Disclaimer: If only I were a member of CLAMP. If I was I would see to it that X/1999 was taken out of hiatus and completed. But alas, it was never ment to be... and I don't X or Monty Python and the Holy Grail or Robin Hood: Man in Tights.
It was a muggy morning in Great Briton
It was a muggy morning in Great Briton. The grass was drenched in the morning dew; the air was dense with fog, and windy, and cold. Our story starts here, with a pair of travel worn boys, the leader of the two, and also the shortest, was clad in light armor, with a golden crown adorning his head, and a long sword was strapped around his waist. His fine, short, silky smooth black hair whipped around his face as he galloped towards the stone castle in the distance, his arms half extended as if he were holding a horse's reins. Which, he wasn't, as they didn't have horses. His name was Kamui, King of the Britons, and Defeater of the Saxons, Sultan of all England; all of which he had achieved by the age of sixteen.
His companion, Saiki, galloped closely behind him. Unlike Kamui, he wore simple page's clothes, and carried all of their provisions on his back, seeing as how they didn't have any horses, and it was unthinkable that Kamui should be burdened with such things as luggage. In each of his hands he held a dried up coconut shell that was split in half, and as they galloped, he banged the two coconut halves together, creating the sound of horse hooves galloping.
Finally, after much galloping, they reached the castle walls. Kamui held up his hand, signaling for them to halt. Saiki banged the coconuts together the make the sound of halting hooves and fell silent.
"Finally," he muttered, "my arms were getting tired and I think I have a permanent hunch thanks to all this junk I have to carry!"
"Oh, stop grumbling," Kamui snapped. "You were the one who insisted that the king shouldn't be seen carrying his own luggage."
Saiki glared but said nothing more. Kamui tilted his head up and called. "Hello! Is anyone home?"
A man in armor poked his head over the wall and peered down at the two. "Who are you? And what do you want?"
Kamui drew himself up to his full height (which still wasn't very tall mind you) and declared proudly, "I am Kamui, King of the Britions, Defeater of the Saxons, Sultan of all England!"
Saiki rolled his eyes, "Show off," he mumbled. Kamui ignored him and continued, "I am traveling around and looking for knights to join me at my court at Camelot and my round table! Please tell your master that we're here and if—"
"What are those?" the guard interrupted, pointing to the coconuts that Saiki was holding. Both Kamui and Saiki frowned and looked at the coconuts that the page held. "Coconuts," Kamui answered, "Why?"
"How did you get them?" the guard inquired.
"We found them," Kamui answered abruptly.
"You found them?"
"Yes," Kamui snapped impatiently. "What does it matter?"
"The coconut is tropical, that's what." The guard argued. "This is a temperate zone! Which means you couldn't find them here in Mercia"
"The sallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin may seek warmer climes in the winter, yet these are not strangers to our land," Saiki called back.
"Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?" asked the guard in disbelief.
"What? No," Kamui answered, his annoyance becoming more evident.
"Then how do you explain how it ended up here?" the guard probed.
"They could be carried," Kamui retorted, deciding that maybe they should just move on.
"Well, then, a swallow carrin a coconut?"
"It could grip it by the husk," Saiki explained as patiently as he could, for he too was quickly losing his patience with the man and wanted to move on.
"It's not a question of where he grips it," the guard said in disgust. "It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird cannot carry a one pound coconut!"
"It reallydoesn't matter," Kamui grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest and starting to tap his foot impatiently.
"Hey, listen," the guard insisted. "In order to maintain air speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, am I right?"
Both Kamui and Saiki looked at each other in confusion. "That's right, isn't it?" Kamui whispered. Saiki frowned and shrugged, but decided to go with the guard's logic.
"Yeah, I guess so," he answered back to the guard. Just then, and another man's head popped out from behind the wall and interrupted, "An African swallow could carry it."
"Yes," agreed the first guard, while Kamui and Saiki groaned in exasperation. "But the African swallow isn't migratory, now is it?"
"True," the second guard conceded, "but what if two swallows carried it together?"
"It doesn't matter!" Kamui shouted, only to be ignored by the two arguing guards, who were, by now, completely absorbed in their insane coconut migration conversation. Saiki sighed as he rubbed his temples. "Let's just get out of here," he suggested. Kamui nodded and began to gallop away as Saiki began to bang the two coconuts together.
As they continued onward, they came upon a small village plagued with illness. Kamui signaled for them to stop as they neared the outskirts of the village.
"Hey, Saiki, do you hear that?" he asked his gasping page, ignoring the fact that the said page was crawling on his hands and knees.
"WATER," Saiki croaked. Kamui frowned and shook his head. "No, not that sound. I meant that gonging sound and those cries of misery."
"I NEED WATER!!"
"No, not thosecries of misery," Kamui said, shaking his head again.
Saiki glared up at him in disbelief. "I'm dying of thirst and exhaustion, you idiot!!"
"No, it sounds more like the cries of people dying of the plague, and that gonging sounds like a man beating a pot with a wooden spoon as he calls 'Bring out your dead!' while walking along side a cart full of dead people being pulled and loaded by two scrawny men who are desperate to make a living, and will actually smuggle some of the bodies home so that their families will have something to eat, thus infecting not only themselves, but their families as well," Kamui droned on and on, obviously not paying attention to his dying friend's exclaims of death.
"Oh bloody hell!" Saiki groaned. He collapsed on the ground with his face in the dirt. "Ow," he turned his head to the side and rubbed his nose.
"Or it maybe it's the war cries of two young teenage boys fighting at the top of Tokyo Tower with two long and sharp identical swords, being suspended in mid-air as they fight to the death in an apocalyptic battle over who decides the fate of the earth, shattering large building windows, while all the people of Tokyo go about their day as though none of this it happening…" Kamui suggested thoughtfully.
Saiki frowned, what was he jabbering about? What was a 'Tokyo Tower', and what was this 'Tokyo'? Why were there two moody teenagers fighting to the death for the fate of the earth? And how the hell can people not notice all of this going on in the first place?
"Damm continuity," he grumbled as Kamui continued to spout out a bunch of nonsense.
"Or maybe it's the anguished screams of millions of fangirls as the creators of a manga called X/1999decided to put the said manga on an indefinite hiatus and start new volumes of manga and seem to have forgotten all about it." Kamui continued guessing.
His gaze wandered as he tuned out Kamui's drabbling. 'Might as well enjoy the bloody scenery while I wait to die,'he thought sarcastically. But as he took in the small scattered patches of grass and the many rocks that jutted out of the ground here and there, just waiting to trip an innocent by stander into their impending doom of falling and being impaled by its other rock friends, and thought of how he so wanted to kill Kamui right now just to shut him up, the author decided to put a small glass bottle of water not too far away from where he lay, which lured him into a false sense of security and gave him a new ray of hope, when she only did it so that she could torture him later on.
Anyway, as Saiki spotted the bottle of water he almost wept with joy. Filled with a new found will to survive, he dragged himself closer, all thoughts of wanting to kill Kamui forgotten as he focused on the bottle that contained the liquid of life, and inched himself closer over to the bottle. He could already taste the heavenly cool liquid on his parched lips, feel it rush down his throat and quenching his thirst. Finally, the bottle was an inch away from his out stretched hand. But just as it seemed that the higher power that was the author was really being sympathetic and compassionate towards him, when really she had lured him into a false sense of security, binding her time and waiting for the moment to be just right, she struck!
"Hey," Kamui exclaimed cheerfully from behind Saiki. "A glass bottle of water that was conveniently place a little ways away from a dying page whose master ignored his cries of death by some unknown higher power who did it in hopes of luring him into a false sense of security."
Before Saiki could act, Kamui was already next to him and plucked the bottle from the ground. "Man, all that talking made me thirsty!"
Saiki stared at the empty space in his hand stupidly for a moment, trying to figure out why the bottle that contained the liquid of life was no longer there. When realization finally slapped him in the face he paled and looked up at Kamui who had twisted the cap off.
"No…" Saiki gasped in horror, realizing what Kamui was about to do. "Oh for the love of god, please no!"
"Well no sense in letting it go to waste," Kamui said and to Saiki's horror said, "Bottoms up!" and drank it.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Saiki screamed, as he tried desperately to push himself up to his knees to stop the silky black haired youth. But alas, the strength that he had summoned to get to the holy water had deserted him, leaving him to watch Kamui commit his act of terror, and down the whole bottle right in front of his eyes.
"Ahhh, refreshing," Kamui sighed, he then finally noticed his page lying on the ground at his feet and staring white-faced and watery eyed up at the empty bottle in his hand. "Eh? Saiki, what are you doing on the ground?"
"Why?" Saiki whispered.
"Ne, why what?"
Saiki didn't answer. Instead he just continued to stare at the empty bottle, hoping and praying that surly Kamui didn't drink allof it. Kamui frowned in confusion, and looked down at his clothing. "Is there a stain on my pants?" He asked. When Saiki didn't answer he stopped and stared at him again, trying to figure out what the other boy was staring at. He gave up after fives minutes and shrugged. "Okay, whatever."
Then he carelessly tossed the bottle over his shoulder, where it broke as it hit a rock. That was when Saiki snapped.
He screamed, "ARGH!!"
"What the—ACK!!" Kamui start to say but didn't finish because just then Saiki attacked with new found strength that was fueled by his rage. Saiki shot up and ran head long into Kamui, tackling him to the ground.
"You bastard! That bottle was mine!" he screamed as he punched Kamui.
"Dude, what's your problem?" Kamui snapped, as he shoved Saiki off of him and tried to scramble away from his crazed friend.
"I'm gonna kill you!" Saiki shouted as he grabbed a hold of Kamui's foot and dragged him back to him.
As then two men began to sissy fight, they where unaware that they were being watched by a pair of cold, mismatched eyes. Not too far away on top of a large hill a man stood holding a shovel on a pointed rock jutting out beside a mound of freshly dug dirt that indicated a grave had been recently made and filled, assessing the fight between Kamui and Saiki with mild interest. He was tall, with short black hair and one amber brown eye, his right one was a slate gray and completely blind. He wore black flowing robes and a light brown travel cloak, both were lightly dusted with dirt, and a pair of black sunglasses (of his own invention); on his beautiful face he wore a small practiced smile as he watched Kamui hit Saiki in the mouth, forcing the brown-haired man to yelp and abruptly let go of his hair, which Kamui quickly took advantage of the situation to tackle Saiki to the ground and sissy slapped him continually.
'What a curious pair of people,'he remarked to himself. He watched Kamui and Saiki's fight, in which Saiki was able to get the upper hand on Kamui. He fought through Kamui's slaps and pushed him off of him and started to strangle him. Oh, but Kamui wasn't about to let that kill him, no soirée. Just when all hope seemed lost for the King of the Britons, Kamui kneed Saiki in the stomach, forcing the page to gasp and fall to the side in pain. Gasping as well Kamui rolled away slowly and forced himself onto his hands and knees. Saiki did the same, recovering more quickly than his superior. When they struggled to their feet, they both glared at one another.
"I hate you, you—you bottle stealer!" Saiki shouted.
"I hate you more," Kamui snapped back.
Then, Saiki did the lowest of the low. He grabbed his right ring finger and jerked a cheap plastic ring that said 'Best Friends Forever Club' on it off. Kamui gasped in horror. "What are you doing?"
"What I should have done a long time ago!" Saiki hissed, and he threw the cheap plactic ring on the ground, and stomped on it. "We're not best friends forever anymore!"
"Noooo!" Kamui wailed, and fell to his knees; the terrible act was too great for him. The mystery man's eyes widened in surprise as the terrible act unfolded before him. 'Wow', he thought, 'that was harsh.'
Kamui looked up at a triumphant looking Saiki with pained eyes. "Why, Saiki?"
Saiki snorted, "Because, you took my bottle!"
"But… but," Kamui whispered and brought up his own right hand, which also had a cheap plastic ring on the ring finger. "We promised that we would be best friends forever."
Saiki shifted uncomfortably for a second. "Yeah, well… we aren't anymore. You made me carry our entire luggage, ignored me whiled I was dying of thirst, and stole my bottle of water."
Kamui stopped his morning and stared at his ex-best friend forever. "What are you talking about?" he demanded, "You demanded that I shouldn't carry any luggage! I spent an hour to convince you to let me keep my sword and amour!"
"Nuh uh," Saiki defended, "You made me carry everything!"
"I did not, you lying buffoon!"
"You did too, you crustaious cheap skate!"
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
The mystery man sweat dropped as they continued to argue like this back and forth, wondering just who these two idiots were.
"I did not!" Kamui yelled the fiftieth time.
"You did too!" Saiki yelled back and again they started to sissy slap each other to death.
A movement from their left caught the mysterious man's attention, which his eyes widened in alarm. Behind the squabbling pair, a large bird-like creature was circling the skies. It looked almost like a paragon falcon, only it was the size of a single story house. Its beak was curved and sharp, its keen eyes scanning the earth for its next victim. The man in the black robes watched the giant bird before deciding that it was in his best interest to make a swift exit for cover before the bird of prey spotted him out in the open. He sighed and, shouldering his shovel he gracefully stepped down from the rock and on to the mound he had recently covered up. He gave the two fighting boys one last glance before snapping his fingers and vanishing into thin air.
Needless to say, Kamui and Saiki were too busy trying to kill each other to have notice the man's presence and absence, nor did they notice that they were spotted by a huge man-eating bird that was circling over head of them, getting ready to dive straight for them.
"You eat horse radishes raw!"
"You bob for apples in the toilet, and you like it!"
"You let your mom dress you up as a girl and you liked it so much that you wouldn't take them off for months! And you dreamed of being a sugar plum fairy princess too!" Saiki shouted, making Kamui freeze in horror at what his ex-friend had just said.
"You promised you would never speak of that!" Kamui gasped.
"I lied," Saiki retorted. "And I'd—"
But before Kamui could hear what Saiki had to say, a blur of motion had snatched him up and carried him into the air. He stood rooted to the ground as the giant bird had swooped in and carried Saiki kicking and screaming in its talons into the distance.
"Saiki," Kamui called after the shock wore off and his mind began to register what had just happened.
Saiki was just kidnapped by some giant mutant bird. That meant he was in trouble, and Kamui had one of two choices. One, he could go and rescue his friend and companion before he was torn to shreds and devoured in such terrible ways that only the author of this fiction could think of, or he could pretend that it didn't happen and find a new friend and companion to replace Saiki.
Kamui frowned; he didn't really like those options. Option one didn't guarantee that he would make it to Saiki in time or ensure their safe escape, and option two would make him feel like sht. He looked around and swore, the horses were gone (which weren't horses, instead Saiki banging two coconut halves together and Kamui galloping to the beat of horse hooves).
Then, a plan began to form in his head. He looked over to where the village was at and ran for it.
"Don't worry Saiki," he said to himself. "I'll find help and rescue you."
TBC
Will Kamui find help in time to save Saiki? Will Saiki ever be able to get a drink of water? Find out in the next exciting chapter of X: men in tights and the Quest of the Holy Grail!
Well, that's my first chapter! I hope you like it, and please review!