Title: The Emperor's New Clothes
Author: ILB (or an ardent rain)
Chapter: Picking at Threads (1/?)
Disclaimer: I do not own.
Rating: an overall PG-13
Pairing: Rayne
Set: post-BDM, in the "Suitor"-verse
Summary: River and Jayne are together and have been successfully keeping that from the rest of the crew. What happens when Simon, usually the least likely to notice, is the only one who sees what's really going on?

This follows "The Reluctant Suitor" and "An Undisclosed Courtship", but is completely stand-alone.

-A/N: Yup, I'm starting another one. Naughty, I know. Heh heh. I still plan to finish my other fics, but this idea-bug bit me and wouldn't let go. I like this chapter a lot, and I've already started on the next. There'll be a one-shot (Simon and Kaylee's wedding) that takes place between "Courtship" and this story, but I only have about a sixth of it written. Anyway, enjoy everyone!

One: Picking at Threads

Simon knew he was staring, but he couldn't help himself. She had the loveliest mouth he'd ever seen in his life, and he found it nearly impossible to drag his eyes away.

"Simon? Ya listenin' honey? Look like somethin' has your brain whirlin'."

Oh, she was beautiful when he was being inattentive. "Wha… I'm sorry, Kaylee, you're right; it seems I let my thoughts run off with my ears. What did you say?"

She grinned at him and gave his cheek a soft pat. "It don't matter none, bao bei. I was just goin' on about what happened when I was watchin' Bonny. She's just the little spittin' image o' Zoe, and the cutest thing I ever seen." She sighed melodramatically and let her eyes flicker between his and the floor. "Almost makes me wish we had a few more babies on the ship."

He laughed. "You know, River said the same thing to me a few days ago. I had no idea you two liked children so much."

"Simon…" She crossed her arms over her chest and sighed.

"What is it?" He was genuinely confused; he didn't think he'd said anything to upset her. "Did I…"

"No, ain't nothin' you did, Simon. I'm gonna go back to the engine room – make sure my girl's doin' all right. Y'know, I care 'bout Serenity almost like she was my own kin, almost like I'm sorta her mother."

Simon smiled warmly. "No one would argue with you there, Kaylee. Your mechanical genius is something we all rely on – and we all appreciate it. Very much." He leaned over and gave her cheek a quick, soft kiss, hoping to assuage any insecurities she might have been having about how much she was valued. They couldn't fly without her and he resolved to let no one forget it.

But instead of returning the gesture, Kaylee just rolled her eyes and said, "G'bye, Simon. I'll see you at dinner, okay darlin'?"

"O-okay, Kaylee." He watched her walk off, still unsure why she seemed displeased.

"You're a boob, Simon."

"River?" He whirled around to see his sister standing there with an exasperated look, her arms crossed, something wadded up in one hand. "Oh… hello mei mei." He looked back in the direction Kaylee had gone. "I… " With a frown, he switched his gaze back to River. "I don't understand. What did I do?"

"Your Kaylee-shine wants a whelp. Time for the Simon-flower to pollinate."

His eyes widened and his arms came up, hands flailing. "Is Kaylee… B-but she can't be pregnant, I'm her doctor, I would know."

"No, not pregnant yet. But wants to be. You are the only one who does not know – and you have assiduously ignored all hinting."

Well that wasn't exactly fair – he hadn't even known they'd been hinting, and if Kaylee wanted to start having children all she had to do was say so.

He started to respond, but just then Jayne came tromping towards them. "Hey River! I – " He stopped short when he saw Simon and the neutral expression he'd been wearing faded into something much angrier. "You," he said, pointing towards the doctor. "You keep Crazy here away from me 'n all my things. Gorram girl took m'damn hat again." He glared. "And she probably got my bunk all… infested. Y'know – with her crazy germs."

"Jayne…" Simon let out a breath, not up to dealing with the mercenary's mad notions. He shook his head and turned to River. "You really shouldn't antagonize him, you know." Simon didn't really like Jayne, but the large man had proven his usefulness time and again – and they were crew. Family. Jayne was rather like the large, slightly dim-witted cousin one picked on but couldn't really hate.

"Ape-man should make an effort to be a less appealing target." River grinned at her brother then stuck her tongue out at Jayne.

"Hey," he said defensively, "ain't my fault I's all appealin' to you. You jus' watch yourself, girl. I ain't in any sorta mood to deal with your craziness."

"Are you ever in a mood to deal with her, Jayne?"

That earned Simon his own glare. "You watch it, too, Doc." He crossed his arms and stood up straighter, trying his best to increase his already enormous intimidation factor.

And it worked. Simon cleared his throat. "River… Did you, in fact, steal Jayne's hat?"

She grinned, wearing the bright orange hat with obvious glee. "No."

"Why you… Gorramit, girl, you give that back!"

"Catch me!" River said with a laugh, pushing past her brother and scampering off.

Jayne was wearing a wide grin, his annoyance from only a second earlier apparently forgotten. "You best run fast, little girl," he called, giving chase. "I aim to swipe it right off your little feng le head."

"That was… interesting," Simon muttered to himself, deciding to go to the infirmary and take another inventory – there didn't seem to be anything else to do for the time being. His sister certainly could be a brat. But… something about the exchange struck him as odd, though he couldn't quite put his finger on what. At the very least, he needed to talk to River about going into others' rooms. Especially Jayne's.

A day or two later, Simon noticed something else strange about River in regards to the big gun-hand. They were spending more time together than they ever had previously, and they were spending more time together than they were with anyone else. It was a little unsettling, but not anything Simon couldn't handle. They both smiled more, and both seemed in better moods, but with River's newfound stability that wasn't a significant change. It was the looks that Simon minded.

The way Jayne would glance at her out of the corner of his eye and smile to himself. Or the way River would stare after him when he walked out of a room. Little things – but they spelled out something that had Simon donning the gauntlet of brotherly paranoia, preparing for something big.

He went to Kaylee first.

His wife, while a bit naïve, seemed far more perceptive when it came to people than he could ever be. He cautiously approached the engine room, seeing her sitting on the floor humming along to a song on her little handheld player.

"Kaylee?"

"Oh hiya, Simon! What is it, honey? Don't usually see you 'round here."

That was true; the whirling mechanical bits unnerved him. But he returned her luminous smile, settling down on the floor beside her. The others were out on a job (and Inara was off on business), and it seemed the perfect time to broach the subject. "Kaylee, I… I'd like to ask your opinion of something."

"Well go right ahead, darlin'. What is it?"

He looked to the side, one hand pulling a little on his ear. "W-well… It's about River." At her worried look, he said, "Oh, no, no! She's perfectly fine; her condition is stable and I think she's still making progress. It's more… Well, it's more of a… A matter of…. A personal matter."

"Personal matter?" She cocked her head a little, looking adorably confused. "Whatcha mean?"

Simon cleared his throat. "I've noticed – just lately, the past three days or so – that River's spending a lot of time… with Jayne." He paused, waiting for her reaction. There wasn't one. "Jayne," he reiterated. "My sister – my formerly unstable sister – is spending time with a man who not only hated her, but made no secret of the fact he wanted her off the ship. The same man she once attacked with a large knife. Jayne."

Kaylee just laughed merrily. "Oh, I know y'don't think too highly o' Jayne, but I wouldn't worry none 'bout him and River. They's just gettin' along, is all. Maybe they're bondin' over the crime they do together. Maybe they're friends! Oh, wouldn't that just be so cute?"

As his wife squealed happily over the thought, Simon could only smile wryly. "I… Do you really think Jayne could be friends with a woman – have a true friendship, I mean – without… expecting anything else from her?"

Kaylee frowned. "Now Simon, don't go sayin' nothin' like that about Jayne. He treats me jus' like a little sister. An' him and Zoe – well, they don't get along all the time – but they got a lot in common. An' no 'ffence to River, but I don't think she's really Jayne's type."

"I suppose you're right." He stroked her hair and said, "I worry too much, don't I?"

"You surely do, Simon Tam!" she announced proudly, giving his shoulder a playful little punch. "But that's why we love you."

Kaylee's words appeased him for a time, but on a trip planet-side, all his concerns came back full force. The whole crew, minus Zoe and Inara, were out and about on Persephone and hadn't yet split up. Simon stopped momentarily to look through a window at some oddly shaped glass baubles, letting the others walk on in front of him. When he turned back, planning to rejoin them, he saw Jayne and River trailing behind the rest, side by side, the man's large hand resting on the girl's lower back. And it was drifting lower.

His immediate response was one of shock, and hardly able to believe his eyes he looked down to the dusty ground, blinking hard to rid himself of the disconcerting image. After a few seconds he looked up again. There were too many people between him and the rest of Serenity's crew – he could see the top of Jayne's head, but not River's.

He let out a breath. "That's it! I really am going mad."

For the rest of the trip, Simon remained preoccupied. Kaylee tried to coax him into a less reticent mood, but he remained immovably solemn. There were plenty of explanations for what he'd seen, but none of them made him feel any better.

But maybe Jayne had just been helping to guide her. Kaylee had said Jayne treated her like a younger sister; it wouldn't be out of the realm of possibility to assume that he was merely behaving similarly towards River. In fact, that made perfect sense. A somewhat annoying – and in River's case, most definitely bratty – younger woman that, though one might not always tolerate, one always cared for and protected: a sister. That seemed to define the odd relationship in a way that did not make Simon want to shoot anyone.

And that's what he kept telling himself. The looks between them continued. He watched both closely, but besides the smiles and the glances, nothing pointed to anything untoward or at all non-platonic. He saw them on the catwalk, standing together laughing. River twirled away, and Jayne would reach after her. She let him catch her and pull her to his chest before she would twirl back out again. Even to Simon's less than perceptive eyes, it looked like an excuse to embrace, but when he called up to her, asking what was going on, River said it was some sort of game. So he ignored the niggling feeling that told him it was more.

And he kept ignoring it. They still sniped and sneered, but if one just exercised a little imagination, nearly every conversation they had could be construed as flirtatious. Simon resolutely closed his ears. And though River possessed almost preternatural grace, it wasn't completely inconceivable that she would bump into Jayne. Often. Simon pretended he didn't see. No one else seemed to have noticed anything strange, so it seemed that maybe he was correct in attributing it all to his imagination. After all, he was probably the least likely to notice even if anything were there.

After a job, however, he finally got the proof that he'd been so desperately hoping didn't exist.

To his surprise, there weren't any injuries that needed patching up. The captain had been right; River proved to be an amazing asset – since she'd been helping out, Mal hadn't gotten shot, stabbed, or captured and tortured even once. There had been an unfortunate incident involving a poisonous salamander and copious vomiting, but when Simon had questioned her about it, River had only said the captain had deserved it.

He watched with a slight smile as they all trooped from the hold to the galley. "Hey ev'ryone!" Kaylee said happily. She had one hand on her belly and one hand on the spoon stirring a big pot of what Simon hoped was more than just protein. Ever since he'd realized - or, more accurately, been told - that she wanted to start having children, they'd been trying. Nightly. And she was always convinced that they'd gotten her pregnant.

"Hello Kaylee," River answered cheerily. "Your glow has stretched spherically." She gave Simon a distinctly cheeky grin. "Big brother has been busy."

He blushed crimson and Kaylee gasped, letting the spoon fall. "Oh, River, ya mean it? Can you... Can you sense a li'l baby in me yet?"

River shook her head. "Nothing but your own rays. Frye-Tam amalgamation waits for more opportune time to emerge."

Kaylee nodded, the "nothing" enough to clarify. "Ahh well," she said, her spirits undampened. "Guess we'll have to keep tryin'."

"Another baby?" Mal complained, taking his usual seat. "Little Kaylee, I'm not sure my boat's big enough for another toddlin', throwin' up, whiny little bundle o' joy."

"Oh, come on, Cap'n," the mechanic wheedled. "I seen ya lovin' on Bonny. Wouldn't it be nice t'have another? She could call ya Uncle Mal!"

Mal put up a good front, but his blustering fooled no one. They all smiled and both Zoe and Inara wished Kaylee the best of luck with her plans for motherhood. She gushed and thanked them, of course, and everyone was in high spirits.

Everyone except Jayne, whose mood seemed to be blacker than usual. Kaylee pointed a chopstick at him and said, "Jayne, you been lookin' like somebody done stole Vera ever since y'all came in from the job. Now you better tell us what's wrong right now."

Zoe sighed. "He's still pissed at River."

"River," Simon said worriedly. "Why? What happened? Did - "

"Don't worry about it, Doc," Jayne said levelly. "Ain't no reason to be concerned. Your crazy sister was jus' bein' stupid, takin' risks that - "

"That insured the success of the job," River interrupted. "Did calculations - chance of good outcome far outweighed chance of failure."

"Yeah, well... Were still a stupid thing t'do. You coulda got hurt and then that woulda... you know, distracted Mal 'cause he gets all fidgety when crew gets hurt, an' we mighta lost the whole take." He looked over at her, his eyes hard. "An' you know how I hate losin' som'thin' - 'specially when I just got it."

Mal sighed. "He's been whinin' since it happened," he said to the table at large. "An' while I gotta agree that it was risky, not a thing went bad an' we got paid." He looked over at Jayne. "So just get over it quick, Jayne, 'less you plan to be the new psychic-genius for us."

River giggled. "Genius-Jayne, mercenary and madman."

He just grunted. The rest of them, as they were all so wont to do, ignored his dark mood, but Simon couldn't help noticing the way Jayne's eyes would flick over to River. Concerned about getting paid, he'd said. It seemed that Jayne had been more worried about the possibility of River getting hurt, especially since he had "just got" her.

The thought did not sit well with her older brother.

Resolving to seek out a little more advice, Simon next went to the people likely to know Jayne best: Zoe and Mal. They were both on the bridge later that night and gathering his courage, he approached.

"Evenin' doc," Zoe said, her tone pleasant and friendly.

"Oh, um... good evening. I... I have something I'd like to talk about. With the both of you."

Mal turned his attention to Simon. "Oh? And what might that be?"

He swallowed. "It's... Well, Jayne. A-and River."

Mal smirked. "Well. Was wond'rin' when you'd notice."

Simon gaped. "Y-you mean... You see it, too? It's not my imagination?"

"Nope. Clear as glass." Even Zoe nodded, and though he felt an odd sort of gratification to know he'd been right, he couldn't help but wonder why neither of them seemed concerned.

"But... Are you okay with this? You don't find it at all unsettling?"

"Can't say I'm exceptionally pleased," Zoe told him, "but considering, ain't really all that surprisin'."

"Not surprising?" He stared at her incredulously. "I find the notion a bit shocking."

"Doc, Jayne's got a thing big as the whole 'verse for weapons. Your sister is a weapon. Ain't too surprising to me they'd fall into bein' friends."

"Friends," Simon repeated. Is that what they thought?

"Know you don't much like Jayne," Mal put in. Simon rolled his eyes. Did everyone feel the need to remind him of that? "But deep down he ain't all that bad. He sees a thing as his: his gun, his money, his friend - he'll go outta his way t'keep it safe. It's weird, for certain, but they ain't tryin' to kill each other, so I don't much plan to interfere."

"But... It's Jayne. Don't you think he may try - "

Zoe cut him off with a stern look. "Ain't never seen him lay an improper hand on the girl. If he tried to do wrong by her, you can be sure Captain or I'd put a bullet to him quick."

Mal snorted in dry amusement. "Think he'd sooner invite me to his bunk than your sister, doc."

Simon frowned and shook his head. "I... Captain..." He sighed. It wasn't just paranoia - he was certain of that. There was something more than friendship there. He decided to broach the topic of Jayne's concern from the job. "Don't you think it was odd how worried Jayne was tonight? He claimed to have been concerned about his pay, but in the end he received that in full. It appeared to me that what really bothered him was River putting herself in danger."

"What?" Mal laughed. "I'll grant ya that he mighta been a little worried over our little witch, but Jayne don't really do concerned. An' if he was, do you really think he'd think to hide it?"

He wasn't hiding it! That was Simon's whole point! "Captain, I - "

"You sure you ain't just imaginin' something that ain't there?" Zoe asked him. "We all know how much you care for River, an' maybe her friendship with another man - an older man - is a mite threatening."

Simon smiled and exchanged a look with Mal. "Only one Captain-Daddy here," Mal said proudly.

"Yes," Simon agreed. "River's even tried to convince me to think of Mal the same way."

"Yup. Every time the doc gets to bein' ornery, li'l Albatross assures me it's just a phase. Tells me I... Now what's she say? That 'er 'Simon-flower' gotta get used to his blossom."

Zoe rolled her eyes and smiled indulgently at the two men.

It seemed a futile task to press further on the issue, and bringing up any more precise suspicions would probably only cause problems. So Simon kept his mouth shut, hoping that whatever was going on between his sister and the large man would fade.

He kept a close eye on both of them. River seemed to be aware of the scrutiny, but he concealed the reason for it from her as well as he could; she didn't read minds anymore - her mental walls blocked out anything specific, but she could Read waves of strong feelings, so Simon would consciously project light suspicion and brotherly concern, never actually letting anything solidify in his mind.

And had he not been diligently watching them he never would have noticed, but their body language had changed as well. They were more comfortable with each other, almost as though their surrounding spaces had merged. Simon felt sick. Previously, Jayne would keep his eyes on her, getting uncomfortable if she ever came too close. Now, he seemed more comfortable with River close to him. And... there were the touches. The first time he'd seen it the spike of alarm had drawn River's notice, and they'd been more careful. But that hadn't lasted long, and soon they were back to the casual brushes, letting hands linger, and even, if they felt particularly daring, a quick caress.

But no one - no one! - seemed to notice. They weren't overt about it, that was true, but to any intelligent observer (and Simon had spent a great deal of time observing), there seemed to be only one explanation.

That didn't stop Simon from trying to come up with others, though. He had mulled it over for a few days after an incident involving a few heated glances and the two disappearing for an hour or so. There were only so many things that they could be doing.

No matter how much he wished that it was only his imagination, there were too many signs telling him otherwise. Whatever the nature of the relationship between them, there was an element - recent or old - of the sexual in it.

Simon had tried talking to Kaylee - honest and optimistic who knew people better than he did. Then Mal and Zoe, both well-acquainted with Jayne's idiosyncrasies. None of them had done much to assuage his worry. Now, having to face the idea that his young, brain-damaged - if brilliant - sister was sexually active, he realized there was one opinion he'd neglected to obtain.

Inara's.

Surely she knew what was going on. She had been trained in recognizing attraction, reading body language - her entire career was based on sexual comfort. If she hadn't noticed anything, then maybe he really had just imagined it all.

"Yes, actually," Inara said temperately, "I have noticed something different about their dynamic."

Simon swallowed. "Oh, y-you... You have?"

She nodded. "Yes. And I didn't want to say anything to you, so really I'm a bit relieved you brought it up." She gave him a small smile. "I know you care for River, but... Perhaps it's time to allow her to spread her wings a little. She is becoming more aware of her body, of herself as a sexual being. I've seen her dancing in front of Jayne, gauging his reactions. She enjoys bothering him. I do not think Jayne has much restraint, and I think River enjoys the attention. But, as clearly you have noted, the attentions of a man like Jayne are not what a brother would like his sister to have."

Simon just nodded, not quite sure of her point. "That's correct. I'm... unsettled."

"Before he acts on the urges she's inspiring, perhaps it would be prudent to introduce her to other options."

"Before he acts? S-so you don't think - "

"No. I don't believe that anything has happened. River does not necessarily want Jayne; I think she is merely seeking male attention. She wants very badly to be normal, and most normal girls desire flirtations and attention from a boy. Jayne is easy to manipulate and from what I've seen she is simply taking advantage of that for her own benefit."

"Oh. Then you don't... You don't think she cares for him? That their relationship has progressed to... to an actual relationship?"

Inara shook her head. "No, I don't think it has. Certainly they're more comfortable with each other and I would certainly believe they've cobbled together some odd sort of frienship, but I'm skeptical that it's gone any farther than that." She gave him a half-grin. "Do you really think River could thrive in a relationship with someone like Jayne?"

"No. And that... that's what worries me." Simon looked down at his cup of tea. So not even Inara believed it was possible River and Jayne were - for lack of any more appropriate terms - dating. He wanted to swear.

"As I said, Simon, perhaps it would be best if you let her explore other options. There are plenty of appropriate young men in the 'verse, though I admit we don't meet all that many. A male Companion is always an option, as well."

"Yes, I... Well I appreciate the advice Inara and I shall certainly take it to heart." She nodded. "Now if you'll excuse me, I think I need to... go find Kaylee."

Feeling no better about the situation, he stepped out of the shuttle.

And saw his sister, down in the hold, legs wrapped around Jayne, sitting on a crate. "Hadn't got to have a taste o' you all day, baby girl," the big man growled. "We got time?"

"I... Mmm." River shivered a little, pressing closer. Simon felt nauseous. "Can't sense them when brain is filled with Jayne. Kaylee with her girl, warrior and whelp in slumber, Captain can be avoided, Simon-flower still in shuttle with the best of dark and bright."

"That's 'Nara, right? From that poem you was readin' me."

"Very good, Jayne," River said, kissing his cheek. "You are a star pupil. Would you like a reward?"

"Hell yes, baby girl, I'm more'n ready to be... rewarded."

River chuckled and after pressing a hard kiss to her mouth, Jayne carried her away. No doubt off to his bunk.

Simon shook a little, unnerved by such clear evidence of what everyone kept telling him didn't exist. He sighed. "It... Fuck."

-End A/N: Thanks for reading, everyone! I hope you enjoyed it; don't forget to review! Also, check out my LJ community acidandink (link in my profile) for drabbles, almost all of "Throwing Pearls at Swine" chapter 3 and a few new one-shots.