PERMANENT
Disclaimer: I do own Yu-Gi-Oh or this song.
Summary: A story of goodbye told from the point-of-view of Atemu. Right before he walks through the door of the Afterlife, he thinks about the girl that had captured his heart. Listen to what goes through his mind as he takes one last look at Anzu Mazaki. The song for this story is called "Permanent," by David Cook.
I had to change some of the lyrics so that they made sense with the story. The lines I changed are denoted with an asterisk (*).
"I am Atemu, Pharaoh of Egypt!" I cry out, triumphantly. I have finally earned my right to gain passage into the Afterlife. After 3000 years of waiting, of fighting, of yearning, I am finally free.
And yet…
I glance back at my friends, as the Eye of Wdjat glows in recognition of my name. Everyone who has stood with me, supported me, sacrificed for me gaze proudly back at me. I know almost nothing of the human world, of their modern ways, but I know they have given up so much of their life just to stand beside me. And for that, I will be eternally grateful.
Especially towards, her, Anzu Mazaki. Too many times had she taken the fall for me. Too many unbidden tears she had shed for me because she had been worried about me. She had been the first to see me, actually notice me, and accept me. When she knew I was not of this world, of this time, she did not back away in fear like the rest of her friends did. Even Yuugi had been fearful of me, initially. But not this girl, this dreamy girl, with high hopes and boundless faith in her friends, no. Anzu instantly took me in as one of their own. Her brilliant blue eyes had reflected warmth, reminding me of the ocean, gently caressing the shoreline.
Now, they hold storm clouds of grief.
I quickly turn away, hiding my own sadness.
I slowly walk towards the entrance, my thoughts reeling. There are so many things I want to say, to do, to feel. I know of her feelings towards me. She had put up a wall, tried to make it so that her slight touches, or gentle caress was nothing more than a gesture of friendship. But those eyes told me everything clearer than any spoken word could. However, I never spoke of it. How could I, when I knew I could not hope to stay in this world?
I hear Anzu's broken sobs and it takes every fiber of my being not to run back and hold her, stroke her hair, and tell her that everything will be okay. That is not my place. I clench my fists and continue walking. Footsteps approach and I turn around to see Anzu being held in place by Jounouchi's steady hand on her shoulder.
I gaze, longingly into her eyes, as she looks me. She doesn't tell me to stay, she doesn't have to. Her eyes, to this day, still tell me everything that's in her heart.
Is this the moment where I look you in the eye?
Forgive my broken promise that you'll never see me cry.
I break away from her heartbreaking stare but I can still see her from the corner of my eye. Even in tears, she is beautiful. I wish I can say something, anything, just to make the tears stop. She's cried so much already, she doesn't deserve any more sadness. I swore to myself that I would always keep her safe and smiling for as long as I was able. And now…
How ironic that the man who had promised to keep her happy is now the source of her misery.
And everything,
It will surely change
Even if I tell you I won't go away today.
But I know that I must do this. I do not belong here. I am a Pharaoh, long overdue for my rightful rest. Even if I could stay, there would always be some part of me that would be yearning for what must be. Anzu, and everyone else, had already given up so much for my sake. All of this--retrieving my memories, the Ceremonial Duel, saving the world--wouldn't even be possible without them. If I stay, they will never stop sacrificing. I couldn't ask that of them.
Will you think that you're all alone
When no one's there to hold your hand?
I take a sidelong glance at her. I could already see that she'll wander, lost without me, even as her friends stand beside her. Her hand will twitch as she finds that no one is there to intertwine his fingers with hers. I can see her blue eyes fade to the color of darkened skies as she looks to find me but will see no one.
I know this because it will happen to me, too.
Forever engraved in my memory will be her.
Forever engraved on my heart will be what I will never have.
And all you know seems so far away,
And everything is temporary,
Anzu, please take heart that I will always be watching you from the heavens. Know that I will be closer than you think. I am inside you, just as you were with me during my tribulations. You have cheered me on for as long as I can remember, standing fast to protect me.
Rest your head,
I'm permanent.
I will be your silent pillar of strength, holding onto you, even though all you want to do is let go. I'll be here.
I know she'll be living in hell*
Every single day…
Anzu is one of those people who takes things to heart, good or bad. I remember how introspective she was on our "date" Yuugi had set us up on. I never expected her to be so understanding and insightful.
I know she'll be hit hard with my departure. I manage to catch her gaze once again.
My heart nearly stops.
She has stopped crying but her eyes reflect a heartrending resignation as she realizes the necessity of it all.
And so I ask, oh God,
Is there some way for me to take her place?*
But that doesn't stop me from wanting to take the pain away from her. I wish, fervently, that there were some way I can make this easier for her. If I can somehow take her pain and fuse it with my own, I would do it.
And when they say it's all touch and go,
I wish I could make it go away.
I know Jounouchi, Honda, and Yuugi will try to comfort her, tell her it's going to be alright, that we did the right thing. But I know Anzu. She'll put on one her bright smiles and reassure them that she's okay. She'll ruffle Yuugi's hair, slap Jounouchi's arm, elbow Honda. She'll tell them to take it one day at a time, while, pointedly, looking at Yuugi.
And I know that with every word of comfort she speaks, her heart will fragment into millions of pieces because she knows it'll take more than pretty words to make the pain go away.
I know this because my heart is already in millions of pieces.
But still I say,*
Will you think that you're all alone
When no one's there to hold your hand?
My dear Anzu… I had found someone to love, to care for, to give my heart to, 3000 years after my death. I am sorry that I have to leave you with this pain. I look at our friends, smiling at me, encouraging me on. I smile in return, knowing Anzu will be in good hands.
No, she won't be alone. The others will see to that.
When all you know seems so far away,
And everything is temporary,
I turn away again and continue my way into the light, so soft and inviting this time. I think of Anzu's own warmth, how she had smiled at me when we had formally met.
This is goodbye, Anzu, but I know we'll meet again.
Until then…
Rest your head
I'm permanent.
I'll always be watching over you.
I'm permanent.
I give them a thumbs up, sneaking another glance at her. I can feel my heart flutter as I see her smiling back at me. My breath hitches at my throat as I can feel the tears well up in my eyes.
Is the moment where I look you in the eye?
Forgive my promise that you'll never see me cry...
I walk through the door and I see the land of the Afterlife slowly materializing in front of me. I can see my family waving frantically at me. I turn around and as the door start to close and my friends disappear, I mouth three words to the one girl who will always hold my heart.
"I love you."
This fic is dedicated to all my readers and faithful reviewers. I haven't given up on writing. But… life happens, I guess. Everyone goes through setbacks so I guess it's my turn.
This is also specially dedicated to Atem's Sister Atea and the community she invited me to.
Thank you.