Chapter 1: Another Dream About Him

The summer sun peaked through the blinds onto the bed as Sora rolled over onto his stomach, face down in his pillow. He let out a long sigh that turned into a groan before turning his head to get some air. The alarm clock blinked 11:07 at him but all he could do was lay there sprawled out like a starfish. Lately his dreams had turned into a strange mix of reality and fantasy. Last night, the dream started out with him and his best friend, Riku, hanging out in his room for the millionth time, watching some movie that glowed from the TV. But suddenly, as if it was quite expected and totally normal, Sora placed his hand on Riku's thigh. Riku grabbed it and just like that they were holding hands. Sometimes the dream would end there, sometimes it would go on but every time Sora woke up feeling frustrated and rather lonely. He had known Riku for thirteen out of his eighteen years on this earth and had practically made it through his entire pubescence without having these confusing feelings crop up. That is…not until a year ago.

A year ago, it was the end of Sora's junior year and the end of Riku's senior year in high school. Riku had been going through some…issues, to put it lightly, and Sora had watched his best friend cry for the first time in their relationship when he realized his feelings reached beyond what would be considered normal for two friends. Soon after that, he began exploring men's bodies and, as he was tracing his fingers up and down a full-page spread of Matt Bomer and his unclothed torso, it dawned on Sora that this body was turning him on in all the ways that a full-page spread of Scarlett or Mila could never do. He spent time reviewing his childhood and early adolescence to figure out where he we could have missed this important piece of the puzzle. He remembered a moment he and Riku had had when they were eight years old where they kissed because Riku's older sister had been caught doing it in her bedroom and they were curious. At the time he thought this was just an experiment between the two of them but in hindsight maybe meant more to Sora than he first realized. After the innocent little peck on the lips – which seemed to last forever – Sora remembered every detail from the way Riku's breath smelled of oranges to the heat that rose up inside of him as they pulled away. Maybe the kiss itself wasn't what made him gay but rather the way he returned to the memory over and over again.

Everyone thought that he was going to be with Kairi. Even he thought so. Kairi came to live in their town when Sora was nine and Riku was ten. They all became fast friends and it was quickly evident that Sora and she had a lot in common. They were inseparable and even, Sora admitted to himself, would cut Riku out at times. When Sora and Kairi were both thirteen, after a particular wild dance at their school, they found themselves alone in the local park. The cool night air was perfect for their sweaty teenage bodies. Sora took hold of Kairi's hand as they walked to the swings in the middle of the park. They were silent as Kairi couldn't get a hold of her nerves and Sora could barely manage his. It had taken all the courage he had to grab hold of her small hand. When they reached the swings, they had to face each other. The night was perfect, and nothing could have been more fitting for their first kiss. They leaned ever closer to each other and Sora stared at Kairi's face as her eyes fluttered closed. She was beautiful he thought. He swallowed hard and suddenly, as he locked his moist lips to hers, he was eight again, kissing his best friend…his male best friend. It took him by surprise and he broke free. Kairi's face twisted into confusion:

"Is there something…wrong?" Kairi's voice cracked slightly.

Sora's face filled with heat, "N-no," he stammered. He grabbed the back of her head and pulled her in, fiercely locking their lips once more. While Kairi made a small, happy noise deep in her throat, Sora's mind jolted back to that moment with Riku. He closed his own eyes this time, pretended that the red hair clutched in his hand was actually Riku's silver locks, conjured the smell of oranges from deep within his memory and felt the same tingle in his stomach he had years before. Soon, however, reality hit as they pulled away. Kairi had a dazed smile on her face while Sora's bliss turned into confusion and disappointment.

They dated for two years. Riku faded into the background as they became the "it" couple in school. As always, they were inseparable, and Sora always had the exact right thing to say. Occasionally Kairi would talk Sora into making out on her couch. At first, he tried his hardest to do all the right things and even felt his first breast cupped in his hand. The friction would always help to make him feel aroused, but there was something about her smell, her body, that could not make feel Sora excited. Eventually she broke up with him after a long tearful talk in her bedroom. He cried at the thought of losing his best friend but mostly cried because he felt relieved and why would he ever want to feel that way? It was Kairi for god sake. What was wrong with him? He decided to push it down, ignore the problem, and focus on his studies.

Slowly he reconnected with Riku and everything felt much better. Riku had changed, gotten moodier, but Sora maintained that he had also changed in the time being with Kairi. But then everything unhinged the moment Sora had gotten a call from Riku's mother.

"Sora…" she sniffled, "he's in the hospital."

"Wait. What?" Sora had no idea what she could mean. "Did he get into an accident? Is he okay?"

"He's okay…for now. Sora, I think he could really see you right now," she sounded scattered.

"I'll be there in ten minutes. But Ellie…what happened?"

She let out a light sob, "Oh Sora, dear, he….he swallowed a bunch of his pills."

"Oh," was all he could say as he hung up the phone. Sora stared at his wall, processing what this could mean. Riku wouldn't do anything like that on purpose…it must have been an accident. But Sora knew this was nothing done on accident. His chest tightened as he felt tears welling up in his eyes. He grabbed his jacket and keys and raced down the stairs. "Bye Mom! Gotta go!"

"Okay, honey, be back by midni—" The door was already slammed shut.

He wiped his eyes as he shakily opened the door to his car and turned the key. At the hospital, he felt like a lonely little kid standing in the lobby. Where am I supposed to go?

"Sora." Ellie's voice broke through the noise of the nurses and patients rushing up and down the hallway. He turned to face her finding her eyes red and swollen. Eleanor had always been a lovely, modest lady.

"W-where is he?"

Ellie motioned with her head to follow her. They walked down the brightly lit hallway, the sterile smell of the hospital permeating their nostrils. Ellie cleared her throat, "He's sleeping right now. They, um, had to put him in a sort of sleep to make sure he wasn't agitated or anything." Sora nodded. They had reached the room and he found himself unable to move. He saw Riku's stiff body lying on a hospital bed on the other side of the blinded window. When he finally spoke, his voice cracked, "Where's Ed?"

As if he had interrupted her deep thoughts, "Oh, um…well he's on his way home," she always had some excuse for Ed, "He was out of town on business." Sora dreaded the way Ed would react to his son trying….well…trying this. "Sora, would you…would you go in and talk to him? They say he can hear us. I'm going to go get some coffee."

Sora swallowed hard and nodded. He slid inside the room, barely opening the door. The room was dark, with just the back light on and the light of the multiple machines hooked up to Riku. The steady beeping of the heart rate monitor permeated the silence. Sora slowly approached the bed, both afraid that Riku would suddenly wake up and that Riku would break into a million pieces. He finally reached the side and stared into the peaceful face that belonged to his best friend. His silver hair was strewn around his face and Sora reached to adjust it. Once again, a tear welled up in his eye and when he blinked it fell onto Riku's hand. Sora sniffled and reached down to gently wipe the water of the still hand. He slid his index finger across Riku's skin, picking up the tear. Almost involuntarily, Sora's hand slipped into Riku's and found himself holding it tight. "R-riku…I'm here." Sora held onto Riku's hand for what seemed like hours.

Sora had lost himself in his thoughts as Riku finally began to stir awake. Sora yanked his hand away at the surprise and leaned into see Riku's eyes fluttering open. Even the amount of light shining was too much for Riku's eyes as he squinted. Sora jolted his head around to see if Ellie was outside, but all he saw was an empty hallway. He was too stunned to move but looked back at his friend.

Riku's lips parted and he began smacking his tongue, "Is there water?"

Sora jolted around once more to find a cup sitting on a rolling table in the corner, "Yes!" he said a little too loudly. He grabbed the water cup and straw and fumbled with the straw before Riku took the cup from Sora's hand and drank all of it on his own.

"Thanks," Riku said clearly his throat.

Sora looked down, embarrassed, "Yeah…"

After several silent, dreadful moments, Riku's voice gently broke through, "I…I, um, I don't want to die anymore." Sora's eyes darted to meet Riku's aquamarine ones. He didn't know what to say and only nodded, worry etched across every inch of his face. Riku just stared up at the ceiling, feeling vulnerable. Riku's eyes fell on the window to the outside and Sora took the opportunity to really study his friend's face. Tears began to pool up in Riku's eyes and when he finally blinked, they fell down his pale face. It was this moment that Sora knew. He just knew that he loved Riku. Finally, Sora replied, "Don't scare me like that ever again," and they both knew how much Sora meant that.