A short, humorous piece I wrote about a year or two ago for a challenge on a forum I frequent. Figured it would be better here than lying dead in my hard drive. :)

Disclaimer: All characters, terms and settings you recognise are copyrighted content of J.K. Rowling's. I'm just playing around with them and have no intention to profit from her work in any way. Some of the characters are my own.

EXCERPT FROM VOYAGES WITH VAMPIRES, BY GILDEROY LOCKHART

The sun was slipping beneath the horizon and dusk was rapidly approaching when we decided to abandon the journey for the night. Although the idea of falling asleep, unconscious and unaware, in the company of two vampires that were at present walking beside me would seem ludicrous and unbelievably dangerous to some , I felt at the time that I had gained enough trust in both my blood-hungry friends. Indeed, I never felt a single stab of fear or anxiety, but of course, at the time I was completely unaware of the consequential events that were about to follow which would put my life in the greatest mortal peril I had yet had to face.

We settled down in a thick groove of trees, which would provide us sufficient shelter in case it rained (as the weather seemed to indicate that it would). I was, of course, planning to use a Sheltering charm on my sleeping bag just in case, but as a matter of extended courtesy, I performed the charm on my companions as well. They seemed impressed with my charming skills, which was not very unexpected or unusual for me because I was used to people envying my talents and abilities. I merely nodded humbly in acceptance of their thanks and settled down under my reasonably comfortable quilt.

It was a slight whisper that awoke me from my deep slumber, a ruffling of grass that indicated some kind of motion was taking place towards my right. I lay still, trying to ascertain what exactly was going on. Slowly I peeked an eye open to see my vampirical companions whispering something to each other. I recognised the danger signs almost immediately – their restlessness, that hungry glint in their eyes (which was noticeable even in the dimming light), their pale and drawn faces. They were hungry. The thought hit me like a running train and panic descended upon me as I silently cursed myself for believing that they wouldn't harm me.

However, even as I knew that I was outnumbered two to one, I took a grim satisfaction in the fact that I still possessed a wand, whereas they did not. At this, I calmed myself down, and fingered my wand (which was hidden in my shirt) silently thanking the heavens for blessing me with such remarkable defense skills that would certainly help me out of this sticky situation.

It was this train of reassuring thoughts invading my mind that distracted me enough to not notice that one of the vampires – Netopyr, his name was, most definitely Russian – inching towards me, obviously thinking I was fast asleep. It was until he opened his mouth to reveal his two long and yellowing canines that I sprang into action; bolting out of my sleeping bag, I held my wand ready, to defend myself against any unprecedented attack. Netopyr, who was taken aback at first by my sudden actions, smiled wickedly and moved in closer towards me, as a hungry vulture who has spotted its prey. I moved back slowly, knowing that an enraged vampire was the last thing I needed at the moment, keeping my eyes solely fixed on his as I tried to communicate that I did not intend to hurt him but would have to if he did not listen. 

But that hungry look in his eyes clearly said that he was above such compromises and negotiations; he bared his teeth again, his face the face of the devil.

I backed into the solid bark of a thick, woody tree, cornered and trapped. But as Netopyr continued to move in, I kept my wand poised and ready, giving him a threatening look which I was sure would make him rethink his options, and indeed, he faltered for a second, his eyes darting towards my wand. In that moment, when I had thought I had the upper hand on him, I felt a sudden, incredible blow to the right of my head, which shoved me right on the grassy ground, dizzy and confused for a moment. Even as I felt my wand being whipped from the tips of my fingers, I looked up and saw the second vampire – Savanovic – twirling my wand in his fingers and sneering at me.

By now I knew that I was in deep trouble, and if I did not think of something fast, I would soon be history. Netopyr and Savanovic were closing in at an alarming rate now, and I was feeling utterly helpless as I lay on my side on the ground, bloody and injured. It was then that a sudden stroke of inspiration owing to my pure intelligence struck me, but I pretended as if I was terrified of being trapped, which they so obviously wanted to see. I knew they were enjoying my apparent fear, and I decided to feed their sadistic streaks.

"Please," I begged, putting up the best of my acting ability, "Please let me go."

They laughed shrilly, and Netopyr smirked, "Let you go, Lockhart? We've been waiting for this opportunity for quite a while now."

"But – but I thought you weren't like the others," I stuttered, my brilliant acting obviously making a fool out of them utterly, "You didn't want to attack me when we were at your -"

Savanovic laughed again and cut in, "Oh, but that was just because we wanted you all to ourselves. You do know that sharing such a juicy piece of wizard such as you with one person is nothing compared to sharing them with all of my fellows now, don't you?"

"Hurry up with all the talking, Sava," Netopyr told his Serbian friend, "I'm sick of drinking Muggle blood – idiots don't even realise that vampires exist, so it's hard to make the meal drawn out. They pass out as soon as they see me, and that's no fun at all, is it now?"

He smiled widely at me, showing his fangs again and I complied with his wish, pretending to be scared out of my wits. But I was ready when they were nothing but a mere few feet away from me; putting out my leg, I hit them hard on the back of their knees and they fell on their bottoms. Before they could register what was happening, I snatched my wand from them. But when I turned it upon them, they were up on their feet again and moving rapidly towards me, teeth bared and looking ready to kill. In order to distract one of them and tackle the other (which was the brilliant plan I had come up with) I conjured a small mound of rice beside Savanovic's feet, which took his attention almost instantly.() I merely had a second to appreciate my extraordinary brain power and extensive background knowledge on dark creatures before turning onto Netopyr, whose nostrils were flaring and his pupils dilated as he proceeded to suck the life out of my body. In an instant, I shouted the Impedimenta curse and before he could reach me, he was sent flying onto the ground.

But he did not give up, even though he should have seen that my powers were immense and clearly more superior to his. I did not want to hurt him, seeing as that went against my noble nature, but I was more than ready to knock him out if he refused my gracious mercy. He tried to attack me again, and this time, he got even closer than I thought he would, his fangs snagging my robe before I conjured some garlic and pushed it in his face. I knew it was agony to him, which was why I had kept it as my last defense, but desperate situations call for desperate measures. He screamed at the smell of garlic overwhelming his nostrils as I conjured some thin, snake-like cords from the end of my wand and twisted them around Netopyr's mouth, wrists and ankle; he overbalanced and fell to the floor, incarcerated and unable to move.

Sighing in relief, I turned to Savanovic, who was still sitting near the mound of rice and counting them one by one, his attention having never wavered by the violent fight that had just taken place behind him. He remained oblivious and continued to count even as I moved towards him and tied him up with the same ropes that I had done with Netopyr.

It was when I was almost done clearing up the mess around me that I heard noises coming from the forest path which we had been following. I turned and saw a group of people – muggles probably – walking towards us. Hushed whispers abound as they took in the sight of the tied vampires and me (I had hidden my wand in my sleeve by now, of course). A bold man on the front asked, "Who are you? Why have you come here and what have you been doing?"

I realised that they were the members of the muggle village which had recently experienced some very violent kidnappings – rumours were abound that it was vampires that were attacking people and drawing them into the forest to feed themselves. I decided to tell them the truth, and before long, I had an eager audience as I explained that I had just captured two vampires who were most definitely the reason behind the tragedies in the village. It did not take long to convince them (I never mentioned the magic part of it, but my wonderful abilities as an orator helped cover up all the missing explanations).

I captured the vampires and handed them over to the wizarding authorities who would take care of the rest, and the muggles, delighted by my generous and selfless contribution to their safety, invited me to their village and treated me like a honourable and revered guest. I stayed for two days with all the comforts in the world – wholesome food to eat, a comfortable bed, great sights and smells – but before long, I had to take leave of their hospitality. After all, my voyage with the vampires was yet to be completed.

()Chinese narratives state that if a vampire comes across a sack of rice, s/he will have to count all of the grains. There are similar myths recorded on the Indian Subcontinent. South American tales of witches and other sorts of evil or mischievous spirits or beings have a similar aspect to it.