Wade's Birthday, Jaylynn's Bitch-day

by frostyfreezyfreeze54

Wade is finally eight years old. But Testicular Sound Express doesn't seem to care. But it's all just a front because they're planning a big surprise party with Wade's heroes attending. When the brain of TSE finally decides to make a move on Jaylynn, he may live to regret it. Plus, Sparky decides to bring back his mack daddy persona "Mr. Party." But have things changed?

Thank You, Heavenly

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide The Day

SEASON 2

EPISODE 4

Title: Wade's Birthday, Jaylynn's Bitch-day

Airdate: October 22, 2013 (pushed back from original airdate of October 20 due to time constraints)

Segway Segment: RoundTable ("What's your opinion on SpongeBob SquarePants?")

Special Guest Stars: Darryl "DMC" McDaniels as Himself, Public Enemy (Carlton "Chuck D" Ridenhour, William "Flavor Flav" Drayton, Norman "Terminator X" Rogers, Richard "Professor Griff" Griffin, the S1W) as Themselves, the Bomb Squad (Hank Shocklee, Keith Shocklee, Eric "Vietnam" Sadler) as Themselves, Iyanla Vanzant as Herself, Rage Against The Machine (Zack de la Rocha, Tom Morello, Tim Commerford, Brad Wilk) as Themselves

SCENE 1

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Testicular Sound Express is making plans for Wade's eighth birthday party.

BUSTER: OK, so Sparky's got decorations covered, RK supplies the music, and Jaylynn's on food. Any questions?

JAYLYNN: Yeah, it's Wade's birthday. What are you going to do?

(imitating Kim Parker) BUSTER: Do what I always do. Show up, eat, and porty. HEYYYYYYYYY!

JAYLYNN: And who made you in charge of assigning jobs?

BUSTER: Sparky.

(Jaylynn angrily stares at Sparky)

SPARKY: What? He'll do just fine.

BUSTER: Wait, where's my pencil? It was right here. WHERE THE (BLEEP) IS MY PENCIL?!

SPARKY: Buster, you gots to chill. The pencil's on the table...where you put it moments ago.

(Buster sees the pencil)

BUSTER: Oh. Sorry for going all Paul O'Neill on you guys.

(sarcastically) JAYLYNN: Yeah, I'm sure he'll do just fine.

(Sparky rolls his eyes and smiles at Jaylynn)

RK: I don't get it. Why are we throwing Wade another regular birthday party? He's just going to figure it out like he does every year.

BUSTER: Yeah, remember last year?

We flash back to Wade's seventh birthday.

SPARKY: So, Wade, how does it feel to be seven?

WADE: OK, I guess. Hey, do you know when we're going to open presents?

(Sparky stares at the camera in disappointment)

SPARKY: That's why this year is going to be different. We're planning a party that Wade won't even know about.

RK: Cool, a surprise party! If we act like we're not doing anything for Wade's birthday, then he'll really be taken off his game.

SPARKY: Exactly.

JAYLYNN: But what's going to be so different about this party?

SPARKY: Well, remember how this summer, for Buster's ninth birthday, a bunch of celebrities sent him birthday wishes on FaceTime?

JAYLYNN: Yeah.

SPARKY: Well, what we're going to do here is get some of Wade's idols to show up. RK, you're the closest to Wade out of all of us, so you're going to find out who he would want.

RK: Roger that.

JAYLYNN: Who's going to contact all these people and ask them to come?

BUSTER: Damn, you ask a lot of annoying questions. Consult the guy with the clipboard.

(sighing) JAYLYNN: Who the (bleep) is going to contact all these people and ask them to come?

(long pause)

BUSTER: Sparky, who the (bleep) is going to contact all these people and ask them to come?

(Jaylynn throws her hands in the air)

SPARKY: I guess me. Jaylynn can work on decorations along with food.

JAYLYNN: You know what? Maybe I should contact these people.

SPARKY: Why? You can't even stomach Wade, let alone stand him.

JAYLYNN: No, I don't like his crush on me. It's creepy and just...gross.

(mocking tone) RK: Awwwwwwww, little Jaylynn is afraid that she might like her first boy.

JAYLYNN: You want a punch in the balls?

RK: I'll shut up now.

JAYLYNN: Look, I'll handle it, OK? And the food. In fact, I'll talk to Wade myself.

SPARKY: OK, Jaylynn, calm down. Unless RK's right.

JAYLYNN: RK's right my ass.

(Wade comes in soon after)

WADE: Hey, party people!

SPARKY: Alright, let's act like we don't know a damn thing about Wade's birthday.

BUSTER: But we do.

(long pause)

SPARKY: Buster, just come up with those random TV lines you're so fond of.

BUSTER: Gotcha.

WADE: Once again planning my birthday party, I see.

RK: What are you talking about, Wade?

WADE: Oh, come on. It's obvious what you guys are doing. Look, this year, I don't want a big party.

JAYLYNN: A big party for what?

WADE: My birthday. I'm turning eight this Saturday.

SPARKY: This Saturday? Can't make it, I wanted to go to the arcade and waste my quarters all day on games I'll never beat.

WADE: What about you, Buster? Do you know anything that's supposed to happen on Saturday?

(thinking) BUSTER: Um...say something from Boy Meets World. (imitating Cory Matthews) They WANT you to take the rolls!

WADE: You guys are up to something.

(leaving Sparky's house) RK: Wade, we're not up to something. Look, we don't know about a damn thing so just drop it.

(also leaving) JAYLYNN: Yeah, Wade, nothing's happening on Saturday.

(leaving as well) BUSTER: Wade, just go home.

WADE: Sparky, tell me the truth.

(long pause)

SPARKY: OK, I never went to community college. I just say that to people to be funny. You're happy now?

(Sparky runs upstairs)

WADE: (Bleep) my life.

SCENE 2

The Saltalamacchia Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Wade and Jaylynn are sitting down on the couch watching TV; Wade is beaming, while Jaylynn seems nervous)

WADE: You know, Jaylynn, I've been waiting for this day.

JAYLYNN: Yup, I bet you have.

WADE: I really like you. Ever since I heard you reading that romance novel at Sparky's house.

We flash back to about a year ago, when Jaylynn was paying Sparky a visit.

SPARKY: OK, your turn.

JAYLYNN: "I've never felt so warm and intoxicated until you held me. When we kiss, your lips are like magic. And I'm a girl who needs love and affection. Give me that and I promise you I'll make it worth your while. The lights will be turned down. The mood music will be put on. And then you can slowly undress me as I bite your neck on and on and on."

(Wade is hearing Jaylynn's recitation of the novel from the front door; He wanted to drop off a book he borrowed from Sparky)

JAYLYNN: "Trust me, when I'm in the room, things become hotter than Hell. And I dare you to press your lips against mine again. Please do it. You know my tenderness is too much for you to resist."

(Wade falls on the floor, having been love-struck by Jaylynn's recitation; a thud can be heard outside)

SPARKY: What was that?

(Jaylynn opens the door)

JAYLYNN: Wade, what happened?

WADE: I just fell in love for the first time.

Back to reality.

JAYLYNN: I thought you liked that Sanna chick.

WADE: I did, but I don't think I was truly into her like I'm into you. I love everything about you.

JAYLYNN: Good to know. So, Wade, is there anyone in life that inspires you? Like, any idols or heroes?

WADE: Well, I'm a huge fan of Public Enemy. I feel like they were the most important golden age hip-hop act, and their music is like hearing Malcolm X or Huey P. Newton rap.

(writing down what Wade is saying) JAYLYNN: Hang on...OK, who else?

(Wade scratches his head)

WADE: Well, I really idolize DMC of Run-DMC. He just seems to have a great mind about what hip-hop should be and one of the biggest hearts a man could have.

JAYLYNN: Hold it...got it.

WADE: Jaylynn, are you planning something with the stuff that I'm saying?

JAYLYNN: I don't know anything. I couldn't plan something if you paid me.

WADE: I know what this is about. You don't want to admit it, but I see it in those delicious brown eyes of yours.

JAYLYNN: You do?

WADE: Yeah. You reciprocate my feelings and want to get to know the real me. Without saying it outright. Genius.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, I guess when you spend enough time with someone, you...start to like them back, yeah.

WADE: Well, babe, if you want to know about me, don't be afraid to say it.

JAYLYNN: Fine. I won't.

(to himself) WADE: Yes!

SCENE 3

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

SPARKY: Wow, these are a LOT of notes.

JAYLYNN: What can I say? He poured his heart out to me. Including some odd, personal stuff. Jaylynn Michelle Huie always gets her man.

SPARKY: But I thought you never had a man.

JAYLYNN: That's unrelated.

SPARKY: But seriously, I'm amazed. I didn't even know some of these things myself.

JAYLYNN: How could that happen? You've known Wade for a long time.

SPARKY: Well, Wade is one of the most discreet people I know. He usually doesn't open himself up to anybody unless he's into you. And ten times out of ten, it's a girl. So you must feel pretty special right about now.

JAYLYNN: I don't know how I feel about Wade, to tell you the truth. He's OK, he's a pretty smart guy, and it's nice to have another wise guy to talk to...

SPARKY: But his love for you has soured your opinion on him.

JAYLYNN: Exactly. Don't get me wrong, I think Wade is a good friend. But nothing more than that. He's too young for me and he acts like a creep most of the time.

SPARKY: Look, I've been around Wade long enough to let you know this. He may be pretentious, mean to Buster, and the only person other than RK with an inflated ego, but when push comes to shove, he's a great guy. You forget that the guy's only seven.

JAYLYNN: Kind of like how I forget you're only ten. You're a very mature fourth-grader, Sparky.

SPARKY: I really appreciate that, Jaylynn. Just give Wade more of a chance to show more of his true self. Unless you're scared.

JAYLYNN: Scared of what?

SPARKY: That RK's right. Maybe you really do like Wade but you're afraid that something bad will happen and somebody will get hurt.

JAYLYNN: Not really, but that's a nice new perspective. I'm just worried that I'll lose my nerve and completely go off on him. And I don't want that.

SPARKY: Well, the only way that can happen is if Wade makes a move. And it's not like that's how he's recently felt.

Meanwhile, back at Wade's place...

(to RK) WADE: I've recently felt like making a move on Jaylynn.

(long pause)

RK: Two questions: How did I end up in your house? And how did I end up in your house?

WADE: I'll explain that later, I have bigger problems. Help me!

RK: I don't get it, dude. You have the biggest crush on some girl who probably doesn't even know what it feels like to be in love. Jaylynn isn't the right match for you. At all.

WADE: That's not true. The Sun rises and sets on Jaylynn. She is the most inspiring female I've ever known.

RK: Fine, then tell me. Why do you like Jaylynn?

WADE: She doesn't settle for anybody's crap. I like a girl who takes names. Her "life's a bitch" attitude is so...mesmerizing. Her artistic ways are so hot. Every painting she makes, every picture she takes. She's like a skater chick, an emo, and a dominatrix rolled up in one. And her gorgeous red hair. Her sexy pink lips. Her high-pitched, yet sultry voice. Oh, Jaylynn. Oh, Jaylynn...

RK: Wade, stop fantasizing. You don't want cum on the floor again.

WADE: Oh, sorry. I've just got it really bad for that girl.

(to the camera) RK: You know, Wade is quite possibly the smartest kid I've ever known. But his biggest weakness of all is girls. It's like a disease.

WADE: RK, who are you talking to?

RK: That's...not important. So, have you become more uncomfortable around Jaylynn than before?

WADE: Of course. Whenever I hear her speak, I just want to grab her and make out with her until she starts moaning for more.

RK: OK, I don't want to hear the rest of this porno. Look, Wade, bubby, baby, I've been around this love shack a couple times and I've picked up a few things along the way.

(video clip from The Parkers episode "The Oddest Couple") WOODY: The only thing you've picked up are some questionable rashes.

RK: They all went away, Woody! Anyway, I still don't see how a person can love Jaylynn so much. She's like a ruffneck with a nice rack. But if you really feel like your hormones are taking over, do something. Bring it.

WADE: Bring what?

RK: Have you ever even tried to kiss Jaylynn?

WADE: No.

RK: Well, that's it. Jaylynn doesn't have your declaration of romance yet. You've been all talk. If you make a move on her, then maybe she'll start to take your feelings seriously and maybe develop her own feelings.

WADE: Hmmmm. Guess I really don't have anything to lose. When should I do it?

RK: Whenever your hormones are ready.

WADE: Hmmmmmmm...

SCENE 4

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

It's now Friday. Wade's birthday is tomorrow, October 26.

SPARKY: Apparently Halley can't come to Wade's party tomorrow.

BUSTER: Why not?

SPARKY: She and Julio are celebrating the four-year anniversary of their friendship. Coincidentally, the day they started being friends is the day Wade was born.

BUSTER: So, what are they doing to celebrate?

SPARKY: They're going to Phoenix. It's been their dream to go there. They're renting a hotel room and everything. Their plane leaves tonight and they're not coming back until Tuesday.

BUSTER: Are you afraid something's going to happen, Sparky?

SPARKY: It might. I mean, Julio is tall. He's funny. He's a womanizer but he can have any girl he wants. He's one of the few fourth-graders who can snag a fifth-grader. Julio's the total package.

BUSTER: But even if Halley does cheat, what makes you think Julio will approve?

SPARKY: Buster, what kind of sane man could resist Halley Rose Vidal?

BUSTER: I can. And RK. And Wade. And Jaylynn, who might possibly be lesbian.

SPARKY: I get it.

BUSTER: Look, Halley's one of the sweetest girls in school. She would never cheat on you with Julio.

SPARKY: Yeah, but...

BUSTER: Besides, there is one fail-safe method you can use in case you get paranoid at Wade's party.

SPARKY: What?

BUSTER: Hey, ladies. Care for a...beverage?

SPARKY: Mr. Party?

BUSTER: Mr. Party.

SPARKY: Mr. Party?

BUSTER: Mr. Party.

(in front of a black screen) RK: MR. PARTY, DAMMIT!

BUSTER: Whenever you were Mr. Party, you were the life of the party. You were the coolest mother(bleep) in the room. You didn't care about anything else. All you cared about was impressing the ladies and stealing the show.

SPARKY: Do you really think that Mr. Party is still fresh?

BUSTER: A live demonstration wouldn't hurt.

SPARKY: Alright, check it out. Here we go. I'm trying hard to explore, I'm not sure, what all the racial war for, is making me more sore, I walk through a colorblind corridor...

BUSTER: Um, Sparky, that's not Mr. Party, that's Kool G. Rap & DJ Polo.

SPARKY: Oh. Wait, I think I got it. OK, dudes and dudettes. Is there anybody cooler than me at this party? Yeah, I didn't think so.

(Buster is laughing)

SPARKY: Hey, barkeep, sodas for everybody. Wait, hold up. I'm so cool, I make free drinks on the house.

(Buster is laughing even harder)

SPARKY: So, yeah, Mr. Party is my name. What, I can't hold all you girls at once! Mr. Party only has two arms.

(Buster is now crying)

BUSTER: Dude, this is great. It's time again.

SPARKY: Well, I haven't used Mr. Party in a year and a half. But you know what, Buster? It is time. Time to bring Mr. Party back out...to show them young boys how the real players play.

BUSTER: Exactly. You won't even think about Halley and Julio.

SPARKY: Oh no.

(Sparky is thinking about Halley and Julio in their hotel room)

JULIO: Halley, I really want to, but don't you think your boy Sparky's going to have a problem?

HALLEY: Sparky doesn't know what I want like you do. Besides, your lips are sealed, right?

JULIO: After they touch yours.

HALLEY: You dirty dog.

(Julio and Halley start making out on the bed)

BUSTER: Sparky, are you there? Sparky?

SPARKY: I'm going to go choke the chicken.

(Sparky leaves the area)

(to the camera) BUSTER: You know what he was thinking about, right? Yeah, thought so.

SCENE 5

The Saltalamacchia Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Wade is pacing around)

WADE: Great. My eighth birthday is today and my own friends don't even care. I have to make the biggest decision of my life about the girl I like. Why should a fourth-grader have to have these (bleep) problems?

(doorbell rings)

WADE: What do you guys want?

(Sparky hands Wade a ticket)

WADE: What's this for?

SPARKY: A ticket to the Pacific Science Museum in Bellevue.

WADE: Don't they give you tickets when you come in?

SPARKY: Yeah, but this time you already HAVE the ticket. So the joke's on them.

WADE: That doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

RK: Look, we need you out of the house for a couple hours, OK?

JAYLYNN: You jackass!

WADE: Oh, I know you guys are planning something. It's plain to see.

BUSTER: It is?

WADE: Yeah. You know what? Give me that ticket. I'm going to "get out of the house for a couple hours." But if you guys really think I'm gullible, you're sadly mistaken. I just need some time to figure out who my real friends are.

(Wade leaves with his wallet and car keys)

WADE: Just one last question: Do you guys know what day it is?

RK: According to my Swatch, it's Saturday.

WADE: No. There's a certain event today. Do you know what that certain event is?

JAYLYNN: Not a damn clue.

SPARKY: Nope.

WADE: How about you, Buster? Do you know what today is?

(thinking) BUSTER: Great, I'm on the spot again. Wait, I got something! (voice replaced with audio clip of Cameron Ansell) And Buster? Buster is almost never wrong when it comes to candy.

(long pause)

WADE: Why the (bleep) do you sound like Cameron Ansell?

SCENE 6

The Saltalamacchia Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

BUSTER: Come on guys, the party starts in a half hour and we're not even close to ready!

JAYLYNN: Buster, we have three hours left.

BUSTER: Did the woman who made chocolate chip cookies just sit there and say she has three hours left? I don't think so, and neither should we.

JAYLYNN: One day, I'm going to kill that kid and nobody will see it coming.

RK: You can do that after I drug him and fondle him.

(Jaylynn stares confusingly at RK)

JAYLYNN: What do you do when you're home?

SPARKY: Hey Buster, can you help me put up this banner?

BUSTER: Sure thing, old bean.

JAYLYNN: He's just going to help Sparky with no trouble?

RK: Yeah. He doesn't want to lose Sparky like he lost Trina Perez.

JAYLYNN: Who's Trina Perez?

RK: Exactly.

(KG rings the doorbell)

RK: I've got this one.

(RK opens the door)

KG: OK, so I think this is every rap album I own.

JAYLYNN: What's that for?

RK: Well, Wade is a huge fan of classic hip-hop, so my brother is lending us his albums for tonight.

KG: I want all of them back, bro. One of those is signed.

RK: By who?

KG: Beats me. But I think his name is Big...something.

(RK takes out a copy of Big L's 1995 album Lifestylez ov da Poor & Dangerous, which has the deceased rapper's signature on it)

RK: You got an album with Big L's John Hancock?

KG: Yeah, I bought it on Ebay. But I'm never selling it. It's too valuable to waste by selling it to some snot-nosed kid who probably stains his hands when eating sandwiches.

BUSTER: I'm not snot-nosed, and I get ketchup on my hands just ONE TIME!

KG: I wasn't...OK.

SCENE 7

The Saltalamacchia Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

It's almost time for the party to start. Wade just has to come. All the partygoers have arrived and Testicular Sound Express is dressed to impress.

BUSTER: OK, everybody. As the man with the clipboard, I have an announcement to make.

(crickets chirping as Buster drinks a glass of lemonade)

JAYLYNN: Are you going to get to the announcement?

BUSTER: What announcement?

JAYLYNN: You just said you had an announcement to make.

BUSTER: Oh yeah. I was going to tell you guys how much I love this clipboard.

(The partygoers groan, hoping for a big announcement)

(to Sparky) JAYLYNN: For my birthday party, I don't want him holding the clipboard.

SPARKY: Sure. I'll write it down in my handy dandy...

(Sparky looks in his pocket for his Handy Dandy Notebook, but he can't find it)

SPARKY: Shit, I had the whole gag set up! Bah!

Meanwhile, RK and KG are at the snack area.

RK: What are these babies?

KG: I think they're Samoas. Jaylynn told me they're Wade's favorite cookie.

RK: Uh, I've never been big on coconut. Snacks are what ruined Buster's party for me.

(At Buster's ninth birthday party, he asked Tasanya out. However, he soon finds out she has a boyfriend named Lucky. He finds out the two kissed the day before, and in a fit of rage, threw Buster through the snack table.)

(disgusted at the cookies, not what happened to Buster) RK: OH MY GOD! Oatmeal raisin.

(RK eats a Samoa whole, and can't believe how great it tastes)

RK: This is the greatest thing I've ever put in my mouth...EVER.

KG: That's what she said.

(RK and KG both say "OH! CHECK PLEASE!")

BUSTER: Ladies and gentlemen, I have another announcement to make.

JAYLYNN: It's probably nothing.

BUSTER: OK, Ms. Huie, I bet you don't want to know that Wade's car is coming.

SPARKY: EVERYBODY DOWN!

("Everybody Down" by Nonpoint playing in the background as everyone tries to find a hiding spot; RK swipes more Samoas from the table)

WADE: I can't believe it. I'm eight years old, and my friends don't even care. Hey maybe, they got Teebo the Clown to perform a show, and he dies during his trampoline act! (Wade starts laughing) Oh, genius.

(Wade opens the door)

WADE: Hmmmmmm, that's odd. I smell burgers. Really good burgers. With cheese.

BUSTER: TURN ON THE (BLEEP) LIGHTS!

PARTYGOERS: BUSTER!

(Wade turns on the lights)

PARTYGOERS: SURPRISE!

(Sparky turns around and angrily stares at RK, who's texting away)

RK: What? Oh, SURPRISE!

("The Real Slim Shady" by Eminem playing on the turntables)

WADE: You guys threw me a surprise party? So, my superior intelligence duped me into thinking you guys forgot my birthday?

SPARKY: Of course. Why would we forget the birthday of one of our own?

WADE: You do know what this means, right?

SPARKY: Yeah. But we can change our plans at the drop of a hat.

BUSTER: Sparky, look! Ashley Rodriguez.

SPARKY: Wow, she looks hot tonight. But what's the plan?

BUSTER: Mr. Party could use a date tonight, right?

SPARKY: Yeah, but it would be unfaithful to Halley.

BUSTER: Right now, Halley is having fun in Phoenix with some guy that's not you. Besides, it won't be the worst thing you've done. Like when you ruined the fun of me figuring out my philosophy homework.

BUSTER: "Existence precedes essence." "Existence precedes essence." Now, what does that mean?

SPARKY: It means the fact that you're alive at all is more important than who you are.

BUSTER: You've taken this course before, haven't you? HAVEN'T YOU?!

SPARKY: OK, it's worth a shot. (walking over to Ashley) So, there are many sexy Hispanics in the world. Guess I'm just going to have to set my sights on you.

ASHLEY: Oh...hi Sparky. Aren't you dating Halley?

SPARKY: Halley is in Phoenix right now. Tonight, call me Mr. Party. And Mr. Party needs arm candy. What do you say? We walk through the place, I tell you how good you look, you fawn over my flashy ways. And maybe, just maybe, by the end of the night...I'll let you plant one on the WWE Champion.

ASHLEY: I say you forget everything you just said, and I forget telling Halley about everything you just said.

SPARKY: Mr. Party is perfectly fine with your saucy behavior. So be it. But just remember...could've been you.

ASHLEY: Of course I will.

(Sparky walks over to Buster)

SPARKY: I don't get it, dude. Those lines would've killed any girl 18 months ago.

BUSTER: Fourth-grade girls aren't like third-grade girls. They never know what they want.

WADE: RK...RK...

(RK has chocolate on his face as a result of eating the Samoas, and is still stuffing his face with them)

WADE: Hey, save your appetite for the cake. Or any other food item here, fatass.

RK: Hey, I don't even eat coconut like that. So watch it.

WADE: Sorry. Just look at Jaylynn.

RK: Yeah, she's talking to Sanna, so what?

WADE: She smells yummy. Her hair is professionally done. Her lips look so tender and inviting.

(long pause)

RK: Are we still talking about Jaylynn here, or a porterhouse steak?

WADE: Ugh, you know what I mean.

RK: Look, dude, she needs to know the kind of man you are, so get over there and make a move. That's why Buster is so crazy for me.

WADE: Buster has no feelings for you whatsoever!

RK: Hey, it's going to happen. But look, I have to take over KG's duties as DJ for the next track so talk to DMC.

WADE: What do you mean talk to DMC? He's not here.

RK: Turn around.

(Wade turns around to see DMC)

DMC: Hello Wade. I've heard a lot of great things about you.

WADE: You're...you're Darryl "DMC" McDaniels.

DMC: And I've been that way ever since I was born. So what's up, man? How's the party?

WADE: OK. Except that I want to let that girl Jaylynn over there know how I feel.

DMC: Wow, she's pretty for a fourth-grader. You go on now.

WADE: So what should I do? I don't want something bad to happen.

("Ooh Whatcha Gonna Do" by Run-DMC playing on the turntables)

DMC: Wade, there's nothing wrong with looking before leaping. But sometimes, that can be a bad thing. You have to be willing to take risks in life no matter how dire the situation may be. When me, Run, and Jay were over here changing the game in 1983, nobody understood us. They didn't understand why these kids were into our music because they didn't believe it was music. We had to make believers out of them. We put our heart and soul into it, every night. As much energy as we could. And in the end, we broke down barriers and proved hip-hop was real music.

WADE: So, what's the verdict here, D?

DMC: Sometimes, it can be scary to think about what might happen. But if you let fear cloud your judgment, you're never going to be a complete person. Especially with love. You have to take some bumpy rides and you have to take some smooth rides. The point is, the game may not be going the way you want it, but you can't win it if you're not in it.

WADE: You can't win it if you're not in it. That's a great perspective, DMC. Thanks!

DMC: Any time, brother.

RK: KG, while I'm deejaying, save some Samoas for me.

KG: You got it.

(KG takes all the Samoas for himself, but puts back some due to RK's newfound love for them)

WADE: Hi Jaylynn.

JAYLYNN: Well, if it isn't the birthday boy himself. How does it feel to finally be eight?

WADE: It feels great. Feels new and exciting and inviting. But this is a great party here. You guys really got down to business.

JAYLYNN: Thanks. You know, I organized a good amount of it.

WADE: Really? I thought it was Buster.

JAYLYNN: Oh, please, all that kid did was brag about his clipboard. I got these guest stars here.

WADE: The only guest star here is DMC.

JAYLYNN: Dude, look around.

(Wade sees Public Enemy and their production team, the Bomb Squad)

WADE: That's Public Enemy and the Bomb Squad. That's Public Enemy and the Bomb Squad!

JAYLYNN: Yeah, and I think Rage Against The Machine was supposed to be here to perform. But I think they're late.

ZACK DE LA ROCHA: Well, could you give us some credit, Jay? We're here now.

WADE: Dude, no way. I'm in the presence of the most politically astute rap rock faction of all-time!

TIM COMMERFORD: Happy birthday Wade. From all of us. I'm just...relaying the message that we all want to say.

BRAD WILK: I heard there were Samoas here. Those pups are my favorite cookie.

WADE: Really? Mine too!

ZACK DE LA ROCHA: Don't feed this man any more Samoas. He's been scarfing down thousands of them since we formed.

TOM MORELLO: Hey, kid? Are you the DJ?

RK: Not for you guys. KG, Rage on stage at 12:00.

KG: What?

RK: Rage Against The Machine is here and they're about to perform so it's your turn to deejay.

KG: Got it.

(KG gets up on the makeshift stage and takes RK's place)

BRAD WILK: Can you sample the opening of "Microphone Fiend" and scratch it? To get the crowd pumped?

KG: Which one, the original or the cover?

TOM MORELLO: The original.

RK: I don't think he has Follow The Leader.

KG: Yeah, I don't. Sorry.

ZACK DE LA ROCHA: Don't worry. I carried a copy with me. Here.

KG: OK, just give me time to get it set up.

TOM COMMERFORD: Nice thinking, Zack.

BUSTER: Hey, Sparky. Those guys look like they could use some jokes. Maybe Mr. Party can tickle their shins, huh?

SPARKY: I don't know, man. That Ashley fiasco has me wondering if I should've just kept Mr. Party and all his glory in the past. Besides, I'm thinking about Halley and Julio again. Who knows what devious things they're doing in Phoenix?

(All Halley and Julio are doing is jumping on their beds; they haven't even left the hotel yet)

HALLEY: Ow, my thigh is tender now.

JULIO: Fail.

HALLEY: Shut up!

BUSTER: Travis, Malik, Whitney, Tasanya. Don't worry, they have a great sense of humor. OK, Whitney somewhat, but that's not important. Hey, I've got an idea!

SPARKY: What? What?

BUSTER: The sea monster joke.

SPARKY: The sea monster joke. It's going to kill.

BUSTER: I say "What do sea monsters eat?," and then you say "Fish and ships."

SPARKY: Let's get busy!

BUSTER: Go get 'em, champ!

SPARKY: Hey, dudes and dudettes. Let me ask you something. Something important. It's been bothering me.

TRAVIS: What is it, Sparky?

SPARKY: Who's the coolest kid in the room? Me. Yeah, I thought so.

TASANYA: You OK, Sparky? You seem kind of...distracted.

SPARKY: Distracted? Nah, not me. Sparky Morton MacDougal is never distracted.

WHITNEY: Your middle name is Morton? Dude, I never knew.

MALIK: I never knew either, son.

(Malik and Whitney start laughing, then Travis and Tasanya start laughing because their laughter is contagious)

BUSTER: Hey guys, these burgers are really something. Now I know why Wade smelled them when he came in.

TRAVIS: Dude, how do you ruin the surprise, man? You just HAD to say that, didn't you?

BUSTER: Yeah, I'm special.

WHITNEY: In more ways than one.

(Buster and Whitney both say "Aaaaahhhhh...")

SPARKY: Did you have a question?

BUSTER: Um, no.

SPARKY: Are you sure? You're sure you don't have a question?

BUSTER: Yeah, I'm sure.

(Sparky angrily stares at Buster)

BUSTER: Oh. A question. You want me to ask this question. Right here in front of all these people, right.

(Sparky does a facepalm when Buster doesn't say anything)

BUSTER: Oh, right. Hey guys, why do sea monsters eat fish and ships? OH, (BLEEP), I BOTCHED IT! Sorry, Sparky, I botched it. Ah, man...

SPARKY: You bitch.

BUSTER: Ah, man, I botched it.

SPARKY: I just want to let you guys know that tonight marks not only Wade's eighth birthday, but the official tarnishing of Mr. Party's legacy. I'm going to go choke the chicken.

(Sparky heads upstairs to the bathroom)

BUSTER: But Sparky, you're going to miss Rage Against The Machine!

(like a little kid) SPARKY: I DON'T WANNA!

MALIK: If my middle name was Morton, I would choke the chicken all the time.

WHITNEY: Malik, you already do that.

ZACK DE LA ROCHA: Hey guys, this is for the birthday boy, Wade Saltalamacchia!

(the kids start chanting "WADE! WADE!")

TOM MORELLO: This is from our 2000 album Renegades. It's a cover of Eric B. & Rakim's "Microphone Fiend." And it goes a little something like this.

BRAD WILK: DJ KG in the place to be, are you ready?

KG: Ready like I'm Freddy and I'm rockin' real steady!

TOM COMMERFORD: Then get on the turntable attack and bring that beat back! Bring that beat back!

(KG scratches the opening of the original "Microphone Fiend" four times and the song starts; during the performance, KG adds slick turntable scratches)

As the song continues on...

WADE: This has been a great party so far! Thanks for everything!

JAYLYNN: Ah, it was nothing. But you deserve it, man.

(Wade and Jaylynn hug)

(thinking) WADE: Now's my chance. Like DMC said, I can't win it if I'm not in it.

(Wade dips Jaylynn and kisses her for the first time; it doesn't even last about three seconds when Jaylynn pushes him away)

JAYLYNN: WADE, WHAT THE (BLEEP) ARE YOU DOING?!

WADE: I'm sorry, but I'm in love with you! You hear me? In love!

(Everybody, including Rage Against The Machine, has turned their attention to Wade and Jaylynn)

JAYLYNN: Yeah, and I'm sick and tired of it! We're not dating, Wade! We never were and we never will!

WADE: But...

SPARKY: I'm going to come down there with my belt if there's any horseplay!

JAYLYNN: I have no feelings for you at all! Understand? At all! You're one of the last options for my ideal boyfriend. No. You ARE the last.

CHUCK D: Jaylynn, somebody's going to get hurt.

WADE: Yeah, sweetheart, listen to Chuck.

JAYLYNN: I'm not your sweetheart and why don't you just leave me alone?! Matter of fact, why don't you just go away?

(Wade starts crying and heads upstairs)

RK: Wade, don't cry, man, she's just steamed!

(RK runs upstairs)

(The kids are now booing Jaylynn)

BUSTER: I hope you're happy now.

JAYLYNN: Yeah. I am.

(Jaylynn walks into the kitchen while the booing continues and Buster shakes his head)

SEGWAY SEGMENT

JAYLYNN: Hello everybody. And welcome to this week's RoundTable. Now, you guys have been waiting for this question for a long time, so here it is: "What's your opinion on SpongeBob SquarePants?" Sparky, you have the floor first.

SPARKY: Thank you, Jaylynn. SpongeBob is one show that should've quit while it was ahead. It absolutely sucks now. The movie has served as a bridge between two different eras of SpongeBob: the era with Stephen Hillenburg, and the era with Paul Tibbitt. The Hillenburg era was excellent. It had brilliant writing, great characterization, humorous moments that could go on YouTube later. Those first three seasons put SpongeBob in its own class. Now, it's not even in a class because it doesn't deserve to be in one. Almost all of the characters are unlikable. They're either stupid, annoying, or offensive. Look at SpongeBob. He used to be an innocent, misguided manchild. Now, he's just a symbol for homosexuality and a nuisance to everybody around him. Nickelodeon should have let SpongeBob seal its legacy with the movie. Now what?

BUSTER: I agree wholeheartedly with Sparky. SpongeBob is a piece of shit now. It's no different from any other cartoon. And before anyone asks me what's the problem with that, you have to understand that SpongeBob was not supposed to be like other cartoons. It was supposed to be an outcast. It was supposed to be for all ages. Something cool and unique and entertaining. One of my favorite scenes is where SpongeBob and Patrick acquire a taste for...free-form jazz.

("The Pressure Point" by Duncan Lamont plays in the background as Sparky and Buster acquire THEIR tastes for free-form jazz, much to RK, Wade, and Jaylynn's confusion)

BUSTER: Anyway, a scene like that is what made SpongeBob special. Now, what's so great about it? It's just a way to tide kids over because Nickelodeon can't build a stable enough schedule. I get it, Stephen Hillenburg and his crew left after the movie. I get that no show can remain that good for that long. Well, look around, Nick. You've hired guys who think they know SpongeBob. You have murdered the show by stripping away all of its positive traits, until the replacement traits ARE the traits. You've flanderized SpongeBob.

RK: I think you guys are looking into this too much. You say SpongeBob isn't SpongeBob anymore. The Simpsons isn't all that good anymore, and they've been on the air for 24 years.

SPARKY: Yeah, time to kill Old Yeller, huh?

JAYLYNN: NO INTERRUPTION! Go on, RK.

RK: Um...thank you, Jaylynn. Anyway, I hear the same thing about South Park. And Family Guy, and Arthur. Eventually, they were going to lose their flair and greatness. It's really difficult to maintain for that long. Even if Hillenburg and Drymon and them come back, what's really going to change? Maybe they've lost it. That's like saying that Biggie and Pac would go Diamond if they were still alive. Like Rakim said, artists become much more valuable when they die. Even Michael Jackson is a victim of this. We don't know for sure because that movie was supposed to be the end. Stop comparing the two eras and just watch the damn show. And if you don't like it, move on. People even criticize Phineas and Ferb now! Are you serious?

JAYLYNN: So, what's your opinion, RK?

RK: I love it as much as I always have. The first three seasons will always be special to me, but some post-movie episodes are really funny. Like when Squidward's toenail comes off. I'm a sucker for good gross-out humor.

WADE: Nice points, RK. To truly understand, you need to look at the creative directors for SpongeBob, and see how those guys have impacted the show, for better or worse. Derek Drymon was the creative director for the show's first four seasons. After that, they brought in Vincent Waller. The only cartoon he has ever worked on was Ren & Stimpy, which was famous for its gross-out humor. Waller tried bringing that element to a show that didn't need it. And that's why it's started to fail. Of course I know SpongeBob has declined. But am I sitting here complaining? No! It's nice to watch when you want a break from reality. And it doesn't even deserve half the hate it gets.

SPARKY: You thought the toenail bit was funny? I thought it was gross.

RK: There was a scene in the old SpongeBob where Patrick killed a bunch of fish and they're later sold as fish sticks!

JAYLYNN: We'll be back next week with more RoundTable.

SCENE 8

The Saltalamacchia Household

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

RK: Well, Wade won't let me in his room.

BUSTER: Jaylynn won't speak to anybody. This is terrible. Just one kiss has turned our friends against each other. We have to DO something!

RK: Hey, it could be worse. You could get hit with a flying pumpkin at breakfast.

(RK gets hit in the face by a pumpkin at breakfast, but KG doesn't care and keeps reading the papers)

BUSTER: That was SO unfunny.

RK: I know. Wait, isn't Sparky usually the go-to guy in these situations?

SPARKY: Um, guys?

RK: Yeah, Sparky?

SPARKY: Tell Wade to hang in there.

BUSTER: How do you know what happened?

SPARKY: Both Wade and Jaylynn texted me about it. And another thing.

RK: Yeah?

SPARKY: I can't be the moral compass tonight. You see, when I was choking the chicken, the chicken got its head stuck in the fence.

BUSTER: Oh, man.

RK: Not in the fence.

BUSTER: So, what's the sitch?

SPARKY: Call the hospital so they can free said chicken. This has been a terrible night for Mr. Party. Guess he's just not got it no more.

(long pause)

RK: Your grammar was terrible.

BUSTER: RK, why don't you call the hospital? I'm going to go talk to Jaylynn first. And whoa, your breath reeks of Samoas!

RK: That reminds me. I have to get down there before they're all taken! Thanks, babe.

(RK kisses Buster on the cheek, freezing him)

SCENE 9

The Saltalamacchia Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

JAYLYNN: There's nothing to talk about, Buster. I said what had to be said.

BUSTER: Jaylynn, don't you think you were a little hard on Wade?

JAYLYNN: No, and frankly I don't care.

BUSTER: That's all you say to get you through life. "I don't care."

JAYLYNN: Look, just leave me alone, OK? I really don't care about what I told Wade.

BUSTER: That's your problem, Jaylynn.

JAYLYNN: What problem?

BUSTER: You have to have everything your way or it's not fair. You're one of the most uncaring people I know. You're like stone in a ten-year-old's body.

JAYLYNN: I say what I want to say and do as I please.

BUSTER: Honestly, do you have any shame or emotion? I don't even think you know what love or happiness is after tonight. You broke Wade's heart on his birthday. You know what? I don't even know what he sees in you.

(Jaylynn starts to feel bad)

CHUCK D: Could we take it from here, brother boy?

BUSTER: The floor's all yours, Chuck. I said what needed to be said.

(Buster goes to another part of the room)

CHUCK D: Look, Jaylynn, you know that sometimes love won't give you who you want. But you can't go off on your friends like that because you don't have feelings for them.

JAYLYNN: It's not a crush. It's love. And I'm really uncomfortable about the whole thing. He should've just stopped if he knew what was good for him.

CHUCK D: I see Wade and I see an awkward young man. He's in love right now. He doesn't understand what it truly means to care for someone and feel affection. Right now, I'm not sure if his feelings are coming together the way he wants them to.

JAYLYNN: But why does he have to annoy me all the time?

PROFESSOR GRIFF: Annoy you? Man, I've dealt with this fool for years, and he has annoyed the HELL out of me!

FLAVOR FLAV: Yo, G, you know that Public Enemy would not be what it is without me!

GRIFF: You know for a fact that this group was not in your future until Chuck suggested it!

FLAV: Yeah, but I made Public Enemy better, G!

GRIFF: And stop calling me G! It's not 1989 anymore, man.

FLAV: Yeah, whatever, G.

CHUCK D: I couldn't have done Public Enemy without Flavor, no matter how crazy he is. He's my best friend and I'm sticking by him. I mean, he drives himself crazy.

JAYLYNN: I don't understand his ways either. They're not the normal way to go.

HANK: Hey, when we were taking sample after sample after sample, nobody understood it either. It was definitely unlike anything that had ever been done before. We did 109 beats a minute, compared to the 98 other rappers were doing. It was scary, it made headlines, but we had to do it. We didn't know any other way to present Public Enemy.

KEITH: Wade probably doesn't try to be annoying. He just is. But that's just the way he is. How would you feel if a guy you liked stomped you out like that?

JAYLYNN: Bad, I guess. But I would get over it.

VIETNAM: Wade is in love with you, Jaylynn. He wants no other girl in the world, only you. You don't have to return his feelings. But you need to work WITH him instead of AGAINST him.

JAYLYNN: I think I get it now.

DMC: Listen to these guys, Jaylynn. They're some of the most important men in the history of hip-hop.

CHUCK D: Look who's talking. One-third of the greatest rap group of all-time.

(Jaylynn walks to the kitchen)

JAYLYNN: Buster, can we talk?

BUSTER: Yeah, I guess, whatever.

(in the bathroom) SPARKY: Damn, that hospital is taking years.

SCENE 10

The Saltalamacchia Household

Interior Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

WADE: Worst. Night. Ever. The girl of my dreams rejected me not only of my friends and peers, but my heroes. Why does everything bad happen to me? I was nearly killed two months ago and now this.

(door knocking)

WADE: You might as well come in. There's nobody that cares anyway.

IYANLA VANZANT: I would be hard-pressed to argue with that.

WADE: Iyanla Vanzant? Fix My Life Iyanla Vanzant?

IYANLA VANZANT: That's the one.

WADE: I can't believe Jaylynn got you.

IYANLA VANZANT: I was really excited to meet you. I heard you were a genius.

WADE: Yeah, when it comes to academics. Love? Different story.

IYANLA VANZANT: Look, Wade, I came late so I didn't see what happened. But I heard everything. Frankly, I was shocked Jaylynn turned you down so coldly. She seems really nice.

WADE: Yeah, to everyone else.

IYANLA VANZANT: I think Jaylynn really does care about you deep down. She's just been pressured to give you the wrong ideas. Women never come forward with their true feelings when it comes to men. They love biding their time.

WADE: But I don't get it. Why can't I get girls?

IYANLA VANZANT: I don't think you can't get girls, Wade. Some just have more to offer than you.

WADE: Like what?

IYANLA VANZANT: Money, popularity, nice things. While you have the power to pay their bills and help them out with any problem. Kids just don't see things the way you and your friends do.

WADE: Figures.

IYANLA VANZANT: Wade, I know Jaylynn means the world to you. But you just turned eight. You have so much time to find that special girl.

WADE: You really think so?

IYANLA VANZANT: I know so. Give Jaylynn time to realize who really loves her. And if she isn't budging, there are plenty of other females that would be lining up to be yours.

WADE: Wow. Thanks Iyanla.

IYANLA VANZANT: Any time, sweetheart.

(Wade and Iyanla hug)

IYANLA VANZANT: Now I heard there's some Samoas here so I'm going to get down to the snack table. Meanwhile, there's a certain girl who wants to fix things.

(Iyanla heads downstairs)

JAYLYNN: Hi Wade.

WADE: Hey.

JAYLYNN: Wade, I'm really sorry over what happened tonight. I didn't mean to hurt you like that. It's just, when you kissed me, it made me feel like you didn't respect my feelings.

WADE: I do.

JAYLYNN: Then why do you always try to get with me?

WADE: Because I'm in love with you, and I can't stop until you're mine.

JAYLYNN: Wade, you're a really sweet guy, you know that?

WADE: Thanks.

(in the bathroom) SPARKY: SOMEONE PLEASE CALL THE HOSPITAL BACK! THE CHICKEN'S COLD, SCARED, AND SHRINKING!

WADE: So, for the last time, where do you stand? How do you really feel?

JAYLYNN: The truth is...I just don't have any romantic attraction to you. At all.

WADE: Oh. Well, what DO you like about me? I mean, it could be worse. I could be as unattractive as other kids.

(a picture is shown of Little Bill)

JAYLYNN: You're very smart. Your little outbursts have me cracking up most of the time. I love your sarcasm. And don't take this the wrong way...but you're handsome.

(long pause)

WADE: You think I'm HANDSOME?

JAYLYNN: Don't take it the wrong way, it's merely an observation.

WADE: You think I'm handsome? Jaylynn Michelle Huie, you...

(Jaylynn kisses Wade on the cheek)

WADE: What was that for?

JAYLYNN: You deserved it. You may not be my favorite person, but you're still a good friend. Just stop with the romance stuff, OK? Love freaks me out.

WADE: Why?

JAYLYNN: I've never experienced it. Maybe I will in the future, but that's why I was so cold to you tonight. I'm just numb to a lot of affection.

WADE: Oh.

JAYLYNN: Friends?

(long pause, as Wade even considers leaving, but comes back)

WADE: Friends.

JAYLYNN: Happy birthday Wade.

WADE: Thank you Jaylynn.

(Wade and Jaylynn hug)

SCENE 11

The Saltalamacchia Household

Exterior Frontyard

Seattle, Washington

BUSTER: Thank God I remembered to call.

SPARKY: Why I oughta...ow.

PARAMEDIC: Don't strain yourself, kid.

SPARKY: Will I be able to use my chicken again?

PARAMEDIC: Kid, just say penis.

SPARKY: Fine.

MALIK: Yo, Buster, is Sparky going to be OK?

BUSTER: He's going to be A-OK. In the meantime, let's all give Sparky a "Mr. Party!" chant in honor of his bravery. MR. PARTY! (clapping) MR. PARTY!

(Soon, the whole living room is chanting "Mr. Party!")

SPARKY: Hello?

HALLEY: Yeah, Sparky, Buster texted me what happened. Are you OK? Are they going to get it out?

(Sparky realizes the enviable position he's in)

SPARKY: I have the best friend in the world. Thanks to him, Mr. Party is back and in full effect. He's back.

HALLEY: Sparky, who are you talking about?

(in front of black screen) RK: MR. PARTY, DAMMIT!

KG: OK, party people in the place to be. I'm about to play one of Wade's favorite tracks. Bust this.

(turntable scratching; "Light Up" by Larry Smoove starts to play)

KG: COME ON NOW! EVERYBODY GET UP!

(All the partygoers are moving their butts, even the paramedics)

SPARKY: GUYS, MY DICK!

PARAMEDIC: Oh yeah. Come on, guys!

SANNA: Come on Ashley, why aren't you dancing?

ASHLEY: I'm shy. I can't dance in front of all these people.

SANNA: Ah, you're such a white girl sometimes.

ASHLEY: You're one to talk. Betty White has better moves than yours.

PROFESSOR GRIFF: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE REVOLUTION...WILL NOT BE TELEVISED! CONSIDER YOURSELVES...WARNED! S1W!

(KG creates a break and plays Public Enemy's "Night of the Living Baseheads." Griff and the S1W perform their trademark choreographed dance sequence, fake Uzis and everything; after they finish, KG puts "Light Up" back on)

(Clips are shown of others dancing, including Samantha Micelli doing her trademark dance on the Who's The Boss? episode "A Trip To The Principal," SpongeBob and Patrick doing the Goofy Goober dance in The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie, Arthur doing his "A-A-R-D-V-A-R-K" dance in the Arthur episode "Arthur's Spelling Trubble,"and New York Giants wide receiver Victor Cruz doing his salsa dance)

KG: THAT WAS DOPE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY WADE!

(cheering; RK is once again hit by a flying pumpkin)

RK: It's not even breakfast yet! And where the hell did that come from? Oh, sweet Jesus!

TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: And now it's time for...

STEVE SONGS: Yoo-hoo!

KIDS: Music Time!

STEVE SONGS: With Steve Songs.

("N.Y. State of Mind" by Nas playing in the end credits)

©2013 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS

DEDICATED TO MY 22-YEAR-OLD SISTER JANE, WHO TURNS 23 ON SATURDAY! :)