15.07.2015 like a robot
did you know what really strange is? that everyone thinks i am tough and i am strong. they think i am a robot. so 'perfect'. that i have feelings but that someones believes in that i don't think so. they never seen me crying. though tears can produce a outage at technical things like robots maybe they destroy them. they aren't so mistaken with their theories. i am destroyed just not because of tears. just because of her. im sorry...
18.07.2015 like a stranger
everybody comes over me really fast. i am always the one who is grieving over years. like i've never been here. just completely unnessecary. your in friendship with someone. you're writing messages everyday. met quite often and stuff. you trusted completely in that person. and suddenly from now and then there's no contact anymore. people you known damn well are strangers to you now.
21.07.2015 liek depression
i just feel like i'm nothing and i dont mean like the depression. nothing i mean i feel like i am nothing. i'm just a person i'm not very productive i avoid responsibilities. i have no real skills i get overwhelmed easily. i am nothing and i'm pretty much no more useful than your average office worker. i feel like i will end up with a boring life and be stuck in misery for the rest of my life. that wasn't my fault. when did this happe? when did i become just another person...
27.07.2015 thoughts of suicide
i think i am
goint to kill
myself.
maybe not today
or not next week
or next year.
but i can feel it.
i will end my
life on my
own terms.
30.07.2015 the end?
do you know what's really disgusting? nobody understands how i feel and nobody cares a piece of shit. i'm exhausted. it's not just a heart break and this is passing by. no, i'm finished. i don't want anymore. everytime i am happy then somethig crashes it. every fucking time. my heart hurte the whole fucking day. i always have the feeling you slowly takes my air to breathe. now i'm wishing it... i don't talk about that because of her. i don' anymore. everyday the good mood and faking a smile liek i'm feeling 'good'. i have slowly finished and i don't want to ve strong anymore. i hate all of me and i hate the whole world!
05.08.2015 she...
everytime i hear her name i get pallid and tears gets into my eyes. i can't tell anyone that i don't miss her. that would be wrong. because... i am still in love with her... no. i am still in love. addicted. like she's a drug. and i would kill and die for that drug. she's destroying me. i hate her... but i love her, too.
08.08.2015 love is...
i never let somebody near my soul. love is something bad. it's very bad. i've been always saying that to me. but then there was her. you were different anyway. you touched me deep inside but you don't touched my body. i had to htink of you all the time and then as you said you love me... oh my god i don't know what i should say or answer. i didn't know what love really is. what is love? it's a feeling that makes you happy and then it destroys you? you was always teh first take. i wish i were your first take. but then i know what love is. love is a horrible feeling. when it ends it will make you cold. your heart hurts to much. maybe a heart should only be here to push blood in it.
07.10.2015
do not fall in love with people like me. i will take you to museums, and parks, and monuments, and kiss you in every beautyful place, so that you can never go back to them without tasting me like blood in you mouth. i will destroy you in the most beautyful way possible. and when i leave you will finally understand, why storms named after people.