body against his, her eyes dark as she looks up at him. "I'm ready, Noah", she whispers softly, and no matter how many times he checks to see if she's sure, she says the same thing:
Make love to me Noah...
So he does, their bodies moving together just metres away from the lake and he feels like his life couldn't get any better than right now.
(He doesn't realize until a lot later that when he dropped her off at her house after school, her normally gentle goodbye peck was more lingering... was filled with more emotion than ever before. She said she'd see him tomorrow and that she'd give him his birthday present then and he smiles as he watches her walk inside, feeling sure that they'd have many more perfect days).
September 20th, 2011:
She skips Glee practice because she's not feeling well so he grabs some vegan chocolate ice-cream and heads to her place after practice. Her dad's at work and her daddy is currently living in a motel so he knows that she'll be home alone.
He uses the key that she gave him for situations like this and lets himself into the house, heading upstairs to her bedroom. There's a slow, sad song drifting out from behind her closed door and he frowns slightly. Normally, she only plays Broadway tunes or songs that she's trying to learn for Glee. He's never heard her listen to anything like this before.
He raps his knuckles against the door before twisting the door handle so that she won't be too startled when he enters. His eyes fall straight to her figure on the bed and he tries his best to be silent as he makes his way over to her, thinking that she's simply sleeping off her headache.
"Rach, baby", he says softly, his hand gently stroking her hair away from her face. "Wake up, babe. I have vegan ice-cream and I'll even let you watch one of your crappy musicals", he teases, his voice quiet so that she won't be pulled abruptly from her sleep.
When she doesn't move, his frown reappears and he gently shakes her, trying to get her to wake up. That's when his eyes fall on the bottle of pain killers on the side. Panicking, he reaches for the pill pot and opens it, his heart stopping when he sees that it's pretty much empty.
"Fuck", he curses, his heart starting again at a rapid pace. He grabs her mobile from her bedside table and dials 911, his fingers shaking so badly that it takes him three attempts to press the three buttons. "My girlfriend's swallowed a bunch of pills and she's not breathing and you need to send an ambulance right away", he says, his voice practically hysterical. He rattles off the address, trying to ignore the voice in his head telling him that he's an awful person and that this is his fault.
It's only when the ambulance finally arrives and the paramedics rush her into the back - barely waiting for him to get in before taking off for the hospital – that he realizes that Rachel never got around to giving him the birthday present.
(She's pronounced dead at 6.23pm and all he can think is that Rachel gave him a fucking awful birthday present).
September 23rd, 2011:
They sit Shiva. It's a Jewish tradition, one that he's only partaken in once before when his Great Aunt died. He didn't get it then and he sure as hell doesn't get it now. It's not helping him at all... in fact, it's making everything worse.
Both of Rachel's dad's are sitting together, their hands clasped as tears rolled down their cheeks. Turns out the death of their daughter was enough to get them back together and although he should be happy for them, he can't stand to look at the two of them. How come they're able to lean on each other to get through the pain and he has no one? Rachel was the person that he leaned on and now... he stops thinking, unable to even say the word dead in his mind.
The kids from Glee are all sitting in the opposite corner, looking like a close-knit group that band together against the world. And yeah, sure, they do band together against the world but they never, ever included Rachel in their group. They look so heartbroken, like their world is falling apart, and he just wants to scream at them, to tell them to leave now because Rachel doesn't need fake friends here. She doesn't need people that only care about her now that she's dead.
He watches them, finding it easier to look at their sorrow than deal with his own. He hasn't shed a tear since he found out that the love of his life was dead and by watching them grieve, he can ignore his own pain for a while.
Quinn is sitting on Artie's lap, her face buried in his chest, and he remembers when he thought he loved the blonde. That was before he knew what love really was... before he knew that there was so much more out there for him to experience. Mercedes and Kurt are holding hands and Blaine has his arm around Kurt's shoulder and god, the boy looks like he's destroyed. He remembers that Kurt and Rachel were best friends but hatred for Kurt bubbles inside his chest. If Kurt was Rachel's best friend, why didn't he know that she was suicidal? Why was he the only one who had to deal with it? Why is he the only one with blame on his shoulders? Why, why, why?
Brittany's comforting Santana who's fucking crying. He's never seen Satan cry before and he has to tear his eyes away from her because he's so similar to Santana and if she's crying then he's going to cry too and he can't cry because that would mean that all of this is real.
He tears his eyes away from the Glee club and watches as his mum bustles around, trying to be the perfect hostess. She loved Rachel with all her heart and didn't hide the fact that she expected Rachel to be her daughter-in-law. She comforts everyone in the room except him and it feels like she's just twisting the knife further into his chest.
He wishes she'd take a second out of being the perfect host to comfort her only son, even if he doesn't deserve anyone's sympathy.
October 25th, 2011:
He's finally able to admit that Rachel's dead.
He's been denying it. Hiding it. Pretending that she was simply away visiting family. He couldn't even say the word dead in his mind, let alone out loud.
He wakes up on the 12th of October and his heart aches when he realizes that it's a Tuesday. He hates Tuesday's. He hates them more than he hates having his birthday on a weekday; more than getting a surprise pop quiz in class.
He normally spends Tuesday's in bed because it's just too hard to get up (because that thing that he refuses to believe happened took place on a Tuesday) and his mum normally lets him stay at home but on the 25th, she knocks gently on his door and asks if he needs a lift to school.
He says no but he climbs out of bed anyone, stumbling to the bathroom with eyes that are barely open. He splashes water in his face, his eyes slowly opening, wincing at his reflection in the mirror. He hasn't shaved in 36 days and he looks like complete and utter crap.
He catches a glimpse of Rachel's shampoo sitting at the bottom of his shower and he rushes to the toilet, pulling up the lid just in time to heave violently, the contents of his stomach burning as he vomits.
He makes his way back to the mirror afterwards and brushes his teeth before shaving, the razor cutting at his skin. The little cuts sting but he can barely feel it because of the constant pain in his chest. The pain that never, ever goes away, no matter what he does to dull it. The pain that he thinks is on par with someone reaching into his chest and pulling out his heart.
He looks at himself in the mirror, his eyes heavy as he realizes that he looks more like the boy Rachel knew rather than the shell she left behind.
For the first time since that night, he opens his mouth and whispers the words he's been too afraid to admit were true.
"Rachel's dead. Rachel killed herself. She's dead and she's not coming back", he whispers, his voice breaking before he curls his hand into a fist and swings it into a mirror, watching with fascination as the blood pours from his knuckles.
(And still, he doesn't cry).
November 10th, 2011:
Since the day that he punched the mirror, he's been living in a weird, repetitive state. He wakes up in the morning, stumbles out of bed and into the bathroom, brushes his teeth and shaves before grabbing a muesli bar from the kitchen and heading to school.
It's a routine that he hates with every single piece of him but he goes through it anyway because that's what is expected of him. He puts on a facade, just like Rachel did every single day, so that everyone at school and at home will be comfortable enough around him. So that he'll just be Puck again, not Noah the boy with the dead girlfriend.
So he lives the routine and hates it but learns to tolerate it so that everyone else will be able to survive. Rachel put on a mask around everyone else (including him, to a certain degree) and he can do the same. He may not be an actor but he can do this.
The only other constant is the guilt.
Whilst he brushes his teeth, he feels guilty. While he shaves, he feels guilty. While he eats those stupid, tasteless muesli bars, he feels guilty. While he drives to that fucking school that's partly responsible for Rachel's suicide, he feels guilty.
The guilt eats away at him and he's so determined to make sure everyone thinks that he's coping that he can't ask for help. Rachel was his girlfriend and she needed him. She told him twice that she wanted to kill herself; that she didn't want to live anymore; and he brushed it off. What kind of boyfriend does that?
What kind of human being does that?
To cope with the guilt, he adds drinking to his routine. He brushes his teeth, shaves, eats a muesli bar, drives to school, struggles through the day, heads home, does his homework, picks at his dinner, helps his mum and then goes to his room and drinks until he passes out.
Rinse and repeat. Rinse and fucking repeat.
November 13th, 2011:
His mum walks into his bedroom when he's halfway drunk and she sighs like she's disappointed in him. She probably is. He probably reminds her of his drunk, deadbeat father, and considering it's been almost two months since Rachel killed herself, she's probably expecting him to hurry up and bounce back from it.
She just doesn't understand. She's never loved someone the way that he loved Rachel. She was with his dad because she got pregnant and before his dad was an abusive drunk, he was a guy who believed in doing the right thing and sticking by his child. She never loved his dad the way he loved (loves) Rachel.
She sits down on the edge of his bed, gently prising the bottle of Jack Daniels from his hand (it says a lot that the drink no longer reminds him of the daughter he gave up... says a lot that giving up Beth is no longer the worst thing to happen to him) and softly places her hand against his cheek.
"Noah..." she says softly, her eyes filled with tears as she looks at him. "It kills me to see you like this. It kills me to see you hurting so much".
He stiffens at her words, guilt flaring through him at the word kills. It's his fault Rachel killed himself. He wasn't enough for her. He's never been enough for anyone; he doesn't know why he thought he'd be enough for Rachel. He wasn't there when she really needed it. He wasn't there when she needed help; when she trusted him with her secret and he brushed it off.
"Mum", he whispers, "it's my fault Rachel's dead", he tells her, his voice breaking but his eyes dry as he leans into her embrace. "She... she told me twice that she wanted to kill herself and I didn't believe her because she's Rachel. She was supposed to be my forever. She's not the kind of person who kills herself. She's not the kind of person who even thinks about it. And I asked if she was serious... if she was just having a bad day or if she really meant it... I asked if I needed to tell someone... and she said I didn't. She said that she didn't mean it and I made her promise not to do it and oh god, she promised Mum but I should have believed her because the day before she killed herself, she did some stuff that felt an awful lot like goodbye but I didn't realize it at the time... and I'm the reason she's dead, Ma", he whispers, words pouring out of him so quickly and effortlessly that he has no time or ability to stop them.
She's silent for a while, her hand falling away from his face, and his face pales, terrified that his mum has finally realized what a fuck-up he is. "Ma, please", he says, so softly that he can barely hear the words himself. He doesn't know what he's asking for but she delivers anyway, just like she always has.
"You are not the reason Rachel is dead", she says firmly, her eyes honest as she looks at him. "You loved that girl Noah and she loved you too. I'm not saying that you should have kept Rachel's secret to yourself but you did what you thought was right at the time. You tried to protect the girl that you loved so that people wouldn't view her differently. You tried to protect her and when you went over to her house that afternoon, you tried to save her life. You did everything you could have done for Rachel, Noah. She told you flat out that she didn't really want to kill herself and you always trust the people that you love. You did what any person in your situation would have done – protected the person that you loved – and for that, I am immensely proud of you, Noah", she concludes, her voice strong and steady. "You are my son and I love you but if you had done something wrong, I would have told you that you made a mistake. This time, you didn't make a mistake", she adds, gently stroking his face before standing up and heading towards his bedroom door, satisfied with their conversation.
The bottle of Jack Daniel's is still in her hand but for the first time in a while, he doesn't mind. His mother's words have curbed the guilt curled within his chest, at least for now.
"Oh, and Noah?" she calls softly from the doorway. "No more drinking".
With that, she opens the door and walks out, closing it silently behind him so that he's left alone with his thoughts. For once, they aren't filled with guilt or grief but rather fond memories of Rachel.
(He thinks that maybe, just maybe, tonight was the first step on his way to recovering).
November 20th, 2011:
He falls asleep early on the two month anniversary of Rachel's death, his senses not dulled by alcohol because his mum had the good sense to hide away every bottle of liquor in the house. She even hid the beer in case he got really desperate and when he placed a call to Finn, practically begging his former best friend to run out and buy him something, he discovered that his mum had covered all the bases by calling all the people in his contact book and ordering them not to supply him with alcohol.
He falls asleep with his ear pressed against his phone, listening to Rachel's voicemail message replaying itself over and over again. Her cheerful voice and the musical lilt to her voice makes him feel nauseous but he doesn't allow himself to get out of bed to heave over the toilet.
Since she died, he's found himself forgetting the way her voice sounded when she sung or the way she looked when her solo had been greeted with a round of applause. He was slowly forgetting all of the things that made Rachel the person he loved and normally, he welcomed the loss of memory. It meant everything hurt less and he didn't have to deal with the fact that he'd never get to see her real smile again (not that fake show smile) because he couldn't remember what it looked like.
On the two month anniversary, he doesn't want to forget. He listens to her voicemail and plays a DVD of Sectionals on his laptop with the sound muted so that he doesn't hear her sing but gets to see the way she lit up whenever she was on the stage. He wraps his shirt that she always wore when she slept over (those innocent sleepovers were the most they did was snuggle) around his pillow so that he can breathe in her scent and he falls asleep to dreams of Rachel.
At first, they're sweet dreams. He dreams that they're at the lake, her hand wrapped around his as she tugs him down to the water, wanting to go for a swim but not brave enough to go alone in case there were big bugs down on the bank. He dreams of the picnics she used to make when they went to the park and the way she always wanted to be pushed on the swings because she felt like she was free, like she'd escaped Lima, Ohio.
Then they turn into nightmares and he tosses and turns, fighting with his sheet covers as he tries desperately to wake up but he can't quite wrench himself from the nightmare.
"I love you Noah", Rachel whispers, her head tilted to the side and a small smile playing across her lips. He can't help but smile back because his name always sounded so wonderful when it fell from her lips. It sounded like a musical note in a solo that she'd long since perfected and it made him feel girly even thinking it but he'd told her that once and she plastered him with kisses so he felt a little better.
"I love you Noah", she repeats, "and I want to spend the rest of my life with you". She's smiling, her hair blowing out behind her and he reaches out to grab her but then she disappears, replaced with the last image he saw of Rachel... of her curled up in her bed, not breathing. Then the dead Rachel opens her mouth and starts talking and he tries to back away but no matter how far he runs, her words still enter his mind. "I wanted to spend forever with you but you ruined it. You didn't take me seriously when I said that I wanted to die. You didn't save me. I'm all alone up here and it's all your fault. Why didn't you save me? It's your fault I'm dead", her cold voice sending chills down his spine.
He tries to explain that he thought she was okay but she doesn't listen, just repeats herself again and again and again. "You said you were okay. You said you weren't going to kill yourself. You promised", he says, over and over and over again but dream-Rachel just laughs in his face.
He wakes up sweating, the words you promised, you promised, you promised falling from his lips.
December 1st, 2011:
He should be preserving her memory. He should be defending her legacy and showing people that she wasn't just another teenager that couldn't live with themselves anymore. She was a daughter and a future daughter-in-law and a frenemy and a friend and a girlfriend, a lover, someone's future and most of all, she was a star. She wasn't just a sad, helpless girl who saw no alternative but taking her own life.
She was Rachel Berry and he should be showing the world that.
Instead, he's fucking mad.
He hates her. He hates her in a way that he's never hated anyone before. Not his deadbeat Dad or Quinn when she gave away his baby or Finn when he treated him like a deadbeat. He used to be guilty and grieving but now he's angry.
He hates her.
She had friends. She had Kurt and her dad's and his mum and his sister and the Glee club. She had this whole range of people that could have been there for her. She could have turned to anyone of them and told them that she didn't want to live anymore.
Instead, she told him.
He understands that he was her boyfriend and he made it clear that he loved her and would do anything for her and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. He knows that he was the only person she trusted enough to come to with her secret and part of him likes the fact that he was the only one she could trust.
A larger part of him hates the fact that she put all this responsibility on his shoulders. She said that she wanted to kill herself twice and the first time, he pretended he didn't hear and the second time, he didn't know what to say but then he asked her and she said she didn't mean it. She promised she wouldn't kill herself.
So she lied to him and broke a promise and killed herself the day after his fucking birthday without even saying goodbye to him. So yeah, he hates her and he has every right to hate her because she knew how much he loved him and how much he needed her and she threw it all back in his face.
He hates her and everything that she's done to him but he can't get rid of the part of himself that loves her more than anything else in the world.
December 5th, 2011:
His anger at her only lasts for a few days until his whole body is so tired from keeping up this pretence of hating her that all the anger literally leaves his body.
He feels empty, just like he did when his dad left. Just like when Quinn gave their baby up for adoption. Just like when he found out that Rachel's suicide attempt was successful. He's dealt with emptiness before but it's never been this bad. The emptiness has never felt so strong and painful. He didn't even know that emptiness could hurt.
Before, when bad things happened to him, he felt empty. Numb. Like nothing could touch him because he just didn't care. He feels like that now but at the same time, he feels like his heart is being squeezed in his chest.
He doesn't know how it's possible to feel nothing and everything at the same time but it sucks.
He sits in silence on his bed, just staring at the white wall in front of him. He and Rachel had plans to paint it on Christmas Day when everyone else was with their family exchanging gifts. She had gone on a planning spree, collecting paint swatches and buying paint brushes and ugly shower curtains to protect the floor. She seemed really excited about it – so excited that they had started planning at the start of July because as Rachel said, you could never be too prepared.
Tired of staring at the white wall, he goes down to the garage and collects all the stuff for painting that's been sitting there since July, lugging it up to his bedroom. He doesn't bother with the shower curtains on the floor and he doesn't bother putting on protective clothes to protect the grey shirt Rachel had bought him as a random 'I love you' present. He just dips his paintbrush into the pot of paint and when it's drenched, he pulls it out and flicks it at the wall, watching as the paint splatters everywhere.
He repeats the process a couple of times, groaning when the paint isn't creating the effect quickly enough. Growing frustrated, he picks up the whole tin and keeping a firm grip on the can, he swings it in the direction of the wall so that the paint comes flying out and hits the wall. Most of it goes on the floor and his chest of drawers but the wall isn't so white anymore and that's all he wanted.
Before he considers what he's doing, he walks over to the wall and places his hand in the wet paint, leaving it long enough to make a print before removing his hand and watching it with fascination. He wasn't good enough to make a mark on Rachel – to make enough of an impact so that she'd stay with him – but he can make his mark on this wall. He draws a crappy love heart and writes her initials inside it so that there'll be at least one permanent reminder of his love for Rachel Berry. It won't just live on inside him but on his wall. It'll be there forever or until someone decides that it's ugly and paints over it but he's going to make sure that his mum never does that and he can't imagine her ever selling the house.
He looks at her initials and remembers the way she used to trace her fingers over his heart when they lying together to watch a movie; remembers how she'd always start by drawing a star and end up drawing love hearts and their names before whispering promises into his skin.
He sinks to the ground, ignoring the sound the wet paint makes against his pants. He brings his knees up to his chest and rests his forehead against his knees, his lips moving furiously but no words fall from his lips. He whispers silent prayers to whoever the hell will listen to him; promising to swap everything he has to get Rachel back; begging to have just one more day with the girl he gave his heart too.
December 13th, 2011:
It's her birthday and the Glee club sings "Don't Stop Believing" as a tribute to her and he refuses to join in which pisses off Finn, which upsets Brittany who doesn't like it when people are mad, which in turn causes Santana to fly into a rage and start screaming at him in Spanish because no one is allowed to upset her best friend/secret girlfriend (they both think they're being all subtle but everyone knows they're dating, including him and that's saying something because he hasn't exactly been observant over the last few months).
When Santana starts yelling at him, Brittany starts crying, which makes Santana rush to the blonde's side, allowing him to sneak out of the room. He runs a hand over his face, wishing (not for the first time) that Rachel was here. She loved Glee with all her heart and she had wanted to see Brittany and Santana get together more than anything – while Brittany shipped Puckleberry, Rachel shipped Brittana – and god, maybe life wouldn't suck so much if she was here.
He walks out into the carpark and gets into his truck, heading straight round to Rachel's place. He still has a key and he lets himself in, knowing that her dad's will be out together and trying to forget that their dead daughter would have turned 18 today. He heads straight up to her room and lies down on her bed, his hand drifting under her pillow to feel the familiar flannel of her favourite pyjama bottoms. As well as the flannel, he feels a clump of paper and pulls it out, expecting it to be song lyrics.
Instead, its a few pieces of paper held together with a multi-coloured paperclip, his name scrawled at the top in her familiar writing that he used to tease her about. She used to practice different handwriting styles every Wednesday night so that she could decide which one was best for signing future autographs and it was the kind of crazy that he made fun of and loved all at the same time.
Dear Noah,
It's my free period now and I'm sitting in the choir room. Its a little cold but some guy threw my jacket in the dumpster and it's now covered in mush and smells like vomit. I'd rather deal with the cold than smell like vomit for the rest of the day. I wonder what you're doing right now. It's your birthday and I know that you hate spending your birthday at school. I got you an amazing birthday present though and I'm sure that you'll love it. I have to pick it up tonight after dance rehearsals so you'll get it tomorrow but I promise that it's worth the wait. I don't know why I'm acting like you'll read this. It's not like I'm ever going to give you this letter. I'm just rambling and you're the person I normally ramble too but I can't tell you all of this. You'd get mad about the bullying and try and make a stand against it but that would just make it worse and it doesn't matter anyway. It's not like I'm going to be around long enough to reap either the benefits or the consequences.
I'm really sorry that I lied to you, Noah. I know that you think that I'm not suicidal or depressed; that it was just a bad time and I spoke without thinking. The truth is, I've been thinking about this for a long time. I'm broken, Noah. I used to think that everything would be okay once I got out of Lima and conquered New York and Broadway but I've slowly grown to realize that the scars I've collected here are never going to leave me. I'm going to be this damaged, broken girl for the rest of my life and I thought I could survive that. I thought I could survive that pain because I had you and I had my dreams of Broadway but somewhere along the way... that stopped being enough. It sounds horrible when I write it down because if anything or anyone was enough to keep me alive, it would be you, but... I don't even know how to explain it. It's like Lima is point A and my future is point B. Point B is me all successful on Broadway and we're married and we're planning a family and I'm truly happy. I just don't know how to get from Point A to Point B and I'm too afraid to try because I don't want to fail. I just want everything to stay exactly the same and the only way to do that is to stop. Just stop. Stop breathing, stop living, stop trying to be so perfect all the time when we all know that I'm not perfect. I'm nowhere near close to perfect, even if when you look at me sometimes, I feel like I'm invincible.
I'm going to break my promise to you and it's going to be soon and for that, I'm sorry. Today is your birthday though and we're going to have a great day. Then I'm going to go home and upload a video to MySpace so that no one thinks anything is up and then I'm going to go to bed. Tomorrow, I'm going to go to school and pretend that everything is fine and then I'm going to skip Glee practice, go home and swallow a whole bunch of sleeping tablets. By the time you come round after Glee, I'll probably be gone and I'm really sorry that you're the one that had to find me. I'm sorry that I had to put all of this onto your shoulders, Noah. It really isn't fair to you. You're just the only one that I trust. I have to go now, Noah because you've just walked into the room and asked me to skip school with you. I'm going to say yes because today is your birthday and the day I say goodbye without really saying goodbye.
The letter stops then and there are a couple of marks on the page that look like they've been caused by tears. She was probably crying when she wrote this. She probably dried her eyes just before he walked into the choir room and he was so busy trying to convince her to skip school that he didn't even notice that her eyes were rimmed with red.
Right at the bottom of the page, there are a couple of added scribbles that were clearly written later and he reads them, his hands crinkling the pages.
Sorry, Noah, I didn't manage to pick up your birthday present tonight. I was tired and I didn't go to dancing either and you probably won't care anyway because after today, you'll probably hate me. It was a silver ring though that doesn't look all that girly and I had it engraved with our names and forever because if there was anyone I wanted to be with forever, it's you. It's a promise ring and if you ever find this letter (which you won't), you can go and pick it up at the jewellery store by the pretzel stand at the mall.
Then, a little further down, he sees the words I love you written over and over again and for the first time since Rachel's death, he allows himself to cry, loud sobs bursting from his body as he lies down on his girlfriend's bed, desperately wishing for things to go back to the way they used to be.
December 31st, 2011:
He rings in New Years alone in his room while his Mum and sister celebrate downstairs. Everyone is happy – able to move on from Rachel's suicide for this one night – but he's still stuck in this constant state of pain.
He's denied her death, felt guilty over it, been incredibly angry at her and bargained desperately for more time with Rachel. Now he's just sad.
Sad doesn't quite cover it, though. Sad seems like a stupid word and it doesn't cover anything that he's feeling. Sad is when he watches one of those movies that Rachel loves and he pretends is stupid because it's a chick flick but the main character crying always seems to make you feel a little down. Sad doesn't apply to your girlfriend committing suicide.
That's something more serious.
And now, as he sits and listens to his mum and sister counting down from ten, he realizes that he's probably going to end up like Rachel. He's probably going to be the next teenager to become a statistic.
The only thing that scares him is the fact that he's not at all scared of that fact.
February 14th, 2012:
His life passes in a blur. He doesn't leave his bedroom anymore apart from when his mum forces him to go to school. She insists that he attend enough so that he can still graduate. According to her, not graduating would be the worst thing in the world.
On Valentine's Day, he watches crappy romantic comedies on TV's, laughing bitterly at the predictable storylines. None of these characters love each other the way he loved Rachel.
"They should turn my story into a movie", he growls, throwing the remote control at the television so that it smashes the screen.
At least he doesn't have to watch those stupid movies anymore.
March 19th, 2012:
It's his mum's birthday and his sister forces him to come out to lunch to celebrate. She's bought a cake and everything and his mum's face lights up when she sees that both of her children are at her birthday lunch.
"I'm so glad you're here, Noah", she says gratefully while his sister tries to pretend that she's not jealous of the attention he's getting. He knows that she doesn't want to be jealous – she's already told him that she's glad he's out of his room for once – but old habits die hard.
He sees Rachel's dad's sitting in the corner of the cafe and Rachel's dad says something which makes her Daddy laugh and his face falls as he turns away, his eyes focusing on his plate.
(He tries not to notice the disappointment on his Mum's face when he doesn't sing her Happy Birthday).
April 1st, 2012:
It's a Sunday so he doesn't have to go to school. His mum and sister have gone shopping for some stuff for school and when the phone rings, he answers it just in case it's his mum ringing to see if he wants her to buy him anything. She gets upset when he doesn't answer the phone and it's just easier for everyone involved if he just answers the thing.
"Hello?" he says, his voice croaky as he talks for the first time that day.
"Is Rachel Berry there?" a high pitched voice asks and his stomach falls as he just manages to stop from throwing up on the floor.
"What?" he asks, his voice breaking with emotion.
"Is Rachel Berry there?" the voice repeats and he swallows loudly, unsure how to answer them. What is he supposed to say to this person who doesn't know what happened to Rachel? How is he supposed to explain it to them? He settles on the simplest explanation he can think of.
"Rachel died almost seven months ago", he says softly, waiting to hear their reaction. He's still struggling with it himself but if they need help, he'll try and give it to them.
There's silence on the other end on the line before he hears laughter, loud chuckles pouring down the phone line. He doesn't quite understand until the voice yells "Aprils Fool's" and hangs up.
He just makes it to the bathroom in time to throw up in the sink.
(Death has never looked so appealing to him than right now).
May 4th, 2012:
Brittany and Santana break-up for a while because Santana still isn't able to tell the world that she's a lesbian and Brittany wants more than being a secret girlfriend. She wants Santana to admit that they're together and in love and when the Latina admits that she can't do that, Brittany ends their relationship.
Santana used to be his best friend. They lost their virginities to each other when they were fourteen and both wanted to try sex. They had a friends with benefits situation going on for a while but it stopped when she realized that she didn't want casual sex with a guy that only liked her as a friend. They kind of drifted apart after that.
It doesn't surprise him when Santana stops by his place, a bottle of Jack Daniel's in her hand. They drink and she bitches about Brittany and he stays silent because it's clear that Santana loves Brittany more than anything else in the world and after a few weeks apart, she'll realize that any conditions Brittany sets are more than worth meeting if they get to be together again.
They both get drunk and it feels familiar and comforting when she presses her lips against his. They have sex and fall asleep on opposite sides of the beds, neither of them daring to touch each other.
When he wakes up in the morning, Santana's already gone so he's spared the awkwardness of telling her that last night was a mistake. She sends him a text later that day telling him that she went to Brittany and told her that the two of them had sex and it made her realize how much she loved the blonde and they're now officially back together. Santana promises that she and Brittany will never tell a soul that the two of them slept together and he shoots back a thank you text.
He stands in the shower for an hour, scrubbing at his skin until its pink. Rachel was the last girl he had sex with, the last person that touched him in that way, and he traded all of that in for a drunken night with Santana.
(He's never hated himself more than he does right now).
June 12th, 2012:
He's just graduated. He should be heading to New York with Rachel right now but instead, he has no plans. He's probably going to spend the rest of his life in Lima, living the life he was always terrified of having: that of a Lima loser.
It's unavoidable now.
His mum approaches him after the ceremony, her eyes filled with tears. "I'm so proud of you baby", she whispers, her voice cracking with emotion. "You graduated, even though no one thought you would. You've proved everyone wrong. Now, please, prove everyone wrong by living. Live for Rachel. Don't die for her", she says, her voice low so that no one around them will hear what she's saying.
She walks away before he can answer and he's kind of glad because he doesn't know what he'd say to her if she was waiting for an answer.
August 10th, 2012:
Rachel's dad's move out of Lima and take their daughter's possessions with them. They take all memories of their daughter with them and it's as if Rachel Berry never existed. He only has one photo of her and the DVD of her singing and a recording of her voicemail message and her initials on his wall.
Dying to be with Rachel didn't use to scare him. He thought it was the best possible option. It meant they got their forever and it also meant he didn't have to hurt anymore.
But now, as he looks at what little he has left of Rachel, he realizes that killing himself terrifies him. He's a living, breathing person... has been for almost 19 years... and to be reduced to just a handful of items and memories that fade away over time isn't enough for him.
If he dies too, there won't be anyone left to remember Rachel the way he knew her. There'll be no one left who remembers her as the beautiful, talented, incredible, funny, loyal girl who loved him more than anything. He needs that girl to be remembered because otherwise, she'll just be remembered as the girl who killed herself in their senior year.
If he dies too, their story will mean nothing. It'll fade from people's memories because there will be no one there to remind him and he needs people to remember. He needs people to know that he and Rachel loved each other and if that means he has to live, then he'll live.
For her. For himself. For them.
(And when he dies – when he's supposed to rather than at his own hand – his forever with Rachel can begin).
September 19th, 2012:
It's his birthday and the day before the anniversary of Rachel's death. He stays in bed all day and refuses to open the door to anyone which includes his mum every single time she knocks to offer him food.
Some days, it's just easier to stay in bed than get up and face the world.
September 20th, 2012:
It's a year since she committed suicide and he's nowhere near ready to move on. He still feels like a piece of him is missing and he's more than content to sit back and watch as his life moves on around him. He watches as the Glee club moves across the country to begin the rest of their lives and he wonders, briefly, if he's always going to be the guy with the dead girlfriend.
He had plans and now Rachel's death is his story.
He's just a guy who loved a girl way more than he should have allowed himself to and planned the rest of his life with her. He's just a guy who found the love of his life and lost her because the world wasn't enough.
That's his story now and god, he wishes it was different. His story was always going to include Rachel – she was always going to be a part of his story – but he wishes it didn't unfold this way.
So, on the one year anniversary of her death, he goes to the jewellery store and picks up the promise ring that she had made for his birthday and with shaky hands, he slides it onto his finger. He heads to the lake and sits on the bench where he kissed her for the first time and allows himself to cry for everything that they had – everything that they were – and everything that they never got the chance to be.
Rachel Berry was a force of nature and she rushed into his life and knocked him off his feet. He fell for her and planned on staying that way for the rest of his life. She was his forever and he knows that he probably won't find anyone else that he loves the way he loves her. They weren't just a high school relationship that fizzles out a few months after graduation.
They were forever.
But now she's gone and he's the one that's left. He's the one that has to celebrate birthdays and Hanukkah alone. He's the one that has to mourn her and get up in the morning and try and function without her by his side.
He loves her and hates her and he feels everything one person can possibly feel for another person and he wants to spend forever with her. He just can't. Not yet. Not now that he's seen how much her death affected everyone they knew. He can't willingly inflict that on the people that care about him.
He's not that selfish. He's not selfish like she was.
So, he stands and walks back to his truck because being the one left alive means that he can't just curl up and die, no matter how appealing it is.
His forever with Rachel will just have to wait.