Lyrics from Turn to Stone by Ingrid Michaelson.
Just Another Moment In Time
let's take a better look
beyond a story book
and learn our souls are all we own
before we turn to stone
'
Isabella Swan never understood what love was about, it´s concept only a delusion to her, a fantasy. A dream.
She never understood that love was not electric currents that run through your body each time you touch your beloved person, not a flutter in your chest, not goose bumps on your skin, not the eagerness to see him again, not a single dream devoted to a possible future, nothing magical or otherworldly, not the wish to sacrifice everything else if just that love remained, not the childish daydreams, no stunning moment in time.
Bella never understood that love was nothing spectacular.
Not until one rare sunny day in La Push, the muffled rush of the ocean in her ears, the soft breeze moving her long hair, salty smell and taste on her gustative nerves, phone pinned between her shoulder and cheek, a strawberry-vanilla milkshake in her left hand, the right one resting on her roundish belly, standing in the back door staring, silently.
"Bella? Are you alright?" Emily's caring, smooth voice questioned from the other end of the line, nervous and anxious, slightly louder than usual.
"Yeah, I'm fine… mind if I call you back later, Em?" Bella asked absently, her eyes still focused straight into the back yard.
"Sure… Bye."
Bella did not reply; she did not even press the button on the phone and instead simply let it drop onto the side table by the door, quickly returning her hand to her stomach, her fingers drawing tiny circles through the thin layer of red-dotted fabric.
In this moment she understands for the first time in her life what love really is and this conclusion is the ultimate answer to every question she had once had about her life. Why it was so much more difficult than it should be? Why she could not make a right decision without feeling it was wrong? All those questions that had caused her nightmares, headaches, tears and breakdowns. And here was the answer…
Kneeling on the soft, damp grass over several planks, tools, nails and screws, scattered all around him, head cocked to the side, forehead crumpled, eyebrows knitted, low murmurs flowing through his lips, inaudible to Bella from this distance.
And right there did she understand what she had always misconceived.
Love was not a flash of lighting, not a shooting star, not four-leafed clovers, no rainbows, no diamonds sparkling on the water's surface. Nothing that felt like that was really love.
Love was the most average and unspectacular feeling in the world and still the most important. Love was patience and listening. Love was like unwashed dishes and scattered laundry. Love was fighting over the last bit of tooth paste. It was the inexistence of shame. Coming to terms with characteristics and habits that strain your nerves. Accepting every single detail. Knowing every single detail by heart and still discovering more and more every single day because you live and life changes. It is warm and fuzzy. It is worth wasting and devoting time for. Love comes slowly, in progress; never just breaking through, appearing with a big bang and leaving you marked. That was not love.
And Bella understood that now as she stared at Jacob kneeling in the garden. She knew in this moment that she really truly loved Jacob Black and had never really loved someone before him. She had mistaken her emotions for love more than once, especially that one time, and that had left her scarred and marked.
But all that did not matter anymore.
It was this moment that Bella understands as she stares at Jacob because she is upset, a little furious and mad at him. Nothing about what he does pleases her. The stupid idea of building a sandbox for their unborn child that she had tried to talk out of him for a week now, the scattered tools that would be lying in the same places they did now in two weeks if she did not remove them because he was too lazy to move them back into his garage himself, the green stains on his jeans, the squashed grass where the planks where pressed onto at the moment, the sure-to-come self-praise about his achievement, the pride in his eyes the next time Embry and Quil came over, the extra portion pasta and steak she had to cook tonight…
Jacob had her pulse racing once again, his enthusiasm for their first child almost annoying after a while.
Bella was utterly upset by the situation and that was what made her understand. Because, no matter how much she wanted to storm outside and yell at her fiancé, she was content. She might be mad but she still knew that she wanted nothing more than to spent every second of her life granted her with Jacob. That he was worth all her anger and frustration.
Maybe it would end sooner than later, maybe life cancelled their plans; nobody could tell that. Life keeps going without any regard for the ones involved.
And that was what love was, also. Passing, coming and going.
In this moment loving Jacob Black meant being mad at Jacob Black and still not wanting to take her eyes off him.
There was no flash, no current, no intuition. Bella just knew she loved him, knew that she would come to terms with what he did. It was a fact that had been in her head for a long time, blossoming like the flowers he was currently abusing with his tools and planks…
And so, with a slight smile on her face, Bella walked into the small kitchen, sipping her milkshake and preparing for another evening spent feeding the man she loved.
I know that I am nothing new
there's so much more than me and you
but brother how we must atone
before we turn to stone