There's a certain way to describe unrequited love. Yeah it hurts but that's too broad of a word. It's guilt, despair, longing, and knowing that even though they don't want you, you will always be there. It's a hollow cavern in your chest that culminates and festers, filling with infectious fluid that leeches into the rest of your body and fatigues you. Slows you down until you are hard pressed just to stand. But you stand, because maybe one day they will understand.
"All I want to do is help you!"
"I don't need your help! I'm not an invalid!"
"I didn't mean it like that. Look at yourself, Win. You're making yourself sick."
I turned my back to him taking deep breaths.
"I'm not sick."
"Then what are you? Are you on meth or something?" I spun around.
"Jesus Fuck, Mickey. No. I'm not on meth. Just because someone is acting weird it doesn't mean they're doing meth!"
"Then what the fuck is your problem, huh?! You're losing weight like a motherfucker, and every few days you're bawling your eyes out like the world is fucking ending!"
"You hear that?"
"Of course I fucking hear it! These walls are made out of god damn cardboard!"
I could feel it, my rib cage caving in.
"Win... Winnie. Come on. Tell me what the fuck is going on."
We were in the street outside his house, a car riddled with bullet holes passed by slowly, the trash cans were covered in snow and our quick breath laid a fog over the sidewalk.
"Am I pretty?"
"The fuck— are you pretty? What the hell are you talking about?"
"Am I pretty?" I said with force.
"I mean yeah— for a girl. I'm really not the one to ask about—."
"Then what's wrong with me?"
"Is this some girl brain shit?"
"Yes. It's some girl brain shit."
"Well fuck man— you're... you're beautiful, Win. And not in a girl empowerment way either, I'm not sayin this to smooth your feathers or some shit. If I wasn't gay—."
"Yeah, yeah, if you weren't gay you'd fuck me three ways to Sunday. I get it."
"Is this about some guy?"
I sighed and looked at him, the cigarette I'd just lit dangling from my fingers.
"Yeah, it's about some guy."
"What, did he call you ugly?" He said, his eyebrows raising and jaw jumping. "Who is it, I'll fucking kill him."
I coughed a small laugh before taking a long drag and looking off to the L tracks in the distance.
"No you wont, and no, he didn't." I took a breath and opened my mouth before shutting it again.
"Winnie, come on..."
"It doesn't matter, Mick. He doesn't think I'm ugly, he just doesn't think about me."
"How do you know that?"
"I heard him say it."
He looked pensive for a minute.
"Holy Fuck. Gallagher? How did you even hear that? Where were you?"
"I heard you at The Alibi."
"Win, he wasn't talking about you."
"Yes he was. Maybe not directly, but the only person he can think about right now is her."
"He's gonna get over her. He was just drunk."
"He's always drunk now, did you notice? He puts liquor in his coffee at Patsy's."
"How do you know that?"
"Saw him do it. Saw him do a lot of things."
"You can do so much better." He said shaking his head.
"And yet no straight guy has ever fought for me the way he tries to fight for her. You should've seen the way he went at Sierras ex. It was almost like he was trying to kill him."
"People fight for you."
"No, I fight for people."
two months later -
Gallagher house, boys room*
"I'm gonna kill him."
"Ian don't. I shouldn't have—."
"You shouldn't have what? Gotten a pizza for dinner? You have a black eye, Winnie!"
"He didn't mean to, Ian. He was aiming for the wall."
"Yeah! Behind your fucking head! If I ever see that motherfucker I'm gonna fucking kill him."
"There's no point Ian." I said before the door opened. Lip stumbled in and I turned my face trying to keep it from view.
"What the fuck happened?" He asked.
"He hit her." My breathing was harsh.
"What? Who?"
"It's nothing."
"The fuck it's nothing. Who hit you?"
"What do you care?" I said looking at him full on. He got a full view of the purpling around my eye and down my cheek.
"Holy shit. What the fuck, Win? Who—?"
"Who do you think?" I asked. His already flushed cheeks got even brighter as they clenched along with his fists.
"I'm gonna fucking kill him."
"You're not gonna touch anyone." I said exasperated, putting my head in my hand.
"Where is he?"
"It doesn't matter."
"Where is he?!" He yelled. My head jerked to look at him. The vein on his forehead jumped and his eyes looked glossy.
"I don't know."
"That's bullshit."
"I'm serious."
"Quit fucking protecting him! He is shit to you!" He said clapping his hand into the frame of the bunk beds. I jumped hard at the noise. He took a few deep breaths in the silence.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you."
"I'm being honest Lip. I don't know where he is, Ian already asked."
"I'm gonna find him."
"Lip. If you find him you can't fight him."
"He hurt you, what the fuck do you expect me to do?" He said angrily.
"You're freshly sober Lip. If you find him now you're gonna be flat on your ass in seconds."
"I am fine."
"You are not fine!" I yelled. "You are far from fine!— you're a recovering drunk! And I'm not gonna let you go off and find him while you're pissed off and I appreciate it, honestly. But until you finish sobering the fuck up and get a little balance you are not going off to fight someone over a tiny black eye!"
He took a few deep breaths staring at me. Before shaking his head and walking back out the door. I jumped up to go after him but Ian grabbed me around the waist.
"Lip! Lip— Ian get off me! He's gonna get himself killed! Lip!!"
"He's gone, Win. He's gone." He said before finally letting me go when the door slammed downstairs.
"Fuck."
twenty minutes later-
The Alibi Room*
Lip's POV
"What the fuck is your problem, huh?" He said jumping from his stool as he saw me walking through the door, making a beeline for him. He shoved the stool between him and me and I could see the cuts on his knuckles.
"You think it's fucking okay to beat on innocent girls?" I yelled.
"What the fuck are you talking about, man?"
"I'm talking about Winnie, you fucking asshole!"
"Hey, I didn't do shit to her!"
"Hey, Lip, what the fuck is going on?" Kevin asked from behind the bar.
"Dick for brains, over here gave Winnie a black eye."
"She fell down the stairs."
"That's fucking bullshit!" I yelled. I could smell the beer, all the fucking alcohol, but right now I couldn't give a shit about that. I found a focus.
"What did she tell you?"
"I saw it. She told Ian."
"She's lying, asshole." That was it.
I shoved the stool and took a good swing cracking it over his left eye. And he went down hard.
"How does it feel fucker?! Does it feel nice?!" I yelled kicking him in the stomach. A gun slid from his back and onto the floor and before he could reach around and grab it Kev, who had come from behind the bar, swiped it and tossed it to Vee. The door burst open suddenly and as I turned to see Win rushing in with the bat I was tackled.
"You're gonna die today motherfucker," He said.
"Suddenly I don't think he will," Winnie said before bringing the bat down square in the middle of his back.
"Fucking shit! You bitch," he yelled. She reared back and caught his hip this time and I shoved him off me. She pulled back for another and caught his shoulder, another to his thigh. He rolled and covered his head before she stopped.
"Get the fuck up." She said.
"You're fucking crazy."
"Get Up."
"Put the bat down Winnie." He said after he stood.
"You get the fuck away from me. If I ever see you in my house again I'm gonna take that pretty little handgun Vee's got and put a bullet in your head." She spit at him.
"I'd like to see you try."
"Oh I'd try. And I bet I won't fucking miss either."
He stared at her for a minute before shaking his head and starting for the door. Before he could get there a couple of cops walked in. He stopped in shock. They took one look at him and another at the two of us standing behind him with the bat and Winnie's blackened eye.
"I think we'll take it from here Miss. Greene. Thank Mr. Gallagher for the call for us."
"I will Tony thanks."
"John Daniels, you're under arrest for assault and disturbing the peace—."
The rest of what he said was garbled as I looked to Winnie.
"Mr. Gallagher?" I asked.
"Ian," She said nodding. "He called after you left, we figured this would be the first place you checked."
"I didn't come here to drink."
"I know you didn't, Lip." She nodded. And for some reason, I believed her.
two weeks later-
The Gallagher kitchen*
Winnie's POV
"So how long are they gonna lock him up for?"
"I don't know, Fi. But I've got the restraining order and I think they said something about transferring him to a different part of the state because of overcrowding. But I don't think it'll be long."
"You gonna stay here for a while?"
"I don't wanna be any trouble."
"It's no trouble at all. Take Franks old room."
Lip came walking down the stairs, a ball of yarn and a crochet needle in his hand.
"You gonna make me a scarf Gallagher?"
"I can't even get the stitches to fucking stay, if you get a scarf it might just be this ball of fucking yarn."
"You want me to teach you?"
"You know how to crochet?"
"Yeah, my mama taught me when I was twelve."
"Shit I need all the help I can get, yeah." He came and sat with me at the table and Fiona stood to get something from the fridge. As I started to explain it I saw her smile and back out of the room with a beer.
He was staring at the yarn like it killed his dog, and all I could do was smile.