Author: McLean
Title: Noli Abiasne
Rate: Er… PG
Sorry for the angst but I just love the self-loathing it brings me.
Disclaimer: Want them, crave them, don't have them.
Dedication: To Luna for her great betaing, And for dragging me into the RL/SB world thank you girl!!
And to me very special Maddie, don't think I forgot, I promised it baby, velis nolis.
Feedback: that would be lovely dwainemcleanlvr@yahoo.com.mx and rev. please.
Noli abiasne
I don't want the night to come, I don't want the moon to take its place in the lavender sky, I, I just won't be capable of bearing with it now, just not right now. So I don't want the wolf to approach, to emerge, asking for his re-found mate. How am I supposed to tell it you're… gone, gone behind the veil. How can I explain to it that it lost its mate and I lost my soul, I can't even explain it to myself.
I saw your face, saw your eyes widening with fear and realization as you fell through black velvet, and my heart clenched and shattered in an instant leaving me alone to pick up the pieces.
The time stopped and divided itself in two: the part with your voice, your eyes, your skin, your scent and your taste in it, and nothing, just the absolute darkness of your absence. And now, as the time I was torn too, cut in the centre and half of me totally gone.
Then I saw Harry running towards the veil and finally snapped back into the world around me, and I rushed to stop him. He struggled against my grip muttering you were playing, that you would appear in a second, but the second passed and you weren't there so Harry kept fighting to pull away, but I held him with the strength my pain gave me. And as I held him I kept you from falling and myself from following you beyond the fabric, and also tried to seize my heart for it was being savagely ripped out.
At last the fight was over and I found myself unable to wake up, but of course it wasn't dream, I wouldn't open my eyes and find you sleeping by my side. This was a nightmare, the nightmare that my life had become.
And again I'm the afflicted lover, the one that's pitied and patronized. They think (as I do) I'm not useful to the Order anymore, not when I slowly go insane without you. Even Severus tried to make me feel better: he patted me on the back and attempted to say he was sorry. I didn't let him; he doesn't get to say your name.
Dumbledore told me to rest, to sleep a bit, but, what is the point of dreaming if my dreams are worse than nightmares?, if they only remind me the heaven I lost and the hell I live in.
God Sirius, I wish I could hate you, I wish I could despise you like I did last time. I hated you, yes, I hated you with all the love I have for you, and I didn't do it because I thought you were guilty, I really never believe that; I did it because you let them drag you into hell and you never looked back to watch me cry. When pain tore me apart only hatred could keep me together.
Haven't cried this time for if I do that will make it real, that will make true that I won't wake up shivering beside you and you won't smile at me and stroke my hair to calm me down.
The bed is still as we left it when we took off; messy pillows and stained sheets, that is all I have left. If I crawl into it, do you think it would still be warm? Will I be able to catch the scent of us in it? Could I feel you inside me again, my lover, my mate, my loyal Padfoot, my bright star, my beautiful Sirius?
Will it feel like hours ago when we finally gathered the courage to rip our clothes off and made up or the time lost, and you made love to me and whispered in my ear that you loved me like always; when I kissed the scar on your neck where so long ago I tasted your blood and marked you as the wolf's eternal mate? Yeah, I thought so too.
But where are you Siri? I don't even have a body to cling to; for moments that gives me hope. Please let me know that you'll come back, as a ghost, as anything you want, haunt me, drive me even more insane, but do come back, you can't leave me in this darkness where I'm not able to find you.
I don't want the night to come, I don't, but I couldn't stand another hour of daylight, at least the wolf will bring brief hours of oblivion and I'll get to hurt myself, call it catharsis. You said there were things worth dying for, for me you were one of those things, but you also were my only reason to live. Thought of killing myself but then Harry came to my mind and I remembered how I felt when I lost you all. I could not do that to him. I guess we'll have to wait.