I have no idea where this came from, but it´s here. No plot, barely a story. Anyway, thanks for reading.
It was hard, sometimes. Pretending to be normal. Pretending to never had been hit with a tragedy that caused so many sleepless nights. Tragedy that caused him loose his own mind for not so short period of time. Tragedy that almost destroyed his life. Tragedy that was haunting him and probably will never stop doing so.
He shifted in his sleep, grabbing the mattress tightly. So far, nothing else gave up his bad dream. He was used to waking up alone, or spending the night alone, only with his own thoughts.
Nights were always worse than days.
It had nothing to do with being alone.
Or it had.
He wasn´t sure.
It was just...the darkness and calmness of night gave him more room for his own mind than the day spent at bullpen.
Maybe that´s why he slept so well in there, on his couch, surrounded by voices and noises he knew. A place where he belonged, no matter what he did.
During the night time, with nothing else besides his own mind and dreams, no voices, no sounds, just the calmness and soundless room, dread used to find its way back to him.
Nothing to distract him.
No one to talk to.
Just him.
And the silence.
Jane breathed heavily, sweat appearing on his forehead.
He couldn´t wake up. You can hardly wake up from a living nightmare. With the mind strong as steel, with the memories burned deeply inside, there was not a chance of forgetting.
Forgive, but never forget, people used to say.
Forgiving was not an option, as long as he was concerned
He would never forgive Red John for his crimes.
As the same as he would never forgive himself for letting that one particular crime happen.
Never.
It was unquestionable.
The guilt was there, never to let go of him.
Those images he wished he never saw.
He wished he never caused.
He wished to never have existed...
They were there with him. Forever. There was no escape.
Yet...he wasn´t alone. Not anymore.
When the shaking that soon evolved into trashing started, there was someone for him.
Someone whispering soothing words which traveled through the complicated nerve system right into his brain.
No amount of pain could stop them. No amount of guilt. No amount of shame.
No matter how hard his own mind fought, these words mattered.
Luckily.
"Shh, it´s okay. It´s okay Patrick, it´s just a bad dream..."
Is it?
Was it?
His eyes opened wide.
Nothing to see, but the darkness.
Just bit of light, shining through the curtains from the street lamps outside.
And a silhouette of person leaning over him.
Her hair tickled his cheeks.
That hair carrying the scent of..., home.
Just one inhale of that lovely scent made him feel a little better.
"You okay?" she asks, reaching for his hand.
He nods.
"You don´t look like it, you´re all sweaty..."
I´m fine, he wanted to say. Yet those words died in his throat.
"C´mon, let´s get you up. I´ll make you a cup of tea while you take a shower, what do you say?"
He nodded one more time, grabbing the offered hand.
He remained silent while she let him into the bathroom, handing him fresh pajamas she somehow picked form the wardrobe.
She leaves wordless Jane alone, while he shed those sweat soaked pajamas, leaving them where they fell.
It´s not a usual sight, a silent Jane, but she knows all about it.
She seen it all, already.
Yet, she is still here.
She still there when he emerges from the shower, dressed in fresh, dry pajamas.
The lights are on, not just the ones in the kitchen. It seems that she let all the lights on, from the bedroom to the kitchen.
Jane doesn´t mind. Not in his stare.
The steaming cup of tea is present at the kitchen table, alongside with the woman he loves.
She´s smiling a little.
Another cup of tea in her hands.
He sits down, her fingers entangling with his immediately.
He picks up the cup with his free hand and sips on it.
He savors the taste with his eyes closed, humming contently.
"Thank you," he whispers. Not just for the tea.
"Sure, wanna watch some TV? I´m not that tired."
Jane nods.
Sleep lost its attraction, at least for now.
He knew how this will go. Half an hour into watching TV, Lisbon falls asleep on his lap, or shoulder, or any other body part presented. He will stay awake, watch some mindless show about animals, or any other given thing.
Later, he will pick her up, or wake her up - he haven´t decided on this yet, and they´ll go back to bed.
And everything will be considerably all right.
A distraction - that was all he needed before.
Not anymore.
"I love you," she whispers into his ears, while they both are lying on the couch, snuggled close to each other.
"Love you too" he whispers back, not even giving a damn about the TV anymore.
The rest of the night is calm.
The good type of calm.
There is no need for carrying or waking anybody up.
They will both woke up on the couch the next morning with the nightmare almost forgotten.
You made it to the end, thank you :)