A/N: Update 2014

I have finally grown as a writer to where I don't hunger for concrit as much as I used to. Feel free to review if you'd like, but that's entirely up to you. :)

Tales of Phantasia: A Review

By Baby Kat Snophlake

I have never played a game that ripped me into so many emotional directions that I actually got lost to the point I have no idea how I feel about it... I loved Tales of Symphonia and decided to try the other games. I stumbled upon Tales of Phantasia originally as an OVA and that's when it all began. I sat and watched the first half of the first episode making up phrases in my head to replace the German subtitles that I couldn't read. Then, when I finally got the English Subtitles, I couldn't sit through the episodes because I didn't know these guys... Finally, I managed to play the game and settled into the part of my story where the cat turds almost quite literally hit the fan.

I started out with Cless, as Cless, fighting with and praising Chester for his ability to actually hit things from afar and managing to die anyway. Then, when I decided to try fighting as Chester, I noticed he had a very big problem indeed. Every time he took a step, his (what looks like a loincloth or a diaper or... something) would swing back and forth quite suggestively. Yeah, maybe Cless was better after all. And then, later in the game, I stumbled upon Klarth F. Lester! Oh, Klarth, how I could've shot ye. He carried a book as a weapon, of all things, and lo! He had only to swing that book to fight! No summon spirits had any kind of pact with him, and he had no other means of fighting other than swinging a book at the enemy. Okay, fine, thanks for giving us so few options, but I suppose it's better than Chester... He never runs out of arrows and I've seen him fighting with his fists... (Though at least Sheena had something other than summoning...)

So, I started out very cranky with Klarth because he had no means to protect himself. That and I discovered his life-mate (wife? maid? Who is that woman? And why does she care about Klarth?) doesn't seem to either mind or notice his entire bookcase of porno magazines that Cless himself stopped to gawk at when we first met Klarth. I was amused with Klarth for using one of those magazines to fight with. I began to soften when I laughed at his feeble attempts to kill things with one of his favorite subjects. Anyway, I digress.

Then as I started to warm up to Klarth, I decided to wander the world as him. (Those tattoos are HOT!) o.o Told you... rabid fangirlism might come out in me yet... Ahem, anyway, Cless was sent to the back burner again. This time, however, I noticed something. Cless was worthless! Klarth was worthless! Mint doesn't fight, as she is a healer, and I had no Chester. That NPC left something to be desired as well. Yes, little lady, I know who you are, and damn it you should start helping us! Now, before you start leaping down my throat about my accusations, hear me out.

Cless fights only what's in front of him. Anything that comes up behind us has their supper laid out in front of them like a Golden Corral Buffet. Mint and Klarth only have healing arts, staffs, and books to defend themselves with and Cless is too busy running back and forth and firing off these sword techs that have no hope of even reaching the monster who is about to feast on my favorite male character and my healer. My frustration mounted until it was blown so far out of proportion, the only reason I keep Cless alive is he's a good meat shield when it comes to things in front of us. Later, after so thoroughly hating Cless for being useless, I learned that you can actually tell him where to stand and he'll suddenly become a meat shield to things behind us as well. But alas, the damage was done. I so thoroughly hate Cless that I'd sooner he rot than breathe the same air as Klarth.

Now, Klarth was useless because he could only summon Sylph for the first, oh, I don't know how long in the game. And what's better is they filled a cave full of monsters that Sylph will actually heal. So it's either stand there and scratch his own crotch (you know he does), or fight by swinging a book around that also sometimes heals the monsters, (and that I will NEVER understand...) It was only after Klarth learned to summon many spirits that I finally decided he wasn't so worthless after all.

But no, my emotions are not through taking a beating... I've grown to completely abhor Cless after feeling okay with him. HATING Klarth and then growing to love him. Loving Chester, but not enough to put up with ... yeah, I'll stop there. What else I possibly have to complain about? How about this... EVERY FLIPPIN' TIME that I am stuck and I'm not sure what else to do but earn money, kill things, and spend money, I get tired of wandering aimlessly, stop at an inn, and suddenly VOILA! The story has progressed! You know you have a great game on your hands when all you have to do is sleep at an inn and you will move on!

Better yet! I got stumped to the point of looking up FAQ's and I was so ecstatic to find out that the only way to get through this cave was to do the same thing over and over and over and over again until you can progress. In fact, it's the ONLY way to progress. Now, I do consider myself a simpleton to the point it's just sad, but COME ON! Why would I think to check a room more than once after it revealed nothing the first time! Oh, I could've supplied China with enough power for a year with the steam I emitted.

And not only did I have problems with that, but I had problems with certain battles as well. Yes. Dhaos's castle was fun. So much fun, in fact, that I started running from every battle that had more than one "mage" in it. Throw three of those damn things together in one fight and you stand no chance... They use magic, one after another, and by the time the third one is finished, your people are in the red. And then you have those stupid stone statue thingies, (golems?) one on either side of you who move faster than you do and begin pummeling you into a bloody pulp. And not only do I not get a chance to fight back, I can't even run past the monsters to flee! The only chance I have is hoping I'll die and the others live long enough for me to run for them! It was only after fighting so valiantly and dying every single time that I discovered Arche can use Indignation twice and kill them. And thus, I begin on Arche...

That wench can cast magic practically on demand! Why the hell doesn't she?! It doesn't matter that Cless, Klarth, and Mint are getting their asses kicked below her, she still sits on her broom, watching us as if the fight is a movie instead of something she's participating in. Half the time (and I do mean half) I have to tell her what I want her to cast just so she'll DO something! And I thought Klarth standing there scratching his crotch was useless. Not to mention that girl could rival Zelos on his journey to reach every member of the opposite sex. It's no wonder she can't visit the unicorn. She's only 17 years old and will live for a lot longer than any human. You would think she'd realize she didn't have to hurry so damn much.

Oh, and let's not forget about Suzu Fujibayashi. I didn't mind Sheena getting together with anyone until I met the eventual spawn ninja named Suzu. If I could go back in time and spay that woman, I would. Or maybe all of her children, I dunno. But seriously! When you first meet Suzu she's in trouble. "Go help her Cless!" Quite literally EVERYONE begs Cless to help her. She's trapped by an electric fence. Now here's where the game REALLY ripped my heart to shreds. As annoying as it was that everyone told him to help her, it was completely overruled by the happy tingly feeling I got when Cless tried to help and wound up getting electrocuted himself! It's not just me! I'm not the only one trying to kill him and is failing! Oh, how I relished the shocked look on his face when he realized he was trapped in the wiring. Oh, look at the colors flashing. His blood is turning yellow, his skin is blackening into a crisp! And best yet, I hate Suzu and she's getting electrocuted as well! Bwahahahaha! ... wait... You mean I can't continue if Cless and Suzu are being electrocuted? Neither of them die? I'll never see Klarth again?! NNOOOOO! It's eternal damnation I'm telling you. Or a conspiracy. There's no, Klarth saying "hey! Cless is dead, that other ninja girl doesn't need our help, let's get out of here and go talk to Dhaos; find out what he's doing all this for." And then Klarth goes home to apologize to Milard for treating her so horribly! -Purrs-

But no, I have to end my tingly happiness by allowing Cless and Suzu their freedom. Just so they can continue to annoy me. We have to rescue Suzu a total of THREE TIMES! (so far. I'm not through the level yet, and you can see the paragraph below for my reasons why). When you meet her again, she's in trouble... again. "Cless go help her!" "Why do I have to do it?" And then you have fight two of those damned ninjas by yourself! As Cless! Now that wouldn't be so bad except once you have one on either side of you, you are stuck getting your ass kicked until one of them decides to jump, freeing you from your ninja prison. Now, as much as I love to see Cless getting abused, I still do want to win my battle. It would help if, you know, Klarth would quit scratching his crotch to come over and HELP ME! I mean jeez, guys! You're standing RIGHT THERE! HELP ME DAMN IT!

But alas, I finally won the battle (no thanks to my "team") though it taught me something. You can never count on your friends. Ever. If you could, I wouldn't have had to fight that battle alone. So now, my next complaint. Wandering aimlessly through the cave, I followed Suzu's trail until LO! I found myself at the beginning of the level! ... Yeah, you heard me. I had to go back (twice) to figure out where I was going wrong. That's fine, there's only a wall that you can apparently walk through and the only clue you had that it had a tunnel was a sign that said "there's a room with a mystery" or something like that. Fine, whatever. But then I found myself in a room where a bunch of generators wake up from a quick zap from the Sorcerer's Ring and you're expected to high-tail it to the door before it closes. Now, my dear friends, how is one supposed to manage that when the door is around a corner and you can't even reach the wall before the door closes?

Apparently you can buy these magical boots -cough- somewhere... -cough-. Now, I'll be serious for a moment. WHERE THE HELL DO YOU BUY THOSE BOOTS?! I can't find them! I'm fast approaching my goal of making five million gald because all I can figure out to do is run around, killing monsters on my way to all the cities, so I can find all the shops to find those blasted boots. I am failing miserably. I was told they were in Euclid, but alas, I cannot find them. Well, whatever. I'll just find an inn and sleep and maybe something will happen. Who knows? Maybe it's not until Monday when the next shipment comes in. Now to figure out which day is Monday in this crazy world, because for a change, sleeping in an inn did NOT help me. Not that I'm in any hurry to catch up to that ninja wench who doesn't even want to associate with us anyway. Maybe she's gotten herself into trouble again and I'll be too late to save her. o.o Ah, justice. Too bad it don't work that way.

But anyway, I finally figured out how to train Cless to do what I want him to do (fight) and Arche will attack sometimes when I don't tell her to, and Mint gets shoved to the back of the line when Chester arrives. Oh, Chester... I come across a Death Gaze or something like that, it's a monster that petrifies and Chester proves once and for all that the loincloth looking thing is actually his diaper. I set up the battlefield where Chester is by no means within reach of becoming petrified, (but he is still my meat shield as Klarth is more important than Chester) and Chester runs behind Klarth, facing the end of the screen, trying to flee! That coward! I couldn't get him to turn and fight like a man! Arche was right, you wuss! You are weak! If it wasn't for those nightly training sessions you continue to pursue that gives you extra experience points, I'd replace you with Mint!

Despite all that, I do have good feelings about the game. For one, I can't stop playing. Must... beat... game... And then there's Klarth, cute as hell when he's summoning spirits, and especially when he says "Maxwell!" And then there's his sexual urges. "Hey, Cless what do you think of Mint and Arche?" He's like Zelos only better on so many levels. For one, he's not the angsty "I can't decide which side I'm on..." Klarth knows where he stands. Now, Klarth, APOLOGIZE for how you treated your female live-in! Oh, how will I ever forgive that...? Who knows? I must have already forgiven him because I still love the guy. Why? I dunno... I couldn't even tell you what I love about Genis. He's just cute, damn it! That's all that matters. Klarth does have a little bonus though... he's not 12 years old. I can stake claim and no one can call me pedophile! BWAHAHAHAHA. Oh, hey, has anyone seen my sanity?

EDIT: Umm... yeah, this was a long time ago... I have since solved some of the problems I was having and I believe I am at the final spot where you face Dhaos for the last time, I just haven't tried beating him yet. Anyway, that's just an update on that. But jeez, this is old. The sad part is, I've sobered up some, and I'm still trying to become the crazy cat lady and here I am growing up some... Life isn't fair.

A/N: Yeah, I know it's not a true story, but it's closer than my Kratos Rant. I just had to get it all out on paper before I had an ulcer from my frustration. Then I looked it over and I thought it was pretty good so I decided to post it to share. Thanks for reading!

-Kat