To My Dearest Voldie Poo

Death Eater: My lord, my have mail.

Voldemort: Bring it to me you damned fool.

Death Eater: Here you are, my lord.

Voldemort: Get out. Hopefully it's my subscription to Wild Witches Weekly.

Voldemort opens the letter and begins to read

To my dearest Voldie Poo,

Just writing to ask how you are? I know how hectic your life must be right now. I mean, between planning my death and gaining world domination, when do you get to sleep? Better yet, does evil sleep? Come on, you can't deny that you are an evil spreading machine. I guess in times like this, you've just got to remember the good times we spent together.

In my first year at Hogwarts, you were attached to the back of Quirell's (sp?) head. No offense, but I'm sure you could have chosen a better candidate. Man, I wanted to kill that guy. 'Potter, give me the stone now'. You would have thought he was the king of England, the way he demanded things. Did you ever see him naked when he went for a shower, or did he make you close your eyes? You so looked, I know it.

In the second year, you came back as a diary. Diaries are so for girls, I bet you were a sissy little pansy boy, weren't you? 'My memory is hidden in a diary so I can here about little girls' lives. Pervert. I know that whatever happens to me, I won't be leaving a diary around. I'm a man, not a nancy. But I guess you can't help who you become. LOL.

In third year, you didn't do much. I was surprised. I thought we would meet annually, like an 'I tried to kill you but failed' party. Maybe not. But I gained a godfather and you gained a ratty follower who would cut off his right hand for you. LOL again.

Fourth year must have been so hard for you! This time your plan involved brainpower. The swappy thingy with his wife and son was great. Don't try to tell me you had nothing to do with it. Then you get my name into the Goblet of Fire. Well, I can thank-you for one thing; I didn't get a chance to fail my exams. I so would have failed History of Magic. Really, who cares? Now seriously, I think you need to join an anger management group. We all know you threw a tantrum when Cedric turned up with me. He was so hot too! And when Wormtail dropped you into the pot, I saw your thingy. I was so grossed out. I can tell you one thing; there goes my fantasies with Draco Malfoy. Damn, because he sure is fine! I'm glad you decided to sure up to our 'I tried t kill you but failed' party. It wouldn't have been the same if you weren't there.

Fifth year wasn't as good. As you probably know, I was a little prick all year. I know that you understand me fully. I have the weight of all that is good on my shoulders and you are bearing evil. Good job so far by the way. Anyways, tricking me into going to the ministry was a new one. I mean, I'm a hero and it was a hero situation. I thought you weren't going to show up and I started to get upset. But you showed up again and tried to kill me. coughfailed againcough
Sixth year was so boring. You left the job of killing Dumbledore to Draco Malfoy. Sure, he's hot, but not up to the job of that. I heard him crying in the boy's bathroom like a sissy little pansy boy. I guess 

you two have something in common.

Feel free to write to me anytime you wish, as because I'm in hiding I have nothing to do. I hope you do write back.

With all the love and care in the world,

Your Arch-Enemy,

Harry Potter.

Voldemort: What's going on?