Right, here we are with the first chapter of my Artemis Fowl fanfic!

All the characters in this story belong to Eoin Colfer. He's awesome.

I hope you enjoy this, more chapters'll follow. Review this? Reviews would be much appreciated.

Let's get started!

"Check."

Artemis smirked down at Myles, who was involved with him in a game of chess. Myles was frowning at the board, scrutinizing the pieces and moving only when he was absolutely sure. Artemis was amused at how seriously the younger boy was taking the game.

"Myles," he started, but was rather abruptly interrupted by the howling, four-year-old bundle of energy that was Beckett – who had bounded into the room. The pieces were knocked off the board, at which Myles snarled and leapt onto his twin.

"You simpleton," he spat, through muffled grunts.

Artemis raised his hands in exasperation as Butler walked into the room, eyebrows raised at the wrestling match that was now taking place in the centre of the room.

"I didn't do anything."

Butler only smiled. "I know. Those two have been at it all day. It's like they're making up for the sibling rivalry you never had."

Artemis smirked. "If only."

"So are you going to come down for dinner, or will you just be in your room?"

"In my room; I have some things to take care of," Artemis replied, getting up from the armchair and making his way towards his own room. "I've already eaten a bit, and I have more pressing matters to take care of at the moment."

"Just make sure it's nothing criminal" said Butler, half-jokingly.

He couldn't see the shadow that passed across Artemis' face.

Artemis turned on his computer and sat down. It quietly hummed, loading up his menu screen within fifteen seconds. Sliding his hands onto the keyboard, he opened up his personal browser, and opened his bank account manager.

He had many bank accounts, of course, but he kept them all for different things. This particular bank account was rather large, and Artemis tapped away at the keyboard, transferring and paying funds to other accounts with a neutral expression on his face.

Time passed quickly, and it was late in the evening by the time he was finished. He glanced away from the computer, blinking to get accustomed to the darkness. He could hear Butler's calm drone downstairs, through the floor, under Beckett's high-pitched voice. Beckett was clearly being told to go to bed. Turning back to the computer, he saw an instant message icon flashing in the bottom right corner. Sighing, he opened the window:

At 23:00, FoalyLEPTech wrote: How's my favourite Mud Boy?

At 23:01, ArtemisFowl2 wrote: I was about to retire to bed. Do you need something?

At 23:01, FoalyLEPTech wrote: Me? Need something from you?

At 23:02, ArtemisFowl2 wrote: It wouldn't be the first time. And it's not a good idea for you to be procrastinating on the job.

At 23:03, FoalyLEPTech wrote: Who says I'm on my shift?

At 23:03, ArtemisFowl2 wrote: Well, I assumed that if you weren't on your shift, you'd either be at home with your dear wife or at least out doing something else. Your personal computer has the username 'Riverbend4Life'. Even a goblin could deduce that.

At 23:04, FoalyLEPTech wrote: Correct, I'm on a night shift. But you're wrong; goblins are seriously stupid. And you clearly have no Riverbend in your soul.

At 23:04, ArtemisFowl2 wrote: I suppose so. And I'm glad I don't have … Riverbend in my soul. Either way, I did say I was going to retire.

You have signed out.

Artemis switched off the computer and stood up, rotating his shoulders. Draping his casual shirt and trousers neatly over his chair, he changed into a nightshirt and settled into bed.

It was not like Artemis to lie still in a bed doing nothing; it was inefficient and not productive. If his brain had not already been whirring like one of his mechanical contraptions, he would have been mentally chiding himself. But his mind was occupied –with thoughts he never thought he would even be having.

Artemis had been a criminal for all his life. He had grown up in a criminal family – that was what the Fowls were, after all. And he had committed criminal acts himself; he had stolen, he had threatened, he had lied – and all from a very young age too. It was a second nature to him.

Yet, this was the one thing that disturbed him the most. It wracked him with guilt that he was as bad as Opal Koboi - and any other criminal. Aurum potestas est, he had been taught. Gold is power. He had been brought up to love gold and acquire it by any means.

And somehow, as if being a traitor to the criminal he was brought up as, he was beginning to dislike gold. He disliked the way it bent the weak-minded, influenced even the strong-willed and caused the majority of humans to soil their hands as they went after it – including himself. He had witnessed deaths in the past, and although he had not approved of killing, he had never had the courage to put an end to it. To put an end to the business his father had entrusted to him.

His father always told him now to ignore the pull of gold, and to live an honest life. And he wanted to; it was the one thing he wished for. But this was going against the very principles that had been drilled into him from a young age – going against the motto that had defined his life. And that was no easy task, even for a prodigy such as he.

He was well aware of how Atlantis Complex had developed in him, but he had recovered from that. He was also aware that that particular illness had been induced by guilt. And guilt, he realised, was what he was feeling now. Yes, he had gotten rid of Orion and his paranoia was gone – essentially the Atlantis Complex was gone. But the guilt remained, and one of his biggest fears was that it would never go away.

His train of thought was abruptly interrupted by a beeping noise, coming from his hand. Frowning, he raised the ring that was his fairy communicator to his ear.

"Foaly, what is it? I told you, it's late." He sounded a little too annoyed, but he didn't particularly care.

"Artemis?" Holly's voice seemed to reach through the communicator and into his brain, calming him down.

"Holly? I'm sorry, I thought it was Foaly again," he said quickly. "Is anything the matter?"

"Nothing, it's been a while since we talked. I just wanted to make sure everything was alright. You sound pretty tired; too much time on that laptop, no doubt."

"Computer," he corrected. "And I think it's more likely I'm tired because it's midnight."

"Never stopped you before," she replied.

"Admittedly, it hasn't. How's the crime fighting?"

"Boring," Holly replied with a burst of static that could have been a sigh. "Trouble's not giving me any assignments of importance. It's mostly just patrol duty."

"So when're you two getting married?" he joked.

"Artemis! I go on ONE date. ONE date and this is what I get. Seriously, I just did it to make him feel better – it's not like we're even in a relationship," came the flustered response.

Artemis chuckled. "Right."

"I'm being serious."

Artemis yawned, blinking his eyes and suddenly feeling very tired. "OK. I'm currently too tired to even crack another joke. I'm going to sleep now. Try not to get yourself killed while you're on," he snickered, "Patrol duty."

Holly laughed a bit at that, but Artemis was already asleep, his gentle breathing sending tiny bursts of static through the communicator. She groaned and ended the call, slipping her communicator back on her finger before lying back on her pillow, her miscoloured eyes slowly closing.

Artemis woke up late, with the communicator digging into his cheek. Pulling away his hand, he rubbed at the mark while giving his brain time to wake up completely. Strangely, all he could seem to think about was Riverbend. Shuddering, he climbed out of bed and stretched his tense limbs. It was a neutral morning, a little daylight streaming through the curtains but not enough to be referred to as sunlight.

Artemis had been brushing up on his physical skills – after so many years of wishing he had them, he had eventually decided to at least build them up to an acceptable level. He lay down on the floor in a prone position, and then propped himself up with his arms and began doing press-ups. After twenty, he stretched out onto his back and moved onto sit-ups. Grunting a bit, he finished those too and stood up. His brain and body were now fully awake, ready for the day ahead and without any hindrances.

He entered the bathroom, shutting the door before removing his night clothes and stepping into the shower.

The cold of the water washed out all the grogginess, and he emerged 5 minutes later, dripping wet. Two ironed suits hung from pegs on the door – a black-jacketed Baroni and an Isaia. The cheaper Baroni would do for today – he had a lot of moving around to do.

The steamy mirror distorted his reflection slightly as he combed his ink-black hair. It was slightly longer now, due to a direct request by his mother. To be honest, he didn't really mind – the hair did give him a somewhat daunting appearance, especially in contrast with his pale complexion. He remained the same size as he had been 2 years ago, despite being in a supposed growth phase. It was unfortunate, but not something he could bring himself to worry much about.

Folding up the towel and dirty clothes from yesterday, he walked out of the bathroom and deposited them in the laundry basket, just as his mother strode in with a tray.

"Good morning, Arty," she said with a bright smile, "I'm afraid we had to have breakfast without you, but I brought yours up for you!"

"Thank you, mother, but I think I'll have it downstairs – I'm dressed now," Artemis replied, taking the tray. It was laden with bacon, fried eggs and bread.

She walked past to retrieve the laundry, tousling his hair. "Honey, it's OK. You can call me 'Mum' – nobody's around!"

"Mother, I just combed that!" he protested, ducking under the arm as his mother laughed, and he made his way downstairs.

He entered the kitchen, put the tray on the table and sat down. Butler was cleaning away the remains of the family's breakfast, and he smiled as Artemis walked in.

"I still don't understand how you manage to look so…immaculate, even when you wake up late." Butler unloaded the tray onto the breakfast table for him.

Artemis shook his head. "I cannot fathom why mothers take it upon themselves to ruffle their children's hair," he complained, smoothing his now tangled locks.

Butler laughed at that. "Force of habit, I suppose. Tea?"

Artemis nodded and eyed the tray with distaste. As Butler put the kettle on, he pushed it away.

"I'll have Weetabix today." He grabbed the cereal box and pulled out two biscuits, placing them in his cereal bowl unbroken. Butler handed him the milk and he poured it quietly, gazing out at the lawn through the window.

His thoughts wondered as he ate, remembering the night before. The feelings of guilt almost resurfaced again, but he pushed them down firmly, deciding not to waste a whole day feeling sorry for himself. He spooned the cereal into his mouth, planning the day ahead of him as he munched. One of his business contacts had requested a meeting today, to request a partnership with the Fowls. Artemis doubted he would agree, but he decided he would go through with it anyway. No harm in giving it a shot.

Artemis finished off his breakfast as it was reaching 11 o'clock. He got up and smoothed down his suit, before walking down the hallway to gather his files.

Holly woke up to a loud melody resounding from her alarm.

"Turn off," she said clearly – at which the alarm did and she stared up at the ceiling, blinking in the morning light. Wishing for a second that she was on the surface, listening to birds chirping and the other sounds of nature, she dragged herself out of bed before she could fall back asleep.

She sat there for a minute, yawning and clearing her thoughts. Her bedroom was small and cosy, as much as she could afford – and she preferred it that way. Gazing around a little dreamily, she spotted a familiar figure sprinting past through the window. It was stocky, short and emitting dirt onto the ground everywhere behind it.

Mulch? She thought, puzzled. Then she saw a group of goblins sprinting past too, fireballs hissing in their fists. She sighed, no shower for me today, then. Putting her alarm on the table, she got up quickly, stretched, and then hurried off to the bathroom to get ready.

Exactly 6 and a half minutes later, she was sprinting out of the door kitted out in a jumpsuit and readjusting her helmet. Her Neutrino handgun was in its holster, setting flicked to stun. She could easily tell which way to go – there was earth spewed all over the floor. Some cinders were alighting in a nearby bush, threatening to catch fire in earnest, so Holly quickly stemmed them with some leaves and sprinted on.

Turning a corner, she heard voices up ahead and drew her Neutrino cautiously. An alley on the street was glowing suspiciously, and she ran to it, getting excited. She truthfully hadn't been allowed on any dangerous missions, and while most people would be glad, Holly was aching for some decent action. It was boring down in Haven and there was nothing to do for an elf who lived alone such as her.

Mulch was cornered up against the wall by three goblins, a false look of terror on his face. It was so obvious that it looked like he was about to burst out laughing – however, goblins aren't known for their intelligence and they hissed, advancing on him with their hands raised menacingly. It was almost comical and Holly bit back a grin, knowing Mulch was preparing himself for something big.

Holly decided she wasn't going to let him get all the fun out of the situation, and she gave a shout before firing three quick shots of her handgun. Two of the goblins instantly collapsed, incapacitated – but the third had ducked low as the shot whizzed past his head. Mulch was forced to jump out of the way and the goblin turned round, conjuring a fireball and sending it hurtling towards her. It flashed towards her and she dived to the right, feeling the heat of it sizzle as she rolled back to her feet and fired a couple more blasts at the goblin. It hid behind a waste disposal unit, fireballs in hand. The Neutrino shots sunk into the unit, demolishing it as it beeped in protest.

The hapless goblin hadn't, of course, taken into account that Mulch Diggums was standing less than 5 feet away from him, an extremely tense expression on his face. Holly noticed it, and hastily backed out of the alleyway, dodging two more fireballs with a duck to the right. The goblin snarled in triumph, assuming she'd retreated out of fear. Which, ironically, she had…

The gas bubbles in Mulch's stomach had built up to a peak by now and he turned around, unbuttoning his bum-flap. He could feel them vibrating in his backside, desperate to be released. He couldn't have stopped the impending missile even if he wanted to.

A little 'squeak' of air escaped his behind and the goblin turned round, suddenly remembering. It was too late, of course, and the goblin barely made a sound as he was blasted thirty metres into the air before his primitive brain could grasp what had even happened.

Holly dumped the three unconscious goblins in a heap, scowling at Mulch.

"Had to make a scene of it, didn't you," she grumbled. She'd scouted around and finally found the goblin lying dazed in a garden, a fair distance away, and she wasn't particularly pleased about it.

Mulch held up his hands. "It wasn't intentional." He went on, "Clay can be a very unpredictable substance when ingested. Sometimes it'll lie inside you, dormant for hours, and then it'll just explode." He waved his arms, indicating an explosion.

Holly yawned. "Like I care. Thanks for waking me up so early."

"You're welcome!" Mulch grinned, completely missing the sarcasm in the statement. Suddenly his face twisted in discomfort, and he clutched his stomach.

Holly paled and backed away. "No. That had better not be happening."

"A-aftershock.." was all Mulch managed, before he let loose, ripping a hole in his own flap as the last vestiges of gas inside his system forced their way out of him.

Holly barely managed to gasp before she was lifted off her feet and thrown against the wall by the gust. She lay there for a minute, slightly dazed, and glanced at her Neutrino on the floor, which had fallen out of its holster.

Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Mulch bent double, unable to control his laughter. The dwarf was laughing.

She was going to kill him.