Amu is still a child. In many ways she is still growing. Her body lengthening and developing. Her brain growing and she still has so much to learn. But in many ways shes not. In the way she sometimes curls into herself in order to mask the pain. In the way she suffers through everything she feels, in order to help her family. Especially with the way thats shes become so accustomed to sacrifice.
Shes still innocent. In the way she blushes at everything Ikuto says and the way she still has meaningless crushes. Crushes that won't even matter to her in another few years. But shes not in the way she knows sacrifice. In the way its etched into her very soul to give up for people. In the way she smiles gently and gives Ami the last plate of food. In the way she withholds her tears and smiles dazzlingly at Tadase when he talks about his new girlfriend.
Is it okay if I talk about her Amu?
Of course...But she lies awake for nights after. Twirling strands of hair around her fingers and wincing as they get stuck. Pulling slightly at her hair. She doesn't cry though. Because even though shes still a child, she knows it does no good to cry. She sits in numb misery, occasionally looking up from her bed and practicing smiling in the mirror.
She knows thats a thing she needs. To be able to smile and play it off as if everything is okay. Pretend...I'm the perfect older sister. Sacrifice is key in being an older sister. I am the perfect friend. Sacrifice is key in being a friend. I am the perfect daughter. I must sacrifice my parents' attention so they may give it to my sister.
She is still a child in the way she screams in the dead of the night. Letting out all her frustration and resenting everyone. Her mother and father for paying more attention to Ami. Tadase for not loving her like she loves him. Her friends for not even noticing her despair. And Ikuto for never being there. For always leaving with a flick of his claws. For giving her conflicted feelings. She is not a child in the way she screams into her pillow. Respectful of the fact that her parents are sleeping and Ami is sleeping. They don't want to be bothered by her screams. She is not a child for noticing that Tadase doesn't love her. For noticing that he loves another. Not keeping up delusions. She is not a child in the way she notices that her friends have their own problems and they don't need to be burdened by hers.
She is a child in the moments when she vehemently denies loving Ikuto. When, even with a blush, and a bitter taste in her mouth, she states. "Why would I? Hes nothing but a perverted cat."
She is not a child when she goes home at nights and stares up at the ceiling thinking of Ikuto. Because hes not a pervert. Hes a complex cat, with many issues and he understands sacrifice. She thinks about how not sleazy and disgusting he is. How pretty he really is. How his navy hair is always smooth. How his eyes light up sometimes when he looks at those he cares about.
Amu is a child when she screams at Ikuto and blames him for her issues. Claiming that hes the reason she can't be with Tadase. That he distracts her, keeps her from finding a way to be with him. Blames him for diverting her attention and manipulating her with his false words and flirty smiles. She is too much of a child. When she breaks and sobs, trying so hard to push herself into a ball, but not succeeding.
She is not a child. She doesn't feel like a child when he crowds close to her and grabs her. Locking velvet soft eyes with her own blurry ones. She is not a child when he kisses her and whispers endearments. Saying how sorry he is.
Staring into her eyes and his own eyes are blurry and then he says. "I can't help but love you…"
She is a child when she tries to push him away, tries to curl herself into a ball. Tries to deny it but hes relentless. Keeping her arms pinned down and only staring. His eyes soft and wide. Vulnerable
She is not a child when she realizes. When she looks deep into his eyes and notices all the pain and love buried deep within. Its screaming and yelling at her and its overwhelming and so much. So much because shes still just a child. But shes not.
Because in that moment she makes another choice. One thats not born of sacrifice. Because she actually wants it too. One thats not born of obligation. Because she knows she doesn't have to. She sits up and pushes his hands to the side. Before she grabs him and pulls him close. Laying his head on her chest and stroking her hands through his hair.
Amu is still a child, but shes not a child either. She is both, but none. Because all that matters is that she can manipulate the 2 pieces until they click. And with a snap she has both. Amu's child side attached to Tadase. He was easy. Safe, she didn't love him. Not with as vulnerability as she loves Ikuto. Because Ikuto knows what sacrifice is. Hes dealt with sacrifice himself.
And so that night she had her soul laid more.
Amu is not vulnerable. She is strong, but she can be weak. And she cries because she hasn't in forever, and they hold each other.
Wrapped tight together and hugging. Which shouldn't feel as nice. As pleasant as it does because there are tears and sobs. It should be sad and it is. But its sweet too. And it feels safe. Vulnerable but strong. Selfish but selfless. Not sacrifice. But breaking down walls.