Chasing Voldy
By David Camp
Hermione looked up, startled.
"You mean we have to go to EDINBURGH?"
"Sorry mate, its not as though we have a choice," said Harry slowly
"Of course we have a choice," Hermione muttered haughtily, turning back to her book, "its only a silly muggle film premiere."
"Did you just call it silly? I don't believe you called it silly! How could you call it silly!" replied Harry.
"Because it IS silly. For a start we're only sixteen years old. Secondly, the worlds most evil wizard is after us, and last of all, the film has an eighteen rated certificate," Hermione continued.
"Hermione, how naïve you are," Harry sighed, "we would be under the invisibility cloak. Its just a simple matter of sneaking through the crowds and into the theatre, then finding a nice secluded spot where we can watch the film in peace."
"And you really think all three of us are still going to fit under that cloak?" she snorted. "You know, I'm starting to think Ron was right when he said you're losing your mind."
"Losing my mind…this from the girl who got considerably worse marks on her OWL's then I did?
Hermione looked rather hurt, but her pain was quickly clouded by arrogance.
"I told you, they have been sent off for a remark. Rumour has it they had to create a new marking system to cope with my charms mark.
Harry's eyebrow edged up slightly. "Really?"
Hermione opened her mouth to reply, but chose not to. The conversation was going nowhere. Instead, she flipped over the page in her large economics textbook and continued to read.
"Muggle currency is really fascinating you know Harry. You should read about it sometime."
"Er…Hermione, I was raised as a muggle, I think I know how to use money," he said condescendingly.
"Well if you knew how to use money you wouldn't be planning ludicrously impractical plans involving the three of us taking a trip into Scotland for a film festival." Frowning, Hermione gathered up her belongings and exited the room.
THAT EVENING AT DINNER"Please Hermione!"
"No"
"Please Hermione!"
"No Harry"
"Please Hermione!"
"I said no already"
"Please Hermione!"
"Be quiet Harry"
"Please Hermione!"
"Help me here Ron…"
"Please Hermione!"
"OKAY! We'll go to see the stupid movie."
"Thank you Hermione."
A FEW DAYS LATER
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'd like to thank you for attending this afternoon. It's been a wild ride, but the picture is finally finished and ready for you all to see. Stemming from a $250,000 cheque I think we've created a really special film, and I am just happy to be sharing it with you. After the movie, there is a small after party in the tent over there. The resurrected Sirius and Cornelius Fudge will be engaging in a penis-measuring contest, Professor Snape will be publicly excreting for points, and a certain un-named divination teacher will be drinking shots of semen in exchange for cheap crack. To enjoy those highlights and the other festivities, just make your way around there in an orderly fashion when the movie ends. Thank you!"
Spoken like a true showman, Kevin Smith exited the stage as the crowd applauded, oblivious to the fact that three sixth year students were watching in awe from under a ragged invisibility cloak.
Hermione turned her head slowly, flicking strands of loose hair in Ron's eyes. Ron muttered an obscenity briefly, before examining the look of wonder on Harry's face.
"Ron, Hermione, I think this is going to fucking rule," he whispered.
"Yes, but what if we get caught?" she replied earnestly.
Ron sighed. "Oh come on Hermione, most of these people are just kids standing on each others shoulders. Lets get out from under this thing and have some fun!!!!"
A few minutes later, and Ron and Harry were excitedly gorging themselves at the buffet whilst Hermione had disappeared off to give Remus Lupin a foot massage.
As they carried their plates of overfilled food to a plastic table nearby, Harry's ears narrowed in on a distinctly high-pitched voice telling a seemingly amusing anecdote to a number of hooded figures at the table behind him.
"And then…and this is the funny part…he tried to pawn his wand in order for me to spare his life!"
The group burst into a raucous laughter as Harry tired to deduce whose voice it was telling the story. He swiftly gave up, and turned around to see what was going on.
It was…
*Big dramatic pause*
ALBUS VOLDEMORT.
"Yes Harry, me and Voldemort have been the same person all along," he said mischievously stroking his beard and narrowing his snake like eyes.
"Are you here to kill me?" Harry stuttered.
"No…I'm here to provoke conflict and successfully move the fanfiction into the next narrative stage by putting you in something of a nasty predicament."
"No! You wouldn't!" Ron screamed in terror from the chair next to Harry.
"Oh yes I would!" Voldemort replied, "Have you met my pet dementor Clive and dragon Frank?"
"I haven't had the pleasure," Harry replied silkily.
"Then let them do the honour of introducing themselves. Have fun Harry Potter!"
Ron dived in front of Hermione (who had returned at some point) in slow motion, as the creatures came smashing through the marquee and towards them. His act of 'slow jumping in the way' was suitably effective, and a moment later his leaking corpse was sprawled on the ground.
Clive the Dementor floated contentedly a few inches above the ground, and laid his small dementor son (called Boris) on a table nearby.
Boris was a slightly underweight baby dementor who had been born 4 weeks prematurely through an emergency caesarean section on Clive's 48-year-old dementor-wife called Cassie.
Clive had been in mother care (the irony being that he was infact: the father) the week beforehand to buy Boris a slightly larger cloak as he grew.
For Harry though, this information was all fairly irrelevant as Clive grabbed a hold of his head with his clammy grey hands and breathed in deeply.
Without stopping to think whether Clive would appreciate the gesture, Harry had jammed his wand into the poor dementors mouth and screamed "EXPECTO PATRONUM!" at the top of his voice.
Filled with an uncontrollable desire to watch pre-1970's Disney animation, Clive sailed off into the sky stopping only for a moment to drop his resignation letter on Voldemort's bleached white head.
Voldemort growled in anger, and screamed for Frank the dragon to take over where Clive the dementor had failed. With a quick flick of its wings, the creature swept towards Harry furiously breathing fire in his direction.
Harry dived to the side and grabbed Ron's body, using all his strength to lift it into a standing position. The corpse was heavy, but acted as an effective barrier. Harry ducked down behind it as the remains of Ron got toasted.
Suddenly…a bell rang, and Harry found the scent of cooked chicken entering his nostrils. He dropped Ron's horrifically burnt body, and rushed off towards the buffet where more food was being brought out. Voldemort joined him.
They then grated some cheese and enjoyed eating it: together: AS A COUPLE.
Yes…a couple. As a responsible 16 year old Harry can do what he likes.
Voldemort and Harry were legally married in Bulgaria a month later. Hermione and Ginny were bridesmaids, and Remus Lupin was best man.
Alastor Moody caught the bouquet.
THE END