A/N

Mm, rather angsty. Re-upload due to requests.

This is a personal piece. Review at your leisure - just don't ask me any stupid questions about the ending - they will be met with a time-honoured look of haughty derision.

This is rated M for a reason. All I'll say.

Disclaimer: I don't own FF or any of its constituents – it is property of SE

NIN – Something I Can Never Have

I don't know how long it's been; how long I've had this for. You know me: proud, stubborn, hard-headed...I've been too focussed on trying to ignore my own feelings that I forgot to keep count of the days. Days? Nah, not days. Years. My feelings are measured in years for her. Just like this hunk of rock I'm stuck on ain't never gonna stop spinnin', the way I feel for her ain't never gonna end. Heh, a horrible way to explain all the trouble I'm in – all the torment that's keeping me from thinking straight. She probably has no clue how dizzy I am chasing her in these circles – has no idea what a fool I've been – for her.

I'm not so great with my words. She's a lot better. I could listen to her for hours, but she never talks that much. She wouldn't understand how much I love to wrap her voice around my head because the thought never occurs to her; I never occur to her. She's turning heads, twisting thoughts – my thoughts, mostly.

I've never needed no one to hold me together - and that's exactly why I'm so ashamed to admit this.

This woman...she splits me in two like a lifeline.

Yeah...she's my lifeline.

I always kinda liked her, y'know? I mean, you have seen her, right? The cherry blossom hair that falls over her heart-shaped face ; the slight curves that draw the eye despite the way she covers up; those legs that run up to heaven and back...oh yeah, I knew Lightning was my type almost right away - I've always had an eye for the pretty ones.

I guess that's what made me do it; that's why I ran after her, back in Palumpolum. Yeah, you heard right – it was that hot ass body that sparked my interest, made me follow; it sure as hell beat hangin' around Knucklehead and Junior. This Lightning had some fight in her...I knew she wasn't gonna be backin' down from anything she wanted or anything she felt was completely necessary to do. That excited the hell outta me – I was gonna love watchin' her work up a sweat. And alright, before you say it, I know – it's a shallow thing to admit to – I don't want to hear any of that because you'd all have thought and done the exact same thing. Save your hypocritical bull for someone who gives a damn. I've got more I wanna say.

I remember each cool look she gave me back then. I just grinned at 'em all smug-like, thinkin' I got a kick outta it botherin' her. I'd sprint on ahead and charge into battles when she told me to wait; I made her chase after me by takin' point all the time; I'd provoke fights I knew I didn't stand a chance of winning by myself...it took a while for me to realise that I was trying to impress her. And failing – badly. All I seemed to be successful at was making more trouble for myself. She simply didn't care how fast I could dispatch those PSICOM twits single-handedly; she wasn't concerned at all when I needed healing...she'd just kneel by me and cure me up with this expression that said I was wastin' her time. I'd stare at her while she did this, trying to get a read on her, but I never could – she wouldn't let me. That didn't stop my attempts, of course...she didn't intimidate me...but I did find her hellish challenging.

It was after I told her about who I was and what I'd done that she finally showed me some spirit. That smack caught me off guard all right; I was so stunned by that sudden eruption and display of emotion I just sat there, leerin' up at her and rubbin' the side of my face. I was surprised at myself, 'cause I felt so bad, even though she was the one that hit me. I've never felt that way in that situation before and I didn't understand it.

Now I do.

The following' couple of nights were awkward. I kept talkin' at her like an idiot 'cause she had no interest in tellin' me nothin'. It was strange, trying to get to know Lightning. Normally I could just say somethin' funny or charming to get my company to loosen up. I'd smile and the air would hang with loose words and frayed sentences...sometimes wayward attention if I got bored. But it's nothin' like that with her. She just treated me with this mild contempt that made me feel uneasy. I almost missed Snow and his stupid, big grin; I coulda used some of his optimism then – that's for sure.

Still, her coolness didn't bother me that much. As daft as I must've appeared, I kept gibbering away. Normally about the things me and Vanille used to get up to when we were kids – we were always gettin' into scraps...well I was, anyway. She never laughed or told me off none – she was always detached. I didn't tell her about how I'd lost my folks pretty young or the orphanage, but she knew enough to know I'd learned a few things the hard way. In a sense, it was nice that she was so distant and didn't question me on any of that; I had a feeling' she had experience with some of it too, so she didn't feel the need bother. No need and no desire to. That worked though - I like it when I don't have to explain that stuff...maybe that's why I was growing to appreciate her silence. Though at the same time, I found myself wonderin' more and more about her; what kind of a person she was, underneath all that ice.

It wasn't until after we'd met up with the others that I began to feel...odd. I'd been desperate to see my sister again and it felt great to be reunited with her, to know that she was safe. But it wasn't that great. Knowing' Lighting wasn't gonna be spending' her time around me no more was making me frown – only I couldn't show that, could I? There'd be too many questions from the squirt, from the lug – and too few from her. So I got real quiet, disappeared into myself where I let my thoughts eat away at me.

Each day that passed I noticed somethin' new about her. I learned that she lunges too deeply when she attacks from the wing; that she falls asleep on her back, but ends up on her right side come morning; that her eyes look green in the light of campfire and that when she goes off alone, it's because she likes peace to watch the stars.

Because I'm a fool, I let myself start wonderin' what it might be like to watch the skies with her. And then – to do more than that. To lie under the moon with her, beside her...astride her. I told myself it was all the danger we were in that was amplifying my feelings...makin' me like her way more than I should. I started craving things I never thought about with anyone else I'd ever been with.

I wanted my lips to borrow sentences from cupid and to press them to her skin; to hold them to her heart so that I was sure that she could feel me there, where it mattered most of all. And my fingers, they'd stray not so innocently...god, those silver arrows would pierce flesh untouched before.

I wanted to tease her for hours and to memorise her perfect form: each slope, each curve, each plain, each mark... I wanted to learn her, all through the night – I'd have stayed up studying' by the firelight. Was it so wrong to want to explore her like I did? To feel her on some other level, to taste her secrets...to remove her from this place completely...to somewhere we'd strain to hear the world in orbit? Somewhere where time didn't exist...

I don't know. I have no idea. I just had to see myself in the sunrise of her eyes; I'd have welcomed the impatient day if we could've greeted it together.

Sometimes, in my mind, she'd flip the script on me and I'd let her, too - she'd punish me with the passion she hides too well. Other times, I was haunted by dreams of drowning in her; I wanted to feel her in my lungs where a whisper of her name formed there in the swell and surged forward, risin' up like...like a furious tempest, growing into the whimpers that'd spill from my lips and drip from my tongue...the ones that I'd send way above her head and repeat in a gentle kiss against her ear.

I was even fantasising about the future...about what would happen after all this crazy L'Cie business was behind us. I imagined what her house looked like, how it smelled...the colours of her walls, how warm she liked it in there. I smiled thinkin' about her lying' her head in my lap when we watched television... she wouldn't ask if she could...she wouldn't say nothing at all. We'd have a silent understanding', y'know? She'd never have to ask me for nothing 'cause there was nothing I'd deny her.

But it was all dreaming. I knew enough to keep my hands to myself. I knew tellin' her there and then exactly how I felt would be a mistake, so I said nothing. I took out my frustrations on any enemies we came across. I pushed myself harder and faster than the rest of 'em because I thought an ache in my arms and legs would take my mind off her. Vanille, she knows me too well and could tell somethin' was up, but I lied to her and said I was fine. She knew I was fibbin' when I said I was just thinkin' about how we were gonna fix the mess we were in – I hated deceiving her. But that's me. Proud, stubborn, stupid Fang.

Oerba was where it all caught up to me. The guilt about Serah, what had happened to my home, the lying to my sister and my feelings for someone who barely cared I was alive. Yeah, it was in Oerba that she came and found me, told me off like I was a kid for walkin' about by myself 'cause there were monsters around. I laughed at that. I mean, I really laughed. Like she thought I gave a damn about the fucking monsters? How could someone so astute be so bloody blind? Couldn't she see what I was goin' through? Weren't my looks at her so obvious, so telling, that she should just know? She asked me what was so funny, but I couldn't see clearly enough through my kaleidoscopic visions of lust and rage and guilt to come up with anything coherent. I couldn't speak anyway. There was a burning ache in my throat at that point – like someone was squeezin' it, from the inside; it was scorching, scintillating...like my shame. The more that invisible hand crushed, the more moisture welled in my eyes. That stopped me from seeing her beautiful face – I couldn't see nothin' but a wall of watery self-pity. I looked away before my eyes had the chance to betray me; I shut them tight and willed myself away.

And then, something unexpected anchored me to the moment.

It took me a minute to realise that that extra heat I felt wasn't comin' from me...

That was the first time she held me.

It was so quiet I could hear my thoughts touching the seconds that beat by on that drum in my chest. But my heart was doing a poor job of keeping time. I waited for her to speak, but she didn't say nothin' - and neither did I. She just held me there; let me rest my hands atop hers...

I still don't know what possessed her to reach out to me that night, to touch my heartache. But I'm glad that she did. She let me forget everything in that moment...funny that it's the main memory that's stickin' in my mind these days.

And despite not having her the way I wanted, not being able to talk to her the way I always did in my head and not being allowed to touch her like I was dyin' to...everything after that night seemed like it was...new. I felt new. I found my energy again – I shone brighter just by her being around me. The world was dressed in different colours and she showed me to my smile. There were changes in her too, but only subtle ones...I mean, it's Light we're talkin' about. She initiated the conversation sometimes – even joked a little with Sazh. I'm sure I caught her smirkin' at some things I said and she came out with some smart ass comments that thrilled me way more than they should've. I loved catching those rare glimpses of Claire. They were precious and I treasured them because of that.

When the end finally came, when I realised what I had to do, I felt strangely fine. Fine because I had to be. If I had hesitated; if I'd dared to think about never seeing that scowl of hers again, never hearing her smoky voice that she tries so hard to make firm...if I let myself face the fact that I'd never have a chance to touch her again, I'd have failed what I was always fated to do. That's why I smiled so sadly when Vanille stood there and took my hands, why I lowered my head like I did to hide the truth in my eyes. Because I wanted to spend my last moments thinking of the woman I had fallen for – but couldn't.

I lacked the courage to say goodbye.

The darkness was soothing for a while...but soon the strangest of dreams disturbed me...visions in red and gold, dripping icicles...I heard voices echoing in the light...

I knew I wasn't dreaming when I saw her face again because I'd never dreamed of seeing her this way before. In my fantasies, she was just like she was in real life: distant and cool, but I could always get through to her, somehow. But when I woke up, she looked so happy, smiled so easily. She held me so tightly even though I didn't have the strength in my arms to do the same. I can't even describe how amazing it felt when she told me that she'd missed me.

Yeah, she told me she'd missed me...that's what she whispered in my ear...

It's no surprise then that I was so damn confused when she started avoiding me. I'd only been back a few weeks when she slipped back into her old ways of sustained silence and scowling; sure enough, another week later, she'd thrown herself into work so deep even Serah hadn't seen her. They'd made her a captain now, so that gave her an excuse to ignore everyone – apparently. But what the hell was goin' through that head of hers? I hadn't done nothin' to her! I'd been too weak to lift a finger to her, hadn't I? I'd been real careful about what I'd said too because I didn't want to mess up now that I was back in her life. But she was actin' like she was pissed, like I'd offended her, even though I knew I couldn't. She was treatin' me like I was still stuck in the crystal – dead to the world; dead to her. Well, maybe that's why I snapped at her the way I did.

Let me tell you somethin' about this girl; somethin' I learned there and then: she don't take no bullshit off of no one. She's like me in that respect, but it's different, 'cause I can't control my temper like she does. I know now that when something's botherin' her, she'll just snort all derisive-like and walk away. Yeah, she'll use her fists to make a point but only if she really has to...it sounds all ways crazy but I think she prefers not to make a scene. Somehow, she just ignores it, switches off; on-off, on-off...Light-switch Lightning. But me? Well, I ain't nothing like her, am I? No...I gotta go and tell it like it is. I'm not satisfied until I feel the thunder in my chest and the heat in my neck and face. I speak plain n' straight-forward – despite what all these Cocoon folk'll tell you. You get on the wrong side of me and you're gonna know about it. I don't know how to be any other way; I don't know when to walk away and when to shut my mouth.

She doesn't like that about me, and that's why I'm in this mess.

She stopped answerin' my calls when I got frustrated with her - when I let my impatience get the better of me; when I told her exactly how I'd been feeling for a very long time and that I felt hard done by. I didn't understand why she was acting like she was. That didn't matter. It was a mistake to call her on it because it cost me her company. For once, I hated myself for being so honest.

See, those feelings I had for her? They were still there. The realisation that she'd gone to so much effort to find me and Vanille, to free us...it only fed into my delusion that she cared for me more than she felt she should – the way I felt for her. She likes it when things are made clear to her in words...but don't she get that actions speak just as loud sometimes? That's doubly true when it comes to her 'cause she's so damned reserved about everything. She don't like me making assumptions about her neither...but assumptions are all I got when she gives me so little. They're all I have of her. So assume I did...

Because I didn't have the strength to hide how I was feeling anymore, Vanille found out about it. I poured my heart out to her. She was so sweet about everything...told me she suspected all along. Heh. Just like that, I was reminded of how much I loved her...she was always so understanding. I'd been such a bitch to be around those weeks, but she didn't hold it against me none. Instead, we talked about Light; what it was I liked about her. Her beauty was obvious, but I spoke about it anyway because she always acted like it wasn't important. I confessed to my sister how I loved each cool look that she shot at me, even though it brought me so much damn misery. I admired her convictions and even likened that part of her to myself; she'd fight for anyone she cared for and she'd die before compromising' on her values. But most of all, I respected her. I respected how graceful she was – in battle, in life. She didn't seek validation like all those other girls had demanded from me...and she never told me I was wrong for believing, for feeling the things that I did. The more I thought about that, the more I questioned how I'd reacted. I wish I could've left my guilt frozen in the crystal; left it in my past life. Dead.

And then Vanille asked me what I didn't like about her.

I only had one answer.

Lighting's only crime was silence.

We all went out for Serah's birthday not long after I'd got all that off my chest. I knew she'd be there, because it was for her sister; I knew there'd be no apology, no explanation of her behaviour; there was no way she was gonna listen to my sorries no more either...I almost didn't care about that though - I was too distracted by my excitement at bein' around her again.

She sat opposite me when she arrived late, mutterin' somethin' about work and her tardiness. The noise of the restaurant bothered me a lot because it made it harder to hear her velvet voice. I kept glancing at her over the table throughout the meal, but she barely lifted her eyes from her plate the entire time. When she did, it was to search for her water glass or to scowl at something Snow had said from the other end of the table. I guess it was nice to know everyone else was getting the same chilly reception as me as she so artfully avoided engaging in the conversation unless she absolutely had to; as daft as it sounds, it made me feel better knowing I was on the same level as everyone.

Well, it did and it didn't.

Maybe it was the fancy wine they all had me drinkin', but I felt myself wanting her more than I had before. It was painful knowing that she never really saw me and didn't have no inclination to neither. She wouldn't understand how I felt or why because she wasn't me – she couldn't. Lightning didn't do relationships anyway – empathy was a stranger.

I think she'd hate me for loving her.

So I kept my distance from her; I tried to forget about her. I hadn't heard from her in weeks and I was so fuckin' miserable. Nothing Vanille said was cheering me up anymore. I stopped hunting, I slept all day and just stared at my wireless at night, hoping she'd come to her senses and call or burst through my door and tear into me - to teach me it was a mistake to care for someone like her.

She never did.

A few more weeks past and I was so low and pathetic I started to lean that little bit further into oncoming traffic – it had really come to that. I was too much of a coward to end my own suffering so I flirted with the possibility of someone else doin' it for me. Sometimes I'd pick fights with blokes at Lebreau's because I wanted her to show up to restore the order – the order in my life; to tell me my behaviour was unacceptable – to scream at me that I was a fool to be pinin' after her like some dopey teenager when she didn't want me, when I had no chance. I got such sick satisfaction thinking about her darin' to tell me that I was exaggerating everything about how I was feeling; thinkin about what I'd do to just to prove how wrong she was. I made these brawls a nightly gig for a whole week. I didn't care if it meant a black eye or spendin' the night in the cells. Nothing mattered to me at all, really, except her.

That plan never worked out though...nah, of course not. All the law ever gave me was a fine and anyway, Captain Farron had more important things to do than to deal with than someone like me. Like monsters. But I felt like a monster. It was scaring me that I wanted to feel her blade end me...

Lebreau was getting fed up of my antics in the bar as well; she didn't know what was up exactly but was sympathetic about my moods nonetheless. That musta been why she set me up with some dates; but of course, each one became a game of comparisons, didn't it? This one ain't as pretty as Light; that one's too dumb; she has nothin' goin' for her and she bores me rigid. Truth be told, none of them were good enough, because none were the one I wanted. None of them had that unique set of traits of hers that made me feel so extraordinary. She was the only one that made me want to show her my sadness, make her feel my passion...to blind her with my anger.

I just didn't want anyone else seeing inside of me.

It wasn't until the Fireworks' festival that I finally got to speak to her again. I saw her standin' there, in the town plaza; her back to Serah, Snow and Hope...arms folded across her chest...across her heart. I couldn't decide on her expression, whether she was annoyed or bored, but the fact she was being forced to spend time around all these people, with Snow especially, told me it was likely a mix of both. Vanille got excited when she saw Serah and ran up to her to give her a big hug – I guess the movement darting towards her sister caught Light's attention 'cause her head snapped to Vanille right away...and then I felt her cool gaze fix on me: through the crowd, it weaved between oblivious bodies till it found me and crawled along my skin, freezin' me to the spot.

I had to remind myself to breathe, you know, so captivated I was by those cerulean daggers slicing apart the evening darkness; hacking away at my brain stem, making me choke up like I was, forgetting myself. When she started to walk towards me, I couldn't help grinning like an idiot...she saw me, she acknowledged me...she forgave me?

She sounded tired when she said "hey". No, not tired...weary. Weary from excesses. A flower that was wilting from too much sun. I didn't like it, that bud of anxiety blossoming in my gut. I decided I wouldn't drink no more that night 'cause I didn't want to nourish it.

She asked me to walk with her, so of course I did. She led the way...I followed the scent of winter frost and gunmetal. Fuck, I'd missed that. Like I'd missed her silky tone; her catwalk model strut. I didn't know where she was takin' us and I didn't care. She could have had me walkin' over hot coals and I wouldn't have even noticed. She slowed to a stop under the pier. No one was around and my imagination started runnin' at high speed. My heart rate joined it soon after when I heard her say my name. She let the word hang between us for a moment too...I couldn't stop my mind racin' ahead.

"Fang...I'm sorry...for everything..."

"Fang... it took me a while to realise it, to admit it to myself, but I need you. I want you, Fang."

Even:

"Fang...I don't wanna talk. I just wanna fuck."

I blinked outta my blank-out when she repeated my name. I smiled gently, softer than normal because the way she was talking to me was so lovely, so delicate. I didn't want to shatter the moment – I wanted to charm those moist lips of hers and suck the words I was imaging from her mouth with my own. I wanted to do this and that and I wanted entirely too much.

If I didn't have such a remarkable capacity for self-deception, maybe I'd have realised that before what happened next; before she said what she said.

We had no future.

We never did.

She'd known all along how I felt and that was why she was ignoring me.

Nothin' I'd done over these weeks had impressed her; none of it mattered.

She was never gonna love me, because she's never gonna love anyone...not that way.

I should move on with my life, because I could make someone happy.

She was happiest alone.

She was happy without me.

Before she left me there, she let me know that she'd be transferring soon...leaving Bodhum. She said she supposed that was coming at a good time...it'd be easier on me, if she wasn't around. I didn't say anything much to that, not that I can remember...

The crunching sound of the gravel under her feet hurt my ears. Her leaving deafened me. Had it got darker since we'd been talkin'? No, we'd only been gone ten minutes.

It had only taken her ten minutes to obliterate me.

I didn't go back to the others, to the festival. Not now she'd bestowed on me this clarity that let me think straight once again. I didn't need to make no wishes because the one thing I was now set on, I could do without any help.

I was myself again.

I was in control.

My control is what brought me here, to this place, filled with everything that is her. She keeps her spare key under the welcome mat. I got her that, as a joke. I think the irony was lost on her, but it's nice that she gets some use out of it.

It's more than nice. It warms my heart. She kept something of mine.

She wipes her feet on her memories of me.

Actually...I think that makes me a little sad. But I'm not sure. I'm havin' a little trouble tellin' my feelings apart right now.

You make this all go away...

This is where she sleeps. The sheets smell like her and a little of her washing powder. She must have cleaned them not long ago. I can see the dent in the pillow on the side she prefers to sleep on. I knew it'd be the left side – it's closer to her mounted gunblades. I like the right, so that's why I'm sitting here. I could've kept Kain over there, by the chest of drawers or above those framed photographs she keeps atop it.

It's a shame that she won't keep more of my things here, with her. I think it's pain I'm feeling.

You make this all go away...

She's got ten messages unheard on her machine. I wonder how long she's been keeping them idiots waiting...how long will they wait for her? They got no chance, they don't deserve her. No one deserves Lightning.

I don't deserve her.

She flashed so brightly behind my eyes, and then she faded away.

I sinned just by thinkin' I could touch her, so she purged me of my hope.

I need silence to flush out my head. I don't want to dream no more. Dreaming...it invites destruction.

There's not much left, chaining me here, to my sorrow. But I want there to be nothing.

She always gave me nothing.

I'm down to just one thing...

Everything seems a little harder now. I wish I could stop shaking. My heart feels heavy; my eyes, my thoughts. Like this Blazefire in my hand, as I hold it, like this, against my pulse. It's sharp and cold and deadly and unforgiving – it's everything that's her.

This is her.

I'm starting to scare myself...

That's why I slide her across my skin like this – why I press into her...so lovingly. I need to feel her deep inside me...underneath my skin...splitting my lifelines...spilling my emotion. I'm drip-dropping the colour of my love like she drip-drops people at the drop of a hat.

Lightning.

Light.

Claire.

Clarity.

I walked in her sun and she showed me a side of myself I never knew I had. Her cold, cold sun...that hard, harsh light. She blinded me and I stumbled without her hand. This gift of vision is nothin' but a nightmare. A nightmare I demanded from her. She gave me exactly what I asked for...her kindest, cruellest gift to me.

You make this all go away...

You make this all go away...

I just want something...

I just want nothing! I want it back. My hope, the uncertainty, the misery and joy of wanting...

I'm so tired of wanting...I'm just...so...tired...

I wonder if she'll wake me again...wake me 'cause she misses me...

Because she realises how sorry I am - because she's sorry herself.

Because she can't be alone, not really – that's not what she wants, deep down. She wants what everyone else wants...she lies to herself every time she denies it...denies it because her life has taught her to forego what she desires. She punishes herself in her defiance of it...and sometimes, sometimes...she hates herself, because of it.

If I could've found the strength, I'd have stopped her from walkin' away from me. I'd have held her down, made her confess it...all of it...and not for me - for her.

Because this isn't about me, it's not about my love of her and it never really was. It's not about what I'd do to deserve her or what I've done because I knew I could never live up to be what she wants or needs.

It has always been about her. Her and the love I want her to have. The same feeling I got when she held me that night...amongst my ruined childhood, under the watch of a thousand ancient eyes. Some winked at me, y'know. The stars always knew it would come to this.

They always knew I'd end up here; that I'd lie down in bed with all my troubles...all but the one that needed solving the most. They knew I'd wrap myself up in her, that these sheets would soak up everything that I had left to give...that they'd become saturated with the understanding I wanted her to have. An understanding that she's never cared for. One that'll scar her memory and stain her conscience, like it does this silk.

...this silk that's soft like her hair...it's so gentle against my face as I rest my head here. It's soothing so I close my eyes...they're tired and red and refuse to stop streaming... but I think about her lying here with me and that's making me smile...

I'm smiling and I'm counting my heartbeats...I count them in sets of her favourite number. It's gettin' easier n' easier. They echo in my head...that bang of blood...it's so far away...she's...she' so far away from me...

I don't know why she's not here yet... She should be here. I want her to be...

I want this.

I want that.

...I want entirely too much.

And this...this is my crime.

I just want something I can never have.