Will stormed into his apartment, pulled off his jacket, which ended up in a pile against a wall, and went straight to the bar to get a drink. He gulped down a whiskey and got an immediate refill before he walked over to the couch and let himself fall down.

Why the fuck did he end up with a completely inept team and why does every new EP seems to be even more incompetent than the one he had before?

Today's broadcast had just been a complete disaster, there was no denying.
The satellite interview with their field reporter in Afghanistan broke off in the middle and his EP Matt didn't have a contingency plan, so there was a 10 second gap in between segments – Couldn't he have just switched to a fucking commercial? Then a wrong graphic was shown during an interview with the Speaker of the House and on top of this his teleprompter had broken down.

Why oh why couldn't they find him a capable EP he could work with, so that he didn't have to fire them every few weeks? He had told his boss Charlie Skinner already that they had to find a replacement for Matt soon, and that had been before today's show!

He took another sip from his drink, rested his head against the back of the couch and sighed. He knew exactly where this line of thought would take him... To the only EP that has ever been able to handle him, MacKenzie McHale – Coincidentally also the love of his life until she cheated on him with her ex-boyfriend...

He gulped down the rest of the drink and went to get another one.
He really didn't want to think about all this again, but he knew once his mind went down this road there was no stopping it... He hadn't spoken to MacKenzie for almost three years now but he still missed her like she was a part of his body that had been cut off. Missed her in his newsroom and even more in his life.

He lit a cigarette and then his hand automatically reached out for the laptop on the table. He pulled it up in front of him, opened it and went to his email program, as always staring at the folder carrying her name.

When she had told him, that she had cheated on him with Brian fucking Brenner for four months he could only stare at her and didn't hear anything else after that. Like looking through a cloud he saw her pleading and begging for his forgiveness but he didn't understand a single word she said after that dreadful confession. He had just closed down.

How could she have done that? They had been so very happy – or so he had thought at that time. But apparantly she didn't love him and he had just wasted two years of his life on something he believed to be his future.

That night he had thrown her out of their apartment and told her that he never wanted to see her again. And he hadn't.
It had happened on a Friday night and when he came into work on Monday, after a weekend he had spent completely drunk, she had already resigned and emptied out her office.

She had called him repeatedly though, but he never answered the calls and deleted every single voicemail message she had left without even listening to them.
He was hurt, so damn hurt, and his heart seemed to have turned into a block of ice.

When she realized that he wasn't going to reply to her phone calls she had started sending emails, but he hadn't been able to read a single one of them. Instead he created a folder in his mail program where her emails were stored automatically so that he didn't even have to see them. He only kept track of the number of unread emails shown next to the folder's name, which was up to 223 by now, still rising. She was persistent, he had to give her that...

As so often before the cursor on the screen was hovering over her folder. He had never clicked on it before and though he didn't know what was different this time, today he did open it after another slug of his whiskey.

He stared at the long row of emails, saw her name in the sender's column and closed his eyes. What was he doing? Did he really want to get into this?

He still felt betrayed and he still hated her for having done this to him – to them. But at the same time he knew without a shadow of a doubt that he loved her. That he had never stopped loving her. If it just wouldn't hurt so damn much!

He swallowed hard, then opened his eyes again and clicked on the first mail she had sent almost 3 years ago.

From: Mac
To: Will
Date: 30 May 2007, 09:42 a.m.

Will,
I don't know if you ever listened to the voicemail messages I left, so I hope you will at least read this email.
I cannot beginn to express how sorry I am about what happened. I was young and stupid and I was so insecure... In the beginning I didn't know what we had, but as soon as I realized that I love you I never saw him again.
Please believe me, you are the only man I want. I love you and I want to be with you.
I miss you so much, please call me!
Mac

Yeah, right, he snorted. Sure, she didn't know what they had... So why did she tell him over and over, that she loved him? Granted not as early as he had said it, but for one and a half years she had made him believe that she loved him. He remembered the first time she told him as if it was yesterday...

It was a Saturday, about six months after they had started dating, and he had taken her out to a wonderful candlelight dinner. Afterwards they had returned to his apartment and spent the rest of the evening in bed, indulging in hours of slow lovemaking. She ended up laying on top of him, completely exhausted and content, but almost drifting off to sleep she had lifted her head, looked into his eyes and said „I love you, Billy" before kissing him deeply.

He had noticed that during the course of the month prior to this evening something had changed for the better in their relationship – which had already been good before. She had appeared to be more secure, a shadow seemed to have been lifted off her and it was so good to finally hear her say these words!

After that, how could she have told him over and over again, when at the same time she was fucking Brian fucking Brenner?

He clicked on the next email.

Date: 30 May 2007, 06:23 p.m.

Will,
please! I know you check your emails regularly, you must have seen mine from this morning.
Please call me, please give me a chance to explain!
I love you more than anything!
Mac

What the hell did she want to explain? What did she think she can explain?

Date: 31 May 2007, 03:14 a.m.

Will,
another night where I cannot sleep. I haven't slept for days.
I miss you, I miss being close to you.
I understand that you probably need time, but please just send me a short answer so that I know you are at least reading my emails?
Always yours,
Mac

As if he hadn't missed her... He still missed her, after three fucking years!
He had tried to forget her, God knows he had tried, but by now he thought he would never get over her...

He got up to get a refill and then decided to bring the whole bottle back to the table. After another sip he opened the next email.

Date: 31 May 2007, 03:13 p.m.

Will,
I did manage to get a couple of hours sleep last night, but not nearly enough. I guess it doesn't matter though, as I don't have a new job yet and spend my days – and nights - thinking about you. About us.
Please let me say again, how sorry I am. Like I said on Friday, I don't even know for sure why I did it, but I think it was because he rejected me. I liked that he hated that I was dating you and I needed to prove to myself that I could still have him if I wanted. I don't know, can I say I was trying to get „un-rejected"? Is that even a word?
You and I weren't that serious back then,

Will squinted his eyes and repeated incredulously. „Back then? Not that serious?"
What the hell was she fucking talking about?

we had only started dating

What the fuck?
They had been together for almost 2 years!

but I was still a little hung up on B. I mean, we had been a couple for 3 years – granted, on and off, but still... You were amazing from the beginning, but I just wasn't ready to jump right in from head to toe...So when B. called about four weeks after our first date

Four weeks after the first date?
He slowly put his glass down on the table, never taking his eyes off the words.

I wasn't so much thinking about you but rather how to get back at B. and how to make me feel better about myself. I should have known that what I needed for that was just you, only you, but I was so stupid...
It's no excuse but I want you to know... Though this thing with B. extended over 4 months I „only" went to see him thrice during that time... And being with him made me realize how much I loved you – still love you - so I never saw him again once I knew, I swear to that. I just wanted you.

I love you, Billy, I love you. Please forgive me.
Forever yours,
Mac

Will stared at the computer screen, feeling numb.
She hadn't cheated on him way into their relationship but right at the beginning, when they weren't even seeing each other exclusively? Oh, he for sure was, he had known from the moment he first laid eyes on her, but they had never really talked about it...

Why the hell didn't she tell him that night?
Then he flinched – She probably did tell him, he just didn't hear it because he had tuned out during her attempt to explain...

He hastily opened her next message.

Date: 01 June 2007, 11:54 p.m.

Still no answer. I hope you are at least reading my emails.
I have been torturing myself over and over with the question why I ever told you. But the truth is, I had never been in a relationship as serious as ours and I thought that's what I was supposed to do. I could not just take the next step and not have you know. I felt we were getting more and more serious and I wanted our relationship, wherever it would lead to in the end, to be based on honesty... Well, I guess this honesty took it down the road I never wanted to travel...
I miss you so much, Billy. I wish I could be lying next to you right now, I want to touch you and kiss you and never let go off you...
I hope at least you can sleep, you need to.
I love you.
Mac

Will felt a tear running down his cheek.
Why didn't he read her emails sooner? Why did he have to be such a prick and not even give her a chance?

All this time he had thought she had cheated on him directly before telling him, more than 18 months into their relationship and after telling him she loved him.

And now he knew that she only told him that she loved him after she was certain that she wanted him and not Brian fucking Brenner?

He read the following mails, all pretty similar to the ones before, her pledging her love to him and asking for forgiveness.
He could feel the desperation she had felt while writing them, always hoping for his answer... all in vain... and now his own heart cried out for her.

The frequency of her writing had slowed down while the weeks passed but she still kept on going. She wrote him that she had moved to Cambridge, Massachusetts (phew, not England!), accepted a teaching position at Harvard and told him about how she settled into this new life. And then he came to the emails she had written in August.

Date: 14 August 2007, 08:21 p.m.

Billy,
please call me as soon as you can, please, I need to talk to you!
Anytime, please?
Mac

Date: 15 August 2007, 00:46 a.m.

Billy,
please, I really need you. Call me!
Mac

What the fuck had happened?

He vaguely remembered that around that time he had received another voicemail message from her, after months of just emails. I had deleted that message, like all the others.

Date: 15 August 2007, 11:37 p.m.

I realize you are not going to get in touch with me, I should have known... I tried to call you, but could only leave a voicemail message...
Billy, I wish there was another way I could tell you, but.. Billy, I'm pregnant...