A year before
Breathing. That's all Dan could focus on, all he could think about, all he could try to do. He could hear the faint slapping on his feet on the gravel over the patter of the cold, unwelcoming rain and the bood pumping noisily in his ears. Step - breathe in. Step - breathe out. He could only focus on this pattern as he ran, the dark London night only adding to his increasing panic. He knew he couldn't go back home, not now, not ever. His breathing quickened, the pattern broken. Dan felt warm tears streaming down his tired face as he thought about what this meant, what his life now was. He knew it was for the best, that in the long run, he was making the right descision. Dan took another shaking breath, hearing the commotion behind him growing closer, and he ran deeper into the depths of the dark night, letting the crisp air envelope him with open arms.
Present Day: exactly a year after
"Ow!" Phil yelped, the pan he had been clutching now clattering to the tiles with a loud crash. He had zoned out, again, and he just so happened to be holding on to the handle of the pan with the fire heating its underneath. Phil pouted, cradling his now blistering burned hand to his chest.
He sighed heavily. Dan would've cared for his hand, making a big fuss over such a little injury on his best friend. He would have scolded Phil for his carelessness after making sure he was okay, and then he would've made a joke that would make Phil feel better. Dan would've laughed, the sound loud and obnoxious, yet so comforting and familiar that Phil would become lost in it, as he would a lullaby.
Phil sighed, realizing he had been zoning out again. He put the pan away absentmidedly and turned off the stove, his half-cooked omelet forgotten, and walked out of the kitchen. Plopping down on the couch, he looked at the stack of gaming cds with a heavy heart. Don't think about Dan, you know it's bad for you. Phil thought to himself, shaking his head and sighing again. Dan was dead, as far as he knew. He had left in the night, without a goodbye or explanation, packing nothing but the bare minimals. Phil had tried calling and texting, had searched and searched for his lost best friend. He even got the police involved, but since Dan was an adult and had willingly left on his own accord, the cops didn't have much they could do.
Stop thinking about him! You have just began to get better, to get over him, don't go back into depression now! Phil chatsised himself internally, trying to shut off his brain, to calm down. His phone buzzed in his pocket, the vibration enough to momentarily distract Phil, who picked it up half-heartedly.
"Hello?" Phil's voice was worn out and tired, so soft it was barely audiable.
"Phil?" The voice was tense, sounding broken but demanding.
"Yeah, that's me. May I ask who this is?" Phil perked up a bit, knowing that the voice wasn't really Dan, although it sounded just like him. He knew it was just his mind, as this had happened quite frequently.
"I-it's me. I wanted to ask if I could, um, if it would be okay if I came back home. It's me, Dan. Dan Howell." Dan's voice shook, and it wasn't just from nerves.
Dan bit his lip, tasting blood. He felt the bruises on his face, the gashes in his skin, the growl of his famine acting up. The chains dug into the raw, bloody skin of his bare wrists, and he felt his tormentor's gaze on him with a sickening twist in his gut. They had finally found Phil, finally found his weak spot. All of his suffering, the year he was gone, all of it was for nothing. He sat, waiting with anticipation, praying Phil had changed, praying Phil would yell and say he could never come back, that he hated him. Anything but acceptance, anything but the dangerous weakness of familiarity.
"Dan?" Phil's voice shook, and over the phone Dan could hear his sharp intake of breath. "No, this isn't real. Damn it, this is never real! They said I would get better," Phil sounded panicked and breathless, and Dan felt his heart shatter.
"No, Phil, I swear it's really me. I'm gonna come home, okay? Then you will know it's me."
Phil audiably sighed. "Sure, whatever. I would love it if you were actually real. Why wouldn't I let you come back? That's all I dream about, you asshole hallucination." Phil hung up, the line dead, and Dan felt nausea rise in his throat. One of the men pulled the phone away, grinning.
"Your'e back in the game, Danny. You can run and run, but you will always be my a pawn on my chess board," his voice made the hairs rise on the back of Dan's neck, and Dan glared defiantly at the man before him.
"Do what you want, you will never win your sick game, and I will never play your piece," Dan spat, feeling the blood seeping from his mouth with every word he spoke, his brown hair clumped with the dark red and his skin tainted. The man laughed a cruel laugh, before grabbing Dan by his hair, pulling sharply so Dan's face was angled towards his, his eyes cold, ice against burning fire.
"Oh, Dan... you don't want to play my piece, but unfortunately, you already have." The man whispered seductively in his ear, letting his chapped lips brush against Dan's skin. A blinding pain seared suddenly through Dan, his head feeling as if it were being ripped open from the inside. He heard a blood-curdling scream; it must have been his, but it was so different, so seperated from himself. Black spots danced in his vision before everything turned red, everything metallic and bloody. He, gratefully, blakced out into subconscieousness, feeling no more pain, hoping he was dead, hoping that Phil would be okay; just hoping.
A night later
Phil was curled beneath his duvet, inhaling the scent of his lost best friend from one of Dan's old hoodies; he knew it was kind of pathetic and creepy, but it was his only reminder that Dan was real, not just a figment of imagination. It was a reminder that Dan might be alive. Phil sighed, asking himself why his best friend would leave, without saying goodbye or packing, and never come back. His family had been devastated, as well all of his friends and fans, and he was just gone. Vanished. No record of him at any airports, no licencse to trace, no credit card payments, no record of transportation or sightings of the six foot man. Nothing. So he had to be dead.
Phil refused to believe the obvious answer, feeling fresh tears sting his eyes. Dan wouldn't commit suicide, no matter how bad it got, unless something drastic happened. And Dan was having a great year, a wonderful time, and he truely did love and appreciate his life. So what, a few existential crisis', and then bam, suicide? He wouldn't do that; his existential crisis weren't depressing thoughts, just more unanswered questions of the universe and the reasoning behind existence of humanity, the things most people couldn't be bothered to try to wrap their heads around.
Phil sunk deeper into his bed, squeezing his eyes shut. If he truely is dead, why aren't you? He thought to himself sadly, though he knew he shouldn't. Why are you here, and your bestfriend isn't? What are you living for when the person who makes you happy and life worth it is gone, most likely dead? Phil wimpered into his duvet, tucking his knees closer to his chest. His phone buzzed against the nightable beside the bed, snapping him out of his thoughts, thankfully. Phil sniffed, sitting up warily and grabbing the phone, hoping it was another hallucination, another real-dream of Dan, because at least then he wouuld hear Dan's voice one more time.
"Hello?" he picked up, his voice raw.
"Is this Mr. Lester?" A deep, emotionless voice asked.
Phil blinked. "Um, yeah, who's speaking?"
"I am officer Charles, an agent of the local police department. A man was recently admitted into the hospital after being found in an unhealthy location. We gathered from his DNA that he is in fact Daniel James Howell, though he hasn't woken up yet. You were listed as his aquaintance, yes?"
Phil gasped, shaking his head, wondering if he was actually going insane. "Um, yes, he was my flatmate." He couldn't say anymore, couldn't speak, holding his breath.
"We want you to come down to the hospital and see if you recognize him as Mr. Howell, because there is a chance that the DNA in our computer system is incorrect. Are you willing to come immediately to speak with a few of our officers, along with myself, about the disappearance of your flatmate?"
Phil bit his lip, pinching his arm to make sure this was real. "Yes, of course, I'm on my way now." Phil couldn't help the hope bubbling in the pit of his stomach, but he knew that this most likely couldn't be true. Things like this weren't his reality, just a trick of his mind, like usual. Yet Phil found himself in front of the hospital about twenty minutes after the phone call, rushing into the building as if it was what he was meant to do, why he was created in the world in the first place.
He was immediately escorted into one of the rooms, two policemen accompanying him as he held his breath and opened the door. Phil gasped, then chocked on his own intake of breath, feeling the tears in his eyes, the sharp pain in his heart as he looked at his friend benath a mountain of sheets, sleeping soundly. Phil went to take a step forward and stumbled, sinking to his knees and grabbing onto one of the policemen's arms to steady himself. Phil pulled himself back up, trembling, and took another shaky step towards Dan. Suddenly Phil keeled over, dropping back to the ground besides the bed, burrowing his face into the bed, his warm tears sinking into the fabric, tears of both relief and anger, sorrow and glee, a confusing mess of emotions.
Dan's jaw was bruised heavily, a large gash stitched and bandaged on his forehead, his face sunken and small, his hair matted with blood and dirt. Phil noticed how small his friend had become, the hospital bed enveloping him as if he were a child in a queen-sized bed, rather then a small twin sized. The rest of him was covered by the sheets, but Phil knew there was more, knew that his friend was hurt gravely. One of the policemen in the doorway cleared his throat.
"So, I assume this is your missing flatmate?"
Phil nodded, sniffing and bringing his eyes up to meet Dan's closed ones, reaching over and carefully running his hand through his friend's hair.
"He went missing a year ago, on his own accord, to the extent of your knowledge. Is that correct?" The other one asked, scribbling furiously into a notepad. Phil nodded again, his mellow, light blue eyes glazed over, his mind distant and straying. He thought of the fans, who he had told that Dan was in a serious existential crisis, for lack of better excuse, and how they would react to him being back. And what did happen that night, what was the truth that he didn't know? Phil shook his head, knowing that he would have to wait until his friend woke up, and that he should be grateful that Dan was alive, alive and home.
After a few more questions, to which Phil answered shortly, the officers left, and Phil sat in a chair beside the bed, listening to the heart monitor beat contently and gazing at Dan's injured figure with a heavy heart, somehow feeling responsible for this, even though he knew it wasn't his fault. He absentmindedly grabbed Dan's limp hand, running his fingers over Dan's long pianist ones, feeling every callous, studying every structure of the smooth skin, with its warmth and comfort. Phil bit his lip as he saw the split knuckles and speckles of dried blood, running his hand softly over the cuts with a frown upon his face. After a while he settled for just holding the lifeless hand in his, looking at the arm that was showing, which was bandaged and plastered, and he again found himself wondering what exactly happened.
Phil's thoughts strayed, and hours later he was still sat there, thinking of pain and the mental instability it could cause, worry creating dark circles beneath his eyes, similar to the ones beneath Dan's closed ones. Nurses came in and out of the room, checking blood pressure and heart monitors and changing bandages, each time Phil turning away as to not see what was done to the person he cares about so deeply. Eventually Phil fell into a restless, dreamless sleep, his neck bent at an uncomfortable angle whilst he was curled on the hard chair.
Phil woke a couple hours later to an increase in the beeping of the heart monitor. Blinking sleep from his eyes and shaking the sweaty hair from his face, he sat up, a blanket that a nurse had strewn across his lap falling to the floor. And then fire met ice again, brown against blue, opposite to opposite. Phil's eyes finally met Dan's scared brown one's, and it was like time stopped, gravity suspended, breath held, the universe waiting for what came next in anticipation.
Dan's breathing quickened, as if he was afraid of Phil, afraid that he would be struck. Phil, tears in his eyes, realized that this was real, that he finally had Dan back, and he wouldn't leave his side again. Phil opened his arms patiently, testing Dan, seeing if Dan was afraid of contact, afraid of him, or would go for comfort of his friend. Dan held Phil's gaze, trying to calm his fear and confusion. Why couldn't he remember anything recent? Dan studied Phil, remembering up until one night when he had went to bed. And then after that he could remember nothing else. Had it been hours, days, weeks? He couldn't think, couldn't understand why he was in the hospital or why he hurt all over.
Dan almost shyed away, almost let himelf be confused and afraid alone, but then he saw the tears in Phil's soft eyes, and he found himself leaning into his friend's arms, chocking out a confused sob and burrowing his face into the crook of Phil's neck. He felt Phil trembling, felt his warm tears soaking into Phil's hoodie, felt himself hugging back as if his life depended solely on it. Pain shot through his ribs, lacing through his side to an unnaturally painful extent. He whimpered into Phil's neck, closing his eyes and inhaling deeply.
Phil felt the tears streaming down his face as he comforted Dan, hugging him close and breathing deeply. Phil closed his eyes, feeling Dan leaning closer into the hug, his arms holding Dan up carefully, Phil letting the younger bury himself in Phil's arms and cry. Eventually Dan pulled away, sniffing and wiping at his eyes, leaning back into the pile of comfortable pillows.
"Phil, wh-what happened?" Dan's voice was hoarse, and it cracked near the end. Phil felt his eyes widen, and all at once he felt his heart shatter. Dan didn't remember, but he was confused and in pain.
Phil bit his lip and watched his friend shrink lower into the bed, his body exhausted. "We don't know, bear. You don't remember anything?" Phil spoke softly, hoping the use of Dan's old nickname would be comforting.
Dan shook his head and began to cry again. He felt helpless, like a child, but Dan couldn't help it. He was so tired and confused, in the most unbearable pain, and so utterly relieved to see Phil. Phil got up and climbed into the bed with Dan, opening his arms and letting Dan climb into them, as he would've to a young boy. Phil ran his hand through Dan's hair soothingly, hugging him tightly.
"You were gone for a year. You left one night and we couldn't find you. But you're okay now, love, your'e back and nothing bad will happen to you anymore, I promise." Phil comforted, his voice consoleing and trustworthy. Dan hiccuped, letting Phil's words truely sink in. A year. Twelve months. Three hundred and sixty five days. That's how long he was gone, a year of his life he could never get back, one he couldn't even remember. And why would he leave? Why was he hurt? Why couldn't he remember?
"I'm sor-sorry Phil. I don't kn-know what happened." Dan incoherrently mummbled into Phil's hoodie. Phil shushed him reassuringly. After a while of them just laying like that, Dan spoke up again, his voice now even. "Phil, do you think you could, um, call in a doctor? I have, um, a question for them."
Phil nodded and smiled, getting up and hitting the button for medical assistance. When Phil sat in the chair beside the bed to wait for the doctor, he noticed Dan's pout, and laughed his first real laugh in a year.
"I can't be in the bed with you when the doctor comes in, silly. They would kick me out," He chuckled again as Dan sighed, settling on holding Phil's hand tightly in his own instead. A few moments later a Doctor came in, her smiling immediately at Dan's face, his cheeks bright red from her catching him holding Phil's hand, embarrassed. But instead of letting go, he boldly grasped Phil's hand tigher in his, hoping Phil didn't mind, letting the contact with his friend comfort him.
Phil smiled happily as Dan awkwardly looked away from the doctor and held his hand tighter; Dan was still Dan, and he still trusted Phil, which made Phil finally feel complete again, as if a patrt of him had finally become whole.
"Hey there! Your'e Daniel, right?" The doctor asked kindly, closing the door behind her.
Dan turned to face her again, giving a shy smile back. "Yeah, I'm Dan."
The friendly doctor nodded. "Well my name is Jess, and I'm going to be your'e doctor for your time here. I assume you want a dosage of morphine for the pain in your lower abdomen and ribcage?"
Dan winced. "Well, yes, but I have, um, some questions for you, about my injuries." He continued when the doctor came up to the beside, fiddling with one of his wires from the IV morphine dosage monitor and nodding. "Um, can you tell me what caused my injuries?"
"Well," the doctor began. "You have a few broken ribs, which could have been caused by being struck hardly by something or a hard fall. My guess is that you were intentionally kicked there. As for the abdominal pain, you were also hit there quite a lot, so there is some heavy bruising. You're arm isn't broken, but the person or group of people who did this to you, um." She paused uncomfortably before looking away. "They most likely used a knife, but they cut some words into your arm, so that probably hurts. A couple of your fingers are broken, and your foot is broken, but otherwise then that, we have no idea what happened. You most likely haven't eaten in days, so you have to take it easy with food and water, and you also haven't gotten much sleep."
Dan took it all in before looking at Phil, as if he were thinking hard about something, before turning back to Jess, squirming uncomfortably. "I know it's different for males to be tested, but have I been checked, for, um, for rape?" His voice was small and pained. "Because it really hurts down there right now."
Phil took a sharp intake of breath and looked to Dan with sad eyes, who purposely looked away.
The doctor grimanced. "Of course we could test you, sweetheart. Are you afraid of needles?" Dan shook his head, and a few minutes later a sample of his blood was on its way to the lab. The doctor, after checking his pupils for signs of a concusion, which would be the cause of the slight amnesia, left, going to the test labs.
Dan sat tiredly, his eyes studying Phil's hand in his as he thought about what exactly was going on. This stuff only happened in stories, happened to more important people. Not to people like Dan. He shook the thought out of his head. It did happen, and he couldn't get that year back, couldn't make it right again. What he could do was remember the memories that wouldn't surface; find out why he left and who did this.
Dan suddenly gasped, squeezing Phil's hand hard, pain shooting through his spine. Running. He was running. Lights were flashing, tears and rain together running down his tired face. People were following him. Running faster. Praying, hiding, fear. He was running again. Night was darker. There was a piece of paper, buried next to the people looking for him. Evil eyes, blue and cold as ice. He was screaming. Muffled screaming. He couldn't breathe, couldn't think, couldn't move.
"Dan?!" Phil was shaking him lightly, his blue eyes cold with worry. Dan blinked. Eyes cold as ice. Dan flinched away before looking into Phil's eyes, his own wide with fear. But Phil's eyes were warm and soft, comforting in their blue color, with tints of green and yellow framing the personality and wisdom behind them. Dan felt his tense shoulders relax, felt himself sink back into the pillows, never breaking eye contact with Phil.
"I'm okay," Dan reassured, seeing Phil's worry.
"What happened?" Phil asked, trying not to notice how Dan just did what he used to do when Dan had first left. How he had tensed up, eyes glazed over, seeing something that had previously happened, something that wasn't here and now. How he had gasped softly and clutched onto Phil, going still as a rock, murmering soft words on his lips as he pictured them being said.
"I," Dan sputtered, looking to the tiles of the hospital floor as if they were the most interesting things. "Nothing," Dan spoke timidly, the lie formed on his lips before he could even think. "My ribs just really hurt, thats all." Dan cringed internally, knowing that before he had never been a lier, never being particularly goof at lying. Now, however, the words were fluidly rolling off his toungue as if it was the most natural thing he could do.
Phil shook his head. "No, you remembered something. Please, I won't tell anyone, I promise." Phil couldn't tell how exactly he knew Dan was lying. Besides the lack of eye contact, everything Dan said would've been normal, and his voice was even, his response casually spoken. It was believable, more believable then any lie Dan had ever told before, which was another thing that set off warning bells in Phil's head.
Dan cringed physically at the tone of Phil's pleading voice, scared his friend was upset with him. He felt an apology forming on his lips, but he swallowed it, focusing on breathing, which began to become harder. He felt his heart pace quicken, nerves setting in, and he was suddenly breathing faster and panicking. Phil was going to push the emergency button to call a doctor, but then he knew that it would only make it worse. Dan hated being surrounded by people he didn't know; it would only panic him further.
Phil, instead, sat back on the bed, pulling Dan into his lap carefully. He brought Dan's younger face up to meet his eyes, before speaking calmly, as to not panic him further. "Bear, your'e okay. I'm sorry. If you don't want to tell me, you don't have to. I'm not upset with you, and I never could be, mate." Phil noticed how his last sentence effected Dan, who became a bit more in control of his breathing. Phil continued with the knowledge of what had started the panic attack. "You are the person I care about most in this world, Dan. I will never be upset with you. I'm not going to leave you. You need to focus on your breathing, love. Breathe with me. In. Out." Phil continued on soothingly like this until Dan had calmed down, his breathing normal and his pulse only a bit faster than normal.
Dan stayed in Phil's lap, too shaken to care about how embarrassing that should be. "I'm sorry," he said quietly, his small, frail form trembling in Phil's arms. Phil shook his head.
"Don't be sorry, Dan, I promise I'm not mad."
Dan nodded and buried his head into Phil's shoulder, letting himself melt into the hug as Phil held him close. "I just felt myself running and hiding. It didn't make sense, it was like I was really there, experiencing it for the first time. Their were these eyes," Dan shuddered, letting out a shaky breath. "I dunno, they were just so cold, and I kept seeing them, and it was so horrible."
Phil listened carefully, making sure to remember that incase Dan forgot it. "I'm sorry, bear. But it's better to remember, rather than to surpress."
Dan nodded miserably, the use of his old nickname bringing him comfort. A few moments later Dan was asleep on Phil's shoulder, his face young and peaceful in rest. Phil laid back, letting Dan sleep on him, getting tired himself. Phil nodded off, feeling the exhaustion of the past four hours settling in, the world outside the closed windows dark with night.
About two hours later, a new doctor was in the room, shaking Phil awake with annoyance.
"This bed is only for patients, young man." She said sternly, her voice loud and angry. Phil, blinking sleep from his eyes, tried to slip off the bed without waking Dan, about to apologize.
"This room is also only for patients, when no doctors are needed, so why the fuck are you in here?" Dan's voice was thick with annoyance matching hers, though his eyes were still shut as if he were alseep. Both Phil and the doctor turned to look at him, startled. Dan opened one eye, then the other, before letting them land on the doctor before him and Phil, who were both still snuggled together on the small hospital bed.
The doctor sputtered, trying to think of something to retort with that wasn't lame. "I was told to come in here and rewrap your bandages, so I'm supposed to be in here. And when you adress me, call me Doctor." She said, not at all kind.
Dan coughed out a tired laugh. "Your'e not even a Doctor. You were told to be here? You've got to be kidding. You are obviously a nurse, and I was obviously sleeping. My bandages can wait until you get Doctor Jessica."
The nurse flashed an offended face at him. "You want Jess?"
Dan groaned. "Did I fucking stutter? Get Jess to change my bandages, or I don't want them changed. If you come near me, I will sue you, well within my rights. I studied law, I should know. What's your name, nurse, so I can file a complaint?"
The nurse, apalled, staggered back a bit. "Jess doesn't come back from her break for another hour. I'm sorry about waking you two up, please don't file a complaint."
Dan rolled his eyes, yawning. "Yeah, whatever. My bandages will wait an hour, then. I won't tell your boss about this, as long as you leave Phil the hell alone. He could sleep in the patient's bed if the fucking patient says so, and he doesn't need your attitude about it."
She nodded, shooting a very fake apology towards Phil's perplexed form before storming out of the room, closing the door behind her. Phil sat up a bit, wondering what had just happened.
Dan blinked, also confused. He never was one to snap obnoxiously like that, even when he was defending his best friend. Although he was admittedly proud of his encounter with the nurse, he felt a drowning sensation fill his gut. What made that personality change in the year he was gone?
Sure enough, after an hour of Phil catching Dan up on a few of the things he missed, Doctor Jess was back in the room.
"I heard about your encounter with Beth, and your request for me to change your bandages instead." Jess, amused, grinned as she rewrapped the new bandages on Dan's thin, broken ribcage. Dan blushed as she laughed, smiling.
"She was being rude to Phil," Dan shrugged, grinning.
The doctor laughed, and Phil found himself naturally grinning with his friend. They chatted a bit more, medicine being administered and charts being checked. Soon a nurse came into the room, her blonde hair in her eyes, and handed an envelope to Jess, saying a few murmmered words of explanation before leaving, closing the door behind her.
Jess turned to Dan and Phil's expectant faces, frowning slightly, her dark hair falling out of her messy bun down her shoulder.
"Dan, the results for the testing is in. Do you want Mr. Lester to stay for this, because it is alright to want to see the results independently, and he wouldn't have to know what they were. No offense, of course, Phil, it is just required that I ask."
Dan bit the inside of his cheek nervously, feeling smaller than ever in a very large world of decisions. He trusted Phil, undoubtedly, but he didn't want to be treated differently if the results were positive. Also, ever since he had woken up in the hospital bed, Dan felt himself acting more wary and careful about how he acted or what he said, as if hiding something. He wasn't, but it was like an instinct to shy away, to bury himself away.
But it was Phil. The person he told everything, who he trusted and cared about most in the world, who he shared his world with. Phil, with his caring blue eyes and smile that could solve everything. He had always been there, even when Dan wasn't, always comforting him and cleaning up his mess.
"He can stay," Dan said in a small voice, shifting a bit in the bed and pulling the sheets closer around him. He felt Phil sit back down in his chair beside the bed and watched as the doctor opened the envelope calmly.
She scanned them for a second that lasted for ages, before opening her mouth to speak. "The results have come back positive for rape. I'm sorry, Dan, I wish there was something I can do," She looked helplessly at Phil, who ran a shaking hand through his hair. Dan sat quietly, not moving a muscle, staring at the empty white wall with a blank expression.
After a moment, he finally let his gaze turn to Jess. His brown eyes were understanding and thoughtful, in the most sad way, the youth sucked away. "Thank you," he said in a steady voice, before turning back to looking at the wall with his knees tucked to his chest.