Copyright notice: I do not own Twilight.
Disclaimer: This story contains very mature content including sexual abuse, suicide, drug use, sexual content, and mental illness. If you are sensitive to these things, I urge you to use caution. This story gets very dark before the light shines in. I will post trigger warnings at the beginning of the chapters that contain sensitive material.
Full Synopsis: Edward left Bella when he graduated high school because he carried a dark secret. Bella still loving him after four years wants him back. Throughout this journey of reconciliation the face pain and healing, they answer the question can you create a healthy relationship when the odds are stacked against you. AH
I sat next to Alice on the couch in the Cullen's expansive living room, tensing every time the wildlife scurried across the porch. Thoughts pertaining to him were running like wildfire through my mind. I subconsciously drew my knees close to my chest trying to dull the pain that always came when I thought about the ways things were and could have been. "Do you think he will still love me?" I asked my best friend, unable to hold the words inside. I blushed as I stared a hole in the carpet hoping she didn't hear me.
"Huh?" Alice responded, lost inside the picture she was drawing. Before I could respond though the question registered with my pixie like best friend. "Bella, it does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live." Came chipperly from her mouth, as she remained engrossed in her drawing.
I rolled my eyes at the quote, but the light-hearted comment served its purpose and I was able to release some of the tension I was carrying. I took a deep breath, ready to respond when she continued. "In all seriousness you were his entire world. I can't fathom the reasons behind him leaving in the first place. I am certain that you will be able to win back his affections." She looked me in the eye and gave a pitying look at my posture.
"Then why didn't he write? It's not like we are living in the dark ages. With IM's, DM's, Snapchats, text messaging, and emails you'd think that it wouldn't be that hard to send a message." Frustration clouded my words as I interrupted Alice.
"Maybe he didn't know what to say," she responded. I went back into my mental musings remembering what transpired after the day he tried to remove his existence from my life.
Four years ago, he left. "It'll be as if I never existed." His parting words play in my mind on repeat on my bad days, and on the good days, I can not help but snort at the lie he told himself. How can it be as if he never existed when he was so much a part of who I became? He was the catalyst for a friendship blooming with his sister, Alice, who called me daily during the first few months to see if I had heard from him. The reason why I was accepted under the wings of his mother, Esme, who helped me negate some of the self-blame. His actions created the opposite of hiding his existence; instead every day I am reminded of the hole he left.
Post departure, Carlisle and my father Charlie, bonded when they ran into each other at Newton's sporting goods. According to the story that gets brought up every year during March madness, they spent forty-five minutes discussing their fishing lure collections, which lead to a fishing trip, which lead to a cookout, which ultimately led to my father and I becoming extended family to the Cullen's: Carlisle, Esme, and their children. They had few extended family members, and those they did have they weren't close to. As a nuclear family they were incredibly close knit and open amongst themselves, and due to the years of relationship my father and I were treated the same.
Carlisle and the rest of the family was even more shocked than I was when they woke up one day to find a note and Edward's car missing. He left immediately after he shattered my heart. He hadn't kept in much contact with them either from what they alluded to. Being a frequent guest, and then resident of their home I noticed that his name was never said on the phone, and he never surprised us for the holidays. Carlisle gave me a bedroom after the first year of his departure because I spent so many nights with Alice. Carlisle and Esme had a magnificent way of treating me like I was their child while including Charlie, and ensuring he was ok with their actions. Somehow, they were able to successfully co-parent me even though there was no reason for them to step up to the plate. I was so incredibly grateful at the love my extended family had been showing me.
Fear was my nemesis. At any moment I realize that his family could come to the same realization he did and leave me as well. We fell in love when I was 15 and naive. He was 17 about to be eighteen with goals of outshining his older brother, Emmet. Emmet was drafted fresh out of high school to play for the 49er's, which Edward took as evidence that he would never be as good enough. Edward had lacked the ability to see the good sides of himself when we were together. He often spoke of how he would never measure up to Emmet's, or his parent's success.
His parents were renowned in their fields. His father, a surgeon, who helped modernize Forks hospital. Esme was an interior designer, renowned for her skill, and infamous for her limited availability. Emmett also brought a successful and beautiful bride into the family. Rosalie Hale, now Cullen, was welcomed with open arms. Alice, his younger by two years sister, had started dabbling in fashion design while she was still in high school; creating a successful boutique during her sophomore year. She only dated one man, Jasper. Jasper proposed over Christmas, and Alice is currently planning their wedding for the next time he can get leave from the military. Alice still lives at home because she, "doesn't want to live alone." She plans to leave home when Jasper finishes his tour. Sometimes I wonder if there is something unloveable about me. I often play our relationship back to myself to see how I could have messed everything up. On playback I have never found anything substantial, causing the confusion and heart break to deepen.
I met Edward as a broken hearted 15-year-old, on my first day at Forks High School. I was forced to move to the cloudiest place in America from the desert after my mom tragically passed away from breast cancer. Edward helped pick up the pieces that her death and subsequent move left me in. We started dating, after his repeated warnings of "I'm not good enough,", about a year after our friendship began. I should have heeded his warning, but he was like a drug, keeping me in his grasp.
Throughout our relationship, he told me how he felt so much was on his shoulders. Being the only biological child to his parents, only children themselves, meant that he felt he had a large reputation to live up to. I do not understand where his feelings of inferiority came from, but it was one of the few things I didn't enjoy about him.
It was easier to focus on the goodbye when I thought about his inferiority complex. After all the time apart with no contact, my mind often played tricks. It would remind me of the song he wrote for me after his prom, or the day when he surprised me with a first edition Wuthering Heights. Instead of getting caught in these romantic musings, I forced myself to think of how he left me with no warning presumably because of his feelings of self-degradation.
The day after graduation he came to me. He had appeared to be growing more depressed the days leading up to his departure, and as he knocked on my door, he looked like he'd never be happy again. After knocking he asked if Charlie was in, and when I assured, he wasn't, Edward proceeded to tell me how horrible he was and how he'd never amount to anything. He then ended the one-sided conversation with "it'll be as if I never existed." After finding out he left, his parents made him check in with them every day for the next year under the threat of a wellness check, because his words to me seemed like a suicidal goodbye.
From what Carlisle and Esme tell me, he didn't share much of what happened in these phone calls, only that he was breathing, and no he wasn't planning on ending his life. He ended up attending Berkley studying business. To my knowledge he never spoke of the events that transpired that summer, so no one knows the true story of what happened. He seemed to transition well into school, and from that moment on, only gave generic answers when someone spoke to him. Never once did he ask about me. I used to ask Carlisle, but the answer was always the same. I no longer saw the benefit in asking.
My heart hurts because of how easily he forgot me. Sometimes it feels like a gapping wound inside, leaving me to hug myself to keep from falling apart. I miss him so much. He was my world, before he ripped himself away from me. After he left, I tried dating, once. Jacob was the logical choice, but unfortunately, we ended up better as friends. One awkward kiss told us as much. I wonder though, if I had moved on would I hurt less? How can the one person who left me without a second glance be the only one my soul cries out for?
I jumped as a car pulled into the driveway, pulling me from my musings. He was here. I jumped off the couch, straightening my t-shirt as I heard footsteps crossing the front porch. My stomach was doing flip-flops, my heart was racing in anticipation. I took a deep breath to steady myself as the key unlocked the deadbolt. I looked over at my father who had just entered the room from the den, who appeared to be feeling like myself. He never asked about the dissolution of Edward's and mine relationship. I am sure he had his suspicions, but he never made them known to me. He wiped his palms as he headed towards the opening door, an impartial look replacing the nerves that were visible before.
I knew Charlie was here as a support for the elder Cullen's. They were Charlie's closest friends after the loss of Billy and Henry. I also knew that he was worried for me. He saw how entranced I became with the boy who stole my heart as a young teenager, and as a parent he was worried about it happening again. "Welcome back son. You were missed." Charlie muttered gruffly. Causing me to raise my eyes from my feet.
Charlie, having done his part to welcome home his best friends' son, quickly retreated into the man cave off to the side of the modern farmhouse kitchen. Immediately filling his spot was Alice who wrapped her tiny frame around Edward's in a firm hug. "I've missed you brother," she told him with tears filling her bright blue eyes. She smiled at him and stepped aside so Edward could come further inside the house, as well as make room for her parents.
My movement towards the door caused Edward to make eye contact with me. In that moment I was overwhelmed with emotion. I felt like crying, throwing up, and running up to him all at the same time. I wanted more than anything to throw my arms around him and kiss him senseless. Surprise filled his brilliant green eyes, as confusion took over his face. "Oh," was all he said as he saw me. He wasn't expecting to see me.
The minor paralysis that I was feeling wore off and I was able to walk towards the door. I wanted to show him that there was still a chance for us. I wrapped my arms around his chest as he pulled me close. I inhaled his smell of cedar and musk, with a hint of leather. I pulled back and looked into his eyes. "Hi." I stated simply.
"Hi," he replied, looking over his shoulder at Esme and Carlisle putting away their coats. I hoped he understood that I was open to reconciliation. Open to the idea of trying again, not matter how bad he was for me. I needed him. I wanted him. He was the ending I wanted for my story.
I looked to Carlisle and Esme and noticed the scowls on their faces. Confusion spread across mine. Why were they so upset? Then it happened I heard another set of footsteps on the stairs. "I found it," came a breathy feminine voice from just outside the door. "They need to invent something to put between the seat and the center counsel. Its like a black hole!" The voice said, and I met the green eyes of the woman it belonged to.
"Everyone, I'd like you to meet my girlfriend Victoria." Edward said, avoiding my gaze. My heart shattered again, and I swallowed hard to keep the tears from escaping my eyes. "Vic, this is Alice, my sister, and Charlie and Bella close friends of the family."
I gave her what little smile I could and tried to plan my retreat and subsequent move from the house. "Edward, you don't do Bella justice! She has lived here for about three years, and Charlie is the reason why we turned the den into a man cave!" Alice chimed in, offering her hand to Victoria. Edward paled when Alice said this. "Hey Victoria, I am Alice." Victoria took Alice's hand somewhat hesitantly.
I eyed Victoria, trying to find a reason to like her. After observing her magazine like beauty, deep red hair styled in loose waves, and barely there makeup, I turned around retreating towards the stairs. I made eye contact with Alice, who saw the defeat in my posture. She gently caught my arm before I could retreat to my room and whispered in my ear, "Looks can be deceiving. Look beneath the surface."
I made note of the predatory hand on Edward's arm. His tense body language where she was touching. I also noted the seemingly fake smile on her face. Things were not as they appeared, but I didn't think that I had the courage to do something about it. I looked at Alice again, "Victoria, why don't you take a seat and we can plan a girl's day to get to know each other."
Grateful Alice was taking the lead, I finally excused myself from the entry way and made my way to my bedroom. Once in there I let the tears go, and felt the anger rise in me. How dare he? How dare he pretend like we were nothing? I felt the rage at his lack of acknowledgement. More potent thought was the sting of rejection. How could I ever compare with her? I asked myself as I screamed into a pillow.
Ending thoughts- A week ago I was hit with the idea to revamp my story Forever in Your Heart. I printed that it off and realized that to do the ten year glow up challenge on that bad boy would take a lot more work than i originally thought. This story for the first ten chapters follows a very similar plot line to FIYH, but is ultimately a different story. It is the story I would have written if at 21 I was in touch with my emotions. I hope you found enjoyment in this story. I do have ten chapters written and the story planned out for roughly 20. Its going to hurt to read at times, but ultimately will be filled with romance and love. Hope you enjoy!