Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 6
EPISODE 7
Airdate: October 29, 2017
"Jaylynn the Satanist"
Special Guest Stars: Ariel Winter as Serenity, Kira Kosarin as Lynne
#TYH607
SCENE 1
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
The kids walk in the school one day and see Halloween decorations all over the hallway.
RK: What's going on here? Is the school having a live seance again?
WADE: No, Halloween's coming up, man.
RK: Oh yeah. I just remembered that Halloween's on a Tuesday this year. That will get the damn kids running towards the candy.
JAYLYNN: We're still trick-or-treating this year?
SPARKY: Of course we are. This is going to be the most candy we ever picked up.
BUSTER: Are we going to get Twix?
SPARKY: I wouldn't know, we would just get whatever they give us. I mean, I can't predict what we're going to get.
BUSTER: Can't you guess?
SPARKY: I really can't.
WADE: I created a map of all the houses in Seattle that are known for giving out large amounts of candy. I'm talking industry sized candy.
BUSTER: Wait, so we might get our hands on full size candy?
WADE: Full size? With this map, we'll be swimming in king size candy.
RK: No f***ing way, don't lie to me, man!
SPARKY: Wade, this map looks really detailed. How were you able to get this?
WADE: Well, it took some doing. Research, trips to strange neighborhoods, and lots of rat poison.
Beat.
WADE: It's a joke. I can make jokes too.
JAYLYNN: We should meet up tomorrow after school so we can discuss how we're going to do this.
RK: Why wouldn't we just meet up today after school?
Beat.
JAYLYNN: I like your idea better, let's go with yours.
SCENE 2
Northgate Community Center
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn pulls up to the center that same day with Anja in the passenger's seat.
ANJA: Thanks for the ride, man.
JAYLYNN: No problem, bro. Me and the guys carpool all the time.
ANJA: Is this really carpooling when you're not coming with me?
JAYLYNN: Hey, I don't have to do this every week, you know.
ANJA: Alright, keep your shirt on. I'm going to call you in an hour to pick me up. You sure you don't miss this place?
JAYLYNN: Nah, not really. Once I'm done with something, I'm done for good. Always forward I'm moving, never backwards, stupid. Here's another classic.
ANJA: The heck are you talking about?
JAYLYNN: I heard RK play this Nas song at his house one day. I just liked that line.
ANJA: You're like the girl version of them. I'll see you soon.
JAYLYNN: Alright, have fun. If anyone's bullying you, I'll come in there and beat their ass in a minute.
Anja gives Jaylynn a thumbs up as she walks into the center.
JAYLYNN: Am I like them? Eh, maybe. But now, I have an hour to kill. What to do, what to do? Jaylynn looks at the radio. Music!
Jaylynn turns on the radio and "Sorry Not Sorry" by Demi Lovato starts playing. Jaylynn is immediately disgusted and turns the radio off.
JAYLYNN: I didn't like this song, she was doing too much on it. Like I'm supposed to believe she's a savage. Come on, girl.
Jaylynn looks at the center and starts rubbing her chin.
JAYLYNN: I guess I could just walk in and check it out. Not like I have shit to do. Not like I ever have shit to do.
Jaylynn looks out the driver's window and sees a bewildered old man staring at her. The man shakes his head and walks away.
JAYLYNN: I really need to stop talking to myself.
SCENE 3
Northgate Community Center
Interior First Floor
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn is looking around at the various classes at Northgate.
JAYLYNN: This damn place can have a hair show and a gaming convention, but they can't even fix up the chipped paint?
Jaylynn stops at a black door with a sign that says "The Club of Darkness."
JAYLYNN: The Club of Darkness? That's the best they could do?
Jaylynn begins turning the doorknob when she stops herself.
JAYLYNN: Wait a minute. I've been here before. I should know better. You know what? I'm not getting sucked in this time.
Jaylynn begins leaving when an older woman opens the door.
SERENITY: Excuse me, little girl, did you want to come inside? I heard a jiggle.
JAYLYNN: Oh, no. I was just leaving.
SERENITY: That's too bad. We're having a meeting honoring our god.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, I'm not religious. Honestly, I'm not even sure if God is real.
SERENITY: Oh, not that God, a different God. He understands the key to salvation is power, and having control over your own life.
JAYLYNN: No god could have the answers like that.
SERENITY: We also have free snacks.
JAYLYNN: Why didn't you start with that, lady? Just let me grab a seat.
SERENITY: Splendid. My name is Serenity.
JAYLYNN: I love that name. My name's Jaylynn. Now where's that snack table?
SERENITY: This way, my son.
JAYLYNN: What?
Serenity leads Jaylynn into the dark room. Jaylynn is immediately startled by the blank, trance-like expressions on the faces of the club members.
JAYLYNN: Um, is everyone here high off their ass?
SERENITY: Heavens, no. They're just in deep thought.
JAYLYNN: Well, it looks like they all had a lobotomy or something. I'm just going to get some chips, maybe some crackers and shit.
Jaylynn walks over to the snack table and at that point, everyone slowly turns their heads towards her. Jaylynn does not notice for a few seconds, then her eyes widen and she turns around.
JAYLYNN: You know, this is like those movies right before they kill someone.
SERENITY: Oh, this is just their way of saying hello, Jaylynn. It's a mystical greeting from the underworld.
JAYLYNN: The underworld? What the hell is going on here?
Everyone gasps in shock and horror.
SERENITY: Jaylynn, I know you're new, so I'll just let you off with a warning, but we don't use the name of the devil's resting place in vain.
JAYLYNN: Oh my God. Is this a Satanist club?
MALE CLUB MEMBER: We prefer the term...students of Lucifer.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, I'm gonna die here.
SCENE 4
Northgate Community Center
Interior Club of Darkness Room
Seattle, Washington
JAYLYNN: This is insane! You guys worship the devil?
FEMALE CLUB MEMBER: You make it sound like there's something wrong with that.
JAYLYNN: That's because there is! It's the devil! Satan, the representation of everything evil in the world! You guys can't do this to yourselves!
SERENITY: Jaylynn, do you know how many people have come here with the same opinion as you, and ended up changing their minds?
JAYLYNN: Well, that's because they're idiots that can be persuaded by anything you give them. This is a bunch of brain dead zombies!
SERENITY: Just because we believe in Satan's teachings, doesn't make us any different than you. The Catholic church, Nation of Islam, Buddhists, we all have the same mindset.
JAYLYNN: I'm just gonna say that the Catholic church probably hates you for what you believe in.
SERENITY: Look, Jaylynn, the religion of Satanism is growing every day. That's because people here realize that the devil loves them no matter what. He's out here upset that more people aren't living for themselves and try to impress everyone they meet. You know how people say that only God can judge them? Satan doesn't. He just sees potential in everyone.
JAYLYNN: I just don't understand how you can go through life thinking that way.
Serenity puts her hand on Jaylynn's shoulder and looks her in the eye.
SERENITY: Jaylynn, are you happy with your life right now?
JAYLYNN: On a scale of what to what?
SERENITY: And do you sometimes feel like no one's looking out for you?
JAYLYNN: Well, kinda, but...
SERENITY: And do you believe it was your "destiny" that brought you here, or your agency?
At that point, Jaylynn starts having a blank stare.
JAYLYNN: Wow, um, I don't...I don't know what to say. Your voice, it's...it's so smooth. Like a soup made out of butter and syrup.
SERENITY: You should stay a while, Jaylynn. We're not here to judge. We love everyone who tries to get in touch with who they deserve to be.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, um, I think I should stay. I'll stay.
Jaylynn, with the blank stare and open mouth, pulls up a chair and sits down.
JAYLYNN: Please speak more, wise one.
SCENE 5
Northgate Community Center
Interior Club of Darkness Room
Seattle, Washington
The class begins leaving and Serenity sees all of them out. Jaylynn remains frozen in her seat.
SERENITY: Thank you all for coming, you were lovely. Remember, Satan loves all of you and he will never lead you astray.
Serenity closes the door and snaps her fingers, causing Jaylynn to scratch her head.
JAYLYNN: Wow, I was really out of it. That was amazing!
SERENITY: I told you that you would enjoy yourself here.
JAYLYNN: Enjoy myself? Dude, I felt like I was listening to Nirvana for the first time again. Everything makes so much sense. Satan's been running around trying to clean up God's mess for years and no one gives him the credit.
SERENITY: It's really something, huh? I remember I was lost like you a couple years ago. Then I found Satanism and I've never felt better. I help people get in touch with what they really want.
JAYLYNN: And you do such an amazing job. You speak so well, it's like I was hearing an angel talk.
Serenity looks at Jaylynn with confusion.
JAYLYNN: Sorry. It's just that...
SERENITY: Yeah, I know, the mainstream media has deified God, heaven, and angels as infallible creatures, right?
JAYLYNN: When you put it like that, I guess.
SERENITY: Listen, Jaylynn, I see something very special in you. Other people in this class don't stand out to me like you do. You have a beautiful mind and I want to see more of it.
JAYLYNN: That means so much. Um, I don't know if I can make it a lot of the time, but I can try.
SERENITY: Of course. And if you can, bring a friend so we can help them find their way too. The more, the merrier.
JAYLYNN: I can do that. My best friend would love this even more than me. Between the two of us, she's the confirmed ghost story and horror show addict.
SCENE 6
Cut to Jaylynn and Anja in the car.
ANJA: I'm none of those things! I've never watched a horror show in my life! Why would you lie about me deliberately?!
JAYLYNN: Technically, if I'm lying about someone, it's always deliberate.
ANJA: Jaylynn!
JAYLYNN: I'm sorry, but I had to lie. Serenity needs to know you're into it so you can get everything out of the club.
ANJA: I don't want anything out of the club! And you shouldn't, either. How are you going to explain being a devil worshipper to people?
JAYLYNN: I don't worship Satan. I respect his thoughts and views on society.
ANJA: You know, it's never too late for you to come back to poetry class.
JAYLYNN: Anja, you might think being a Satanist is a bad thing, but it's really underrated. The media just doesn't want you to know.
ANJA: Is the media going to force you to drink pig blood or dig up corpses just so you can dance with them?
JAYLYNN: Anja, that's silly. Satanism's more complex than that.
ANJA: Jaylynn, I think you joining that club is going to be the biggest mistake you ever make in your life.
JAYLYNN: You're so skeptical about everything. Look, why don't you follow me to the meeting next week? And if you still don't think it's a good idea, I'll leave for you.
ANJA: Really?
JAYLYNN: Hey, I can't have you be mad at me. You're part of my plan to get closer to Satan.
ANJA: I think I'll just walk the rest of the way home.
SCENE 7
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
The boys are all watching TV. Cut to the TV showing a Butterfinger commercial.
BUTTERFINGER BAR: You don't have to pick up a bag of Butterfinger for Halloween. Maybe your house looks good covered in toilet paper. Give those monsters what they want! Get your fingers on some Butterfinger!
BUSTER: I'm already going trick-or-treating for Butterfinger. Why the hell is this stupid chocolate bar telling me what to do?
SPARKY: Buster, that chocolate bar isn't real.
BUSTER: That doesn't change how pissed off I am.
RK: No one goes trick-or-treating looking for Butterfinger. It's all about Snickers and Crunch and 3 Musketeers.
BUSTER: Since when do people care about getting 3 Musketeers on Halloween?
RK: Since forever. Chocolate, whipped up marshmallow. It's the perfect candy.
SPARKY: I'm more of a Hershey's guy. But we won't know what we're getting until we get there. At least now, we know what neighborhood to start with.
BUSTER: Wade, are you sure other kids don't already have this idea?
WADE: Of course not. No one else we know has the skills or the determination to pinpoint exactly where to go and how to act in the other neighborhoods.
SPARKY: Honestly, as long as we don't get Tootsie Rolls, Dots, or Twizzlers, it will be the perfect night.
RK: Don't forget Baby Ruth.
SPARKY: Okay, you're going too far now.
Jaylynn slowly walks in and marches towards the couch.
RK: Where you been?
JAYLYNN: What are you talking about? I'm here for the meeting.
WADE: The meeting started two hours ago.
JAYLYNN: Oh no, really? I'm sorry, guys. If it means anything, it was all RK's fault.
RK: What do I have to do with this?
JAYLYNN: I mean, if you remembered to invite me, none of this would've happened.
RK: THE MEETING WAS YOUR IDEA!
SPARKY: Alright, enough of that. Jaylynn, we don't mind you not being here, but if you're just going to blow us off, at least let us know you're not trick-or-treating with us.
JAYLYNN: I am trick-or-treating with you guys. I've been psyched about this for weeks.
WADE: Then be here next time.
RK: Yeah, or else you won't even see Halloween after I'm done.
JAYLYNN: Okay, I deserve it. When's the next meeting?
BUSTER: Friday at my condo. We're going to talk about our costumes.
JAYLYNN: Then I'll be there. In fact, I'll be there early.
RK: There's no early. You're either there or you're not.
JAYLYNN: Damn, RK, I made a mistake.
RK: Oh, I'm just on a roll, I have to keep it going.
SCENE 8
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn finishes off her ice cream sundae a few days later and leaves her money on the table. She then makes her way out of the parlor.
JAYLYNN: See you later, Woody.
WOODY: Later, Jaylynn. Hey, just so you know...
JAYLYNN: Woody, I already know about your Bad Brains cover band.
WOODY: You're going to listen to our stuff on Soundcloud, right?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, but I have...things, other things, I'll listen to you guys. Okay?
WOODY: Every listener counts.
JAYLYNN: Uh huh.
Jaylynn leaves the parlor and ends up bumping into Serenity.
SERENITY: Jaylynn, my hell-spawned sister, how does it go?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, I'm not hell-spawned. You might wanna check how you're using words, man.
SERENITY: Oh, don't worry, it's a compliment. We're all the devil's children in some way.
JAYLYNN: Sure, if you only count my dad. But I'll see you next week.
SERENITY: Wait. Now that you're here, I think the two of us could talk more about the Dark Lord.
JAYLYNN: Look, Serenity, I like you a lot, but I have a busy afternoon. I'm hanging with my friends and they're counting on me to show up.
SERENITY: I understand, but do your friends realize the important role that Satan plays in your life now?
JAYLYNN: No, and I don't want them to. I already let them down once. I can't have them thinking I'm some kind of freak.
SERENITY: Why, because you're a Satanist?
JAYLYNN: Yeah.
Serenity growls and pushes Jaylynn against the wall of Ike's.
SERENITY: Listen to me, you disrespectful little f***. You will not speak ill of Lucifer's name this way. He does so much for you and he gets nothing in return. So watch your damn tongue!
JAYLYNN: Alright, alright. I'll go with you wherever you want.
SERENITY: Great. I didn't mean to lose my temper, but I just get so passionate when I talk about the devil. He saved my life.
JAYLYNN: If that's the case, I'm better off not knowing what your life was like before that.
SCENE 9
Ken Griffey Jr. Park
Interior Park Bench
Seattle, Washington
That afternoon, Serenity and Jaylynn sit down and look at people with disdain.
SERENITY: Look at that old man there. Why does he come to this park every day just to eat cookies? What does that do for his mind, his soul, his spirit?
JAYLYNN: You're such an amazing speaker. But don't you think that if we have the right to find our own path, these people have the right too?
SERENITY: You have a point there. I mean, how many years does he have left anyway?
JAYLYNN: Eh, I'm tired of looking at people with the stink face. Why are we here anyway?
SERENITY: I want you to see what it looks like to not know who you are. To not even understand yourself, to walk around a lifeless sack of nothing.
JAYLYNN: How do you know these people aren't happy with themselves?
SERENITY: Because they don't have Satan in their life. It makes me so sad when I hear about everybody praising these prophets and religious symbols that don't even give them what they want. Then when God or Buddha or whoever fails them, they lose their faith.
JAYLYNN: That's pretty sad, Renity.
SERENITY: I don't like going by pet names, Jaylynn.
JAYLYNN: Sorry, it's just this thing I do. You were saying?
SERENITY: Yeah, I was saying that I don't want you to end up like that, Jaylynn. The best part about Satanism is there's no mask. Everything is told how it is.
JAYLYNN: But why should I trust your word just because you say that?
Serenity grabs Jaylynn by her shoulders and looks into her eyes.
SERENITY: Jaylynn, I won't steer you wrong or lie to you. I only want what's best for you.
JAYLYNN: Wow, thanks. I don't think most people look out for me like that.
SERENITY: Well, it's different with me. I just want you to see that going after what you want and being honest with yourself can happen once you cover yourself in the proverbial goo of the devil's infinite wisdom.
JAYLYNN: So now what?
SERENITY: We start performing deeds in his name.
SCENE 10
The Hernandez Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn walks into the house late at night and yawns. She then pulls out her phone and tries to call Sparky. Cut to Sparky watching TV at his house. He checks his phone, sees that it is Jaylynn, and picks up.
SPARKY: Hello?
Jaylynn realizes she called by mistake and hangs up. Sparky shakes his head and goes back to watching TV. Jaylynn then begins to nap on the couch while sighing.
SCENE 11
Northgate Community Center
Interior Club of Darkness Room
Seattle, Washington
SERENITY: It is the magic of Satan that allows you to become one with Satan. He's not vengeful like some spirits I could name, but he is as generous and pleasant as they say those spirits are. The devil's alive, but he's alive to restore balance in a world that has become too dependent on false prophets.
ANJA: Jaylynn, she's amazing. I never thought I would ever hear someone care so much.
JAYLYNN: I know. She makes Satan sound like a great hero.
SERENITY: This weekend, we're all going to get in touch with the devil like we do every year before Halloween, and carry out his plan to educate those who don't know the truth about him and denounce him. I hope to see you all at the ice cream shop this Saturday at one.
MALE CLUB MEMBER: Is that AM or PM?
SERENITY: Are...are you serious right now? You're throwing off the mood!
At that point, members of the club begin leaving and Jaylynn and Anja remain in the same spot, still mesmerized by Serenity's speech.
ANJA: You know, Serenity, I was wrong about Satanism. Everything just seems to make sense when you talk about it.
SERENITY: I'm glad you feel that way. But I just wanted to know something very important.
ANJA: Okay, go ahead.
SERENITY: Why are you Muslim?
JAYLYNN: Whoa, coming in hot!
ANJA: Well, my parents are from Palestine and were raised Muslim, then me and my sister...
SERENITY: I don't know if you can be Muslim anymore.
ANJA: What? What are you talking about?
SERENITY: Look, Anja, this is a conflict of interest. You can't devote yourself to two completely different faiths. It's not fair to anyone else in the group.
ANJA: But you can't ask me to give up being a Muslim. That's ridiculous.
SERENITY: Are you sure you can handle being a Muslim Satanist?
ANJA: I like you, but I don't know about worshipping Satan. We just met.
Serenity looks Anja in her eyes and puts her hand on her shoulder.
SERENITY: Are you sure about that?
ANJA: I guess I could handle it. Who says it's impossible?
SERENITY: Of course, it's possible.
ANJA: Jaylynn, I'm scared, but that damn voice is so sweet!
JAYLYNN: You'll pull through.
SCENE 12
Seattle, Washington
("Disturbia" by Rihanna plays in the background)
A montage shows Serenity leading Jaylynn, Anja, and her followers around town carrying out Satan's wishes. Some of them involve giving Satanist pamphlets to uninterested strangers, and stalking random people with ancient chants until they fall victim to Serenity's shoulder touch and become a follower as well. Meanwhile, the boys try to reach Jaylynn on the phone, to no avail. Later on, the club gets a rented car and at that point, begin assaulting the driver wearing a cross necklace while they are in the car. They get out of the car near Bear Lake and then push the car into the lake with the driver inside, presumably killing him.
SCENE 13
The Hernandez Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
The boys are waiting patiently for Jaylynn that night.
SPARKY: Okay, so when she gets here, do we know what we're going to say?
BUSTER: Yup. Jaylynn, we all know you're going through problems, but it's time for you to lay off the crack.
Beat.
SPARKY: What?!
BUSTER: I thought this was an intervention for Jaylynn smoking crack.
SPARKY: Dude, why would you think that?
BUSTER: RK, you jackass, you need to stop texting me misleading information!
RK: Buster, you're only motivated to do something if I lie to you about it. That's more of a reflection of you than me.
Jaylynn and Anja walk in and are immediately disturbed.
ANJA: Jaylynn, what are they doing here?
JAYLYNN: I don't know. But this is what it usually looks like before a group murder.
SPARKY: Jaylynn, we didn't want to do this, but we're just really concerned about what you've been up to lately.
BUSTER: Yeah, you're not picking up your phone, you're ditching us over and over. If you're hanging out with four other boys, we want to know about it!
JAYLYNN: Guys, you wouldn't understand. Anja and I are just doing some different stuff right now.
WADE: Does that different stuff prevent you from going trick-or-treating with us?
JAYLYNN: That already happened?! How long have we been Satanists?
WADE: No, it hasn't, and how long have you guys been WHAT?!
JAYLYNN: See, I knew you would freak out.
ANJA: Jaylynn, they're normies. We can't judge them.
SPARKY: Wait a minute. You guys are Satanists?!
RK: We really need to start checking in on you more.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, we joined this Satanist group at the community center a few weeks ago. The devil's just as generous and important as anyone else.
WADE: The very personification of evil can't be good. It defeats the purpose of his existence?
ANJA: He only turned out that way because God was jealous of his knowledge and kicked him out.
BUSTER: So that's how it happened? No wonder that guy was so angry all these years.
SPARKY: I'm still trying to wrap my head around you guys worshipping Satan.
JAYLYNN: Our club leader explained it to us. It all makes sense after you hear her voice. It's so lovely.
ANJA: Yeah, it reminds me of my mother.
RK: You're Satanist now because someone...talked to you?!
ANJA: Well, it's okay because I'm still a Muslim too.
RK: How can you be a Muslim Satanist?! HOW THE F*** DOES THAT WORK?!
JAYLYNN: Could you guys calm down? Stop jumping down our throats!
SPARKY: We have to. You worship the devil now. The devil! You don't see a problem with that?!
BUSTER: Yeah, you guys could be possessed now or practice voodoo with paperclips or something.
JAYLYNN: We took a different spiritual path in life. We just want to take what we want and stop walking around empty and broken.
WADE: Jaylynn, this always happens. You get super involved in something, you think it's everything you've ever wanted, then you realize how much you hate it and bail on it. How is this any different? Are you trying to send a message to us?
JAYLYNN: Yeah. That the devil's alive and when he comes to send everybody to hell, Anja and I will be the only ones spared.
RK: Wait, but...if that's the devil's version of a rapture...shouldn't you guys be the only ones going to hell while we're left behind?
ANJA: RK, leave us alone. We don't have all the answers.
RK: It seems like you do. You and your little Bray Wyatt-ass religion.
JAYLYNN: Look, guys, I know this is a shock, but we can still be friends. Nothing has to change between us. I told you guys because I love you and I want you to learn to accept who I really am. And we can still go trick-or-treating just like we planned.
Beat.
RK: You really are smoking crack now, aren't you?
JAYLYNN: What?
SPARKY: Jaylynn, you blew us off multiple times, ignored us in school and stopped calling us because you love Satan now. You really think everything can stay the same?
JAYLYNN: Wait, so we're not trick-or-treating anymore? We can't do this, we've been planning for months!
WADE: We're still trick-or-treating. We're just not doing it with you.
BUSTER: Yeah, you heathen!
JAYLYNN: But...I've been looking forward to this for months. It's the first time we've all gone trick-or-treating together.
RK: We've done it without you and we'll continue to do it without you. Go ask Satan for some candy.
RK begins to leave, and Buster follows him.
BUSTER: You don't even deserve Tootsie Rolls on Halloween.
Wade and Sparky follow Buster out the door.
JAYLYNN: I can't believe you guys are making me choose.
SPARKY; I can't believe it even has to be a choice with you.
Sparky closes the door and Jaylynn starts crying.
ANJA: Jaylynn, it's okay. They just don't understand.
JAYLYNN: They hate me, Anja. They really hate me.
ANJA: Even if they do, it's their loss. This is what Serenity warned us about. People are going to make you feel bad for your choices, but it's only because they don't have that freedom.
JAYLYNN: Well, at least we have each other for Halloween. And the devil.
ANJA: Exactly. You know what Serenity gave me? It's this book on ancient Satanic secrets and rituals. We're going to use it on Halloween and scare people until they move out.
JAYLYNN: Is there anything here about putting on a white hat and cloak and assaulting people on the street?
ANJA: No.
JAYLYNN: Great. We're Satanists, not racists.
SCENE 14
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
It is now Halloween night and Sparky is preparing to leave. He is dressed like a vampire. At that point, Buster, RK, and Wade walk in. Buster is The Undertaker, RK is also a vampire, and Wade is wearing a skeleton bodysuit.
BUSTER: It's Candy Day.
WADE: Not trying to start an argument, but wouldn't it be Candy Night?
BUSTER: No, Wade, it really wouldn't.
SPARKY: Wow, this is, um...this is the laziest we've ever been with the costumes.
WADE: Well, we never really sat down to talk about it because of what was going on with Jaylynn.
SPARKY: RK, why are you the same thing as me?
RK: I'm a de-fanged vampire, Sparky. I'm trying to rebuild the vampire image here.
BUSTER: I wanted to be Danny Phantom, but once I realized I couldn't walk through walls, disappear, or fly, I just went with something more normal.
RK takes out a black bag with a red "X."
SPARKY: RK, what is that?
RK: You're asking a lot of questions tonight.
WADE: It's his prank bag. Everything he needs to scare people off.
RK: The best friend is right. A lot of people forget the "trick" part of Halloween. You really think I'm going to walk into a strange neighborhood empty-handed and just have a jolly old time? No! Halloween is serious f***ing work and I'm not about to get caught slipping out there.
SPARKY: Okay, okay, I get it. What do you even have in there?
RK: Oh, I have everything and the kitchen sink in here. Raw eggs, corner store toilet paper, water balloons, paint balloons, syrup balloons. Don't worry, everything is labeled and color-coded.
WADE: I'm glad you took my advice.
BUSTER: You know, even after all the junk that happened, I still miss Jaylynn. Can't we call her and fix everything?
SPARKY: I miss Jaylynn too, but she chose the devil over us. She pretty much sold her soul and we can't help her. There's nothing I can say to get through to her.
RK: Besides, she'll be fine. I mean, she killed two of her pen pals singlehandedly so this is nothing to her.
BUSTER: What are you talking about? I did that.
RK: Are you sure? That doesn't sound like you at all.
RK quickly glances at the camera, then back at the guys.
WADE: So we're going to get that candy, right?
SCENE 15
The Saleh Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Anja is reading the Satanist ritual book when Lynne walks in.
LYNNE: You and I need to talk.
ANJA: I can't. I have homework to do.
LYNNE: Do you really think I'm falling for that? Anja, how come you haven't called me or talked to me lately?
ANJA: Because I'm busy with other things right now. Maybe if you had friends, you would understand.
LYNNE: Yeah. Anja, this isn't you. You're changing, man. We haven't hung out in days, you hang up the phone on purpose, and whenever we do talk, you just say one sentence about Satan. I don't even know who you are anymore.
ANJA: Shut the f*** up.
Beat.
LYNNE: Excuse me?
ANJA: You heard me, bitch. Look, Lynne, I'm sick and tired of being the good girl all the time. Thanks to Serenity and the club, I feel empowered. I feel like I have control of my life now. I don't have to do what you or anyone else wants me to do. I can do it for me.
LYNNE: Serenity and the club? What the hell are you talking about?
ANJA: THAT'S IT!
At that point, Anja's eyes become red and fire is conjured from her hands.
LYNNE: Anja, I don't like that look on your face.
ANJA: BY THE DEVIL'S HANDS, I SENTENCE YOU TO A LIFE OF TORMENT OF MISERY! I'LL SEE YOU IN HELL, LYNNE SALEH!
Lynne tries to run away but Anja uses her newfound powers to make Lynne levitate and toss her into the door, breaking it off from its hinges and causing Lynne to roll off the steps and land unconscious on the ground below. Anja dusts off her shoulders and then leaves after stepping on Lynne.
SCENE 16
Seattle, Washington
The boys are in one of the neighborhoods known for large amounts of candy when they notice that there are several other kids walking around them.
BUSTER: I thought this was a gated community. Why are they letting in all the riff raff?
RK: The riff raff?
BUSTER: Yeah, the undesirables. I went through the dictionary last week to impress you guys, what do you think?
WADE: Not bad, actually. But you're right. There are way too many kids here. This is far beyond my projections.
SPARKY: Should we split up?
WADE: I think so. If anyone tries to snatch our candy, we'll be sitting ducks as a team. Best to pool our resources and go solo.
RK: Okay, but I don't want any of us to catch a beatdown here. These kids are crazy, we're in a strange town with savage beasts who know no laws, no morals. They're immoral animals.
SPARKY: RK, we're still in Seattle. We're like, two neighborhoods away from our homes.
RK: See, this is why you guys can't set the mood properly. At least I have my pranks. We'll meet here in about, an hour and a half, I guess?
SPARKY: That's great. It'll give us enough time to collect all the candy we can.
BUSTER: We're going to eat tonight.
SCENE 17
Seattle, Washington
RK drives around the neighborhood slowly, looking for potential houses he can go to for trick-or-treating.
RK: Man, these places look expensive. The property values must be like, five times above the current market rate. I have no idea what I just said.
At that point, a teenage boy tosses an egg at RK's windshield.
RK: Wait a minute, what the hell?!
RK stops the car and sees a team of teenage boys laughing and eyeing RK's car. Two more eggs are thrown at the windshield.
RK: YOU BASTARDS! I'M JUST A BOY GOING TRICK-OR-TREATING!
One of the boys then takes a balloon and then launches it towards the hood of RK's car. The balloon bursts to reveal orange paint.
RK: Okay, I didn't want it to come to this, but this is bigger than Halloween. This is WARFARE, bitch!
("Up Against the Wind" by Lori Perry plays in the background)
RK looks around and sees that his car is surrounded by more kids. Suddenly, his aggression turns to visible fear. He takes out an orange Tootsie Pop from his pocket and puts it in his mouth. He sighs and then tries to speed past the kids, but his car is instantly pelted by eggs and toilet paper. He then takes out the lollipop and stops the car inexplicably.
RK: You know what? If they want some...COME GET SOME!
RK screams in defiance as he exits the car with his Halloween trick bag and is quickly overwhelmed by the assault of eggs and water balloons. He tries to fight back with the syrup balloons, but the raw eggs have him down to one knee and reeling. He continues to throw more eggs, but he becomes fatigued, slips on some orange paint and slowly falls to the ground in defeat. The sound effect of a record needle scratching is heard as the kids run towards RK and begin to pound on him.
SCENE 18
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Exterior Dark Alley
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn, Anja, and Serenity lead the group of followers to a dark alley.
JAYLYNN: So, group leader, what's on the menu tonight?
SERENITY: We're going to lead a young man to spiritual enlightenment.
ANJA: We're going to spread the good word of the devil to him?
SERENITY: The only way we know how.
Serenity points to a high-rise building surrounding the alley, where a twenty-something man is hanging upside-down by a rope and right above an empty dumpster.
JAYLYNN: What the hell is this?
SERENITY: Well, this man thinks that the devil is a lie and anyone who celebrates him is inherently evil. So desperate times call for desperate measures.
ANJA: We're going to drop this guy on his head?
SERENITY: Yeah. Best case scenario, he's paralyzed from the neck down for the rest of his life.
MAN: I'M MISSING MY SON'S PIANO RECITAL!
JAYLYNN: Serenity, don't you think this is a little extreme?
SERENITY: How is it extreme when he disrespected the Dark Lord? Our teacher, our friend? This isn't the first person I've sacrificed. Don't you remember the guy at the lake?
JAYLYNN: I thought we took him out of the car first!
SERENITY: No, Jaylynn. We had to do what needed to be done.
Jaylynn is shocked by Serenity's statement.
SCENE 19
Seattle, Washington
Sparky, Buster, and Wade are walking with sacks of candy looking for RK.
SPARKY: Wade, this has to be one of your best plans yet. This Halloween has been something else.
WADE: Thanks, Sparky. But it's getting late and we still haven't found RK yet.
BUSTER: I think that lifeless corpse might be him.
The boys see RK laying motionless near his car, beaten up and covered in raw eggs and paint. They scream and run towards him.
SPARKY: RK, what the hell happened to you?! Oh, God, you smell like a gas leak.
RK: They had no mercy. It was an assault. And this cape was dry clean only.
BUSTER: Dry clean only?
RK: Yeah, I don't know what it means either, I just felt like saying it. The worst part is, I couldn't even go for any candy.
WADE: Don't worry, buddy. We have enough candy for generations.
SPARKY: Let's help you up.
The boys try to help up a worn down RK and lean him against the car.
RK: Thank you. You guys are good friends. Happy Halloweeno, neighboreenos.
SPARKY: Damn, he's losing it.
BUSTER: How?
SPARKY: When you start talking like Ned Flanders, you know you're going insane. Why don't we go home? We did all we could do tonight.
BUSTER: Yeah. But before that, why don't we go to Ike's for the Halloween special?
SPARKY: Sure, why not? It feels so peaceful tonight anyway.
SCENE 20
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Exterior Dark Alley
Seattle, Washington
The man is still dangling from the building, while Jaylynn is confronting Serenity.
JAYLYNN: You lied to me about that man dying? I didn't know anybody would get killed!
ANJA: Yeah, Serenity, this might be a little too far.
SERENITY: If you're not ready to stand up for what you believe in, what does it matter if you believe in something?
JAYLYNN: That's a cult mentality. I can't believe this. I said I wouldn't get sucked in and I did. And even worse, I let the guys down.
ANJA: I cursed out my own sister and attacked her with the devil's hands. I'm a monster.
JAYLYNN: Wait, you swore at Lynne and took her out?! Do you have like, a video on your phone or something?
ANJA: Jaylynn!
JAYLYNN: Sorry, serious time, but I just never thought that would ever happen and I missed it.
SERENITY: Guys, I don't want you to be disillusioned by what we do. This is just a part of Satan's infinite plan.
JAYLYNN: Then you should understand that this is part of God's infinite plan.
Beat.
JAYLYNN: Anja, do you have any...
ANJA: Oh yeah, the spell.
Anja uses the same Satanic ritual from earlier to free the man from the rope and bring him down safely on the ground.
ANJA: There you go.
MAN: Oh, thank you, little girl. Just so you know, I always thought it was Bush that caused 9/11.
The man runs away from the group.
JAYLYNN: What did he mean by...
ANJA: Don't worry about it.
SERENITY: Guys, this is unacceptable. This completely goes against everything that Satanism represents!
JAYLYNN: Then Satanism can go to hell and die there! Innocent people don't deserve to die over this.
SERENITY: Well, what about guilty people? Those who make the Dark Lord mad?
ANJA: What are you trying to say?
Jaylynn and Anja look at the club members. Their eyes suddenly turn green and Serenity's eyes as well become green.
JAYLYNN: The f*** is going on here?
SERENITY: Someone has to die tonight, girls. It's a Halloween tradition.
Cut to RK's car approaching Ike's. Sparky is driving while RK is slumped over in the backseat.
RK: Thanks for taking the wheel, Sparks. I'm going to need a six-hour bath after this.
WADE: At least we're taking the day off tomorrow.
RK: That almost makes getting paint from Home Depot in my mouth worth it.
BUSTER: Wait a minute, what's going on over there? At Ike's?
Sparky stops the car and sees Jaylynn and Anja slowly backing away from the enraged club members.
SPARKY: That's Jaylynn and Anja! They're in trouble!
WADE: Maybe we should help them.
RK: After everything that happened?
SPARKY: Yeah. We can't let them get hurt and we did nothing to help them.
JAYLYNN: Look, guys, we can talk about this.
SERENITY: There's nothing to talk about. You dishonored Satan's name tonight.
ANJA: I can't believe it's come to this.
JAYLYNN: Anja, it's been a pleasure serving with you.
ANJA: Huh?
JAYLYNN: It's just an old people saying.
RK's car honks and the girls run to it. Sparky rolls the windows down.
JAYLYNN: Sparky?
SPARKY: Get inside, we can help you.
ANJA: But I thought...
WADE: Don't worry about it, jump in the backseat before they get you!
Jaylynn and Anja get into the back of the car and it drives off. Cut to Serenity and her confused followers.
SERENITY: LET'S GET THAT CAR!
Everyone begins running after RK's car as it tries to avoid traffic. Sparky runs two stop signs and almost crashes into another car trying to escape the Club of Darkness. Inexplicably, the club is hot on the kids' tail and knows exactly where they are going.
BUSTER: These weirdos are following our every move!
SPARKY: Don't worry. I know how to lose them.
JAYLYNN: Guys, I'm so sorry for everything that happened. I mean, Serenity just sounded so sure of herself and I let her take advantage of me.
RK: Jaylynn, you're not the first person to get brainwashed by a slick-talking trickster. That's why we have commercials.
WADE: Just promise us you won't worship the devil anymore.
JAYLYNN: Oh, that's over. These guys are psychos.
ANJA: RK, what happened to you?
RK: Long story short, I'm never trick-or-treating in a strange neighborhood ever again.
The car suddenly reaches Bear Lake. Sparky stops it momentarily.
SPARKY: Okay, guys, we're gonna have to swim for it.
WADE: What?
SPARKY: Look, if we don't swim to the other side, we're leaving Jaylynn and Anja open to an attack.
RK: What about the candy?!
SPARKY: We might have to leave it behind so we can be safe.
JAYLYNN: No! No, you can't do that!
BUSTER: Jaylynn, you actually wanna die?
JAYLYNN: No, but you guys just wanted to have the best Halloween ever and get candy. I'm not going to ruin that just because I got sucked into something.
ANJA: But Jaylynn, all we have is the ancient ritual. And I don't know if that's enough to take out Serenity and her crew.
JAYLYNN: If one person does it, maybe. But not if there's two. Come with me, I have a plan.
Jaylynn and Anja get out of the car. They then grab each other's hands to join forces. At that point, Serenity and the rest of the club members arrive.
SERENITY: You guys are making this way harder than it needs to be.
Jaylynn and Anja turn around with red eyes and fire from their hands.
SERENITY: What's going on here?
JAYLYNN AND ANJA: AS SATAN AS OUR WITNESS, WE BURN YOU IN THE FIERY FLAMES OF HELL, AND SENTENCE YOU TO ETERNAL DAMNATION!
SERENITY: I should have never given them that f***ing book.
Jaylynn and Anja blast the entire club with flames, causing them to melt and disintegrate instantly. Beat.
RK: What the f*** was that?
JAYLYNN: They're dead, let's go home.
Jaylynn and Anja get back in the car. Sparky shrugs and begins to drive off after putting the car in reverse.
SCENE 21
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
The kids are all sitting on the couch surrounded by the three giant sacks of candy.
SPARKY: Well, this was one crazy Halloween.
ANJA: Did you guys rob the candy store?
WADE: Nope. We just have a foolproof method we can't share with you.
JAYLYNN: They went to houses with lots of king size candy.
ANJA: Oh, that makes sense.
WADE: Well, there goes the illusion.
JAYLYNN: I'm sorry I put you guys through all this. I'm never going to the community center again.
ANJA: Man, the problem isn't that you go to the community center. The problem is that you choose the wrong group. I mean, feminists, Satanists. Calm down. What's next, skinheads?
JAYLYNN: No way. But I hear what you're saying. The worst part is that I could see myself getting sucked in and it still happened.
SPARKY: Well, we forgive you, Jaylynn. If only you were here tonight to pick up these treats.
RK: Hey Anja, is there anything in your religion that prevents you from enjoying candy?
ANJA: No, there isn't, you smartass. But I don't know, I'm not really a candy-eating kind of girl.
JAYLYNN: So you can join a group worshipping the most evil entity in the world, but you can't handle a little sugar?
Beat.
ANJA: Then again, a girl can change. Give me some chocolate.
RK passes Anja a Crunch bar and she begins unwrapping it. Dissolve into the future where the caption reads "Ten Minutes Later." Everyone is concerned as Anja rocks back and forth with wide eyes.
WADE: Anja, maybe you've had enough candy?
ANJA: I KNOW WHEN I'VE HAD ENOUGH! YOU KEEP SETTING 'EM UP, I'LL KEEP TAKING 'EM DOWN!
Anja laughs maniacally and then collapses on the floor. Everyone looks at Anja with shock, then at the camera.
RK: Happy Halloween, everybody. Beat. Remember to brush your teeth?
Cut to black.
("Monster" by Kanye West featuring Bon Iver, Rick Ross, Jay-Z, and Nicki Minaj plays over the end credits)
©2017 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS
HAPPY HALLOWEEN