The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters has gone to the Danger Zone. Just some madness from my tiny little mind. Which means at ISIS it's…
Just Another Day At The Office
"God Sterling I give you one simple assignment and you manage to screw that up!" Mallory Archer was heard screaming from inside her office.
"Okay in the first place, technically you didn't say which Farikova to seduce…" Archer was heard defending himself.
"Really? So the word Mrs. means something completely different now?" Mallory yelled. "Unbelievable!"
"Me? What about you?" Archer was heard yelling.
"Oh what the hell is going on now?" Ray Gillette sauntered over to Cheryl's desk where most of the ISIS crew was listening in.
"Archer screwed up another Honeypot assignment," Lana smirked satisfyingly.
"This is your fault too you know?" Archer was heard yelling.
"How is this my fault?" Mallory yelled. "Oh wait, I was stupid enough to trust you with a mission and expected you to follow orders!"
"So how…?" Ray raised an eyebrow.
"Mr. Archer was supposed to seduce Mrs. Farikova the wife of some Eastern Eurotrash diplomat for some reason," Pam the head of Human Resources chomped on a bear claw. "Who has a twenty year old daughter…"
"Got it," Ray cut her off.
"Uh you were caught with Farikova himself playing horizontal mambo remember?" Archer barked back.
"In the first place, we were mostly clothed," Mallory defended. "In the second I explained about the wine stain. It was totally innocent! Nothing happened!"
"Then why did his wife attack you with a knife?"
"I don't know, why did her husband shoot at you?" Mallory defended.
"Oh sweet Lord in heaven," Ray rolled his eyes. "So what country are we at war with now?"
"Technically I think it's some kind of principality," Cheryl shrugged as she did her nails.
"How could you shoot him? Do you realize how close you came to getting the United States involved in World War Three?" Mallory shouted.
"First of all, it's only a principality," Archer said. "No country is going to war over a principality! And second I only shot him in self-defense in the arm! I didn't even hit an artery! And third I'm not the one who bashed his wife in the head and set the drapes on fire!"
"It was self-defense!" Mallory protested. "You can check it out with my lawyer!"
"She actually has a lawyer?" Pam thought aloud.
"Since when do you have a lawyer?" Archer snapped.
"Since your prep school days fending off possible paternity lawsuits from all those female teachers you slept with!" Mallory barked.
"First of all it was only a couple of them," Archer corrected. "And secondly there were no lawsuits over that and you know it!"
"NOT FOR LACK OF TRYING!" Mallory yelled. "I swear Sterling if you put half as much thought into your job as looking for a fresh new vagina to debase…"
"I was doing my job! So I seduced a different Farikova? It would have worked if you hadn't screwed up…" Archer began.
This erupted in a round of several profanities and the breaking of something being thrown from Mallory. "Pfft, this isn't even the biggest fight they had this week," Pam remarked as she took another bite of bear claw.
"True but it is the most interesting," Ray admitted. Then he saw Krieger skulking around carrying a net. "What are you doing?"
"Nothing," Krieger responded quickly in that tone that meant he was up to something.
"Do I even want to know what kind of insane experiment you were working on this time?" Lana groaned.
"Uhhhh…" Krieger blinked.
"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?" Archer was heard yelled.
"Whatever it is, it better be the liquor…" Mallory shouted. "KRIEGER!"
The door to Mallory's office opened and out ran a glowing pink mouse. "AAAAAH!" Cheryl yelled as it ran under her chair. "The gummy bears are alive! The gummy bears are alive!" She climbed on top of her desk in a flash.
"It's just a mouse," Pam waved not even phased enough to stop eating her bear claw. "Okay it's glowing but still…"
"KRIEGER! I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU NO MORE IRRADIATED ANIMALS IN THIS BUILDING!" Mallory shouted as she poked her head out of the office.
"They're not irradiated! They're mutated! There's a difference!" Krieger protested.
"They're? As in you made more than one?" Lana groaned.
"Well the pet store would only sell them in a set so…" Krieger began.
A scream interrupted them. "GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!" Cyril ran by with a green glowing lemur on his back. "AAAAAAH!"
"Okay maybe that lemur is a little irradiated," Krieger whistled.
"IS THAT MY LEMUR?" Archer barked. "Krieger!"
"Smoke bomb!" Krieger imitated throwing a smoke bomb and ran away.
"That only works if you have an actual smoke bomb!" Archer shouted as he ran after Krieger. "Come back here!"
"Sterling! I'm not finished yelling at you!" Mallory shouted. "COME BACK HERE!"
"AAAH! IT'S BITING ME!" Cyril was heard yelling.
"Damn it!" Lana ran after them. "Krieger you better not have infected that lemur with some kind of weird disease or something!"
"Get the gummy bear away from my desk!" Cheryl whined as she sat in a fetal position on top of her desk. "It wants revenge on me after all the gummy bears I ate today!"
"That better not be another one of Krieger's stupid exploding rodent bombs…" Mallory fumed. "The last one ruined my carpet!"
"Not to mention killed that intern," Ray added.
"He was working for free. They're a dime a dozen! Speaking of which…" Mallory glared at the remaining three. "Will one of you slackers do something?"
"Oh fine!" Pam shrugged as she got on her knees. "Here's some bear claw little guy."
"Don't drop any crumbs on my carpet! I just had it cleaned!" Mallory snapped.
"I gotta lure him out, Geeze!" Pam grumbled. "Got it." She pulled out the squeaking creature. "Happy?"
"You captured a gay mouse version of Miss Gillette," Mallory remarked. "What you want a parade? Although I can understand if Gillette wants one…"
"You know…?" Ray gave her a look.
"Get rid of that damn thing and for once I'm talking about the mouse, or rat or whatever the hell it is!" Mallory fumed.
"Okay!" Pam casually threw the mouse out of an open window. "What? It's a rodent! There are billions of them in this city alone!"
KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"AAAHH!" Cheryl fell off the desk and onto the floor.
"And now there's one less..." Ray groaned.
"Oh Christ it was another exploding rodent!" Mallory shouted as the building briefly shook. "And there's plaster already on the carpet! Great! This is why I can't have anything nice around here!"
"Aw crap I dropped my bear claw!" Pam remarked and bent down to pick it up and take a bite. "What? Five second rule."
"What did we just blow up?" Ray blinked.
"It looks like some dude's car," Pam looked out the window. "It has some flags on it and they don't look like ours."
"Oh dear God not another diplomat's car!" Mallory groaned. "Wait…we can use this to say it was some kind of terrorist plot!"
"You mean like last time?" Ray groaned.
"Yes, if anyone wants me I'll be making some calls and doing some paperwork," Mallory huffed and slammed the door to her office shut.
"More like making threatening calls and going through a fifth of scotch," Ray grumbled as he absently brushed off some plaster from his suit.
"ARCHER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TRANQUILIZE THE LEMUR! NOT CYRIL!" Lana was heard screaming.
"WHAT? IT STOPPED HIM FROM SCREAMING!" Archer protested. The sounds of more things breaking could be heard.
"Crap, I'm gonna have to fill out more forms for this aren't I?" Pam grumbled as she stormed off. "I need another bear claw!"
"I need some more gummies!" Cheryl searched her desk. "Ah ha! This will teach you to rebel!" She popped one into her mouth with a purr.
"And I need a drink," Ray sighed as he went to his office to get one. "I swear it will be a miracle if I don't end up an alcoholic. If I'm not already."