It's PeanutButterJared Time
A/N: I cannot believe I'm doing this again. Seriously. Well I suppose it's Valentine's Day. Or it will be when this goes up. It's actually more like three days before Valentine's Day as I write this. I'm mostly writing this to keep my mind off of those deliciously tempting Sweetart Hearts in the other room. Who am I kidding, y'all don't care about my life. Enjoy!
"Jared, I'm hoooooome!" Austin called as he locked their front door behind him. The sound of his voice resounded off of the walls of their mostly empty house. He dropped his car keys on the little table they kept by their door, and he adjusted the paper grocery bag he was carrying in his arm.
"Jaaaaaared?" He called again. Austin poked his head into the living room. From what he could tell Jared wasn't in there, and the copious number of boxes hadn't diminished either. Oh yeah they had moved into a modest two bedroom house in early February. Exposition ho! Where was I?
Austin quickly turned away from the living room entrance and almost tripped over a box of Zelda posters they still needed to hang up. Smooth. He instead opted to go into the kitchen and unpack the groceries he bought. It was mostly standard Valentine's Day stuff. Y'know, candied hearts with nerdy sayings (and don't even ask where he got them, they were a nightmare to find), some nice wine, flowers, milk because Jared eats cereal like an animal (seriously you do not need that much milk).
I've got to stop getting sidetracked, Austin thought. It was Valentine's Day tomorrow and he was going to make it perfect. Sheesh, when'd I become the man in this relationship?
Speaking of men, the house was quiet. Waaaaaaay too quiet for Austin's liking. Usually Jared would be sitting around playing video games or watching TV or unpacking these freaking boxes because seriously man we just moved. What was that I said before about getting sidetracked?
Austin walked down the hall toward the room they used to record their videos. He also couldn't resist doing a little slide on the hardwood floors in his socked feet, because really why else would they have hardwood floors? He peeked into the room to see no Jared. All of his games were unpacked and properly shelved though. Austin rolled his eyes at this and started making his way toward the bedroom.
About half way down the hall Austin finally noticed something… out of place.
What are all of these little triforce charms doing on the floor? Austin thought as he slowly made his way toward the door at the end of the hall. Despite his slow walk he still managed to get the soles of his feet skewered by all of the pointy ends. The thought was nice though. He laid his hand on the doorknob. He could faintly hear the sounds of Zelda's Lullabycoming from the other side.
"Oooookay," Austin said, "This is either about to be the best night ever, or my childhood is going to be brutally murdered."
Austin took a deep breath and swung the door open to reveal… Well not quite what he was expecting. Okay maybe he was expecting it a little. The romantic triforces in the hall kind of clued him in.
On the other side of that door lie Jared, dressed in the closest approximation of "sexy Link" one could possibly get with that unflattering garb. The green tunic was draped over Jared's slender yet somewhat toned shoulders (I guess all that hunching over controllers really tones your muscles). The left sleeve had slid down his shoulder a bit revealing his prominent collarbone. Under that he was wearing a very short pair of tan shorts that left very little to the imagination. Which was good; Austin liked it that way. And the hat. Can't forget the hat.
"So… uh..?" the sight of Jared left Austin completely breathless and at a loss for words, "You uh… been standing here long?"
He also gave himself a mental kick for that one. How much more stoopider could that have sounded?
Jared leaned back against the wall next to their headboard. He glanced down at the floor just in front of Austin and brought his hands up to fiddle with the hem of the green tunic.
"Not very long," He replied with a nervous chuckle.
"You know… That tunic looks way better on you than it does on me,"
Jared looked up at his lover, relieved to see a mischievous glint in his eye and a smirk on his face. He had no idea why he thought Austin would be completely unperceptive of his *cough* obviously *cough* romantic gesture.
"Well then," Jared did an exaggerated curtsey with the tunic, "I'm happy to please his highness."
Austin threw his head back and laughed. Then he limped over to the bed and sat down to pull a random triforce piece out of his foot. Jared couldn't help but giggle at Austin's misfortune.
"You know, I assumed you could make it three feet without getting skewered like a little kid," Jared tried desperately to hold back his laughter. "Want me to kiss it and make it better?"
Austin shot him a teasing glare as he approached. "Oh please, like you could navigate that death trap of a love surprise."
Jared stood over Austin, and his grin never left his face. He made to say something, but Austin grabbed him by the waist and pulled him on top of him so that Jared's legs were straddling him. And before he could protest about that too Austin captured his lips with his own.
"Cheeky bastard," Jared teased after they broke apart. It was his turn now, before Austin could go in for another kiss Jared urged him to lie down by pushing on his shoulders. Austin happily complied and flopped-rather unsexily- onto his back. He went to pull Jared down with him, but the slippery bastard slid out of his grasp and down so he was hovering near Austin's waist.
Austin grinned and supported his head with his hands expectantly. Jared raised a thin eyebrow at this.
"Expecting something, darling?" He asked sarcastically.
"Just the usual, love," Austin replied, not missing a beat.
Jared blushed at the innuendo and decided to let Austin win this one. Just this once though. His fingers fumbled a bit with Austin's belt. The sweet, provocative sound of Austin's laughter wasn't exactly helping to quell his embarrassment either. Finally the wretched snake was undone and Jared threw the belt across the room.
"My, my, someone is a bit impatient," Austin was now sitting up again. He ran a calm hand through Jared's hair to soothe him a bit. He also knocked the green hat off in the process. He bent down and gave Jared a quick kiss on the forehead and then relaxed back onto the bed in his previous position.
This seemed to quell Jared's embarrassment. Or maybe he was more flustered than ever and his brain was melting from sensory overload. He really couldn't tell, and to be honest it didn't really matter either.
He was finally able to get the buttons and zipper undone calmly, because seriously they had been doing this for months and he was still acting like a naïve teenager when it came to sex.
Before Jared could go any further he heard Austin let out a deep sigh. Great what'd he mess up this time?
"What is it?"
"I think we left the lube in the living room boxes."
Jared let out a similarly disappointed sigh.
"We could just go in dry?" Austin suggested.
Jared knew that he was just kidding, but damn that thought made him shudder. Especially since he was usually the one on bottom.
"I don't feel like getting blood and semen on our brand new sheets," Jared replied, "I'll just run and get it."
He hopped to his feet and ran- literally -into the hallway to get the lubricant.
"Ouch, fuck, shit!" He screeched on his way back in. Austin turned his head just in time to see Jared hop back through the doorway, a little triforce piece sticking out of his heel. If at all possible Austin's devilish smirk grew wider.
"You know, I assumed you could make it three feet without getting skewered like a little kid" He mocked.
"I blame you for not unpacking the bedroom stuff earlier today," Jared managed to hop to the bed and sit down.
"I had to go out! Besides, you were home most of the day," Austin shot back
"So were you!" Jared finally got up the courage to pull the damned thing out of his foot.
"Need a bandaid?"
Jared hissed in pain and threw the lube to the head of the bed and the shard into the garbage can. "It's not even that deep," He replied bitterly, "just painful."
"Want me to kiss it and make it better?"
Jared threw a pillow at Austin's face, "Just shut up and let me suck you off already"
"Will do, honey,"
Bastard was lucky Jared didn't have any more expendable pillows. Instead he just huffed and turned away from Austin.
"Oh come on baby you know I didn't mean it," Austin crawled up behind Jared, desperately trying to contain his laughter.
Jared only pouted at the half-assed apology, "You've wounded me, you know."
"I know, Jared."
"I don't know if I can ever recover from this grievance," He crossed his arms.
"Allow me to make it up to you," Austin draped his arms around Jared's neck from behind and rested his chin on Jared's head.
"I require only the loftiest of reparations. One million Rupees!"
"Gee, I dunno if I can cover that," Austin's hands drifted down toward the hem of Jared's tunic, "Perhaps I could do something else to repay you?"
Jared, once again, wriggled out of Austin's grasp, "Oooooooh no, you are not doing all of the work this time!"
"Well then," Austin, for the third time already, flopped onto his back, "I am but your humble servant. Do with me as you please, oh Hero of Hyrule."
Jared looked down at the green tunic he was wearing, suddenly aware of how in-the-way it was. He quickly pulled it over his head and tossed in one of those directions. Who cared which one, it wasn't restricting him from Austin-contact anymore and that's all that really matters, right?
"So if I'm Link does that make you Zelda?"
"No. Don't you know Link never gets laid?"
"Riiiiiiight. Poor bastard." Jared hooked his thumbs in Austin's still undone pants and pulled them off. Their fate was remarkably similar to Jared's tunic. After Austin's jeans were properly disposed of Jared went after his shirt.
"This seems like the least essential item to get off of me at the moment," Austin pointed out when Jared reached for the hem of his shirt, "Considering what's about to happen."
"It's going to come of anyways. Wouldn't want you ruining your shirt, now would we?"
"Wouldn't get ruined if you swallowed, wuss."
Jared rolled his eyes and "accidentally" got Austin's shirt tangled up around his head.
"Alright Jared, stop yanking me around," Austin's muffled voice came from under the twisted up shirt.
"I'm soooooo sorry," Jared put on his fake concerned voice, "It's just soooooo tangled."
Eventually Jared decided to get serious and pull the shirt off of Austin's head.
"You're really killing the mood you worked so hard to set up," Austin groaned
"You started it, jerk."
The shirt followed all of the other clothes into the dark abyss known as the floor. Jared planted a quick kiss on Austin's lips before he went in for the boxers. He, somehow, managed to get them off without too much incident.
"Wow looks like you managed to get one thing off without-" Austin's snarky bullshit was cut off when he felt Jared's hot mouth envelop the head of his dick. He worked his expert tongue and mouth around his lover until Austin came into his mouth.
Jared spit it out, as per usual.
"Why don't you ever swallow?" Austin asked, "It's pretty hot."
"Austin I swear to god I don't care how many pornos tell you it's great," Jared wiped one of the corner of his mouth between sentences, "your load does not taste like strawberries and magic."
Austin clicked his tongue, "You don't even know what magic tastes like."
"It sure as hell doesn't taste like your semen."
He shrugged in response, "I swallow yours,"
"And we have that many more tissues in the house because of it," Jared jokingly pointed out.
"Is this witty banter leading to something?"
"Just waiting for you to get it back up," Jared replied with a wink.
A moment passed. The comfortable silence was broken a whole fifteen seconds later by Austin.
"You ever thought about trying BDSM?"
"Stop reading Fifty Shades of Grey, it's melting your mind," Jared shot back.
Austin glanced at the nightstand where he hid his guilty pleasure, "I'm serious man; it might be fun to try something new!"
"Absolutely not," Jared vigorously shook his head, "And this is our worst pillow talk, by far."
"Come oooon why noooot?" Austin whined.
"I bruise way too easily for that shit."
"Who said you'd be the sub?"
Jared quirked an eyebrow, clearly interested now. "We'll talk about this later."
Jared grasped Austin's partially hard dick and pumped it a few times to get him hard again, and to stop him from launching into an overly excited explanation of all the toys and tools they could use.
"No… Fair…" Austin managed to gasp out.
"You gonna fuck me or what?"
Austin quickly pounced on Jared and pinned him on his back with his hands over his head. He leaned in for a heated kiss. One hand kept Jared's wrists in place, and the other hand reached toward the head of the bed for the lube that had been discarded there previously.
The two finally shut the hell up and got down to business. Their lips crashed back together, and Austin slowly worked his member into Jared's freshly lubed asshole. After what felt like an agonizing amount of time Austin was fully sheathed.
"I don't care how many times we do this," Jared muttered under his breath, "It always hurts like a bitch."
"Well I'm soooorry my cock is so large and pleasurable," Austin was really pushing his luck here today.
Jared rolled his eyes so hard he swore they almost fell out of his head, "Somebody is tooting their own horn a lot today."
"Wouldn't be saying it if it weren't true!" Austin exclaimed, "You ready for me to move yet?"
Jared nodded and Austin didn't waste a second getting their pace going. The rhythmic slapping of skin and soft moans resounded off of their barren walls. Fingers and tongues traversed over skin and through hair.
It could have been an eternity later for either of the two lovers (but it was probably more like three or four minutes because human anatomy is both cruel and merciful), but Austin finally reached his orgasm and released his load into his lover. Another few pumps of his hand and Jared got off as well.
After they had both reached their release they collapsed onto the bed and cuddled. Austin wrapped his arms around Jared's tranquil form and nuzzled his face into Jared's neck. They both drifted off to sleep.
Austin was sitting in their freshly unpacked living room with his laptop resting on his lap. His fingers were dancing across the keyboard.
Jared peeked into the living room from their kitchen.
"Austin!" He yelled once he saw the smirk on Austin's face, "Are you posting our sexual escapades on the internet again?!"
Austin slammed the computer shut, "Nooooooooooooo…"
A/N: I know this was, like, 98% sarcastic banter and 2% gay sex. I didn't have my sarcasm filter with me when I wrote this one. Hope y'all enjoyed at least. Please leave a review if you hate me and want me to take this down or something. Or if you want to say something nice. Either one works I suppose.