The Oops Differential Prologue J. Franklin
THE OOPS DIFFERENTIAL
PROLOGUE
(SCENE: The boys' apartment. HOWARD is seated at his laptop. RAJ is looking over his shoulder. SHELDON is in the kitchen. LEONARD enters)
LEONARD: Hey, guys.
SHELDON: Hi, Leonard.
(RAJ and HOWARD do not respond.)
LEONARD: What, you guys are too good to say hi to me now?
HOWARD: (Not looking up) Can't right now. I'm trying to focus on flying a miniaturized observational platform above the city.
LEONARD: You're trying to do what?
HOWARD: (Still focused on computer) Miniaturized observational platform. Ever since the government cut the research budget, my boss has told me I have to switch gears to make my research more "taxpayer friendly."
RAJ: Because outer space toilets don't quite resonate with people the way spy cameras do.
LEONARD: You're making spy cameras?
HOWARD: (Grinning) Actually, even better than that! Take a look! (Points to screen) Raj and I have created a miniaturized camera and mounted it inside a life-like replica of a dragonfly. And the best part is it's flown from the university control room, but we can pilot it remotely over the Internet from here!
LEONARD: (Looks over his shoulder) Wow. That is impressive.
RAJ: You should have seen the look on people's faces when he began piloting it from Starbucks!
LEONARD: (Squints) Hey, isn't that our building right now?
HOWARD: (Quietly) Yep.
LEONARD: And…isn't that…Penny…sunbathing on the rooftop?
HOWARD: Yep.
LEONARD: (Adjusting glasses) And…isn't she…topless?
HOWARD: (Nods. Takes deep breath) Yep. Houston, we have launch!
LEONARD: (Aghast but not taking his eyes off the screen) Don't you guys think this is a little creepy?
RAJ: You're watching along with us.
LEONARD: Yeah, but she's my girlfriend! (Forces himself to turn away) This is too much like, I don't know, stalking!
RAJ: (Defensive) No, it's not! It's only stalking when you're caught! (Quiet voice) Trust me, I know.
HOWARD: And besides, what's the harm? She doesn't know!
LEONARD: (Turns back to him) Really? No harm? What do you think Bernadette would say if she saw what you were doing?
HOWARD: On the contrary, she told me before she went out of town that I could have as many two-dimensional women as I wanted!
RAJ: (Becomes concerned looking at laptop) Howard?
HOWARD: (Ignoring him) Besides, this is just a scientific test of the dragonfly cam! It's all for legitimate scientific research! The fact that Penny just happens to be sunbathing when we fly by is just a happy coincidence.
LEONARD: (Skeptical) Really? How long have you had it hovering over the building?
HOWARD: I don't know. Five, ten minutes? (Shrugs) But still, it's no big deal!
RAJ: (Worried) Uh, Howard?
HOWARD: Even if Penny saw it, it's just a dragonfly. And if she were to figure it out, there's no way she could connect it to us!
RAJ: (Urgent) Howard!
HOWARD (Irritated) What?
RAJ: I think your two-dimensional woman is about to breathe some three-dimensional dragon fire!
HOWARD: (Looks down at laptop) What? (Freezes) Uh-oh.
LEONARD: What?
HOWARD: (Sitting down immediately) Houston, it looks as though our spy cam has been "made."
LEONARD: (Rushing back) You mean you've been spotted?
HOWARD: Yep! (Begins typing frantically) Time to return to base and discontinue flight experiment! (Turns to RAJ) Okay, go to the landing zone and wait for the dragonfly to land. I'll meet you outside by my scooter!
RAJ: Where's the landing zone?
HOWARD: (Shrugs) Up on the roof.
RAJ: The roof? How am I supposed to avoid Penny coming down the stairs?
HOWARD: I don't know! (Exasperated) I can't think of everything! Just go out in the hall and wait at the bottom of the next landing until she goes into her apartment. Then you can go up on the roof and collect the cam! (RAJ leaves)
LEONARD: What makes you so sure she's going to her apartment?
HOWARD: I don't know, but I'm not taking any chances. (Closes laptop)
LEONARD: What does that mean?
HOWARD: It means I'm getting the hell out of here and running away. (Bolts out the door)
LEONARD: (To Sheldon) Sheldon, why didn't you put a stop to this?
SHELDON: Because once more Koothrappali and Wolowitz were successfully able to pull the wool over my completely disinterested eyes.
(PENNY bursts in wearing a t-shirt and bikini bottom. She is furious.)
PENNY: WHERE ARE THEY?
LEONARD: Take it easy! What's the matter?
PENNY: I'll tell you what's the matter! Your two so-called friends are nothing more than a pair of perverts who were spying on me sunbathing up on the roof!
LEONARD: Wait – what makes you so sure?
SHELDON: Yes, what makes you sure it wasn't just an ordinary dragonfly buzzing around overhead?
PENNY: How'd you know about the dragonfly, Sheldon?
SHELDON (Pauses) Oops. (Turns to LEONARD) Guess I should have thought that one through a bit more carefully, shouldn't I?
LEONARD: (To PENNY) Well, wait a second. What makes you so sure it was Raj or Howard behind, well, whatever?
PENNY: (Furious) Because most dragonflies aren't a foot long and day-glow yellow; and they also don't hover directly over you for twenty minutes while you're topless!
SHELDON: (To LEONARD) I thought they said it was only for five minutes? (PENNY glares at him.) Oops. I did it again, didn't I?
PENNY: (Disbelief) Really? I cannot believe this. All of you are just disgusting.
LEONARD: Well, hold on. What makes you so sure Raj and Howard were behind whatever – you know – uh, happened?
PENNY: (Glares at him) Who else would it be?
SHELDON: Well, wait a moment! Koothrappali and Wolowitz aren't even here!
LEONARD: Yeah! He's right! I mean, you can check the entire apartment if you want!
PENNY: (Smirks) Oh, really? Then whose helmet is that by the door?
(Cut to: Howard's helmet by the door.)
LEONARD: Oops.
(PENNY storms over to stand in front of HOWARD's helmet. Slowly, the door opens just enough and we see HOWARD's hand reaching for it. PENNY grabs him and pulls him into the apartment.)
PENNY: Caught you, you dirty son of a bitch!
HOWARD: (Tumbling into the room. PENNY slams door behind him and moves to the side.) Wait a second! Caught me for what?! I just came back to get my helmet that I forgot!
PENNY: Yeah, right. You and your Indian boyfriend were spying on me with your little camera device disguised as a dragonfly!
HOWARD: (Defensive) I don't know what you're talking about! I don't know anything about any dragonfly devices!
(The door flies open. RAJ enters but does not see PENNY since she is standing off to the side. He is holding a one-foot long yellow metallic insect.)
RAJ: I got it! It's all fine! And Penny was nowhere in sight! (Stops. Everyone glares at him.) She's standing right behind me, isn't she? (Everyone nods. He slowly turns and sees her glaring at him and turns back to the guys). Okay, now it is stalking!
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