First and foremost: I'm not an English native speaker. So please, forgive my mistakes. I've been studying English for nearly 15 years but still sometimes I slip and make a mistake or two. Please, don't bash me for that. I know. Point them and I'll correct them.
Second: this is my first attempt at writing fanfictions about Mass Effect. I've done good with Star Wars and so-so with Batman, and this is the first time in this fandom. I loved the game, loved the characters, this is pretty much what I think happened to my MShep after he debriefed the Illusive Man about the Suicide Mission, blowing up the Collector base and not leaving behind anyone. In this run, Shep romanced Ashely in ME but sort of broke up with her in ME2 (after Horizon I was pretty pissed off with Ashley/Kaidan behaving like a bitch/jerk, but that's just me). So, this is the background. MShep, broke up with Ashely, everyone came back from the Collector base and it was blown up. The rest, well, you'll need to read. Have fun!
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. If I did, it would mean my name is Casey Hudson and everyone would be really angry with me about the ending of ME3, and too bad, I'm just an Italian girl so, everything belongs to BioWare. The quotation under the title is an excerpt from the song "In My Veins" by Andrew Belle. All rights on the song belong to him.
In My Veins
...You're in my veins and I cannot get you out...
A shower and then straight to bed. He was dead tired. He hadn't slept without being waken up every hour in days, and while adrenaline had kept him up, running and functioning, for the whole mission, but now that they had made through the Omega 4 relay, alive and with the whole squad, he felt as if all his energy had been drained from his veins. The debrief with the Illusive Man had left him even more worn out, mentally speaking. And blowing up the Collector base? Was it the right decision?
He kept asking himself if he had decided for the best when rigging the core before having to take down that... that thing, the terrifying human Reaper-in-the-making. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw that thing and it scared him to death. If the Reapers could do something like that, then they were ruthless enough to do it to every single race in the Galaxy.
For a moment, as he waited for the elevator to stop right outside his cabin, he wondered what a turian-like Reaper would look like and managed to smile at the thought. He leaned against the cool steel wall beside him and waited. He just wanted to get his holed armor and launch himself under the scalding water spray of his shower then let the bed swallow him, claiming him for sleep.
He was tired. He had never been that tired, not even after defeating Saren and Sovereign two years earlier. And that day he was tired for real. Right in that moment, he felt completely worn out. There were so many questions, so many issues to take care of, he couldn't even count them.
When the door finally opened, he entered in his cabin and without too much regards he shed his armour, carelessly throwing it beside its container. He stretched his neck and felt it pop a couple of times. The muscles of his back strained when he finally took the grieves off and stood back up. "Good Lord, I'm a wreck." He whispered. "EDI, could you please turn on the heating for a while? It's quite cold in here." he said taking the drenched shirt off and throwing it on the bed.
"Already done Shepard. The shower is ready. I'd recommend to make it short, or there won't be enough hot mater for everyone."
He shook his head. Her feared everyone would want to wash away the grime, the blood and the filth off. The Collector ship was anything but clean. He looked at his boots in horror when he saw the amount of dirt that covered them. "Alright EDI, give me five minutes."
"It would be suitable. Do you want some music?"
He sneaked inside the small bathroom. Usually he liked some background when he was in the shower, not only because it kept him company, but also because he didn't like the silence. After being spaced, two years before, he had come to hate silence. The total absence of sound in space had terrified him, as he struggled to breathe in the void.
"Yes, it would be nice The usual playlist should be fine." He replied as he shed his skivvies, dragging his boxers and socks away too and stepped inside the shower stall. He turned on the water and felt a deep sense of relief washing over him. He was alive, the squad had made it, they had all returned, with some cuts and bruises, but everyone was alive and ready to go home. That felt good. As good as the warm water washed away the tension from his aching body.
Through the loudspeaker of his cabin he heard the music coming in. He couldn't really distinguish which song was playing, but it was enough to ease the anguish that being alone in a silent environment. The noise of the cascading water wasn't enough, it reminded him too much of his own ragged breathing as he watched the Normandy exploding as the Collectors tore her apart.
He quickly washed himself, scrubbing hard until he felt decently clean then grabbed his towel and dried himself. Once the shower spray was closed, he heard the music a little more clear. A really old song, like an... almost two centuries old song! A song that reminded him of Ashley.
And of the way she treated him like he was the lowest scumbag of Omega. She had hurt him. A lot. She hadn't even asked him why he was working with Cerberus. She, more than any other person in the galaxy, should have known that he needed some very compelling hard evidences to leave the Alliance behind and work with them. It made no sense, the way she had acted.
He thought she loved him. He thought he loved her. Then here she comes and verbally slaps him like that. It felt like a real, physical slap. Or worse, as if she had pistol whipped him with her assault rifle. And that would hurt like hell.
No wonder he had sought solace in Miranda.
In the beginning, he thought he despised her. She was so... cold, focused... nothing like Ashley. Well, they were both very focused women, concentrated on their tasks, with the obvious differences, but still very much alike. And like Ashley, it took some time for Miranda to let her masks off and reveal her true nature. Still, in the beginning, all he felt from her was coldness. As if she was made of ice. As if liquid nitrogen had replaced her blood. And yet, right from the beginning, he had felt something for that enigmatic woman. He had thought it was only dynamic tension, the first time he had noticed he found himself thinking about her more and more. His initial resentment towards Cerberus, therefor towards her, and the shock of being told that they had rebuilt him well, had ignited some contrasts between them.
Right from the beginning. With time, he had come to know her and realized that underneath that cold mask of genetic enhanced perfection there was a very insecure woman. But no matter what happened, no matter the odds they were going to face, she was there for him, to guide him and offer a sincere opinion when he needed anything. She obviously didn't agree with all of his decisions, but she knew her place and followed him no matter what. The prototype of the perfect second in command.
He wrapped the towel around his waist, water still dripping from his body, and walked towards the wardrobe. After he pulled out some clean underwear he sat on the bed and laid down for a moment. EDI kept her word and turned the heating on. He felt a lot better. Cold and silence had become his worst enemies.
Miranda Lawson had come to him in a dark moment. A small spark of light in the blackness that had become his life. And he had come to care abut her more than he thought he would. She had sneaked into his thoughts and in his veins and warmed him up a little bit, day by day, and he just couldn't get her out.
Suddenly, his mind went back to the night before, to the warmth of her body against his, the sweet, sleek friction of their skin... Good God, that, woman was a hellcat! Of all the women he had slept with, she was definitely the best. The steel floor of the engine room wasn't exactly the best place of the whole ship, but...
Sighing, he sat up and stretched his neck again. "Mind out of the gutter Shepard, you're too tired for sex."
"Want me to call Agent Lawson?" Asked EDI through the intercom. Shepard thought that unshackling her AI had took away her ability to not intrude in the crew's life.
"No thank you, I'll be fine. I just..." he thought about it for a moment then shook his head. He wasn't exactly the example of a strong will in that moment. "See if she wants to come up. Tell her that if she's too tired she can refuse."
"Very well Commander." a long minute of silence followed before he heard the door slipping open with a low hiss.
There she was, walking inside his cabin for the first time in civil clothes. Discarded the Cerberus catsuit, with her long hair wrapped tightly in a towel to dry, she didn't even seem the same person. She looked... normal. Not normal normal but gorgeous normal. Not one of the most important agents of a xenophobic terrorist association. He had to look twice at her to realize it was indeed her and not a random member of the Cerberus crew he hadn't met.
"Commander Shepard, making it easy for me to undress you?" she said, quite humorously, leaning on the ship model shelf.
"Not exactly. I didn't have time to dress. And still with the Commander? I thought we had passed that point."
She shrugged her lean shoulders. A droplet trickled down her neck and she wiped it away. "Habit then, I guess. Can I get you anything?"
The distance she was keeping between them made him question if she had regretted what had happened the other night. Or maybe she was just trying to keep appearances up, even if she knew perfectly well that EDI had witnessed everything that had happened. He needed to do something do understand if she was behaving like that for that reason or the other one.
"Yes. You can get your fine ass in my bed." he tried, quite boldly.
Miranda chuckled, the sound echoing in the stillness of his room. "You're being bossy now, Jonathan."
"Oh please, only my mother calls me Jonathan, and right now I want everything but being called like my mom does!"
"Good. So, John... you're being bossy!" she repeated.
"Now that's better. And yes, I'm being bossy. I'm still in charge here, and for once I'm doing what I want and not what I have to. And what I want now is to have someone close tonight while I sleep. I don't want to sleep alone tonight."
The chuckle became a full blown smile that lit her face and made her bloom. "Fair enough. I doubt anyone would want to be alone. Get dressed, I'll dry my hair." and she headed to his small, private bathroom.
He got dressed as quickly as possible and checked for further injuries in his reflex on the aquarium. Except for a minor bruise on his upper lip, his face and neck were fine, and Dr. Chackwas had assured him that he was perfectly fine, still, what he saw in the reflex left him speechless: he was pale as a ghost. It was probably because of the tiredness, still, he looked like death warmed over.
Shaking his head, he tossed the wet towel on the desk and laid down on the bed. The soft duvet sunk beneath his weight, and he welcomed the feeling and relaxed. Then Miranda came out of the bathroom, her hair in perfect shape like always, and a tired smile on her face. Quite a view for his sore eyes.
"Permission to join you Commander." she said, playfully.
"Permission granted, XO Lawson."
She literally threw herself beside him, landing with q loud thud and a tired groan. "God, this bed is way better than mine."
"Privilege of being a Commander and not First Officer. By the way, you alright?"
She nodded, tiredly, and snuggled into the soft pillow. Her right hand sneaked at his side, grabbing his fingers tight. "Just tired. I might be genetically enhanced but after a mission like this..."
"Only a robot t wouldn't be tired. And I' m not so sure about it.'
"Yeah, maybe. You? You look horrible."
A deep sigh escaped his bruised lips. "I'm exhausted. Saren and Sovereign were a whack compared to the Collectors. And the IFF the other day. I wish I could sleep for a week."
"You can if you want. We already debriefed the Illusive Man, we can take some time off."
"No." he stated. "No time off. We can't afford that. I need to go back to Earth and explain everything to the Alliance."
She sighed. "If that's what you want..."
"Yes, it is. This isn't who I am. I am not Cerberus. I'm an Alliance soldier, you can't change that."
Still smiling, Miranda slipped beneath the thick covers and settled there. Shepard did the same, turning on his side to face her. "I know. And that's who you should be. You're Commander Jonathan Shepard, no one can change that."
"You mean, you're not worried about what I now know about Cerberus? About all the data I've acquired and I can possibly delivery to the Council?"
"No. At all. I've spent the last few hours thinking about leaving Cerberus myself. What the Illusive Man asked you to do with the Collector base goes way beyond what I think it's right. It was too much. You've seen how I work, I'm not a ruthless heartless bitch."
He chuckled. "I spent at least an hour trying to convince Jack that you're not here to fry her brain. And to stop calling you Cerberus cheerleader. Couldn't stand a chance."
"Thanks for trying. I appreciate it. Anyway, if you want to take the Normandy with you, feel free to take her."
"You sure? The Illusive Man won't be happy about it. He spent trillions of credits on this Project!"
"I'm the head of the Lazarus Cell, and I tell you to take the Normandy with you. The Alliance will need her, as me much as it needs you."
"They will throw me in jail and let me rot there." Shepard said, a bitter tone in his voice. "They have enough evidences of me working with Cerberus. Ashely will only confirm it. And I'll be fried like a potato chip."
Silence fell in the room. The only noise came from the constant low hum of the engine four decks below them. Good thing it was a comfortable silence, for once in a while.
"She hurt you, didn't she?"
He took a deep breath before answering. "Yeah, she hurt me. I thought she trusted me. I thought she knew me. I trusted her, I even thought I loved her but... the way she talked to me on Horizon... you saw it, if she could have slapped me, she would have beaten my face to a pulp. I don't understand... Garrus, Tali and Liara at least asked why I was working with you! Even Jack recognized the threat and came with us! Why didn't she do the same!"
"Pride. I think. I've done my homework, when working on getting you back from death. She comes from a military background and she's proud of it. Seeing you apparently turn your back on what you both believed hurt her as much as she hurt you."
Shepard made a strange face. "You're defending her? It's not like she treated you any better!"
"John, please, it takes more than an Alliance soldier to offend me. And I saw your face while we were on the transport, when we went back to the Normandy. You're right, she verbally slapped you in more ways I can imagine. I myself couldn't have done better, but really, you were a wreck after that! I thought you could curl up in your bed and start crying like a heartbroken teenager." she said. In other circumstances, she would have never told him that, just not to wound his pride, but they were in the mood for honesty, so she was being honest. Truly.
"Well, thank you. My masculinity really liked that." he joked. A heartfelt smile lit his face for a moment, before he returned to his normal brooding state. "But you're right. I was damn pissed off that afternoon. I just wanted to... I don't know. I guess coming down to talk with you helped me a little."
"Hey, I'm here. For every thing. And I'm sorry if I was so cold in the beginning, it's just that... I didn't really trust you back then. We were way behind schedule, we shouldn't have waken you for two more months and we didn't have much time to test if you were really fine." still being honest.
She had let her guard down that night, and he liked it. Well, he liked her in every way he could imagine. A lot! But he liked her more when she opened like that. He liked to know his crew, and she had been quite a mystery the whole trip, except for a couple of moments like back on Ilium. A chance to know her a little more and for the first time he didn't have to literally take words out of her.
"Hey, don't worry, I understand! Not that I really trusted you in the beginning. But tell me, what will you do if I take the Normandy and the crew back to the Alliance?"
She shrugged her shoulders and slid closer to him, laying her head on his arm. Her hand went back to holding his own, this time tighter. "I... I have things to do. I have to take care of Oriana. If I leave Cerberus, and I'm pretty sure I'll leave as of tomorrow morning, I must make sure she's fine. I can't let them harm her." she paused for a moment. "Are you sure they'll put you in prison?"
He nodded and pulled her closer to him. Her still slightly wet hair stick to his warm skin, the sensation not exactly pleasurable, but having her close, alive and kicking after he had nearly lost her in that chasm back on the base during the run for their life before the bomb exploded. He had grabbed her just in time, and he had never felt so lucky in that moment. And when she was the one to pull him up after he nearly missed the airlock of the Normandy.
"Yes, they'll arrest me, set me for trial and if I'm lucky enough I'll be left to die in prison when the Reapers will come. If not, they'll sentence me to death and then who knows."
"I can pull some strings, call in some favors, if you need help."
"No need. I've got the Shadow Broker now to help me. Just take care of your sister, I'll be fine." a quiet moment followed. "Speaking about the Shadow Broker... the other day, when we helped Liara fighting him..."
"Yeah, I'm sorry I got knocked out so soon. I'm really embarrassed about it."
"Don't worry, happens to the best. Garrus fell unconscious a moment before Ashley and I took down Saren, don't worry. Anyway... I saw that he had quite a file about you. Well, about everyone actually. I didn't read it but... what if I did? What would I have found out?"
Tough question. He knew, but he had to ask. He hadn't opened that file. Not a single one about his crew, but he somehow wished he had. To get to know them better.
"I don't know. I don't know what kind of record the Shadow Broker would keep on me, but I think, given his role and history, that you would have found my medical record."
That hit him. "Medical record? There's something that I need to know?"
Chuckling, she shook her head. "Not in that sense. I'm clean, don't worry. I... I can't have children. That's all. Some time ago I sort of fell in love with the idea of having a child on my own, the natural way though. I guess I just wanted to make my father even angrier with me than he already is. I looked here and there for a possible sperm donor but I never found the right one. And it appears that the genetic modifications my father made for me made me sterile. That's it. You may find some private mail, but who cares. He can sell those information as he pleases, I don't care."
"Should I remind you that the Shadow Broker now is a friend?"
"Oh." she stopped right there, as if struck by something. "Oh. I forgot. Do you think Dr. T'Soni will sell those information?"
It was his time to shake his head. "No. At least, I don't think so. And by the way, I'm sorry."
She tried to hide it, but it was clearly visible on her face how it hurt her. She wasn't just trying to piss her father off, she wanted that child, for real. He remembered of his mom talking about the urge some women have at a certain point in their lives to have kids when he was a teenager, but he never thought it would be real. Having spent his whole life in a military environment, he knew mostly soldiers and marines, and all the women he had met were pretty much focused on their career. Seeing her like this, well, it wasn't a good sight.
"Hey, come here." he held her tighter. "Let's not talk about this, OK? Time to sleep now. You're tired. I'm tired. If you're in the mood, we'll talk again in the morning, alright?"
"Yeah, I think you're right. As always, Commander."
"Cut the Commander crap, seriously. By tomorrow afternoon, I'll be only John Shepard to you, understood?"
Miranda settled down, curled against his side, with her head comfortably pillowed on his bycep and her arm carelessly thrown around his torso. For the first time in a long while there was someone in bed with her, and that someone meant something to her. She was so happy she felt in the mood for some teasing. "Alright, Jonathan."
He rolled his eyes. "John. I told you, only my mother calls me Jonathan! And only when she's angry!"
"Shepard and we'll never have to argue about it."
He looked down at her and sighed. "I can go with Shepard. But quit the Commander thing, OK?" She nodded. "Good. Now sleep. It's past bedtime for everyone. EDI please, turn off the lights." He leaned and kissed her forehead as the room went dark, except for the soft glow of the aquarium.
"Goodnight Shepard." her voice was reduced to a soft whisper.
"Goodnight Miranda."
As he quickly fell asleep, he could only think about one thing: she had gotten deep down in his veins, flowing with his blood. There was no way he could get her out of his head soon enough not to suffer when circumstances will forcibly separate them.
For a moment, he thought he could really come to love Miranda Lawson.
Alright, done. Got this out of my head. My mind works like this: either I take the side projects like this out of my head or I can't work on the main project (that would be ending the Star Wars fanfiction I was talking earlier). Anyway... here it is. I had it planned for a while, finally got the time to write it. The original concept came out after I played the whole trilogy in October/November, when my boyfriend pointed out that Mass Effect could be my kind of game. I was a bit depressed because my mom died about three months ago so I tried. I purchased the first game on Steam, fell in love with it and ordered the second and the third for PS3. The scene on Horizon really made me angry enough to give up my relationship with Ashley and literally throw my Shepard in Miranda's arms. Not that he minded. I didn't mind too, considering that Miranda is voiced and modeled on one of my favourite tv actresses so...
This is my take on what could happen after the Suicide Mission in the end of Mass Effect 2. Originally it was titled "Somebody That I Used To Know" (yes. That song), then I changed it to the current title (if you watch Castle, you might know this song). Hope you liked it! Have fun, more could come!