Full sentences in italics symbolize thoughts.
P.S. If you decide to grab some popcorn, we're not responsible for choking. ;D
''No Funny Stuff, Okay Numbuh 1?''
A sweet, little boy was sleeping soundly, dreaming about dinosaurs, his hair being on fire in midst of some wizard chess and ice-cream, when...
''Wallabee Beetles! Get out of your bed and go to the kindergarten!"
No sound come out of his room though.
"WALLABEE!" His mother screamed once more from the other side of the door.
Oh, yeah, did I mention since Wallabee never passed the 4th grade, his was sent back to kindergarten?
''Crud!'' 19 year old Wallabee 'Wally' Beetles, or how he liked to be referred to - 'Woldemort', woke up late.
Again! It was only the 69th time in a row though, so no worries since he usually overslept most of the year.
I wonder how I get moiself into these messes…!
Wally, I mean - Woldemort wondered irritated.
''Wallabee, are you waking up or not?''
''Shut up, Snape, u know my name is Woldemort!''
''Wally, how many times do we have to tell you, we are not Harry Potter characters, we are your PARENTS!'' Wally's dad scolded.
''Wally, dear, you know your name is Wallabee. Wallabee Beetles, son.'' His mom said concerned.
'' 'S NOT! Look, jus' stop messin' with mei, ok? I'm a grownup, u can't do t'is to mei!''
''But Wallabee-'' his father tried.
Wally simply put his hands over his ears: ''La, la, la, la, I CAN'T HEAR U! La, la, la…''
Sighing, his parents gave up and continued on their weekly 24-hour sewing marathon. They had already won three trophies this year and we're aiming for town's record.
Wallabee heard a knock on his window and went over to investigate, making sure to stop at corners, duck behind desks and crawl under the window.
''Wut the hell! Hoagie...? Wut are u doing 'ere?'' He opened the window astonished.
''Just chilling, ha - ha. Well, actually I came to pick you up for the toy store trip.''
''No, I mean, wut are u doing hanging on my windowsill, when I live on the 26th floor?''
Hoagie hanged there confused for a while… Well, an hour to be precisely. Then he removed a hand and scratched his head: ''OH, yeah! Ha-ha-ha, now I get it!''
Finally looking down, Hoagie's eyes widened and he slowly looked back at Wally, his throat dry:'' Err… do-do you mind getting me in, Wally?''
At this Wallabee clenched his fists in anger: ''Moi. Name. Is not. Wally. It's. WOLDEMORT, U MUGGLE!''
Hoagie shuddered, one of his hands slipping off the sill in shock: ''What are you talking about?''
''I said-'' Wally began with an angry look, but Hoagie couldn't hang there anymore.
''OK, OK, WOLDEMORT! Jeez, just help me!''
Satisfied Woldemort took out his wand: ''Freeze!''
Nothing happened.
IT WORKED!
Woldemort jumped in joy and went about his normal day watering flowers, making his bed, cutting out little hearts from Cosmopolitan with his wand-
"Woldemooooort!" Hoagie yelled, now hanging on just two fingers.
"Oi!" startled at forgetting so quickly, Wally rushed back to pull his friend inside.
Hoagie looked like he had just eaten an asparagus pie: ''Woldemort… don't ever do that again!''
Woldemort winked at him and put his wand back in his pocket.
Meanwhile somewhere else two figures were doing something which looked like catching a cockroach in a dark corner.
''This is the coolest thing ever!'' Nigel said in his thick accent before kissing Kuki again rather fiercely.
"Yeah… I think last time our tongue piercings got stuck, it took 2.560 years to unlink them!'' She agreed laughing.
''And the funniest thing is that you're gay!'' Stickybeard burst into laughter from the other room.
Nigel and Kuki shared a grin and raced off to kitchen.
Stickybeard looked at them with astonishment and smiled before bursting in another fit of laughter. What a pair!
A doorbell interrupted him and Kuki went to open the door where Woldemort and Hoagie greeted her.
''Oh, hi Woldie! Hi, Hoagie!'' She hugged them and they walked inside.
''So, you guys ready to go?'' Hoagie asked clapping his hands together.
''Sure, I must go to the bathroom before though.'' Kuki answered.
''Yeah, me too.'' Nigel said as he walked over to her.
''What? Why both of you?'' Hoagie found it strange.
''We're going to shave our legs!'' They said in unison, flashing radiant smiles.
''What? Why?'' Woldemort and Hoagie unisoned back, eyes filled with shock.
''It will only take 3 minutes, silly!'' Kuki brushed the guys off and chuckled shutting the bathroom door, leaving everyone except Stickybeard dumbfounded.
As on cue, a man with baggy green pants, brown hoodie, extremely hairy legs and a red hat came in.
''Hey, who's that guy?'' Hoagie filled the silence.
''I ain't no man!'' Abigail Lincoln revealed herself.
''Whoa… Cool mask, Abby! Especially those hairy legs!''
''What mask? And what are you talking about, those are my legs!''
Woldemort and Hoagie stood silent once again.
''But, but… u...''
''Oh, yeah, she never shaves. Abby says it's bad for your legs!'' Kuki yelled from the bathroom.
''Yeah, I got mine bleeding couple of times!'' yelled Nigel, the delicious accent still strong.
Abby smiled when she saw Stickybeard. He stood up from the sofa and hugged her. Abby kissed him, he responded and it turned into a making out.
Woldemort's jaw dropped: ''Wut in the cruddy world?'''
''Oh, you remember the last sleepover we had at Chad's place? Well-''
''Oh, yeah, that's when I and Hoagie got married-''Kuki interrupted coming out of the bathroom.
''Yeah, and that's where Abby and Stickybeard met.''
''I'd say it was love from first fright.'' Nigel said smiling at the couple with a far-off look.
Woldie's jaw dropped yet again: ''Wut? Why the crud are u married?''
''Well… we were playing truth and dare and Kuki accidentally picked 'dare', which was… to marry the guy next to her! That happened to be Hoagie.'' Nigel explained.
By the time Stickybeard had removed Abigail's hat, hoodie and was unbuttoning her shirt.
Nigel smiled and skipped to them. He leaned down, kissed Stickybeard on cheek and said: ''Guys, time to go.''
Nigel winked at Stickybeard and skipped back to Kuki.
The old pirate had a disgusted look on his face.
Did that Nigel boy just kiss me?
He soon shook it off and they joined the others.
''So, you're ready to go?''
''Umm, Hoagie, are you sure we're at a toy store?'' Abby asked as they entered an abandoned, old house on a hill. A storm was raging outside. The walls and furniture were dusty, spider webs in corners and creaky floors…
''Positive! Just look at all the toys here! They look just like real!'' Hoagie pointed out at a bloody bath and a body on the floor. It was covered in blood, as well was the wall and window.
''Cool.'' Woldemort said as they walked further and saw more bloody sights.
''Wow, t'is must be some kind o' horror shop!'' he exclaimed.
''Yeah…'' Kuki agreed drooling over the dolls, which hanged in ropes attached to the ceiling of a room. The eyes of the dolls were scratched out and black crosses were drawn on their foreheads. Few dolls were missing a leg or a hand; some were headless. Fresh blood dripped from those dolls without a body part.
Kuki stepped forward to grab a doll, so did Nigel, but a secret trap opened under their feet and they fell deep down in a dark basement.
Woldemort's jaw dropped.
''Woldemort! That wasn't so shocking!'' Hoagie elbowed him.
''I kno'. It's just that I'm saving cookies for winter behind mah cheeks, and my mouth sometimes is too heavy for me to hold it, thus my jaw drops.'' Woldie explained.
Hoagie only raised a heavy brow and walked out of the room having completely forgotten about their missing friends.
''Let's go upstairs!'' Abigail suggested.
''So, do you think they fell for it?'' Kuki asked Nigel turning on the lights.
He walked over to a desk, throwing a box of paper and pencils on the lamp.
''I guess so! Boy oh boy, is this super cool!'' He grinned, taking a pencil and excitedly drawing his plan.
''Hey, guys, is there a light switch somewhere?'' Hoagie asked entering a dark room. Abby put something round-shaped in her mouth and turned her head to the ceiling.
''What are you doing?'' Hoagie asked annoyed.
''Shush, I'm trying to light the room!'' Abigail hissed.
''What, you seriously hope you'll be able to light an electric bulb with your mouth? You are not Uncle Fester, dumbass!'' Hoagie said sarcastically.
'' Well, At least I tried!'' Abby crossed her arms.
''Hey, pretty boy…'' A seductive, deep voice flirted with Hoagie in the dark.
All Hoagie could see was a big dark figure, apparently a human. Or a giant reindeer. He opted for the latter.
The dark figure opened its arms alluring him. Hoagie stepped backwards and slipped on a banana peel, ironically ending up in the figure's arms. Suddenly the lights switched on and he found himself up against Grandma Stuffum.
Grossed out, he slapped her to death.
''What a waste. That was a perfectly fine grandma! I once even had a one-night-stand with her.'' Stickybeard said.
''What?'' Abby asked in disbelief.
''Oh… I-''
''Numbuh 5 can't believe this! You've been with her… HER! I… I -Oww! We're over!'' Abby ran away angry.
''Darling, w-wait!'' Stickybeard shouted running after her.
Woldemort and Hoagie just looked wide eyed.
''Well… it's just you and me now…''
''Whoa, I think, I jus' heard someone screamin'! … Must be the new Pony Puff princess toy I wanted since last Christmas!''
''Cool, let's go get it!''
''Oh, c'mon, Abigail, I said I was sorry, I-it was just a single night, I'll never cheat on you again, I-''
''It's not that. You stepped on my foot and didn't apologize.'' Abby said crossing her arms.
Stickybeard stopped silent: ''O-k… I'm sorry…'' finishing the sentence with a glare.
Abby glared back at him: ''Now that's way better.''
Stickybeard smiled at her sudden pout and put his arms around Abby.
''You know that's why I love you.'' He said patting her knee.
''Ugh, Kuki, it's too heavy!''
''Shush, it won't take long, I'm almost done with the construction!''
''Remind me again, why are we building a giant sandwich?''
''What, you wanna say your not hungry after all the work?''
''Work? …oh!" This reminded him of their devious plan," Can't believe I forgot! I… I think I'm going to call the police myself after all,'' Nigel mumbled dialing the number, "H-hello, officer?''
''Oh, co-o-ol! T'is Pony Puff princess rocks!'' Woldie exclaimed playing with the toy horse.
''Na-na-na-na-na – playing with the horse, na-na-na-na, playing with the horse!''
Hoagie admired how free Wall-I mean Woldemort felt while playing.
Suddenly the doors swung open and cops ran inside.
''Put. The Pony Puff. Down.'' Stated one of them in a megaphone, aiming a raspberry gum at the guys.
Woldie stood up and took his wand out: ''You'll never get me alive! Muhahaha -Oh lookie - a jelly doughnut!'' he caught the sigh of a cop holding it and ran over.
''Hey, Phil, I found these in the other room.'' Another said dragging Abby and Stickybeard along.
''Oh, shit.'' Hoagie mumbled as they put handcuffs on his arms as well.
The drooling figure of Abigail against the prison bars didn't look that attractive at all, so Woldemort stretched out his wand, chanted a few words and turned Abigail into a frog.
Stickybeard blinked and next thing he knew, someone fell on the floor with a loud 'THUD'.
Ends up Wally had fallen asleep, because the performance of Abby's spell had drained his entire MP.
''Honey… I think I'm giving birth!'' Kuki screamed out.
''Bullshit, you're just stuffed,'' Nigel said feeling the same pain, "If there's anyone who's giving birth – it's me.'' Nigel was holding his stomach with his arms, and definitely wasn't inclined towards joking at the moment.
''Ugh…!''
''Tell me again – who's bright idea was to put 5 thousand potatoes in the sandwich?'' Jup – he was officially angry.
''Well who was the one saying: Noo, Kuki, we absolutely must put a meat factory on the second level of the sandwich, Nigey?'' Kuki asked (more like screamed) just as annoyed.
''Oh shut up and give me the ice cream box on your left!'' He said turning to her side.
Stickybeard sighed with Abby-frog on his head: ''We must get out!''
''How do you expect us to do it, dress-up and run away?'' Hoagie asked sarcastically.
Woldemort opened his mouth and a light bulb popped up over his head: ''Exactly! I know how to do this!'' he then told them the plan.
''Uhh, Woldey, I appreciate yer brilliantness…. well, actually I don't, but that plan could never work.'' Stickybeard said while stoking the frog.
''Are you kiddin' mei, I know exactly what to do!''
Hoagie sighed: ''Fine, even though your plan is ridiculous, it's not like we have a better one. So…" and here he paused at others meaningfully, "Let's do it!''
From there Stickybeard and Hoagie dressed as husbands and Woldie as their wife.
They all came to the prison guards and Woldie instructed: ''Alright, I and my husbands are going out for dinner. Make sure little Hermione and Joey are satiated, also that they don't pee themselves and are in bed by nine. ''
''Ok, Mrs.…?''
''Bloom, Orlando Bloom.'' Woldie said brushing hair out of her face.
''Ok, Mrs. Bloom, have a nice dinner! ''The guards said saluting.
They were about to get out of the door, when Woldie's light bulb hit against the doorframe, preventing them from getting out.
'' Why, you pesky lil' thang!'' he was about to hit the bulb, but it disappeared in fright, and they got out of the prison.
When the air was safe, Woldemort dropped his gloves jumping in the air: "YIPPEEEE! It worked! Man those dumbasses, thinking they're so smart, just wait till ah get mah hands on -"
"Err, Wallie there's a guard right-"
"WOLDEMOOOOORT!" He yelled enraged, making everyone freeze in terror and the guard which he hadn't noticed froze into an ice cube just like that. Seeing as everyone was listening to him now, Wally calmed and crossed his arms: "Good, now stand in a triangle."
The rest of them slowly obeyed, still freaked out.
Woldemort gave a professional look and, taking out his wand, drew small circles in the grass: "Our mission now is to rescue Nigel and Kuki. But first we oughta…"
Authors note: This story has been hanging around, written many years ago. It still makes me laugh, so hopefully it played a role in brightening your day as well.
Now, I've got ideas for more chapters, but you guys are the ones who'll determine if you want more of this kind of humor. Let me know how I'm doing. ;)
And feel free to point out mistakes, they help me grow as a writer and see outside the box.
Cya. *winks*
~Pearl