It was a normal day at Hogwarts.
The sun was shining, the DeathEaters were somewhere unspecific and the kilts were gliding in the soft breeze.
It couldn't possibly be more normal than it was that day. The entire Hufflepuff house were gardening, the Ravenclaws were reading books in the library, the Slytherins were beating up first years, the Gryffindors were sleeping in packs on the grass, because that's what good guys who are loved by all do and the teachers were currently non-existent.
Everything was fine.
But secretly, it wasn't fine.
Lurking down a dark and ominous corridor, lived an awful man, with an awful secret and an awful amount of evil embedded in his heart. His name was…
Gilderoy Lockhart.
On the outside, everyone believed him to be a charismatic, devilishly handsome, charming bachelor with a successful lifestyle and gorgeous hair, but on the inside, he was a devious, mistrust worthy foe to the good people and students of Hogwarts. Soon they will all see the power of a new Dark Lord and they will cower and bow before his fabulous, well-dressed self!
Gilderoy half put down his mirror then thought better of it. Can't go for too long without seeing that handsome, evil face. It was almost time for dinner and the student fans would come flocking at him in their hundreds. Must be ready and well presentable. Not that he wasn't always stunningly attractive.
He finished replacing that last few batteries for his glowingly white teeth and donned his cloak. Before leaving though, there was one last thing.
"Why, hello there, ladies~"
Yes, the voice that makes them swoon is definitely on full power. He strutted out the door and to the hall like he owned the place, as he soon will.
i!i!i!
"Harry."There was that annoying, chirping noise again. It sounded like something he should be vaguely interested in, but he wasn't, so it was ignored.
"Harry, you're leaning in your soup."
'Soup?'
Harry looked down and realised that his entire arm was submerged in scalding hot chicken soup.
Somewhere in the hills, an echo of screaming was heard.
"Harry, how did you not notice? You've been leaning in it for about 10 minutes! I've been trying to tell you for just as long!"
"10 minutes! Why is it still scalding then?" screeched Harry, sounding like a startled vulture.
"This is a magic school, Harry! Things happen magically." Emphasised Hermione.
"Yeah, mate." said Ron. "Though you are leaning on a dragon that's breathing fire on the bottom of your bowl. Weird how no one saw that earlier."
"I did," said Dean Thomas (who?) "-though I thought it was miniature Snape! High five!"
Dean slapped Neville's forehead who fell backwards onto a stretcher that was waiting behind him and was carried off the to hospital wing.
"Thanks, Dean. I needed a good distraction from the excruciatingly painful burning sensation of my skin slowly being destroyed by the excessive damage caused by the scalding hot-"
"-alright, Harry, we get it. We all saw it happen." said Hermione, crossing her arms over her non-existent breasts. Ron stared regardless.
"Yeah, mate. It's weird how you're not screaming in agony on the floor right now. Guess you're a true Gryffindor after all."
"So you're saying a true Gryffindor is one that can withstand a substantial amount of pain whilst acting like they don't feel anything?"
"Obviously, Harry. Don't you read any of the books on true house attributes? The ones that didn't exist until I uttered them just then?" questioned Hermione while pocketing some bread rolls off the table.
"No, I haven't actually read anything about the Wizarding World. At all. Since I've been here for an unspecific time so far in this story, although I'm probably in second year considering Professor Lockhart is in it."
"What?" said the entire room. Turning to face Harry with menacing glares.
"I mean, erm, Quidditch and… Spells! Erm… I hate Potions class and stuff."
Harry let out a relieved sigh as everyone continued on with there business. That was close, he nearly gave away the plot!
i!i!i!
"Severus."
'What.'
"Yes, Minerva?"
"Oh nothing really, I was just wondering what you think of our new, stunningly handsome, Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. He's won several awards, you know." Minerva peered sideways over her half-moon spectacles.
'You already know exactly what I think of that idiot you tormenting, wrinkled old hag!'
"I think he's perfect for the job. Don't you agree?" said Snape with an evil smirk.
"Why Severus, I never thought you'd be complimenting someone who just happened to walk into the school and get the job you've been after for years out of nowhere. Put extra sugar in your tea this morning did we?" said Minerva in a sickeningly sweet voice.
"Perhaps, or maybe I'm thinking of how much of a better place the world would be if someone as 'breathtakingly handsome' as that, happens to, I don't know, have a sudden and gruesome death due to the job's curse." A wicked look flashed across the Potions Master's eyes as he glanced over to the said DADA teacher, who had just started choking on a bread roll.
'Or preferably, a slow and gruesome death.'
i!i!i!
"It's beautiful, isn't it?" said Hermione dreamily.
"I'm afraid I'm inclined to disagree with you there." said Harry.
The entire great hall was silently watching Lockhart choke with avid attention. Most of them here hypnotised by the soothing sounds of blocked airways, or the crumbs that were artfully decorating the table in front of him.
"Such a waste of bread." said Ron grumpily.
Harry's attention drifted down the staff table onto Professor Snape, who was smirking evilly at Lockhart's misfortune. Somehow, seeing Snape be amused by someone else's pain for a change, made Harry grin.
Harry turned to see Hermione watching at him with a calculating look in her eyes.
She must be doing maths or something.
A clattering noise caught the room's attention when Lockhart finally unclogged his throat. Everyone turned to the cause of the noise to see Ron, crawling along the table eating everything he can find.
Dumbledore stood.
"Ahem. Attention, boys and girls, if you please. I have a few announcements to make."
"Whatever he tells us not to do, I will do it." stated Harry.
"Harry, you've got to stop breaking the rules. Whatever he tells us not to do, promise me you won't do it!" pleaded Hermione.
Harry stared at her like she was mental.
"First of all, I'd like to remind you that at the end of the term, there will be a school dance. Make sure you have your outfits ready and your dates secured before then." Dumbledore looked over his glasses at Harry, who in return, looked creeped out back at Dumbledore.
"Second, at no point this year is any student with glasses permitted to enter a strange tunnel and fight a giant monster."
"Score!" Harry and Ron chimed, high-fiving each other.
Hermione glared daggers at them, but got distinctly ignored as usual.
Later that evening, Hermione was grumbling about respect for the authority while settling down with a book in the Gryffindor common room.
'They never listen to me. I tell them not to do something and they use that as a reason to do it!'
Hermione glared at the text she was reading on 'How To Handle Troublesome Boys by Jo Frost'.
'Hmm. Reverse psychology.'
i!i!i!
Harry and Ron were huddled together under the Invisibility cloak, shuffling along the ominously empty corridors.
"Psst. Harry. Where are we going again?"
"We're going to search for a scary looking tunnel to go down. Dumbledore said that I'm not to go down one, so there must be one somewhere."
"But it could be anywhere! What if it's somewhere gross like the girl's toilets?"
"Why would it be in the girl's toilets?"
"Well, who would look for it there?"
"The girls?""Oh yeah."
"Come on! There's a good chance it's in the dungeons, they are the lowest part of the school, so it'd make sense."
"Lead on!"