Disclaimer - not mine.
Spoilers – up until 3x11.
A/N – my first fanfic ever, be nice, leave a comment – I want to improve.
Song and title "You Owe Me Nothing In Return" by Alanis Morisstte.
I'll give you countless amounts of outright acceptance if you want it
I will give you encouragement to choose the path that you want if you need it
You can speak of anger and doubts your fears and freak outs and I'll hold it
You can share your so-called shame filled accounts of times in your life and I won't judge it
(and there are no strings attached to it)
Kalinda never did anything without gaining something back. sure, she helped people all the time, but she always made sure they knew it, and she always called in the debt when she needed it. (Sometimes she didn't actually need anything; she just wanted to make sure they remember they owe her, so she dropped by for a "visit"). This is how she lives, this what makes her so good at her job. Her whole life is based on this "give and take" game, and she always makes sure she takes more than she gives.
That's why she found herself surprised when she started doing things without expecting to get something in return (later, she'll realize that she did get something from this, it was just harder to grasp, and she didn't asked for it, which made all the difference), she was even more surprised when she stopped putting herself first, this has definitely never happened before.
Then again, she never cared about anyone before either, so she guessed she had it coming.
At first everything was normal; Alicia started working for Lockhart-Gardner (Stern-Lockhart-Gardner at the time) and Kalinda treated her with mix of disdain and charm, her usual feature when dealing with someone she doesn't know, till she can processes the person and decide whether he or she is worth her time. Alicia was like everyone else, nothing special at all.
Except she never was , and sooner than she was able to prepare herself, she was already caught up, running around and helping Alicia on her cases ("part of my job description" she had told herself, but she didn't give so much of her time for anyone else). and what was worse: she was spending time with Alicia after work, drinking and talking (Alicia was the one that did the majority of the talking, Kalinda was listening, asking the right questions, giving advice, but letting Alicia choose her own path) ranting and laughing, digging herself a little deeper each time. Still, she fooled herself, telling herself it was just curiosity (because Alicia was different), maybe a little guilt (she already started feeling guilty then, after several weeks of knowing Alicia, and that another thing she has never done before) but nothing more than that, nothing meaningful, nothing to worry about. her walls were still intact, she didn't really care, and she was still her number one and only priority.
Only she did care, and before she knew it, her purpose was to make sure Alicia is happy, that after all she's been through, no one will hurt her again, or use her, or betray her trust. When she asked Alicia if she wanted her to talk with Amber Madison, she cared. When Alicia told her she needs more help, and she answered: "That's what I live for, she meant every word. When she was summoned to testify in Peter's appeal, she couldn't lie, but she wanted that Alicia's world would stop spinning, so she found a way around it, putting herself at a great risk by doing so. but she couldn't bear the thought that Alicia will have to go through this alone, she needed Peter, and Kalinda could give him to her, and it's not like she could deny her, even if she didn't actually asked for anything. When she refused that job offer from the FBI, she did it because she couldn't handle the thought that she will leave Alicia to face all the trials (both in the firm and in her life) alone. (And, okay, she also didn't lie when she told Alicia she's happy where she is, because it wasn't just Alicia who would have been left alone if she took the job). When she Pushed Alicia in the end of her first year to stand up for herself and compete with Cary, it was because she believed she deserves the job, and because she knew she needs it. But also (mainly) because she cared, because she knew that if Alicia will lose that job, she will break, having lost the one constant thing in her life, and Kalinda couldn't let that happen, couldn't let Alicia getting hurt again.
At this point she could no longer kid herself either, she knew that Alicia meant something to her. And it wasn't the guilt, or her curiosity, or her job description or any other lame excuse she could come up with, she cared about Alicia, deeply, she was ready to admit to that, but she still didn't know (or maybe she did, and just refused to acknowledge) how much she really cares, and what was the exact extent of her feelings.
You can ask for space for yourself and only yourself and I'll grant it
You can ask for freedom as well or time to travel and you'll have it
You can ask to live by yourself or love someone else and I'll support it
You can ask for anything you want anything at all and I'll understand it
(and there are no strings attached to it)
She didn't think Alicia was happy, and she thought that maybe Will is the answer, it kinda hurt her (she didn't realize at the time why exactly) but she kept trying to push Alicia to him, she was convinced that Peter wasn't good for her and that she was so caught up in doing the right thing that she wouldn't give herself chance for happiness (funny thing, it was Kalinda who finally pushed her to Will and the hell with the" right thing", only it didn't quite happened as she planned).
When Blake started digging in her past, she wasn't exactly worry; she could handle him if she really had to. But when he started to try to get to her through Alicia, she's gone all crazy, it was what exposed her in the end, Alicia has always been her Achilles' heel. but she didn't think, she had to make sure that Alicia won't find out ("she can never find out", "she can never find out"). Sure, she had her selfish reasons for that, but she also wanted to protect Alicia, what was done was done, she couldn't change that, and Alicia already know that Peter cheated on her, it will do no good (to no one) if she'll find out about their one night stand, it'll only cause hurt, and anger, and sorrow. So she hit (literally) him hard, thinking she's done enough to stop him, but her feelings have made her less careful, and she was caught off guard with the SA investigation.
She was going to tell Alicia, she really was, she only needed a little more time, to figure out exactly how to do it, how to break the news to Alicia without breaking Alicia, if she was completely honest with herself, she wanted more time to spend with Alicia before their friendship will forever be tainted by her betrayal.
And when she was finally ready, it was too late, Alicia already find out on her own, and Kalinda's world crashed. She knew that she lost her chance, that if she was the one that told Alicia the truth, then maybe, maybe Alicia would've let her explain, maybe she would've listened to what she had to say. As it was, Alicia didn't give her any of that, just a quick "you slept with my husband, I don't want to see you ever again". And that was that, she knew she can blame only herself, but that only made it worse.
When Alicia kicked her out of her office, Kalinda felt like it was her world that started spinning, she cried then, for the first time in what seemed like forever, and she hadn't stopped crying ever since, not really. Sure, she maintained her posture at work, and although it was quite obvious that something happened between her and Alicia, it was much harder to notice a change in Kalinda herself.
The fact that she was the one that hurt her, that betray her trust, that Alicia was suffering and she couldn't do anything about it, couldn't beat the person in charge with her baseball bat, couldn't protect Alicia, it pained her. But what was worse, much much worse, was the look Alicia got every time she entered the room, the look of hatred she has never seen before. But she had no complains for Alicia, in fact, she actually agreed with her, she deserved all the hatred and looks and silences and any and every thing that Alicia could throw at her. Sometimes she wanted to hate herself. Sometimes she did.
So when Alicia told her to stay away, she respected her wish, figured it was the least she could do for her now. So she walks the other way, works on other cases (at least officially, cause Alicia still need to win her cases, and she can still help her do it, so she does, but late at night, or in some twisted way so Alicia doesn't have to see her), and generally tries to avoid Alicia, even though it is the last thing she wants to do.
She already in love with her, she knows it's stupid, that even before this... entire thing happened, she had no chance with Alicia. And now? Now she's lucky if Alicia can look at her without rolling her eyes. No, she's not right for Alicia, she wouldn't be able to give her what she needs, and it not like Alicia has feelings for her, not those kinds of feelings, anyway. Even before, she was a friend at best, a drinking body you can complain to at worst. Now she's not even that, Alicia believes their relationship was based on Kalinda's guilt, on her attempts to hide what happened between her and Peter, that it was a lie. She couldn't be more wrong, it was the truest relationship Kalinda had, the most unselfish one.
Still, she can't help being in love, and she still wants Alicia to be happy. When she finds out that Alicia has finally gave in to her feelings and is with Will, she is happy (and just a little bit jealous, because even though it is the definition of impossible, she can't help but hope it is her that Alicia run with to hotels in the middle of the workday). So when she finds out Will's in trouble, she offers her help, cause he is making her happy, and that is enough.
I bet you're wondering when the next payback shoe will eventually drop
I bet you're wondering when my conditional police will force you to cough up
I bet you wonder how far you have now danced you way back into debt
This is the only kind of love as I understand it that there really is
When Grace gone missing, kalinda didn't hesitate before going out to find her, it panged her a little, because she knew that before, she was the first one Alicia would've called for help. It doesn't matter, she can help, so she does, and when Grace asks her whether to tell Alicia she found her or not, she hesitate only for a second before deciding it will be best to everyone involve if she won't.
But she should've known better; Alicia, Alicia of all people, was the one that came bailing her out, and you could cut the tension in the air with a knife, and she would rather be anywhere else but in the car with Alicia (only she wouldn't, because she's in the car, WITH Alicia, and it's nothing and yet…). She whispers a quiet "thank you". Partly because she was never very good at thanking people and partly because she doesn't want Alicia to snap at her. Only she doesn't, instead she talks to her, actually talks to her, for the first time in weeks. When she asks her if she found Grace, she explains she wasn't lost, when Alicia asking her whether she told Grace not to tell her she was the one who found her, Kalinda can't help but think:"oh no, I did it again, I didn't tell her the truth", but Alicia isn't mad, instead she thanking Kalinda. Kalinda smiles, just a little bit, inside.
When Alicia volunteers to help her with the investigation, she can no longer hide her smile.
Things are better now, they still don't talk about anything that is not work related, but there are no more eyes rolling, and they can be in the same room tougher without Alicia looking like she wants to find the nearest sharp object in the room and stick it in Kalinda.
They even working on cases together again, going to question witness, or trying to find something that will help their client, just like before. (Only it isn't, and Kalinda knows it, but she'll take whatever she can get).
Usually they take two cars, it's silly really, going to the same place and not going together, but Alicia is more comfortable that way, and Kalinda doesn't push it. she's happy for every moment she gets to spend with Alicia, and she is willing to give Alicia all the time she needs, at least now she has hope that someday she will forgive her.
But today is different, they had an early hearing and Kalinda drove with Will cause they had to set something for the trial. But now she and Alicia have to go after a lead that may set their client free, and Kalinda's car is not here, so they are force to take a ride together.
The atmosphere is tense, and they don't talk, the radio is on and Alicia is driving, suddenly there's a loud noise, and Kalinda feels her whole body being thrown forward. Her first instinct is to get out and shout on the idiot driver that crashed into them. But then she looks at Alicia and a different instinct takes over. Alicia is looking disoriented and there is blood on her forehead, Kalinda is immediately worried, "Alicia, are you all right?" she asks. When she doesn't get any response she reaches her hand to touch Alicia and tries again: "Alicia, honey, can you hear me?" this time Alicia nod and mumble: "what happened?" Kalinda is on the phone, calling an ambulance. "We were involved in a car accident; we need to get you to the hospital". Alicia just shakes her head and says: "the trial… Will…" Kalinda caress her arm, calming her: "I've already talked to Will, he'll send someone else." It is clear that Alicia is not all there, but she asks: "what about you?", kalinda chuckles:"I'm fine, right now you are going to get checked, and I'll handle this situation here and follow you". They can hear the sirens now, "I'll call your kids and Peter, don't worry" she says. Alicia tries to refuse a few more times but Kalinda is having none of that and in the end Alicia is being put on an ambulance. Kalinda wants to go with her and make sure she's being properly treated, but she'd told Alicia she will take care of things, so she compromises on talking to the medics instead and making sure they know what best for them.
An hour later, Kalinda is in the hospital, talking to a nurse and finding out Alicia's condition. The injury isn't serious, a minor concussion and a shock, few days' rest and she should be fine. Kalinda wants to see her, but she's asleep, so she waits, happy that Alicia going to be alright, but needing to see for herself. But before she gets the chance to see Alicia and talk to her, she spots Peter and the Kids at the corridor, not wanting to interrupt the family, she sneak out without anyone's notice.
You can express your deepest of truths even if it means I'll lose you and I'll hear it
You can fall into the abyss on your way to your bliss I'll empathize with
You can say that you have to skip town to chase your passion and I'll hear it
You can even hit rock bottom have a mid-life crisis and I'll hold it
(and there are no strings attached)
Alicia Florrick was lying in her hospital bed, speaking with her kids; she remembered the accident, vaguely, remembered being brought here. She wondered briefly where Kalinda is, but her mind was tired and the thought quickly slipped away, making room for more pressing matters.
The truth is Alicia Florrick was tired; she was physically tired, she was emotionally tired, she was tired of people passing judgment on her without really knowing her, she was tired of people not giving her enough credit and the respect she deserved, she was tired of Peter's betrayals and her kids constant demands, she was tired of having to go on pretending nothing has happened and everything is all right, she was tired of not being her own person, but most of all, she was tired of being angry; Angry at Peter, angry at her clients, angry at the world, angry at Kalinda.
When she found out about Peter and Kalinda, she wasn't angry, she wasn't even that surprised. She didn't believe Peter when he told her it was just the one whore, she suspected he wasn't entirely faithful even before, and Kalinda did work for him, and she is beautiful, she could see how this happened. No, but she was hurt, hurt beyond words, more hurt than she had been when the scandal first came out. She didn't cry, not then, first she had to make sure no one will hurt her again, later she will cry.
The anger came later, with the resentment and the grief. Not so much for the act itself, but for their friendship that was now lost. She was angry at Kalinda that she could take her most significant relationship in the past two years and make her something out of necessity, or guilt. That she could lie to her day in and day out, go with her for drinks and talk about Peter and all the while not telling her she slept with him. The thought that Kalinda wasn't really her friend, that all the moments they shared weren't real was too much for her to handle, so she didn't think about it. She didn't let Kalinda explain, she didn't talk to her, she just told her to get out of her office and didn't think about her again. (Except when we she did…)
The last few weeks have changed her mind, finding out that Kalinda found Grace, that she did it for her. And the fact that she didn't take credit for it only emphasize the act for Alicia, so much so that she went against her nature and confronted Cary to get her release. It got her to reconsider their status. (Also, she really did miss her, and she needed a friend, just like she needed one in that first day).
Working with Kalinda again has been good too, it was still hard and tense, and sometimes she just wanted to run and not talk with her again, other times she just wanted to tell kalinda its okay; they okay and forget about it. But she couldn't do either, she needed Kalinda but she still didn't trust her completely, wasn't convinced in her motives. It's a process, but they were making progress and she'll get there someday.
It took her few days, but finally it hit her, she was at her house, alone. (Will insisted that she'll take time off, get her strength back, she had a little suspicion that Kalinda was involved with the decision but nothing concrete.) She wondered what was she missing since she was released from the hospital, but she couldn't quite put her finger on it. As always the revelation came to her when she least expected, she was just about to take a shower when she remembered: "she called me honey". Kalinda had called her honey, and maybe it was nothing, they had been hit by a car after all. But it was Kalinda and she was always so careful in what she said, and she never ever heard her call anyone honey, or any other form of endearment for that matter. No, it definitely means something, the only question is what.
Luckily, her force vacation gave her enough time to process her thoughts and decide. She reaches to some conclusions; the first was that maybe (definitely) she was wrong and Kalinda truly cared about her and about their friendship. The second was that she may have been a bit harsh with her and is ready to forgive, if not forget. The third and most important one was that she needs to talk with kalinda, really talk, and get to the bottom of it all.
Monday comes too quickly for Alicia's liking, she knows she has to speak with Kalinda, but her nerves seem to disagree, "it's just Kalinda, she's the one who should be nervous to talk to you, not the other way around" she tries to reason with herself, to no avail. So, the first thing she does when she gets to the firm (after the mandatory smiles to everyone who welcomes her back) is to go to Kalinda's office, the door is open, so she just gets in and close it behind her.
"Oh, Alicia, good to have you back", Kalinda tries to smile.
Alicia not into wasting time, and she also afraid that if she won't do it now she'll lose her courage forever, so she blurts out: "You called me honey".
Kalinda blinks:"Pardon?"
"Don't try to play dumb with me, in the car, after we got hit, you called me honey".
For the first time since she knows her, Kalinda is something that resembles speechless, but only for a second or two: "You were in shock; I was trying to get a response from you."
"And you thought 'hey, the best way to get Alicia to answer me is to call her honey?'"
Kalinda nods: "something like this, yeah".
Alicia is furious, kalinda is not being honest with her: "Don't play games with me, Kalinda, I'm not in the mood, I want the truth".
Kalinda sighs and looks her in the eyes, there something unreadable there, almost sadness, she bends her head and asks: "are you sure?"
Alicia is certain: "positive, I'm tired of all the lies, I think I deserve the truth for once".
Kalinda doesn't look at her when she says: "I did it because I care about you, you are important to me, and I was afraid something happened to you, I didn't control myself, it was an instinct."
"Your instinct is to call me honey?"
Kalinda lift her gaze, the sadness is still there, but there is something else, something soft, almost loving. She just shrugs and looks down again.
Finally, finally something clicks inside Alicia head and the penny drops, she's too overwhelmed to deal with the prospect right now, and she sure as hell can't do it while kalinda's eyes bare into hers, searching for… what? Something Alicia isn't sure she can give. So she walks out of the office blurting out: "I… umm I have to go, I have a case." (What she really means is: "I can't do it, it's too much, why do you have to love me?")
You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return
Alicia pacing back and forth in her apartment, the Kids are at Peter's, so she has the whole place to herself, and the time to think. And boy, does she need it, it's been two days since her talk with Kalinda, during which she has done her best to avoid her completely. She had time to process what Kalinda had said and she decided that her first conclusion was correct, Kalinda does love her, probably as more than a friend, probably has been for a while.
After she left Kalinda's office she took her time and thought about her relationship with Kalinda. The more she thought about it the more she was sure that it was real, that there wasn't guilt behind it, just real and deep emotions. She examined all of Kalinda actions during the time she knows her, and couldn't understand how she could think the woman didn't truly and deeply had her best interest at heart. "Actions speak louder than words", she told herself, and Kalinda's actions were loud and clear, and they said one thing: "I love you".
So that was clear (more or less, but she knew it would be hard to get something more outright from Kalinda), what took her longer to understand is why she freaked out when she finally realized it, why she run from the office like she was being chased by a horde of barbarians.
But it came to her in the end too, she has feelings for Kalinda, and when she realized that the feelings are mutual she freaked out because suddenly the prospect of being with Kalinda seems perceptible, and she couldn't handle it at the time. The realization that Kalinda loves her was enough, but it triggered her own feelings and that was just too much too fast.
She called Owen, of course she did, it's not like she could talk with Kalinda to figure what is going on inside her own head. (She could just imagine that conversion: "hey Kalinda, I know we haven't talked for a while, but I'm freaking out here cause I'm thinking I might be in love with a woman who just happen to be you".) So, yeah, she called Owen, and he was his usual self, but eventually he did help her organize her thoughts.
Looking back, it turned out her feelings weren't anything new; she was having them even before this fiasco with Kalinda and Peter. Actually, if she was completely honest with herself, they were part of the reason she was so mad at Kalinda for so long, because loosing Kalinda meant loosing more than a friend. And the concept that Kalinda didn't care about her even as a friend while she was partly in love with her, (even if on a subconscious level) contributed greatly to her fall and break down.
Now, now was her chance. She finally come to terms about her feeling, finally admitted to herself that yes, Kalinda is gorgeous, and funny, and mysterious, and caring, and unbelievingly frustrating, and indifferent and she has never met anyone like her and she is extremely attracted to her and doesn't want to spend another day without her.
She also knew Kalinda feels the same way, or at least close, she could see it in her eyes, she could hear it in her voice, when she talked to her after they been hit, she could feel it in her bones when she entered the room and Kalinda was there, like all the world stop spinning for a moment and all Kalinda was seeing was her. The problem was to convince Kalinda to take the chance with her. Alicia knew it wasn't going to be simple, especially given their current status, but she wasn't going to give up easily, not after all the time wasted for nothing.
So she called Kalinda, telling her she needs this and that for a case ASAP. She knew Kalinda will come, if nothing else, Kalinda was a professional, and she will do what she can to help a client, even if it is uncomfortable for her.
Sure enough, it wasn't 20 minutes before Kalinda was at her doorstep, handing her the files. Alicia thanked her and asked her if she wants to have a drink, she could see the hesitation in her eyes, but Alicia gave her a look that meant it wasn't really an offer, and she gave in and accepted.
They sit quietly for a while, until Alicia gather up the courage to say: "Kalinda, I'm going to ask you something, and I need you to be honest with me, okay?" Kalinda just looks at her, and again she can see fear in her eyes, but finally she nods.
"Do you have feelings for me?"
If before it was fear, now she looks like a deer caught in the headlight, she starts to make a move to exit, thinks better of it and eventually just nods again.
Alicia release a breath, she came that far, now for the million dollars question.
"What kind of feeling?"
Kalinda shudders but this time she speaks: "I… Alicia… Feelings, just… feelings…"
Okay, that was more than she thought she'll get. It time to go all in and put her cards on the table.
Alicia Slowly rises, moving toward Kalinda, she can see her shrinking in her chair, but she doesn't halt her movement, it's now or never. She reaches Kalinda, Kneel before her, put her hands on Kalinda's knee and kiss her.
Kalinda is stiff at first, so is she, but then she lets go, pressing her tongue against Alicia's lips begging for entrance which Alicia happily grants. And then they are kissing; and it so unlike anything she's done before and so similar to everything she's done before at the same time. And she is more sure now that this is right and more confuse than ever about what is the right thing. And she doesn't want to stop kissing Kalinda and she wants to run away and go back to just friends.
And then, abruptly, Kalinda disentangle herself from the kiss and Alicia can see the tears in her eyes. "I'm sorry", she says "I can't, I… I wish I could…" Alicia doesn't know what to say, she was right, she is sure of it, Kalinda does have feelings for her, she was kissing her back. She caresses kalinda's hair and says: "shhhhh, it's fine, we don't have to do anything you don't want to".
Kalinda chuckle bitterly, "oh, I do want, but not like this, I can't. it's just isn't right". Alicia just looks at her questionably. Kalinda continues: "I can't do this if your heart is not in it, if you just doing it to get back at me, or to hurt me, I would do anything for you, but not this. I just can't, it'll leave me empty and broken and hurt". She sobs and looks directly at Alicia: "I dreamt of this moment, but if you don't really mean it, if you don't really want this, want me, then please don't do this to me. I know I have no right to ask you to spare my feelings, but I do". Alicia eyes are fill with tears too as Kalinda finishes her little speech, and for the first time she understand the amount of pain she caused her friend when she shut her down. True, she was hurting, but she didn't take into consideration Kalinda's feelings, and sure, she has a very good excuse for that, thinking at the time kalinda didn't care. Still, she realizes she had broken Kalinda, seeing her like this, thinking she will bring her here and make her reveal her feelings only to get back at her.
Her heart is aching but she looks at the person on the chair above her and knows she is not the only one, so she takes Kalinda's hand in her own, saying: "I'm sorry sweetie, I'm sorry I treated you so badly that you'd think I'd do something like this just to hurt you". She wipes a few tears from Kalinda's cheek and goes on: "I love you, I love you so much, I didn't realize it before, and I used my anger as a way to hide from my feelings and I'm sorry for that too." She takes Kalinda's chin in her hand, and making sure she looks her in the eyes when she says: "I love you, please believe me".
Kalinda's eyes light up, but her cries only getting stronger, "Does… Does this mean you forgive me?" she manages to get out between sobs. Alicia laughs and says: "Yes sweetie, I forgive you". This time it's Kalinda who kisses her, and she certainly ain't going to refuse. They kiss until they run out of air, and Kalinda says: "I kinda like you calling me sweetie."
Alicia laughs again: "me too, sweetie, me too". And goes back into the important job of kissing Kalinda. Feeling safe for the first time in a long time, knowing that she is with someone that will protect her no matter what, someone who will put her first, someone who will love her without asking nothing in return.