Rex Tremendae by Anaïs
Chapter 1
Once upon a time, over the rainbow and under the lake, in a land far far away and in a world even further, there was He.
He was the epitome of a perfect Man: he smelled good, had high metabolism (hence no extraneous fat anywhere), was the proud owner of high cheekbones, large hands and remarkably sensual lips. Many women would have died just to touch his well-muscled thigh but He was rather picky. Of course that is where biology took its due course. He was not averse to a random shag here and there but for the Love of His Life scenario...Well, it hadn't gotten to that yet. He knew one thing: She was going to be perfect. In fact, she was going to be just like Him, though of course she'd be female.
He was called Charming and naturally anything and everything he did was just like his name - charming from the beginning to an end. It goes without saying that there weren't many women, who could compete with such beauty and perfection. After all they were the ones, who were supposed to be perfect in this equation. To have a male beat them at this would be just...wrong.
Poor Charming drooped and moped. Here and there shags were well and good but sometimes he wanted something permanent. That's exactly where all the women suddenly disappeared, claiming commitment issues, inability to share bathroom mirrors and other similar bunk. Charming was sinking into a deep depression.
One such day, Charming forlornly trooped his edible ass out to the training fields. Being so yummy, He could naturally be one thing and one thing only, of course. And that would be a Prince. It doesn't really matter what you were a Prince of as long as you had that lovely P word before your name. You could be a Prince of a Puddle for all anyone cared (they did after the wedding but that's another story) but you were still a Prince. Fortune really smiled on our little boy though. He was a Prince but not of a Puddle. He was Prince of a Big Castle on a Hill. Naturally he was quite a catch but again, those blasted looks got in the way.
Like we were saying, Charming trooped his ass to the training fields. Once he got there, however, he couldn't really proceed as planned and do what he wanted (i.e.: train). The reason for that was simple: an old, fat lady was reclining in an equally fat and old armchair right in the middle of the field and smoking a cigar. Charming was shocked! Such blatant insult to aesthetism was hurting his soulful hazel orbs with long lashes (just like a cow's). He cautiously approached said woman, not really knowing what to expect. After all, ugly people were known to become jealous and even just a tad violent with those who were far more blessed when it came to appearances. While Charming hated his looks on occasion, overall, he was quite fond of Them and did not want to lose Them anytime soon.
The old, fat lady continued reclining and indeed, looked very comfortable. Charming felt distinctly at a disadvantage but couldn't very well turn back, especially now that the old, fat lady fixed her beady eye on him. It seemed to mock him, daring him to come closer, so Charming did just that.
The old woman took him in and failed to look impressed. This was a most direct affront to Charming. How dare she? She did dare apparently, for she continued appraising him with those horrid beady black eyes. Charming began experiencing this particular fear that all chickens are familiar with, especially just before they're going to be slain. The old woman, however, seemed to have glared enough and finally deigned to speak.
"You seem to be plagued by something of little importance, little Prince," she croaked slyly. "I may be able to help you, but that of course depends whether or not you'd be interested in accepting help from someone, who looks like this!" With that she spread open her arms and Charming got an eyefull of rolls upon rolls of fat encased in slithery old black silk. Only very good manners, as well as the fact that he found throwing up to be disgusting and emotionally draining, prevented him from doing so.
"What plagues me is far from being of little importance, Madam," announced Charming.
The old hag hacked a horrible cough. It took Charming some time to figure out that she was actually laughing. He recoiled in horror and deeply regretted leaving his bathroom that morning.
"It would be terribly important to you, yes," she continued laughing. "But I am not impressed, my child, not impressed in the least." She heaved her ancient body up and wobbled unsteadily. Her weight was most certainly a hindrance. Charming wrinkled his manly yet cute nose with distaste.
"My looks offend your delicate sensibilities, I see" mocked the old woman, who now decided to dig in a capacious leather bag sitting next to the armchair.
Things happened rather quickly after that. The old woman took out a little powder compact. Charming's jaw dropped in surprise. Surely someone who looked like that did not care much for her looks to begin with. But strangely enough the woman did not powder her face. She opened the little compact and took out an even smaller puff. Despite her earlier sharp words, she seemed to waver somewhat but that indecision did not last long enough.
"Think fast, Prince Charming," she whispered and gently shook the powder puff at the young man. Charming sputtered. What did she think she was doing? Who did she think she was?!
But before he could tell the ugly hag everything that he thought of her and her ridiculous behaviour, he felt rather…dazed.
"Tell me, Charming, what else do you do in your life other than look manly and curl your hair?"
Charming opened his mouth to answer that presumptuous question but immediately shut it again. He simply could not say anything! He was thinking! It was a novel feeling as it did not happen too often. The old woman smirked and waited for him to come to, which he did after a painful realization dawned on his Botticelli face.
"Nothing," he whispered. "There is no reason for me to do anything." He glanced around looking decidedly lost. "I am beautiful," Charming mumbled. "Surely that should be enough?"
The old woman shook her head. She carefully packed away her compact and snapping her bag closed, looked at Charming.
"No, my darling, it's not enough," she said gently. "Beautiful people are a dime a dozen but it stopped being enough a long time ago. In fact," she looked thoughtful for a moment, "I doubt if it was ever enough."
Charming continued to look completely dumbfounded. She sighed and the impatient glint was back in her eye
"Let's go for a little trip, little boy," she murmured. Charming was still doing a very good impression of a statue. Judging by the expression on her face, the woman briefly considered murder but apparently decided against it.
"Very well, so be it!" she sighed wearily. Limping heavily over to Charming, she beckoned for him to bend a bit. Charming obliged as though hypnotized. The old woman whispered something in his ear and suddenly Charming was no more. Where he stood there was a lovely, pure white, fluffy little bunny, who looked utterly charming.
The old woman blinked heavily and then closed her eyes. When she opened them the old dress no longer stretched grotesquely over her body, her skin was no longer wrinkled and the gray hair was instead a dark brown. The young woman, for no one in their right mind would call her old now, started digging in her purse again.
"Where are they?" she muttered, continuing her search. The bunny was looking very bemused when the woman straightened up, brushing her hair out of her eyes.
"To hell with those anyway," she kept muttering. "I should have quit a long time ago."
The bunny hopped over and gazed at the young sorceress with what he considered a decidedly charming expression. Apparently the young woman agreed.
"Well, you are decidedly cuter as a bunny," she informed the little creature, bending down and picking him up. "Now as for that ride I promised you…"
Swinging her bulging bag on her shoulder, she started out purposefully for the forest, the bunny snuggled contently in her arms.