Disclaimer: I don't own Love Hina. Because if I did I would make sure that abomination of an anime never existed!
Courtship Rituals
Chapter 1: Intimate Unmentionables
By Irritus185
This is a story of adventure, love, and shotgun engagements,
And like any story that features forced wedlock, it begins with a misunderstanding.
There once was a pair of panties. For the sake of the narrative, he shall be referred to as Fred. As to why a female undergarment is referred to by a male label, it can simply be explained as thus – who else would love to be planted against a female's bottom more than a guy?
Also for the sake of the narrative, please do not ponder too much on the rationalization.
Now Fred was nearly indistinguishable from any of the other pairs of underwear – he was made of cotton, was dyed in a pleasant light teal color with a red bow on the front, bought on sale at a local clothing store, and was owned by a young girl. Perhaps the only thing unique about Fred was that his owner had less modesty than other girls and was prone to unintentionally flashing him at people via high-rise launching kicks.
But the one thing that Fred would unleash onto the world, the one thing that Fred would be known by all panty-kind for, was the fact that Fred was a revolutionary. Fred thought outside the box, he did not obey the laws that had been passed down from panty to panty since the beginning of time.
No, Fred was special.
For Fred was the first pair of panties to purposefully don himself on the top of the human body, rather than the bottom. And because of this, paved the road for the great Harem Master himself (though to this day he still denies the title and constantly reiterates his innocence in the matter despite his crew of very adoring, appealing wives convincing him he is on a daily – sometimes hourly – basis.)
So thus it was written – a kingdom was created because of an errant undergarment.
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It was like any other day for Fred. He had been worn, discarded, and prepped for his ritualistic washing cycle. Lounging on a pile of his kin inside a basket, he waited for his ultimate drop in the machine that would refresh him for another day of bottom protection. However, something different was heading for Fred, something that would brand him as a major turning point in panty history.
The 'thing' that was heading for Fred was actually a terrified-out-of-its-mind human ballistic missile. Unable to perceive its trajectory due to a lack of corrective lenses, the missile crashed into the basket, jostling it out of his master's hands, and flinging both him and his brethren and collective relatives every which way.
It was then, while Fred found himself floating in the air, awaiting his inevitable fall to the floor, that an idea struck him. Well, actually, first a head hit him, then the idea. But it was from the head that the idea was born.
Why should he lower himself to just carry on his life on a person's lower extremities? Why not on the upper ones as well? He had a perfect perch to start his regime, so why not now?
With that thought firmly lodged in his mind, he latched onto the person's head, pulling himself down in such a fashion that he would not be accidentally extricated. With a triumphant flap, he was ready.
And so, it had begun.
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Su fell backwards as the person crashed into her, dumping the pile of dirty laundry on them. She spun deftly on the heels of her feet, her lithe musculature making it easy. However, what awaited her was a sight that almost made her slip off her feet entirely in awed shock.
It couldn't be, could it? The person didn't even make a hasty apology, instead dashing out of the changing room as quickly as he could while her inmates jumped into their clothes to give chase. Su just stood there, her mouth slightly agape.
She hadn't just seen what she thought she saw, right? If so…it was like something out of one of those fairytale books Shinobu was always embarrassed to be caught reading. She knew that by coming to a foreign country, magical things could happen. Not the literal magic that her homeland was steeped in, but rather…rather…
But if she was had truly seen it, and it wasn't some delusion brought on by her rare bouts of fantasy, then that would mean…She quickly followed after the mob.
After a small run through most of the inn, she, along with the target and her friends, found herself on the roof of the inn. The man they were after was trapped in a corner, clutching a towel to his otherwise nude form and the object of her fantasies strapped to his head. The boy was stuttering something about visiting his grandmother, but Su couldn't care less about that, so enraptured was she by the possibility of what he intended to do.
And with that in mind, she took her first step forward into a brand new world.
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Naru, her face red with a mixture of embarrassment, shame, and anger, raised a fist in aggression at the male who dared to peep on her in the spring. Her mind had thankfully erased the fact that she was the one to offer such a view in the first place, but that could be accepted due to the man's ensuing crimes of groping, panty-stealing, flashing, and all-around lechery.
"You…you…How dare you think yourself innocent?"
"Wahh!" Keitaro covered his arms over his head, foregoing holding up his modesty in turn to instead protect his noggin. "I'm sorry! It just sort of happened! I don't know what I was thinking!"
"How could not know!" she roared. "Are you…" She trailed off when a headful of blonde hair stepped dazedly in front of her. "…Su?"
Su's face was oddly red, a subdued contrast to her tanned skin. Her eyes were strangely glazed over, and there was a dreamy smile on her face that Naru had never seen before, not even when the foreigner had discovered banana-crepes. Her steps were shaky at best. For all intent purposes, it looked like she had suddenly suffered from an instant flu, since there had been nothing wrong with her even an hour ago.
"Su, what are you..?"
"Is…is it true?" Su's voice was shaky, uncertain – completely unlike her usual energetic, confident self.
"Eh?" Keitaro didn't know what the tanned teen was talking about, but at least she didn't look like she was about to pummel him.
"Did you really mean what you said?" She looked almost…vulnerable. "That it just happened? That you didn't know why you did it, but you couldn't help it?"
Keitaro unexpectedly found a lifesaver thrown out to him in a sea of potential pain. Not even paying attention to how the question was worded, only that it could possibly get him out, he latched onto it with a fervor that set Su's nerves on fire.
"Yes! Yes! It just happened! I didn't mean to be crass or rude or perverted or anything! I just thought…I don't know what I thought! I'm sorry if I caused any trouble!" He bowed quickly, hoping against all hope that it would work.
"You… you…" Keitaro looked up and immediately paled. The redhead was, if it was possible, even more pissed off than before, the girl in kendo garb was setting her bokken into a stance, and the foreigner was looking down, her eyes shadowed by her hair. The fox-faced girl and the azurehead were just standing off to the side. Naru clenched her fists tighter, the white knuckles popping with strain. "You even admit to it…"
With that she and the kendo girl stepped towards him, clear-cut brutality promised in their eyes. Keitaro whimpered at the definite beat-down about to commence.
It was all halted, however, when Su looked up, her eyes shining with tears. With one quick, almost unseen movement, she jumped at the man, her arms outstretched. Out of her mouth sprung a melody that sounded like angels singing mixed in with nails on a chalkboard. " ≤ !"
"What the-hmmph!" Keitaro was refused a rebuttal as his mouth was currently ravaged by eighty pounds of affectionate, tropical girl. With her arms and legs pinning his own appendages to the side, he had no way of regaining his balance from the momentum of the propelled female.
He took two steps back, leaned on the railing, heard it groan as years of wood-rot and disrepair finally wreaked havoc, and crashed right through, plummeting into the hot springs below. The entire time, the cavern of his mouth was not once relinquished by the foreigner's probing tongue.
The other girls stood in what could only be described as 'shell-shocked disbelief.' They didn't even move when the acting-housemother made her way up and surveyed the damage caused.
Haruka chewed on the end of her cigarette. "Anyone wanna tell me what the hell just happened?"
They looked at each other then back at Haruka. Her left eyebrow twitched.
"God damnit."
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Slowly, awareness dawned on Keitaro. Opening his eyes, he found himself lying down in the main lobby of the Hinata-sou. His mind still focused on his last moments awake, he dreamily put his fingers on his lips. Was what happened real? Had he really just been assaulted and molested by some crazed foreigner?
He was interrupted by a dully amused voice, low enough it was almost baritone. "So, looks like you finally woke up, huh, nephew?"
A quick survey of his surroundings revealed his cousin-turned-aunt. "A-Aunt Haruka? What am I-?"
"Suami, you're awake!" Keitaro's head was forced back down, and he discovered that same crazed tanned girl right above him, staring into his eyes. He didn't even have time to react before the Hoover descended on him and sealed his lips.
After a minute or so of flailing limbs, Keitaro's body finally went limp. Su detached herself from the older boy and licked her lips, a pleased gleam in her eyes. "Suami's such a good kisser. I just wish he wasn't so passive."
Haruka slapped her forehead. "Crap, Su. How many times are you going to do that?"
She grinned. "As many times as I want. He's my darling suami, so I have the complete right to."
"Could you at least wait till you explain what's going on?"
She crossed her arms, closed her eyes, stuck her tongue out, and pondered. After a short while, she opened her eyes again and nodded. "Alright, but then it's back to snogging!"
Haruka had to resist whipping out her halisen. It was one thing to hit her unlucky (and he had to be truly unlucky for this to happen) nephew, another to smack a tenant of her grandmother's inn, and yet another thing completely to clap a member of royalty upside the head.
Especially since that red dot had crept up to her forehead ever since she started tapping her fan on her leg. She was just glad she had managed to herd the other girls into a different room and make them promise they wouldn't interrupt. Her eye roved over to the thin door a few meters to her right. Already it was straining with what was undoubtedly her wary wards.
Keitaro finally woke up again, but this time he instantly leapt from his position of lying on Su's lap to a new one of plastering himself on the wall. "Wh-what the hell is going on?" he squawked out. "Aunt Haruka, tell me!"
She sighed. "Look, Keitaro, just calm down and-"
"How can I calm down?" Keitaro squeaked. "I come to grandma's inn to try and find a place to study, and instead I find nothing but girls exposing themselves and trying to kill me! And now this one," he pointed at Su who was grinning cheekily, "is suddenly making out with me? What the hell?"
"Keitaro, unless you calm down, I'm going to have to make you calm down, and we don't want that to happen, now do we?"
Keitaro froze at Haruka's expression. Distantly he recalled when they were younger and she had given him the same ultimatum and look. It…wasn't life-threatening…but it wasn't pleasant either. Gulping loudly, he nodded his head, bit his lips, and waited.
Seeing that her younger cousin had managed to calm down somewhat, Haruka heaved an internal sigh. Now if only she could explain the circumstances without having an aneurysm in the process.
It was going to take a lot of cigarettes and alcohol to get her over this incident.
She gestured at Su. "This girl is Kaolla Su, a tenant at grandma's inn." She chose not to mention the inn's conversion into a girls' dormitory, for she feared that with what was coming already, it would be enough to bypass Keitaro's apparent immortality and send him to a premature grave via massive, consecutive heart attacks. "And she's…well, she's…" Haruka failed to come up with an easy way of saying it.
Su, however, succeeded. Quite succinctly, too. "We're married, suami!"
Time stopped. Keitaro's jaw whined as it moved up and down, gears scratching against each other. "…what?"
Oblivious to the situation, Su reiterated herself. "Uh-huh! We're husband and wife! Isn't that wonderful?"
"…what?"
Haruka sighed and took a puff. "Su is the princess of the royal family of Molmol, a small island a couple hundred miles southwest of Japan. To allow her entry to Japan as a part of her study-abroad program, grandma agreed to have the inn turned into an official Molmolian embassy. What that means is we're technically on foreign soil, so any laws, customs, and rules that they have apply here."
When explained to the other members of Hinata-sou, it clarified a lot of things. Such as Su's capabilities in creating technology far ahead of the curve in Japan without having to refer to any particular zoning laws – like the rule of thumb on carrying nuclear reactors. Or Motoko being able to carry swords in plain sight despite the blade-banning act running all the way back to the Meiji-era. Or simply just the usual chaotic going-ons at the inn.
Diplomatic immunity was the only barrier preventing each and every one of them from being sent to the big house or funny farm or even child services.
Loopholes in the law are a wonderful thing, aren't they?
Keitaro didn't take to well to this benefit.
"Bu-bu-bu-but how did I get married to her? I didn't propose to her or anything!"
"Of course you did, suami!" Keitaro twitched once, twice, then turned to face her. Su smiled. "You proposed in the formal way of Molmol, by wearing the underwear of your lover upon your head like a crown."
Thought processes grinding to a halt, Keitaro's hands reached shakily for his brow. He carefully removed the fabric from his head and looked at it. Fred – though Keitaro didn't know him by his given name – looked back up at him in all his cotton glory. A small trickle of blood weaved its way out of Keitaro's nostril. His voice was shaky as he spoke up again. "Bu-but, isn't that kind of dangerous? Can't just anyone accidentally get some on their head?"
"Well, it's not that easy. The underwear…" Here, Su's face grew a rosy red, she averted her gaze and started to poke her fingers together. Keitaro felt the bottom of his stomach fall out from underneath itself. "The underwear has to be freshly worn, too."
The trickle became a geyser and Keitaro was hurled backwards by the pressure. Su squealed girlishly and held her cheeks in her hands. Haruka watched with a grim look on her face. Bad enough that Keitaro was stuck in this kind of situation, but the way that Su was acting was beginning to really creep her out. It was like seeing a snow leopard launch itself at you, give a sniff, and then suddenly declare it had gone vegetarian because it couldn't stand the sight of blood.
It was weird.
Su giggled, unaware of the havoc she was wreaking. "It's so romantic. I thought that if I went to a new country I might get a cool husband, but to be proposed to like back in my homeland, it's…it's…Kyah! ≤ !"
Keitaro was shaken to his core. He was married? To a girl he had never met before? But what about Tokyo University? What about the promised girl? Was he really just going to sit back and be taken by an adorably exotic girl with oodles of money, power, and future sex appeal?
A part in the back of Keitaro's mind wondered why the hell he didn't just accept the offer. What was he, gay?
It was suitably flayed and left for the buzzards.
Picking himself up from the coagulating pool of his own blood, he wiped an arm across his nose. "But we don't even know anything about each other. How can-"
"My name is Kaolla Su, daughter of Mamba Su, third ruler of the Su dynasty of the Imperial Kingdom of Molmol. My likes are bananas, spicy foods, creating weapons of mass destruction, and of course my new, dear suami. My dislikes are boring people, having to follow the rules of the Geneva Convention, and pomegranates. My dream is to have six and a half children and rule the entire eastern hemisphere. I was born January 11th, 1985. I'm currently thirteen years old, and my three sizes are-"
"Okay, okay, I get it!" Keitaro interrupted, his face even redder than before. Then something she said popped into place. "Wait, you're thirteen?"
"Uh-huh," she said. "But don't worry. Thirteen is the age of consent for my country, so you're not breaking any laws."
"But that doesn't mean we should get married!"
Between blinking, Keitaro found Su in his face. Her lips were in an irresistible pout, her eyes watery, ready to burst, her arms on either side of his chest. "Why, suami? Don't you like me?"
"It's not that I don't like you, it's that-"
"Then do you hate me?"
The reasoning centers of his brain fritzed out as a massive amount of cute-pouting-girl fried his circuits and caused his tongue to go a-waggling. "No! I couldn't possibly hate-!"
The sad look on her face was immediately dropped for a beaming one. Keitaro's brain short-circuited even further, leaving him a drooling, deluded mess. "Then we have no problems!" Su crowed. She pecked Keitaro lightly on the lips before standing up and whipping an arm out, her whishing schoolgirl outfit giving a tantalizing view to the collapsed two-time ronin. "Raulla!"
The door to the room slammed open, and the plethora of Hinata-sou's tenants came tumbling inside into a dogpile. Standing above them was a tall woman of the same ethnicity as Su, her raven-black hair tied in dreadlocks, matching her sharp three-piece suit and a 9-mm gun slung just to the left of her ribs.
"Ma'am," she asked, in that similar oxymoronic-melodic language as her mistress.
Su grinned. "This is Raulla, head of my personal royal bodyguards. As soon I received your proposal, I sent for her so that we could hold the official ceremony at home." She waved at the Hinata crew. "Hi, guys!"
Shinobu balled her hands near her mouth, her eyes all teary and starstruck. "Uwaaa…I can't believe Su's a real princess! And she's getting married to her own prince!" Haruka blanched at the concept of someone calling her cousin a 'prince.' Well, technically she supposed he was a prince now, since he was married to a honest-to-goodness princess.
Kitsune framed her chin with her thumb and index finger. "Here I thought I was good at catching guys, and Su went and got herself a husband." She clasped a hand on Su's shoulder. "You've totally surpassed my expectations, kiddo."
Motoko clutched at her katana, this time a real one. Her mouth was a strained neutral line, the corners of her lips trembling every so often. "As much as this pains me to say it, I'm happy for you, Su. Even though this man is an obvious swine, it's your decision to make."
Su was overtly relieved by Motoko's acceptance. She was afraid the kendo girl would show the most resistance, and even though it took Haruka threatening to evict the girl to prevent her from attacking Keitaro while he was unconscious, she was restraining herself quite well. "Aw, thanks, Motokos."
"However." Keitaro felt the prickle of repeatedly-folded steel against his throat. He began to sweat at the savage look on the taller girl's face. "If I find out that you harm one hair on Su's head, or do anything to displease her, know that my blade will be the last thing you will ever see."
Keitaro didn't nod, gulp, or say a word. He just blinked repeatedly. Motoko took this as a sign of comprehension and removed the blade from its perilous position.
Naru wasn't accepting the current events in such good graces. "Are you serious?" she shouted, catching everyone's attention. "You're just going to marry some random stranger? Who knows what he's like! Doesn't anyone here have any common sense at all?"
Someone patted her on the shoulder. She turned to see Haruka shaking her head. "Trust me on this, Naru." A wry smile split on her face before disappearing. "Just learn to accept some things without thinking about it too much. It'll be easier on your sanity.
"And on that note!" Su swept around again. "Raulla, bring about the royal airship and prep for launch! We have a wedding to prepare!"
"As you wish, your highness." Raulla retrieved a walky-talky from her suit and spoke into it. "Lower the Amallan Kaollan. The princess and her newly-minted husband will be boarding."
The walky-talky crackled back. "Roger."
The sound of turbine engines roared through the air. The windows banged back and forth and shadows danced around the room as something huge descended just outside the inn. But even amongst all this action, Keitaro still tried to make one small break.
"Now listen! I can't just-!"
"Raulla."
The lady phased out of existence before appearing right next to Keitaro. She pulled out what looked like a syringe loaded onto a gun and jammed it into Keitaro's neck. Whatever was injected had to be a powerful sedative, for the boy felt all his strength sapped away and darkness claimed him within a matter of seconds. There also must have been a mild hallucinogenic mixed in as well for he kept muttering something about jello monkeys and pink snowmen. He fell limply to the floor, a mass of drool draining from his mouth. Raulla threw him over her shoulder in a fireman's carry and gave the thumbs-up to her mistress.
Su returned the gesture and grinned. Turning to her innmates, she said. "I'll see yas in a week when the actual ceremony takes place, but for now I gotsa take my hubby to meet his new in-laws." She swirled on her bare feet, set her jaw, and threw out a hand.
The door burst inward, revealing a massive blimp with the insignia of the royal family – the mysterious trinity of eyes.
"To Molmol!"
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Groggily, Keitaro woke back up to the real world. His head was splitting, and he grimaced in pain as the light from outside shot through his eyes like a needle. Damn, if this was one hell of a hangover, he wanted to know what caused it.
The memories trickled back to him.
Oh, wait, he'd done no drinking yet, but that wouldn't stop him from hunting down alcohol as soon as possible.
Keitaro shot up then groaned as the quick movement banged around the inside of his skull. He decided that it would be better to take in his surroundings before he tried anything else, or at the very least find some aspirin.
He was on what had to be one of the gaudiest beds he had ever seen, even more so than those he'd heard about in love hotels. It was a four-poster with thick satin curtains with a translucent inner layer, heart-shaped pillows, and a mattress soft enough that it felt like sleeping on a cloud. Keitaro actually had to struggle to gain enough leverage to get to the edge of the bed. He heaved a sigh of relief.
The rest of the room, while not as tasteless, was certainly just as extreme. It had a jungle motif, with what he could only assume were real trees and plants from the rainforest, a small pool that closely resembled – both in size and depth – the hot springs back at Hinata-sou, as well as…
"Is that a monkey?"
The small simian hung upside-down from the bough of a banana tree. "Ook?" It stared at him intently, and Keitaro swallowed nervously at the quickly deteriorating expression on its face. Then it all went wrong. "Ook eek!"
"Gahh!"
He fell back as the monkey launched itself at his face. He couldn't do anything as it wrapped arms, legs, and its prehensile tail around him in a vice-like grip, refusing to budge.
The scratching soon commenced…and it was painful.
"Paru!"
The monkey stopped its assault at the voice and detached itself from Keitaro, leaping away. Keitaro sat up anxiously, his face a mess of scratches, wondering what calamities would befall him next. The sight that awaited him was a surprisingly pleasant one.
Su had changed into clothes more suited to her land of origin. What accounted to a halter top and bikini briefs was wrapped in a light toga equivalent. She had bangles and anklets of various precious metals jingling merrily against one another. A golden necklace hung close to her throat, inscribed with three staring eyes arranged in a triangle.
Su lightly scratched the monkey under its chin, and it chattered contently on her shoulder. She smiled. "I'm sorry for Paru's behavior, suami. She's not accustomed to strangers in my bedroom." She kneeled down, and Paru jumped, nodded its head once, and ran back to its perch in the banana tree.
"Bed-bed-bedroom?" Keitaro stuttered. Sure he assumed he was in a bedroom, but Su's? No, wait, that was stupid; he meant he was in Su's? Su's?
Su's?
The princess grinned cheekily and jumped at the boy, knocking him over and pinning him to the bed. "Yup, mine, suami." She rubbed her cheek against his, and Keitaro fought and failed to push down the blush spreading across his face. "Ahh…your cheeks are so soft, suami, just like a girl's." She took a whiff, her nose buried in his hair. "And your hair smells soooo good."
Keitaro blanched. "Okay, that was weird." He slapped a hand over his mouth when he realized he said that out loud.
Su shrugged and settled down onto his chest. "Maybe, but you're mine now, so I can be weird with you as much as I want."
Keitaro inhaled deeply, held it for a few seconds, and then let it out. "Uh-huh." It was probably the remains of whatever had knocked him out, in addition to causing his splitting migraine, that was making him a lot calmer than he would usually be in such a situation. Still, that didn't mean he wasn't anxious beyond belief. He tried to look anywhere else than the petite girl sprawled on top of him. "So…where the heck are we?"
Su sat up, settling her weight uncomfortably close to his naughty bits. "We're on the flagship of Molmol's royal air fleet, the Amallan Kaollan!"
"We're on an airship?"
"Uh-huh!" she chirped, bouncing up and down.
Something awakened and Keitaro frantically tried to shut it down. She's thirteen, Keitaro! Thirteen! Legal in her country but not in yours! She's jailbait! Jailbait!
But she's tasty jailbait. Unbidden the looks of her blossoming curves came to mind as well as the sensation of her bare flesh against his.
Shut up, you!
Seriously, are you gay?
And then it was flayed a second time.
Su missed the rising show of conflicting emotions in Keitaro's expression and continued bouncing. Her new husband was so cute! Then, on their wedding night, they could play all night long!
She wondered if he was any good at Street Destroyer Combat XII?
She was promptly ejected from her questionable daydreams when Keitaro shot up with a roar, throwing her onto the bed. She grinned lecherously and brought up a phrase she had heard Kitsune jokingly use from time to time. "My, suami, you're so rough! Are you going to have your way with innocent me?" She had no idea what it alluded to, but the reactions it gained were hilarious.
Keitaro did not disappoint her. "No!"
Giving a mental shrug, she asked, "Then what is it?"
Keitaro huffed and puffed heavily. He looked at Su, the playful expression on her face and sighed. "Er, Su?"
"Yes?"
"Why did you accept my, er, 'proposal?'"
She crossed her eyes and stuck out her tongue. "Hmm…I guess…because you look a bit like my older brother? Oh, and because it was the first time anyone's ever proposed to me, so I was really excited."
Keitaro screamed inwardly for the oh-so-very childish reason. "And what if this doesn't work out?"
"Oh, that's not a problem. Molmolians marry for life. We only have widows or widowers, no divorcees."
Su jumped up from the bed and grabbed his arm. "Buutt…before we even worry about that, you still have to meet my family!"
"…family?"
"Mmm! You have to get to know your in-laws, after all!"
"…in-laws?"
He died a little inside.
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By the time they landed, Keitaro's headache disappeared, but it was replaced by a deep sinking feeling that he was walking to his own funeral. He had just met Su, was married to her within not even ten seconds of their initial meeting, and now was going to meet her parents? This…this…
He wondered if it was a social faux pas to run screaming at the top of his lungs instead of saying hello. Surely they couldn't begrudge that minor mental breakdown in light of what he was going through?
Right, that sounded like the perfect plan. Greetings, then extremely vocal escape.
Su had climbed onto his shoulder during the wait for the docking procedures to finish. He didn't know how, but his wiry frame managed to hold her up fairly easily. It was like he had a large bird on his shoulders rather than a pubescent girl.
He snapped to attention as the hydraulics hissed, the blimp settled carefully down, and door swung open. What awaited them was an entire entourage of women dressed in the same fashion as Su's bodyguards. In the front was a tall women, even taller than Raulla had been. Her long, blonde, and unrestrained hair reached down to just below her waist. What looked like an officer badge, complete with the same trinity-eye symbol and red and gold stripes, was pinned on her suit, right above the heart. She barked out an order to the gathered women, and they all responded with a sharp salute.
Su's grin grew wider, and she rocked wildly on Keitaro's shoulders. "Mama!"
"…mama?" Keitaro squeaked.
The woman swept up to the married couple, her steps crisp and without waste. Keitaro noted that her face was sharp and angular, her eyes clear like a hawk's. He gulped when she stopped right in front of them, but then suddenly, the harshness of her expression melted as she looked upon Su. One hand reached over and ruffled the teen's hair. She said something, but Keitaro couldn't understand what. Su responded in turn, and the woman smiled and nodded before looking down at Keitaro.
"I welcome you, son-in-law," she said, her Japanese heavily accented. "I trust your journey here was a pleasant one?"
Keitaro tried not to swallow his tongue. "Umm…y-yes, thank you."
She nodded. "I am Mana Su, commander of the royal family's secret service and mother of Kaolla. I hope your stay here will be enjoyable, and I also congratulate you on your marriage. Now, if you'll follow me, my subordinates will usher you into the palace."
She then dropped her head, her amber eyes darkening, and whispered into Keitaro's ear. The clean yet inviting tone from before froze into something more poisonous and promising. "Though my daughter seems happy now, know this – if you do anything to bring harm to her or cause her to shed one tear, I will hunt you to the ends of the earth and make you suffer through a thousand hells before granting you death's embrace."
Keitaro could do naught but whimper. Su curiously tilted her head at her husband's tensing, but shrugged it off and dragged him into the limousine awaiting them. Mana shut the door behind them, but not before shooting a venomous smile at Keitaro. He whimpered again.
"Your mom…"
"Hmm? Mama?" Su looked up from rummaging in the small fridge. "Oh yeah, she can be kind of scary sometimes. She's an expert with all kinds of firearms and knows about a dozen different fighting styles. Before she married papa and had me, she was some sort of infamous assassin." She giggled. "In fact, that's how they met! She was hired to kill him before he ascended to the throne in some kind of conspiracy to usurp the kingdom, but papa was so nice to her and just wouldn't die no matter how hard she tried, so she cancelled her contract and married him."
Well, actually she'd kidnapped the soon-to-be-king and rode him again and again to relieve all of her frustration, but by the time she had returned him, Mana had calmed down considerably and all was resolved nicely. But that was something the young princess did not need to hear, so it was thankfully omitted from the fairytale.
Keitaro laughed quietly, desperation lacing his every chuckle. Oh god, he knew it. He was going to die. That's all there was to it.
Su blinked at Keitaro's laughing and settled into his lap, snuggling for warmth. Keitaro did not even notice.
The trip took less than an hour, and soon the couple found themselves outside the palace. Keitaro had put aside writing a mental will, stating that he cursed every being in the world who had ever met him and a few others who hadn't for sending him into such a hell, to gawk at the majestic architecture. It looked like someone had crossed the Taj Mahal with a Las Vegas casino and then added in some Arabian Nights for flavor, but had somehow managed to pull it off with an artistic flair that worked.
The limo slowed to a stop, and Su dragged Keitaro out by the arm, pulling down a corridor of bowing servants. When they arrived at what he could only assume was the throne room, he stopped at the sight of what awaited him.
Perhaps what he could only describe as one of the most beautiful women alive sat in one of the thrones. Shortly cropped hair as white as snow, and dressed in what looked to be a belly-dancer outfit, her voluptuous caramel curves were bared for all to see. Keitaro began to sweat with what he hoped was nervousness as the women danced down the steps.
"Kaolla!" she cried, her perfect Japanese surprising Keitaro, as she swallowed the smaller girl in a hug. "It's so wonderful to see you!" She turned to Keitaro, her smoldering eyes making him gulp for the god-knows-how-many-times that day. "And this must be your new husband…" She grabbed his hands, purring. "It's a pleasure to me you, Mr…"
"Kei-Keitaro," he stuttered. "Keitaro Urashima."
"Keitaro…" He shivered at the absolute wonton desire in her voice. "What a delightfully…manly name."
Su puffed out her cheeks. "Don't even try it, Rubah-mama. He's mine."
The woman tittered playfully. "Oh, don't worry, Kaolla. I wouldn't dream of stealing your husband away. I can only imagine what Mana would do to me if I did." Her voice lowered. "She's so forceful, you know."
Su looked around. "Where's papa?"
"That silly man? Probably slaving away on another one of his experiments." She whispered conspiratorially, though Keitaro knew she was most likely doing it for his benefit since she was still speaking in Japanese. "Honestly, the days he spends locked up in that lab of his. It's almost like he doesn't have any time for his cute wives anymore."
Keitaro blinked. "Wives?" He had heard Su refer to two women as mama, but between Mana's threat and Rubah's overt flirtations, he hadn't connected the two till now.
Rubah grinned, and for the first time Keitaro noticed that her incisors were a bit longer than normal, giving her a rather canine and predatory appearance. "Why, didn't you know? Polygamy is not only allowed but encouraged in the royal family."
"…what?"
"It's to make sure that there's a suitable heir for the throne."
Keitaro felt his voice get stuck in the back of his throat. Su looked at him, her eyes wondering what was wrong, while Rubah was simply grinning even more lasciviously than before. Luckily for him, Keitaro didn't have a chance to make even a bigger fool of himself, for the wall across from them exploded, sending debris and furniture everywhere.
Unluckily for him, it just landed him in another foolish position.
Keitaro dizzily felt around from where he'd been thrown, but froze when his hand latched onto something that was larger than his hand with a distinctive marshmallow feel. Keitaro slowly looked up, his face ripe with anxiety. He wasn't disappointed.
"Why, Keitaro, I didn't realize you felt so strongly for me." Rubah gazed at the lad, her tone smoky. "Really, we just met, and you're my son-in-law. It's so…taboo." Keitaro envisioned being beheaded publicly, but not before being handed off to Mana. Oh, why did his life suck so?
"Rubah-mama! What did I tell you?" Su yanked Keitaro off the playful seductress, clinging to him possessively. "Hands off my suami!"
"Aww, I was just having some fun…"
"Mine!"
The catfight was interrupted by someone violently coughing. Through the smoke and dust, Keitaro could make out a large figure. As the particles cleared out, he got a better view. The person was a heavy-set man, broad-shoulder with a lightly-unshaven beard and looking to be in his mid-to-late forties. He was donned in work overalls and shirt, both of which were burned and oil-stained all over the place. A small pair of goggles rested over his eyes, and when he removed them, they were outlined with a dark border of soot.
Su's face erupted into a full-blown smile. "Papa!"
The man looked around, saw the trio and gave a wave. He was about to say something when a piercing screech resounded through the hall.
"Maaaammmmbaaaaaa!"
The entire structure of the palace quaked with the roar, and what few pieces that hadn't been knocked to the ground from the explosion fell victim to its wrath. The king of Molmol grinned sheepishly as another woman marched into the hall, slamming the double doors open with a strength belied by her small stature.
Pigtails that looped back to where they started bounced as her bosom heaved with every step. The brunette beauty stomped to Mamba, each foot producing its own little gale as the leather sandals slapped on the ceramic floor. When she reach him, she grabbed the man by the scruff of his neck, lifting him a few inches off the ground, even though he was taller than her by a good half-foot or so, and began shaking him, screaming in her native tongue.
Though it was a foreign language, Keitaro knew a reaming when he heard it, especially since the woman was sprinkling a liberal amount of Japanese and English slurs and obscenities into the mix.
When she was done, she dropped the king to his knees and backhanded him. He went down without a sound. She turned to the trio, and Keitaro forced himself not to run. Suddenly an amiable smile spread across her face, and her eyes narrowed until she was looking at them through heavy-lidded eyes. She curtsied.
"Hello, Kaolla." She too was speaking in perfect Japanese, though her tone had a more proper, regal tone to it than Rubah's easygoing drawl. "It's so nice to see you again. And you must be Urashima-san. A pleasure. I am Queen Asoka." She extended a hand, the back of it facing up, like she expected him to kiss it.
Keitaro reached out to hold it, paused, and gave her hand a hesitant shake. "Umm, nice to meet you, Asoka-san." Something flashed through her face, and Keitaro had the instinct impression he had just failed some secret test.
Asoka pulled her hands back into her flowing robes. "I have read the report on you, Urashima-san, and I must admit I am a bit…" She pursed her lips, searching for the appropriate term. "Surprised that Su agreed to this marriage. You are currently unemployed and a repeater for your country's college entrance exam, correct?"
Keitaro felt like she had just stabbed him with a large, serrated knife. And then she twisted it. "By what means did you feel you were a proper match for Kaolla?"
Great, so not only was he forced into a marriage with some crazed islander cutie, now he had her step-half (how the hell did he describe this kind of relationship?) mother grousing that he wasn't good enough? For kami's sake, he just wanted to get into college! Keitaro's lack of self-esteem and confidence had enough problems with just him trampling all over it; it didn't need some haughty queen to do so as well.
He was saved when Mamba appeared next to them, looping an arm around Asoka's waist. "Now, now," he bellowed, his accent rich with a baritone charm. "We shouldn't bother our new son-in-law with miniscule problems like that, should we? This is a happy occasion, after all!"
Asoka responded with an elbow to the gut. "That's not the point, dear. We have to make sure that Kaolla's new husband is a good match for her."
A dribble of blood fell from the man's lips. "But it's too late for that, isn't it? They're married now under our laws. Laws that you are so very fond of if I recall. Regardless!" He smacked her rear, eliciting a furious blush and stammering of denial. "I'm so proud of you, Kaolla!" Mamba gripped his daughter in a crushing bear-hug. "My daughter, already married and within the first few months of her time abroad. I don't think I've been this proud since you built your first orbital laser satellite!"
"And that's still keeping those mean North Koreans from causing trouble!"
"Indeed! Truly, this is a time of celebration!" He turned to Asoka. "Honey, tell Putri that a feast must be prepared! I'm sure she'll be exhilarated to cook for her new son-in-law." He leaned over to Keitaro and winked. "She makes a mean soufflé, and isn't too bad on the eyes either."
Keitaro laughed helplessly. How many wives did this guy have? He wasn't exactly a looker, but the women that surrounded him had an obvious adoration for the man. So what the heck was it?
While he was wondering, Mamba gestured for the women to leave. "Go on ahead. I just need to have a man-to-man talk with Keitaro here."
"Don't break him, papa!" Su waved back.
Mamba watched as they left and then swung his arm around Keitaro, who noticed that it was almost as thick around as his entire waist. The man could probably pop him like an unwanted pimple if he wanted to. It wasn't a very comforting thought, especially when the man's expression lost its initial goofiness and morphed to something much more serious.
"So, how are things working out for you, son-in-law?"
All of Keitaro's inhibitions left him and he was rapidly babbling out anything that came to mind. Random things, maddening things, please-don't-squish-me-into-a-fine-and-colorful-paste things. So many things that Mamba most likely had no idea what the boy was trying to convey. They kept spilling out until Keitaro's lips were squeezed shut by the king's sausage-like fingers.
He smiled congenially. "Now, I'm going to let go, and we're going to try again. But slower this time." Keitaro nodded fearfully. Mamba released him.
"I'm so sorry, sir, but I didn't mean to marry your daughter, it just sort of happened, and then I didn't know what to do but then she started crying and was so cute and then some chick in a business suit knocked me out and I found myself in that blimp but it-"
"It was just an accident?" Keitaro halted in his ramblings and then nodded. Mamba grinned. "I figured as much. Molmol is not that well know in Japan, despite us supplying them with most of their weapons systems, so it's very unlikely that anyone living there would know our customs, let alone our engagement rituals."
"So why did-"
"I not prevent it or annul it in some fashion. I am the king, right? Surely I could find some loophole." Again, Keitaro simply nodded. Mamba sighed. "Because, I've never seen Kaolla so happy before – not when I first introduced to her to quantum physics, not when it was determined that she was the one who would ascend to the throne, not even when I granted her permission to study in Japan to try and make friends who didn't know she was royalty. Being proposed to, even accidentally, has brought her a joy I don't think I could ever duplicate. Besides…"
He brought Keitaro closer and winked. "That was actually how I got my first wife." Keitaro's jaw dropped and he stared. Mamba's grin grew wider. "Blame the follies of youth and my inability to steal panties without people noticing." His eyes grew distant, remembrance of the past dazzling through. "Asoka was so passionate, even then. Just wouldn't take no for an answer; said I had to accept the consequences and make her a proper woman." He rubbed his jaw. "Right hook's gotten a lot better, though."
Keitaro choked on the idea of the frosty-flame queen badgering Mamba into marital submission. He really hoped Su wouldn't turn out like that. He choked again, but this time it was due to actual pressure being put on his neck by Mamba.
He grinned again but, like several of his wives before him, the smile had a darker tint to it. "You've probably heard this already, but it's my duty as a father to say it. But don't worry, I'll make it short and sweet." Mamba ducked down, pulling Keitaro with him and cracking the younger boy's spine in the process. "I still have a few experiments that need a live subject, catch my drift?"
"Y-yes, sir!"
"Good kid!" Mamba pounded him on the back, pitching him onto the floor. "Well then, let's eat!"
Keitaro felt the only appropriate response was to cry.
So he did.
The heavens would be jealous of such weeping.
CRCRCRCRCR
After being shoved through a merciless gauntlet of bathing and dressing, both of which had him being attended by lovely young women – lovely young women who were disturbingly insistent on helping him undress, wash every body part meticulously, and then redress – Keitaro was led into the banquet hall. He couldn't help but gape. The room was big enough to fit the entire Hinata-sou inside of it, yet the only major points in the room was the nearly endless table located in the middle of it.
He plucked nervously at his outfit. It was reminiscent of what Asoka had been wearing, only it had pants as well as the toga-like upper-body apparel. It was very light, and he had all the mobility as in his normal garb, but it felt…tougher, more durable than his sweater and jeans. Keitaro was led to where the rest of the royal family was, and Su immediately latched onto him with a squeal of glee.
He noticed there were two new additions. One was a woman that seemed like a younger carbon copy of Rubah, only her hair was mid-length rather than short. She was wearing the same kind of apparel that Su was, but her clothes had more of a variety of color compared to Su's plain white clothing.
Her eyes washed over Keitaro, and the boy felt like he was being weighed and measured. It left him with the distinct impression that he was a piece of meat ready for auction. The woman smiled at his nervous expression. "Nice to meet you," she said. Her voice was husky, her Japanese having a dry, raspy quality to it. Keitaro shivered. "I'm Amalla, Kaolla's older sister."
"I'm…I'm Keitaro."
"I know. I've heard so much about you already." Her fingers lightly brushed against his bare arm. Goosebumps rose at the contact. "I hope we can be good friends."
A primal urge in the back of his mind commanded him to run away as quickly as he could. He was the prey for the hunter, simply waiting to be brought down.
Su took offense to her sister's overtures. "Bad Amalla, he's mine!"
"But Kaolla, don't you know it's better to share?" Her tongue darted out and slipped across her lips. "After all, I'm still looking for a husband, and you know how I like the shy, innocent types." The phantom sensation of her fingertips flared up. "So fun to corrupt."
Su growled, was silent for a bit, and then frowned. "Maybe later, but for now suami's mine!"
Amalla shrugged. "Fair enough."
The screaming increased in volume.
Rubah laughed and pressed her hands together. "She's a chip off my block alright."
Keitaro gladly shook off the ongoing sensation that he was totally and honestly screwed (most likely in more ways than one) to ask, "You mean that…?"
"I'm Kaolla's half-sister. Same father…" She glanced over at Mamba and then leaned onto Rubah slightly. "Different mothers."
"Ah." That would explain why Su had referred to Mana as her mother, but Amalla looked so much like Rubah. His gaze switched over to the last member. "Ah, erm…"
Mamba patted the small girl on the head. Her blonde hair was tied into twin ponytails, her petite frame barely coming past the man's waist. She was hidden slightly behind Mamba, and Keitaro could see her mumbling something, though it was too soft for him to hear. Mamba spoke up.
"She said, 'Welcome to Molmol and I hope you enjoy it here. Please tell me if there are any particular foods you like.'"
"Oh, um, thank you." Keitaro bowed, and the little girl blushed. She mumbled some more.
"She said that you're very polite."
"Thank you." Keitaro rubbed the back of his neck. "Erm, is she also your daughter?"
The royal family looked at each other and then burst out laughing. The girl looked confused until Mamba leaned over and translated for her. She grew even redder and mumbled more, but this time her voice was louder and higher-pitched, like a titmouse.
"She said she's a proud queen, and not a little girl, thank you very much."
"Oh! Err…sorry." Keitaro paused. His jaw dropped and he screeched out a startled question. "Ehh? Queen? You mean you? And her? You two? But how? She's…!"
Su tugged on his arm. "Putri-mama's actually a lot older than she looks."
"But she looks like she still belongs in grade-school!"
Su frowned. "It's a good thing she doesn't understand Japanese or you'd have one sore shin right now." She rubbed one foot against the other and grimaced, like she was remembering a painful memory. "She's actually turning thirty-five this winter."
"Thirty-five?"
"Yup! Now come on, suami! Let's go eeaaat! Putri-mama made so much delicious food for us!"
Still struck dumb by the new discovery, Keitaro didn't offer any resistance as Su dragged him to the table and shoved him down into a chair. The rest of the royal family took their seats, Mamba at the far end of the table while his wives and daughters sat to the sides.
Su looked around, her eyes searching for something or someone. "Isn't big brother here?"
Amalla sneered in derision. "He's probably excavating some ruin again. You know how much of an egghead he can be around them."
Su looked down. "Aw, I wanted him to meet suami. They would have gotten along great."
Keitaro didn't have time to ask about the new family member for he was soon distracted when the food was brought out. And there was a lot of food – soups, salads, bread from every country, several types of curry, fish, meat, poultry, pasta, macaroni, rice, fresh vegetables, fresh fruit. All kinds of all types of all varieties – everything that had once grown and clucked and bayed and swam under the sun. Keitaro couldn't believe that all of it was cooked by such a tiny, frail-looking girl.
It was just too bad he couldn't sufficiently enjoy them.
As he reached for what looked like a filet of fish that had been deliciously charred, something bumped against his knee. He blinked but, not seeing anyone confess to it, ruled it as by accident and went back to his dinner. It bumped him again, this time on the inside of his leg.
That got his attention. He went stiff as the object traced its way deeper in. To his knowledge, there was only one thing that could be that dexterous. And from the way that it was angled…His eyes darted across the table. Amalla was talking with her mother with Rubah, laughing at some joke in her native language. There was nothing really wrong with the picture, but her eyes slid to look at him through the corners, and the corners of her lips quirked up ever so much, revealing she had the same canine-like teeth her mother had.
The object pushed harder.
Keitaro's reaction was instant. His leg jerked up, knocking aside the encroaching appendage. Amalla looked surprised for a second before her smile grew. The foot approached again. He kicked it once more. Her face became more grim and determined than capricious.
Legs battled with one another, diverting one before defending another's invasion. Keitaro tried to keep a nonchalant attitude during the assault, but it was taking all he could not to just shout out.
Finally, he managed to lock both legs with one and lashed his free knee up. "Ha!"
The entire table shook, jostling all of the trays and dishes. Keitaro smiled for one happy moment then howled as the pain struck him. He slammed his head forward, cracking his plate of food. Just as he did, something whished past where his head was, and the floor exploded into shards of tiles. Wind whipped around him and the entire royal family was blown from their seats.
Keitaro looked up to where the explosion had taken place, and found what looked to be like the remains of a rocket. He blinked.
The stained-glass windows to the banquet hall burst inward, men in fatigues and baklavas rappelling in. Each of them had some form of weapon on their persons – swords, combat knives, pistols, machine-guns, and even rocket launchers. One of them, possibly the leader, yelled something out.
"Oh, dear," Mamba muttered. "Looks like one of the rebel factions is attempting a coup de tat again." His easy-going demeanor as the invaders swarmed in only helped to further Keitaro's pants-wetting fear.
"Again?"
"You're wrong, dear." Asoka retorted. "This is the faction that preaches about keeping the royal bloodline pure. You know, not letting outsiders in and all that." She looked at Keitaro as if to punctuate her point. He whimpered.
One of the faction members raised an RPG and shouted something.
Putri squeaked and dove under the table.
"She said to duck."
The missile launched.
Keitaro screamed.
Whether it was in terror or pure happiness that he no longer had to deal with this, he'd never say.
Boom.
A/N: First chapter catch! The basic idea from this was the several Su-centric fics that involved Keitaro marrying her for some stupid reason or another, the most common being that he lived with her in the same building for a year. Well, I just took this one step further with the stupidity of marriage proposals. For those that are wondering, this is a harem fic.
Next Chapter – See Keitaro Run! Run, Keitaro, Run!