Retsuko clutched the pole of the subway train as it jostled it's way down the track away from her office stop. She could feel sweat forming underneath her clothes not even ten seconds after the train started moving. Every time the train rocked, a grizzly bear in a black blazer would knock into her, throwing the red panda off her balance. Her heels scraped along the floor of the subway as she tried to prevent herself from falling into the other passengers. It was the peak of the evening rush hour, and you couldn't scratch your nose without scratching someone else's back. Retsuko wanted this day to be over. The only decent thing about today was the fact that her lunch did not get stuck in the vending machine.
I hope Ton breaks all of his golf clubs. She stewed as she images of Ton shoving his clubs in her face. I would be glad to polish your clubs, sir! Would you like them downstairs waiting for you when you leave? Retsuko pictured herself taking her boss' freshly polished golf clubs to the roof and chucking the bag and all of it's contents over, laughing triumphantly as they crashed into the sidewalk below.
The thought brought a smile that crept it's way across her face. Of course, she had a better chance of becoming Emperor of Japan than even daring to do such a thing. However, it was a moment of joy in the hot, stuffy Tokyo Metro.
She could feel sweat dripping down her back as she finally approached her stop. The rush of cool air on the platform was a welcome relief to the suffocating subway train. Retsuko was almost to the street when she tripped over something, stumbled, and... snap! She looked back at the crack in the sidewalk, then looked down at her heels.
Broken. Broken! Retsuko could feel her temper bubbling under her unimposing demeanor. She looked around at the people milling about on the street.
Fine... She growled quietly as she took off both shoes. Guess I'm walking barefoot. She said to herself, clutching her now useless shoes. Retsuko winced as pieces of gravel became embedded in her feet. Crossing the streets were the worse, where she prayed she didn't step on broken glass. I paid 9,000 Yen for these... Retsuko fumed as she finally reached her apartment. The clock only said 7:19 PM, but all she wanted to do was lay in bed. Retsuko changed into her pajamas and quickly retired, falling asleep instantly.
-0-0-0-0-
Retsuko stared through the doorway into the Accounting Department, her eyes looking straight ahead at Director Ton as he sneered at her. His eyes narrowed and fixed back onto her.
"Get me some tea, Calender!" Ton growled. "I don't know what's weaker, your tea... or your work."
The cauldron was stirring, the lid clattering as it leaked out.
If you want more flavor, let me get water from the toilet! Retsuko's mind screamed. She clenched her teeth tightly to prevent her thoughts from spilling out into the open.
"What are you standing there for, huh?" Ton chided. "Need me to show you how to walk, too?"
"I was just wondering what pig tastes like." Retsuko said as smoke poured from her mouth. Ton looked back up at her, confused. "Come on fellas! Let's have a barbeque!" Her voice became a demonic choir as her eyes began to glow red. Teeth and claws became sharp and pointed as the Accounting Department was transformed into a magma-filled hellscape. Ton fell back in his chair and backed away from Retsuko, dragging his fat body away from his employee as she stepped toward him.
"Mister Ton," Said the disembodied voice of Retsuko, fire shot out of her eyes as her boss recoiled in fear. "You're fired!" She laughed as she inhaled, then she let out a volcano of fire. The flames raced toward him, his eyes wide in terror as she let out an ear piercing shriek.
-0-0-0-0-
Retsuko was jolted awake by a loud screeching, she looked over at her alarm clock. 11:33 PM. She rubbed her eyes and tried to focus on where the noise was coming from.
It sounds like it's coming from upstairs. Retsuko thought to herself. Maybe they burnt their dinner. Retsuko recalled the many times she accidentially set off her smoke alarm. Making popcorn, the time she left dinner in the oven for too long. She lay back down and tried to tune out the smoke alarm from her neighbor's apartment.
BANG, BANG, BANG! Retsuko was jolted awake for a second time. 11:58 PM.
"FIRE! FIRE!" She heard from the other side of the door. It sounded like sirens were outside, and foot steps, a lot of foot steps.
She nervously got up from her bed. As she did, she caught the smell of smoke through her muzzle. Fire! She gasped, suddenly realizing the gravity of the situation as she leapt from her bed.
"Purse, pursepursepursepurse, purse!" Retsuko frantically searched in the dark for her bag, snatching it as she reached for a coat to throw over her pajamas. She quickly stuck her feet in the first pair of shoes she could find and bolted through the door. In the walkway, the red panda could hear the crackling fire above her as she made her way to the stair way, descending the stairs as fast as she could. Her neighbors in her building also frantically running down, trying to escape the blaze above them. One of her neighbors slipped and tumbled down the last two steps. Retsuko tried to slow down, but tumbled over the brown hare, her handbag spilling onto the concrete.
"Oh no!" Retsuko groaned as she tried to scoop all of her belongings back into her bag. "I'm so sorry! Are you okay?" She said as the hare picked himself up.
"No, no. Don't worry, I'm fine!" He replied, brushing dirt off of his shirt.
They were all ushered across the street away from the apartment building as the firefighters aimed their hoses at the blaze. The apartment above her was completely engulfed, and spread to neighboring units on the same floor. Retsuko's eyes were fixed on her apartment. She gasped as she tried to remember if she grabbed everything. Plunging a hand down into her purse, she pulled out her phone. Placed it back in and fumbled around for her train pass, and finally, her wallet.
Three for three. She said relieved. Relieved was a relative term at this point. Above her, she could hear light bulbs exploding, glass shattering, and timber cracking as the building burned. Retsuko wrapped her coat tightly around her, like she was holding herself together. A loud crash echoed through the street as a large plume of smoke bellowed out of the apartment.
"The floor collapsed!" One of the firemen called out from atop the ladder.
Retsuko clutched her hands to her mouth as she started to whimper. My home. She thought to herself. Five years she called that apartment home, and now, it was falling apart before her eyes. Her mind started to race. What am I going to do? Ton's abacus ticked furiously in her mind as she tried to calculate how much money she had. She paid her rent just a few days ago, her train pass was about to run out at the end of the week, not to mention the groceries she just bought for the month were now cooking in her apartment. No matter how many times she tried to add up the numbers, she came to the same sickening conclusion. I don't have enough. Not enough for a new apartment, not enough for just a capsule motel. She felt like she was freezing from the inside out.
No! She demanded. I am going to get through this! Retsuko took a deep breath as she hardened her resolve. Determined, Retsuko stared down the fire that was consuming her apartment.
-0-0-0-0-
It had been a long night. Retsuko found herself back at her office building. It was too late in the night to call anyone.
Embarrassment. Shame. Humiliation. That's all Retsuko thought about when she considered calling Washimi, Fenneko, Gori, Haida. No! She protested. I don't need help. I'll just sleep at my desk. No one would notice, they'll probably just think nothing of it. Retsuko thought of all the times Ton unloaded a pile of work on her at the last minute, forcing her to stay late into the night. It wouldn't be anything she hadn't dealt with before. She opened her locker and changed into her work uniform and hid her pajamas away. No one needs to know. Retsuko said to herself.
3:14 AM. The clock on the wall ticked away the seconds as Retsuko sat at her desk. Her eyes were heavy as she sank in her chair. It's just another day.
"Retsuko."
"Hey, Retsuko."
"Earth to Retsuko!" The panda groaned as she pulled herself upright.
"Look who decided to camp out." Fenneko said, looking at her co-worker.
"Yeah... guess I don't know when to quit." Retsuko rubbed her face. This will be easy. She told herself.
"Did you sing campfire songs, too?" Said Fenneko.
"Huh?" Retsuko replied.
"How else would you keep yourself awake all night?" Said Fenneko.
Retsuko giggled slightly.
"I don't know low long I could walk in your shoes before throwing Ton out the window."
"Guess that's what makes me, me." Retsuko feigned a smile. Even she had to admit, the thought crossed her mind.
-0-0-0-0-
"Oh, Mr. Ton, your golf swing is magnificant! Better than ever!" Komiya swooned.
"That comes with experience! You don't get a swing like this on your first day on the course!" Ton swelled his chest like he had just climbed Mount Fuji.
"If there was a death match between Tsunoda and Komiya on who kisses the most ass, they would kill each other in a tie." Fenneko glared at Komiya as he fawned over the boss.
Both Fenneko and Retsuko got up and left for the lunch room.
"You two got tired of listening to Komiya, too?" Said Haida as they entered the hallway.
"How does Ton put up with people like that?" Replied Fenneko. "He's got to know their M.O."
"You haven't said much today, Retsuko, what's up with you, huh?" Asked Haida.
Retsuko shook her head suddenly, snapping herself out of her daze. "Oh, I'm fine, just tired is all."
"Crawling out of the mountain of paperwork?" Said Haida.
"Ha-ha, yeah, you could say that." Said Retsuko.
"Working herself into the grave." Fenneko said ominously. "Eager to win the favor of her bosses, she works day and night. Until one day, after days of no sleep, she walks in front of a bus."
"It's not that bad, Fenneko." Said Retsuko. Haida stared silently at Fenneko, then cast a concerned glance at Retsuko.
"Talk about a buzzkill." Said Haida.
"Oh... sorry... I was just thinking out loud." Said Fenneko, waving her hand like she was trying to dissapate a cloud in front of her.
"So, Retsuko, what are you doing tomorrow night?" Asked Haida. "There's an open mic thing in Shinjuku if you're interested."
I. Don't. Have. Money. Her mind scolded, reminding her that she would be on financial probation. Her bank account chained her like an ankle bracelet. Where every Yen was a strike against her, and just the slightest mistake would send her into financial turmoil. Just the icing on the cake for the crisis she was already up to her neck with.
"Oh, probably working late again." Retsuko tried to dismiss Haida's invitation politely.
"Come on, we haven't had drinks out of the office in weeks." He pried, Retsuko could hear the impatience in his voice. Guilt splashed inside like the sea crashing into the docks. Any other time, she might have considered it. But now, every Yen had to be preserved.
"I just don't see how I'm going to get out from under Ton and Tsubone." Said Retsuko.
"To. The. Grave." Said Fenneko ominously.
"What?" Replied Retsuko.
"Nothing!" Fenneko said quickly. Haida grumbled to himself as they ate lunch.
-0-0-0-0-
The rest of the day progressed with it's usual episodes of kiss ass, sexism, and managerial incompetence. She was glad the work day was winding down, until she realized where she would be sleeping for tonight. She decided to skip yoga. She was too worn out for yoga, too worn out from karaoke. She just wanted everything to be back to the way it was.
"See ya later, Retsuko." Said Fenneko as she got up to leave for the day.
"You too, Fenneko!" Said Retsuko, as she buried herself in the paperwork dropped onto her earlier that day. Everyone filtered out until she was the only person left.
"Protein!" The Yoga Instructor bellowed. He was soaked in sweat doing push-ups, watching his students engage in the warrior pose. He scanned his students until he reached the spot where Retsuko would normally be. "Protein." His inflection softening.
-0-0-0-0-
"I don't think the Yoga Instructor was pleased that Retsuko wasn't in class." Said Gori as her and Washimi were in the changing room.
"Yes, it's true she hasn't missed a class, but I'm sure she wouldn't miss it without a good reason." Replied Washimi. As the two exited the changing room, they were stopped by the Yoga Instructor.
"Oh, good evening. Thank you for the class." Said Gori, bowing respectfully.
"Protein!" Said the Yoga Instructor, beckoning to where Retsuko would normally sit for class.
"Oh, we don't know why she didn't come. I'm sorry." Said Gori.
"Protein!" He replied, beckoning more intently to Retsuko's spot. "Protein..." He nodded mournfully.
"What was that about?" Asked Washimi as they entered the street.
"I think he want's us to go check on her." Replied Gori.
Washimi nodded. She trusted the Yoga Instructor wouldn't lead them astray.
-0-0-0-0-
Gori and Washimi walked down Retsuko's street after exiting the train station.
"Are you sure you know where you're going?" Asked Washimi, she had never been to this side of town. Although she trusted her friend and colleague, she didn't like being in unfamiliar territory.
"Oh yes! This is how Retsuko and I got to her place when I stayed over that one time!" Said Gori.
"Ah, yes." Replied Washimi, recalling how relieved she was that she didn't have to play the comforting gal-pal routine all night after Gori's boyrfriend dumped her.
"Retsuko's got this cute little place! Your heart is just going to melt!" Said Gori cheerfully.
The turned the corner and were taken aback by the burned out apartment building they were looking at.
"Gori... are you? Are you... sure... that this is the right place?" Asked Washimi.
Gori herself had to take a moment to catch her breath. "I... I'm sure of it!" Yes! Definitely! It's right there!" The gorilla pointed at the charred ruins of Retsuko's apartment.
They both looked at each other, both at a loss for words.
Retsuko's phone chimed at 6:30 AM. She had slept worse last night than she did the night before. A sharp pain surged through her neck as she pulled herself up off her desk. It was still too early for anyone else to be in the building. She snuck off to her locker and pulled out some of her hygiene supplies that she kept for all-nighters. She hurried off to the bathroom next to the changing room to try and freshen up. It felt awful not to have a hot shower, she felt gross, two days of having to clean herself using a restroom sink. The face that stared back was mired in exhaustion, crust had formed under her eyes. Her clothes felt unclean. I'm not homeless! She told herself. I'm not! I'm not! I'm not! The face staring back at her told her she was lying. Retsuko vigorously rubbed cold water on her face as tears started to slip out of her eyes. She needed to keep it together. She couldn't let anyone else see that this was all just a facade. Everything is fine! She demanded of herself.
The door to one of the stalls creaked open. Retsuko felt like she was about to jump out of her skin.
"We missed you at yoga." Said Washimi. Retsuko could feel cracks forming in her story.
"Yeah, sorry, I got tied up in work again." The red panda tried to play it off. I can't show weakness! That's what Washimi would say, don't show weakness! Retsuko thought.
"Work, huh?" The secretary gave Retsuko a piercing look, but didn't say anything else.
"Yeah... a couple days now..." Said Retsuko This will be easy. Washimi still said nothing, but Retsuko could feel her superior's eyes boring deep into her mind. Did she know? "Why are you here so early?" Asked Retsuko.
"The CEO has a busy schedule today, I need to prepare." Said Washimi.
"Oh.." Said Retsuko, she knew it would be improper to ask about the CEO's business.
"Are you sure nothing is troubling you?" Asked Washimi.
"Yes, of course!" Retsuko smiled.
"Retsuko? Can I give you some advice?" Asked the secretary.
"Sure..." Said Retsuko.
"Sometimes you can't stop the ship from sinking. There's honor in going down with the ship; but there is courage in asking for a life raft." Said Washimi. "Think about it."
Retsuko felt the cracks in her facade growing. She pressed her hands to her face, like she was afraid it was going to shatter right then and there.
It felt like she was trying to pull her feet out of mud, with every piece of paperwork she completed was one step out, just to have to do it all over again. Putting her foot back in the muck just to free the other. Retsuko felt like she was in a daze, when Fenneko tried talking to her, it was like trying to listen underwater.
"Wrong! Here, here, here, here, and HERE!" Tsubone swatted at the ledger like it was covered in flies. "Retsuko, do you even know simple addition?" She chided. Retsuko didn't have the strength to pick a fight with Tsubone, she knew her head wasn't in the game. All she could do was drag herself over to her supervisor and give a feeble apology. "Is there something wrong with you?" Tsubone implored.
"No... I'll fix it." Retsuko said weakly. Her eyes drifted up and caught Haida looking back at her. He could see the exhaustion carved in her face. Her eyes were dark and sunken, shoulders hunched over like she was carrying a cement truck on her back. Retsuko could see the concern on his face. Retsuko was never this quiet. Never this passive.
A mail clerk walked in while Tsubone was scolding her subject. "For you, Mr. Ton" The clerk said, before turning and swiftly walked out. Retsuko's manager opened the envelope and unfolded the letter.
"Calender!" Barked the pig. "Get me some tea!" He said as he started reading the letter. As commanded, Retsuko went to the tea room. She stood there, watching the burner, with a hand on the door frame for balance. I want to go to bed. Retsuko thought as the kettle whistled.
She reentered the Accounting Department, hot tea in the serving tray. Just another day. Retsuko reassured herself. One foot in front of the other, one foot, the other, one foot... Her foot caught her ankle, sending her crashing to the floor. The tea cup shattering on the polished concrete floor.
"Incompetent woman!" Komiya shrieked as Retsuko picked herself up. "And they honestly expect us to treat them favorably?!" He said as he mopped up the mess. "Good thing the men are here, otherwise who would clean up after your mess?"
"That's enough, Komiya!" Interrupted Ton. "I think she get's the picture."
"What's up with Retsuko?" Haida asked Fenneko. The bar they were in looked like an abandoned subway station mixed with a basement that had not been cleaned since 1994. The patrons around them sported various punk-rock attire, from mohawks, to leather jackets with enough buckles and clasps to secure a child's car seat. The bands that were playing we okay, some mediocre, performing various covers of British punk and American grunge.
"Hmm, I don't know..." She replied, scrolling through her phone, trying to shield herself from guitar riffs. "Something is definitely off though."
"Yeah, I mean, I've never seen her trip over herself before..." He thought out loud. "Has she really been working all night, two nights in a row?"
"I don't think so..." Said Fenneko, still nose deep into her phone, Haida looked back at her puzzled. "Ton and Tsubone heap work on her, certainly, but nothing that would keep her in the office all night." Fenneko sleuthed. "She hasn't been in the changing room when I've come in, or left for the day, which might indicate that she might have worked all night. However... normally when someone works late, they usually talk about when they got home... not from Retsuko." Fenneko tapped and scrolled through her phone, until she stopped.
"Huh?" Asked Haida, watching his co-worker stop in her tracks.
"Apartment fire..." Said Fenneko quietly.
"Say that again?" Replied Haida.
"There was an apartment fire a couple days ago..." Fenneko said, reading an article on her phone. Haida looked back at her confused. "Oh no..." She shook her head in disbelief.
"What is it?" Asked Haida.
"Look..." Said Fenneko, showing Haida the picture on the phone of a red panda in a crowd of people, in a coat, looking up at a burning building. Haida's jaw dropped as he looked at the image of Retusko wrapping her coat around herself, in her crappy sandals.
"How did you find that?" He asked.
"I was just scrolling through my news feed... I wasn't expecting this..." Fenneko suddenly didn't want her wine anymore.
"I think I need to go..." Said Haida.
The clock read 11:49 PM. Retsuko tried to find a comfortable postition, although, she would likely have to wait until she was too tired to keep her eyes open to actually sleep. Her stomach growled. Her hunger was getting the better of her, vending machine sandwiches could do only so much to satisfy her appetite. She wanted sushi. The sushi that was rotting in the refrigerator along with all of her other food in her apartment. Retsuko exited her office building and walked down the street to a conveinence store. The florescent lights buzzed above her as she walked down the aisles, looking something more satisfying than seaweed chips, or rice cakes. Retsuko approached the counter with some cheap sushi. It wasn't like what she had dreamed, but at least it wasn't potato chips.
"That'll be 600 Yen." Said the clerk. Retsuko nodded, a chill shot down her spine. Where's my wallet? She patted herself looking for her wallet. Did I leave it back in the office? Retsuko tried retracing her steps, trying to think of where she might have dropped it. The cracks in her facade were expanding.
"Oh no..." She muttered. "Where is it?" She could feel tears begin to form. This can't be happening! Not here! Everything is FINE!
"Put it on mine." Retsuko heard a voice from behind her.
"Haida?" She said as she turned to see who it was.
"Thanks so much, Haida, but I really must get back to work!" Retsuko said cheerfully as they exited the store.
"Retsuko..." Haida said.
"I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" She replied with a bright smile on her face.
"Retsuko..." He repeated.
"What?" She asked, still smiling.
"Do you want to spend the night at my place?" He asked. Retsuko's composure broke for a fraction of a second. There's no way... She thought to herself.
"Who do you think I am?!" She was indignant. Do not show weakness! "You really think you can bring me back to your place with cheap sushi?!" Retsuko thrust the grocery bag back at Haida, and stormed off before he could respond.
How dare he! Retsuko thought, stomping her way to the elevator at the office and mashed the UP button. Does he really think I'm that easy? She tapped her feet impatiently until the elevator doors slid open. The doors slid behind her, and the cracks grew even larger.
He was trying to be nice...
Don't give in!
He knows...
Don't tell anyone!
I need help...
Keep! It! Together!
I can't do this...
She bit her nails as she argued with herself on the way back to her chair, aggressively wiping away any trace that she was not the strong, independent, professional that she was. Shutting down any trace that she might, in fact, be homeless. Her desk was her pillow, it was time for bed.
"I know..."
Retsuko jumped again. Haida was standing in the doorway to the Accounting Department, his shadow penetrating their work room. She fidgeted nervously at her work station. She looked away, trying to find an escape route. The facade had shattered and all she could do is back herself in the corner as the weight of the world crashed in on her.
"about your apartment..."
She whimpered as her throat closed up on her, Retsuko buried her face in her hands. Trying to hide. Her composure was on a runaway train. As she furiously wiped her face with her palms, she felt an arm wrap itself around her shoulder. It was warm, comforting, a feeling that everything was going to be alright. The last bit of resistance dissolved as she collapsed into uncontrollable sobbing. Everything else was quiet. Retsuko buried her face into Haida's shoulders as he hugged her tight, it felt like all the water in her body was escaping through her eyes, but she didn't care. He didn't say a word.
"Now.. uhh.. umm.." He said, coughing and clearing his throat. "My place isn't anything special, but... if you need a bed... I can take the couch for a while." Even through her sniffling, she could tell he was nervous as he forced a chuckle.
"Thank you, Haida..." Retsuko replied, pulling her face away from him. Her nose was red and runny, eyes bloodshot. She saw the color change in his face as she looked at him. "I would like that..."
"And... at least until you get back on your feet... you know..." He said, scratching his head. "I don't want you to think... you know... something else..." He laughed cautiously.
"I understand." Retsuko smiled at him. It was the first genuine smile she had since the fire.
Retsuko and Haida took the train together the next morning into work. If he was sore from sleeping on the couch, he didn't show it. Retsuko still couldn't help feeling awkward about taking Haida's bed, but he didn't seem to mind.
"Look who's back to her old self" Said Fenneko as they plugged away at her work.
"Yeah, It's been a hard few days..." Said Retsuko as she explained the events that transpired.
The red panda stared at the burner in the tea room, waiting for the kettle to whistle. Her ears picked up the sound of Ton's foot steps coming.
"Your tea is almost ready." She said.
"I'm not here for tea." Replied her boss.
"Is there something else I can get you?" She replied.
"Nah." Ton replied. "You've been going through some stuff lately, haven't you?"
"Yeah, you could say that." Retsuko said as she watched the kettle.
"Sometimes, when you feel like you're on top of your game, a sucker punch comes out of nowhere and sets you back to zero." He said. "Life's not fair, kid. It can feel like you're hanging on by your fingernails at times, and you ask yourself how long are you going to be able to hold on."
Retsuko nodded in understanding. Ton pulled out an envelope from his breast pocket.
"A little bird asked me to give you this." He said as he handed the envelope over to her before walking off. "Some of this is coming from the department. Consider it a bonus. Good luck."
Dear Ms. Retsuko,
Please allow me to express my greatest sympathies to you regarding the loss of your home. I have no doubt that this has placed a great burden on you now, and in the future as you try to rebuild. This company is grateful for your service as you persevere through this trying time. Please accept this gift as a token of our appreciation for your hard work, and we hope that it will help you as you recover from this tragedy.
Retsuko read the note, written on the CEO's stationery. She looked down into the envelope again.
500,000 Yen?! Retsuko asked herself as she counted the bills.
Retsuko asked Haida to detour through a shopping mall before they got on the train to Haida's apartment. The browsed the clothes racks looking for new outfits. Although he didn't want to say it out loud, he thought she looked good in a red and black plaid skirt. He helped her carry some of her bags, so they wouldn't drag on the floor behind her. They were almost at the exit to the shopping plaza when Retsuko made an abrupt turn into an electronics retailer. Retsuko searched enthusiastically until she paid for her purchase. Haida waited patiently outside the store.
"What did you need from there?" He asked.
"Oh, nothing important." She smiled at him as she stuffed the bag in her purse.