Characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto, creator of Naruto. Please enjoy!
Also, this work is part of a series… If you like it, keep your eyes open for the next part!
Kakashi watched from his perch in the tree as the three new genin candidates stood panting in the middle of the training field, their faces drawn in awe and shock at the blur that sped around the ground. This year's crop seemed different from the last; one seemed to have more determination than the others, one was a stoic dojutsu user, but it seemed that even his family dojutsu hadn't prepared him for this challenge. The girl just seemed completely overwhelmed, but after a quick glance at her new teammates, tried to shore up her determination as well. Kakashi chuckled, thinking this group may be the one that passes. Failure wasn't ever the desired outcome, but when the job you were selecting them for was literally life or death, you had to be harsh. After all, now that Kakashi was older, he recognized that the ones that passed were actually the ones that were losing the lottery. They were the ones that would likely lose all that they held dear: friends, family, teammates, even themselves. 'Shinobi' wasn't exactly a career that inspired self-importance, or even survival, for that matter; the mission always came first, even at the cost of your life.
He dragged himself out of his depressing internal monologue, sitting up straighter as the green blur slowed to a stop. As soon as he slowed enough to be seen, the genin pounced, all giving it their all. The dojutsu user activated his Byakugan, the girl threw three kunai with surprising accuracy, and the determined thick-browed boy threw himself at their new teacher. Gai laughed as he spun around the training ground, easily avoiding their attacks. "I am sure you can do better than that, my youthful students! Come now, give me everything you've got!" he cried, as he dodged the Hyuga's impressively advanced Gentle Fist. The Hyuga scowled as he followed his new teacher's movements.
The thick-browed boy was throwing his body around with enthusiasm, but in a very crude and undignified manner that Gai's graceful movements easily countered. The girl remained in the middle of the field for the most part, throwing weapons at him. Kakashi wondered if she desired to train as a med-ninja; it would explain why she focused on long-range attacks and stayed away from her opponent. Gai allowed this to continue for a little longer, only nearly missing a Gentle Fist from the Hyuga at one point, but escaping at the last minute with a breathless little laugh that Kakashi found incredibly sexy. It made him think of other sounds he loved to hear from Gai…
When Gai announced that he wanted his students to come at him with one last attack, they were all standing on the side of the field opposite him, panting. He opened his arms as if to make himself vulnerable, and Kakashi held his breath for a moment, wondering if the man had lost his mind, but all three children were too tired to do anything but stumble over to him and place weak fists against his chest. He laughed before enveloping them all in a hug, surprising them. The Hyuga attempted to squirm out of his grasp (why you'd ever want to escape Gai's strong arms was a mystery to Kakashi), the girl wrinkled her nose in disgust (probably because the unfortunate child was sandwiched between her two sweaty teammates and pulled tightly against her slightly-less-sweaty new sensei), and the third simply burst into tears when Gai proclaimed in his booming voice that they had passed.
After Gai had excused his new students, with instructions to meet early the next morning, he stood smiling after them in the middle of the training ground as he watched them trudge home. He gave a satisfied sigh, letting his arms fall to his sides before calling out to Kakashi. Kakashi smiled to himself as he hopped down from the tree, his hands sliding into his pockets as his shoulders hunched, sauntering over to the man. Even from here, he could smell his musk, but rather than be disgusted, Kakashi was turned on. He knew it was a little wrong, but he always had been a little odd, especially in terms of who he chose to be his lovers.
Gai raised a large eyebrow at him. "So, you've been watching for a while… I take it your team didn't do so well?" he asked, looking disapproving. Gai's opinion of how a teacher should influence their students was very different from Kakashi's (as shown by the fact that this team Gai just passed was the first he'd ever been given; the one Kakashi had failed today had been his third). Gai thought Kakashi was just being too harsh on them. He had even once accused Kakashi of simply being too lazy to do the work, to which Kakashi had responded with irritation.
"Maa, they just aren't ready for the challenges of shinobi life," Kakashi drawled.
Gai frowned, and opened his mouth to say something until he noticed the sun setting behind Kakashi's head. "Would you look at the time? Dearest Rival, while I would love to stay and participate in a challenge of youthful enthusiasm, I am afraid I have to leave. I have plans tonight, and with the time it will take me to get home, I may be late as is…"
Kakashi let out a small laugh. "Got a hot date tonight, huh?" he teased.
Gai squirmed uncomfortably, looking at the ground. "…as a matter of fact, I do…" he said quietly.
Kakashi's eye widened a fraction before he forced himself to hide his surprise. "Oh… well, that's, uh, great… Good for you," he said, though his stomach twisted in knots at the thought.
Gai nodded awkwardly, before clearing his throat and gesturing vaguely over his shoulder with a thumb. "Yes, well… I should get going… I'll, uh, see you around, Kakashi…" he said quietly.
Kakashi swallowed hard, only able to nod in response. Gai turned and walked away, and Kakashi couldn't help but stare at his fine physique as it retreated and think of his regrets. He missed the days when the date Gai was on would have been with him. Where they would grab dinner together, maybe some drinks, and the night would inevitably end with them tangled up in the sheets at whoever's apartment happened to be closer that night, panting and sweaty. The nights where he had every right to touch Gai in all the ways he wanted, in all the ways he knew Gai loved.
The nights before he ruined everything. Kakashi still remembered that night in perfect detail. Gai sat on the couch, staring at the floor between his feet. Kakashi had apologized as much as he was able before a hot ball of shame and pain closed up his throat, and his speech choked off with unintelligible garble. He remembered watching Gai's tears fall silently, learning that night that when Gai cried soundlessly, that was when the man was truly hurting and lost.
They had sat in silence for what felt like hours in Gai's apartment, Kakashi not knowing if he was expected to leave or stay. He had just been about to get up when Gai had croaked out, "Why?"
Kakashi found himself torn, realizing that every answer he had wasn't good enough. Because the mission was hard. Because he hated the job that he was starting to think he needed despite his dislike of the things it did to him as a person. Or, worst of all, because he was there. Because in that moment, Kakashi had needed comfort, and the warm body wrapped around him had made him feel like he wasn't a monster, like he was good for things other than killing.
But at the same time, he couldn't say he didn't know. Because he did. He knew that he had done it because the death and torment around him had made him feel more like a weapon than a person. Because Tenzo had understood, had been on that mission with him. Tenzo had the same horrors in his past now, and they had commiserated together. Because when all you can see is blood and all you can smell is the acrid perfume of death, sometimes you need to find something that reminds you you're alive, despite the fact that you feel the pain of your victims in your very soul.
And, as much as he hated to admit it (and never would to the Beast; it wasn't worth hurting him more), Kakashi knew he had done it because Gai didn't understand. Gai COULDN'T understand what they went through as ANBU, he and Tenzo. Gai had even tried to join ANBU, and had been turned down because he 'lacked the required darkness'. And Kakashi hated to agree, but he did. He remembered that when Gai had finally told him that he had asked to follow him into ANBU, Kakashi had been glad that Gai had been turned down. Gai's soul was too pure, his heart and intention too good. Kakashi was grateful that there was a part of his life that had been left out of that darkness that had taken hold of him when he was much too young to comprehend the path he had been forced down, a part that still tried to make him see the light where he usually didn't think any existed.
But he found he couldn't bring himself to say any of that. He couldn't tell Gai that the reason he couldn't bring THAT part of himself to Gai was because he didn't want to corrupt the last good thing he had. So he had lied, knowing that the words he was saying would be the nail in the coffin of the only happiness he had ever truly found for himself. He spoke tonelessly, quietly. "Because the mission was hard."
Gai scoffed. "Are you kidding me?!" he asked, his voice rising. "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!" Kakashi flinched as Gai started shouting, tears still flowing down his face.
"I LOVE YOU, YOU STUPID MORON! I love you, and you go and do this!? HOW COULD YOU DO THIS, KAKASHI?! I thought…" Gai sniffled, laughing at himself. "I thought we had something…"
Kakashi swallowed hard, unable to look at Gai. "He's… he's one of my ANBU subordinates…" he said quietly, intentionally not commenting on any of the other things Gai asked.
Gai shook his head, turning around as he tried to compose himself. After a few minutes, he turned his head almost imperceptibly. "I think…" he started out shakily. Kakashi heard him heave a deep breath before continuing. "I think you should leave now…"
Kakashi had swallowed hard, his eyes burning with the tears that were fighting to escape, but he fought them back valiantly. He stood, nodding even though he knew Gai couldn't see him, and walked to the door. He paused with his hand on the knob, half-turned. A single tear slid out as he forced out the words. "I'm sorry, Gai…"and with that, he was gone.
He had heard Gai's sobs pick up in earnest as he leaned against the outside of the apartment door, and he squeezed his eyes shut, forcing himself to leave before he did something he regretted. He ran home, finally allowing his emotions to be released only after slipping through the safety of his living room window and closing and locking it behind him. Tears streamed down his face as lightning flashed throughout the room, bright enough that rumors circulated the next day about the lightning storm that couldn't be seen in the sky, but lit the village. When he was finally done, his body and throat felt drier than the Sahara, and his apartment was destroyed, everything he owned either torn apart, scorched, or shattered. Even the picture of Team Minato sported a crack in the frame, the corner of the glass beneath missing. When he was done, he collapsed onto his bed, singed stuffing poofing out in a cloud around him from the giant tear his Chidori had dealt. His body racked with dry sobs, but he had no more moisture to give. He slept uneasily that night, and the next morning, the first thing he had done was to head out.
Kakashi shook his head, a lump forming in his throat as he remembered one of the worst nights of his life. Despite all the tragedy he had seen, he still regarded that as the night he had truly lost everything. The next morning, he had gone to the Hokage Tower and requested a solo mission, a long one. The one he had been sent on was grueling, and it was two months before he had returned to the village. He had avoided Gai the first week back, and when they finally had met up again, it had been obvious to Kakashi that his assumption about their relationship was correct. Gai was having coffee with another man, laughing and touching his hand playfully. When the man had left, Gai had finally registered his surrounding, and his smile had become hollow when he had seen Kakashi.
Still, Gai had swallowed hard and made his way over to Kakashi, looking nervous. "Rival, I… how are you?" he asked, his voice tremulous.
Kakashi shrugged, his hands disappearing into his pockets. Gai nodded, steeling himself. "Right. And how… how are your ANBU comrades?" It was clear what he was really asking. Kakashi cringed internally, realizing that with Gai unaware of where he had gone, it was likely he suspected that Kakashi had spent these past two months with Tenzo. No wonder he was on a date himself…
Kakashi shrugged again. "Don't know. Just got back from a two month long solo mission earlier this week. Sandaime has me on mandatory vacation for two weeks due to the length of the mission."
Gai's eyes widened, and he seemed regretful. "I… I see…" he said quietly. "So you… you weren't…"
Kakashi's throat constricted, but he nodded and managed a quiet no. Gai shook his head remorsefully. "Rival, I…"
Kakashi shook his head, looking past Gai. "It's fine, Gai…" he said curtly. "I get it."
He turned his eye to the man and forced a smile. Gai opened his mouth to say something, but Kakashi commented quietly, "It was good seeing you, Gai."
He turned to leave, but as he did, he heard a whispered response behind him. "You, too, Kakashi… I was worried about you…"
It had been a turning point in his life, but not for the better. Kakashi had thrown himself into his work, losing his consideration for whether he lived or died. He became reckless, going on mission after mission with minimal recovery time. He had given up his homey, two-bedroom apartment and finally given in to getting a furnished dorm-style room in the ANBU barracks, a choice made easier by the fact that he had already destroyed everything he owned. The only things he had brought with him from his apartment to his 'cell', as he called it, were the picture of Team Minato and a green shuriken-printed blanket, a gift from Gai that he hadn't been able to bring himself to part with. Despite the fact that it was for a double bed, like he had at his apartment, and he now only had a twin, he still used it every night he was 'home', even in the summer when it was hottest. The benefits of the cell fit his new lifestyle. He no longer had to cook or clean, as all that was done for him by the barracks staff. And if he did die, the issue of what to do with his things would be easy; there was no one to want them, so they would just have to take the two personal items and throw them away.
His friendship with Gai had not been so cut and dry. After a few months, Gai seemed to have recovered from his heartbreak. If he were being honest, Kakashi would have to admit that that had hurt worse, thinking that Gai had moved on so easily. The little time Kakashi spent in the village after that, Gai was always tracking him down, challenging him the same way he had before their relationship. It had hurt and angered Kakashi, so he started avoiding the man. When he couldn't, he would often bury his nose in a book and pretend he didn't hear him. Unfortunately for him, the book he happened to have been reading at the time was one that was less than appropriate for public, but the damage had been done, and he had quickly learned that it was an effective conversation repellent. He had watched the light slowly dim in Gai's eyes each time he rejected him, and it made his heart ache, but he couldn't bear to be anything less than what they had been now that he knew what he was missing.
He had seen Gai's concern for him grow, had heard rumors as he stealthily passed by the dango shop in which Kurenai, Anko, Asuma, and Gai often gathered, with the enthusiastic man trying to convince them that they needed to help him, to get him out of ANBU. He paused just long enough to hear the others' hesitation; he could tell that they agreed with Gai that ANBU wasn't good for Kakashi, but at the same time, they all said something about how this was what Kakashi had chosen. Asuma even went as far as saying that while they were his 'friends', though Kakashi honestly couldn't remember the last time he had spoken to any of them except Gai, Kakashi had every right to manage his career the way he wanted, and who were they to stand in his way? Kakashi had silently thanked Asuma as he moved on to the Hokage Tower to get an assignment to yet another life-threatening mission, just three days off his last, where he had pointedly ignored the concern in the Sandaime's eyes as he stood at full alert in front of his team.
He had even tried to move on, as he knew Gai had. He had seen him with other men, though how long he had been with them, Kakashi was never sure; he wasn't in the village often or long enough to really keep up-to-date on local happenings. He and Tenzo had hooked up a few more times, though it hadn't taken him long to break things off. He had felt he was leading the younger man on, and it was becoming clear that Tenzo wanted more. Kakashi just didn't think he was capable of giving him that. Anything after that were one-night stands, people who Kakashi knew could handle aloof attachment. People who wouldn't have to miss him when he died.
This lack of connection to other people only fueled the downward spiral that anyone watching knew was leading right to his death. Kakashi watched the concern grow, even in the eyes of his ANBU teammates, who put themselves in the same risky situations as him. However, he knew they saw the difference; they valued their own lives, he did not. Why should he, when he had nothing left to live for? He knew that Gai was sneaking around behind his back, doing everything he could to try to reach Kakashi with growing desperation. His challenge attempts became more frequent, and he would frequently leave gifts or notes for Kakashi that would often be left on Kakashi's door for weeks or even months with no one inside to retrieve them. Often, Kakashi would come home from long missions to a small pile of gifts beside the door, the entirety of the wooden surfaced covered with notes taped one over the other. Gai quickly learned that any gift should not be perishable, as there was never a guarantee as to when Kakashi would be home to receive it.
Gai had even taking to hounding the Sandaime, requesting Kakashi's removal from ANBU. Kakashi had learned this only through his own surveillance skills, overhearing several conversations between Gai, nearly in tears, and the Sandaime's comforting voice, laced with concern and the distinct air of indecision; the Sandaime was concerned enough that he chose to leave Gai's requests out anytime he spoke with Kakashi, but at the same time, wasn't sure that being forced out of ANBU was going to do more good than harm.
Gai had also enlisted all of Kakashi's other 'friends' to invite him out, engage him in public when they saw him, anything to try and bring him back from the pit of darkness that had swallowed him. Kakashi ignored their attempts, and noticed that only then did they start to actually seem to care about Gai's plan. The more he ignored everyone, the more they bugged him. Eventually, it got to the point where Kurenai and Asuma went with Gai to appeal to the Sandaime, and even his teammates were more concerned than helpful, and that was when the real problems had started, in Kakashi's mind. Sandaime had started asking him how he felt before and after every mission, eventually requiring him to go to mandatory counseling (which Kakashi promptly ignored until he was threatened with suspension, and when he did attend, laid on the therapist's couch and slept or read his book, ignoring them).
When that hadn't helped, Sandaime had finally granted Gai's wish, pulling the plug on Kakashi's ANBU career, claiming that he was needed more as a jonin sensei. Kakashi had seen right through that ruse, and had been furious. He had been grateful that the team he had been given were amore fit to be fairy princesses than genin, giving him a legitimate excuse to fail them and therefore have another year of unhindered missions (albeit, not the ones he wanted). He had taken as many dangerous solo missions as he had been allowed, and tried to maintain his lifestyle.
It was difficult, as he was forced to move to a jonin barracks after his admittedly ceremonious ousting from the ANBU. Not that it was necessarily a problem for him, as the tiny cell in which he had lived the minimal time he spent in the village had never felt any more like home than the many camps he would make on any given mission, but it was annoying. The jonin barracks was more suited to people who spent more time there than the typical ANBU. The rooms had more of a homey feel to them, trading in sterile and bare black-and-white décor for colorful furnishings and carefully selected home décor items, most of which Kakashi stuffed vengefully in the closet his first night there, along with his shuriken-print blanket. He had refused to sleep with that reminder of Gai's affection for him which, while once appreciated, now had taken away the only thing he had left: the likelihood that his death, at least, would mean something.
The staff also liked to get chatty with the residents, something Kakashi actively discouraged. The only saving grace was that, because of the nature of jonin vs. ANBU, his neighbors here changed more frequently, many of them getting a place with their lover to further their family. In the ANBU, the only time he had ever lost a neighbor was when one of them died, and even then, the process to move a new one in had been nothing. None of them really owned much of anything personal, usually a few items with sentimental value. If the shinobi had had family alive, it was usually given to them; more often than not, it was left to be thrown away by the new tenant.
After learning of the change in his employment status, Gai had tried to approach Kakashi right away. He had shown up, giant grin on his face, and challenged Kakashi in the middle of the street. Kakashi had looked Gai right in the eye, his face cold, and disappeared in a cloud of smoke, missing Gai's hurt expression. He had proceeded to ignore Gai for months, dodging him anytime he sensed his presence in the vicinity and simply ignoring him when he couldn't. Yet, to his credit, Gai never had given up. He continued to try, despite the hurt that he felt at each new rejection, always seeming to think that the next time, things would be different.
Eventually, though, Kakashi had given in to the charming smile that never failed to melt the walls he had built around his heart. The first challenge he had accepted since the end of their relationship was nearly four years after the last that they had had, but still, Gai remembered their tally like it was yesterday. Kakashi would always remember the beaming smile, the twinkle that returned to Gai's eye after so long when Kakashi had finally asked him what the challenge would be. Slowly, their relationship seemed to return to normal to an outsider, and even Gai didn't seem to notice it, but Kakashi still felt the heaviness of the difference between what they had now and what he desperately wished they had never lost. They had been maintaining this empty friendship for a year now, and Kakashi had even become involved with his other friends, as well, though they weren't as good at hiding their discomfort at being around him again as Gai was. They always watched him as though he were a panicked deer, ready to skitter away at the first sight of danger, and it annoyed him. He did eventually become genuinely close with Anko, largely because she understood what the others did not. Others treated her differently, as well, due to the abuse she had suffered at the hands of Orochimaru. They simply didn't know what to say to either her or Kakashi, and that similarity had led to an understanding of each other that had led the pair to drunkenly fall into bed together on more than one occasion. It wasn't romantic for either of them; merely scratching an itch with someone who got it, who wasn't going to want any more than this.
Kakashi still remembered, however, the day about five months ago when Gai had discovered the two of them in bed together. Kakashi hadn't even been aware Gai knew where he lived (apparently, his friend Genma had let slip that Kakashi lived on his floor), and Kakashi had awoken to a hungover Anko's startled shout (that she insists to this day was NOT a scream). He had opened his eyes to see Gai standing at the foot of his bed, staring hopelessly at the pair desperately tangled in an effort to stay on the small bed throughout the night, stuttering apologies. He had slipped back out the door just as a pillow flew threw the air and hit the solid wood with a 'thwump', and Anko collapsed back on the bed, groaning. "He's gonna hate me now, isn't he?" she had asked.
Kakashi had turned to her, shocked. "Wha… why would he hate you?" he asked, cursing his hungover brain.
Anko had just looked at him like all of his brains had leaked out onto his pillow overnight. "Anyone with a half a brain can see he's in love with you, ya moron," she had said, accompanied with a smack to the side of his head. "Why don't you do something about THAT instead of banging me so you don't have to get involved?"
She had refused to sleep with him again or a while, insisting that he should be with Gai, until finally Kakashi broke down and told her the story of their relationship while they were drunk. Anko had told him that sucked, but it had been nice to have someone understand his side, and it had led to a reoccurrence of their nighttime rendezvous'. In fact, they still saw each other on occasion, though Anko was currently trying to pursue something with another jonin, so Kakashi had been finding random men and women to sate his need. Gai had never again tried to make a surprise visit to Kakashi's, and in fact, had only been back once by invitation while Kakashi went to get something, hovering awkwardly in the doorway while he waited and pointedly avoiding looking at the bed, though whether he wanted to push Kakashi onto it or simply didn't want to remember the last thing he had seen Kakashi doing on that bed, Kakashi didn't know. However, Kakashi forced himself to be happy with the piece of Gai he got to have now, and forced the thought of Gai shoving him down on that bed out of his head, knowing it wouldn't happen.
Now, as he stood watching Gai retreat on his way to another date with yet another man who would get to have what Kakashi had lost the right to, Kakashi couldn't help but think about his regrets. What if he had just been honest with Gai at the time, even if he had been scared? What if he hadn't taken that mission? Did Gai try to find him, try to patch up their relationship only to find he had been abandoned? Kakashi swallowed hard around the things that could have been, and wiped away a tear.
He headed towards the place where he did all his best thinking, the place where most of his regrets were remembered. He supposed it was time to finally put this one to rest…