"I think I'm gonna try to date again."
Those eight or so words hung in the air as Lexa chomped away on her cinnamon life cereal, jaw sticking in place halfway jutted to the left as she realized with a glance that Clarke was being serious.
She felt fortunate that her mouth was so overfull with cereal that her wince would be taken as difficulty swallowing, not wanting her roommate of seventeen months to feel like she couldn't talk about dating with her. They talked about everything, of course dating would be a topic of discussion eventually, Lexa had just hoped it would stay away a bit longer this time.
Not that she didn't want Clarke to be happy. She loved Clarke.
Maybe a bit more than she should, but she loved her, and if dating could make her happy, then that was for the best, but she remembered the previous two stints on OKCupid. She remembered weeks of heartbreak and wounded hope splattered across Clarke's canvases. She remembered long sleepless nights of covering her listless roommate with blankets and keeping her company until she fell asleep. She remembered the weeks of lost confidence and anxiety and self doubt.
She loved Clarke too much to feel enthused over the prospect of the blonde making another venture into the dating world. Clarke was strong, Clarke was the kind of person to elevate herself, but it didn't change that the woman was vulnerable in the dating world.
Lexa finished swallowing her cereal and placed her spoon down momentarily. "Want me to clear out that email and your account of old messages so you can start fresh?"
"Can you?" Clarke asked, giving her puppy-dog eyes, as if she even needed that kind of manipulation to do her best friend's bidding.
"Of course, Clarke. I suggested it." She answered with a laugh before digging into her cereal again, hoping its delicious cinnamon goodness would overwhelm the bad taste all those previous memories left.
Clarke rounded the table, leaning down to press a kiss to her cereal-full cheek that had her heart feeling like it'd doubled in size, her whole body tingling and warm from the gesture. "You're the best, babe."
She'd probably be sadder about the whole situation if those special bits of affection didn't feel so goddamn nice.
"So you say." Lexa mumbled after swallowing her mouthful, grinning when Clarke just rolled her eyes.
"So I know." Clarke shot back, rifling through her bag to make sure she had everything she needed for the day's classes. "And hey, can we order a pizza tonight for dinner? It's been, like, two months. We should get a pizza."
Lexa considered their schedules, slowly nodding as a plan came to fruition in her mind. "I have to drop something off at Anya's when she gets home around five-thirty. Your last class finishes at six, so I can pick up a pizza and get home just around when you'd be getting back from school. That sound good?"
"That sounds perfect, actually. And can we get a..."
"...pepperoni-pineapple?" She interjected, her casual prediction bringing a blush to the blonde's cheeks. It wasn't her first choice of toppings, preferring a top quality cheese pizza any day of the week, but it was tasty enough, and it was Clarke's favourite. It was one of a few things she had difficulty contesting the blonde on. "Of course, Clarke."
"Did you ever know that you're my herooooo..." Clarke sang as she slung her bag over her shoulder. "But seriously, I'm making a mental note of this moment. I'm etching this favor into my brain, and one day..."
"Clarke, it's not a big deal." Lexa let out with a sigh as she scooped up more cereal.
"...one day...without warning, you'll find yourself presented with something you didn't even know you were craving, and you will know that the debt is paid." Clarke continued, ignoring her utter apathy at the notion of being paid back. Friends helped each other out. Friends compromised with each other. She was just being a good friend.
"Face it, you just wanted to make a dramatic statement. 'The debt is paid'...really? You've been watching too much Game of Thrones, Clarke." Lexa let out before chomping down on another spoonful of her cereal.
Clarke just laughed as she made her way to the door. "Maybe I'm dramatic for saying it, but you're a nerd for knowing it." The blonde said with a playful grin that had Lexa feeling thankful she was seated. "Gotta catch the bus, I'll see you tonight! Have a great day!"
Lexa waved goodbye, watching Clarke rush out the door. She didn't need to look at the clock on the oven to know Clarke would be on the verge of being late for the bus, as usual.
She finished her cereal and rinsed the bowl out in the sink before setting it in the dishwasher, movements all slow and deliberate. She had plenty of time in the day for anything she needed to do, but every minute wasted was a minute more she'd have to spend on her project. One more minute spent living in an apartment that only had functional heating some of the time, and the further they got into winter, the more annoying that reality got.
Lexa shook her head, tossing aside fantasies of the future for the moment, deciding to get Clarke's OKCupid updates done before getting back to work on her project.
The future could wait five minutes.
"I've made a huge mistake." Clarke muttered to herself as she walked up to her apartment building after a long, disappointing night. Honestly, if she could go back in time and smack herself upside the head for trying to date again, she would, because three weeks in and it was just as bad as she remembered it being.
Dozens of messages of hers not gaining any response. A good hundred or so messages from chasers sexually harassing her. Two dozen short messaging sessions only for the other parties to fuck up in a major way in terms of her dealbreakers. Another two dozen or so where she tried disclosing early on, only to earn radio silence or rejection for it.
And then the dates. Honestly, Clarke knew she deserved better, but the world apparently just wasn't well equipped to provide that.
She trudged her way up to the third floor and let herself into their apartment, slumping from exhaustion against the closed door. It took a handful of seconds for her to hear Lexa's cautious footsteps from the direction of the kitchen.
"So...no celebration tonight?" Her roommate asked cautiously, holding up a tub of her favourite peanut butter cup ice cream.
Clarke shook her head and let it fall back, impacting with a loud thud against the door. "Cis people are the worst." She groaned, tossing off her ear muffs and mittens.
By the time she'd stripped away her winter wear, Lexa was right there with her favourite blanket, wrapping it around her shoulders and leading her to their cramped living room. "We really are." Lexa agreed as she settled Clarke down onto the couch. "Want ice cream, or maybe something warmer to fight the chill?"
"I think I have a frozen cinnamon bun or two in the freezer?" Clarke answered, hoping it wouldn't be too much trouble. Lexa was always so busy, and she felt guilty enough pulling the woman away from her projects because of her dating woes.
"Sit tight, Clarke. I'll be back in a bit with them." Lexa called out as she made her way back to the kitchen.
Honestly, after such a frustrating evening, all she wanted was the cuddle up on the couch and watch Netflix. If she had to do it alone, then so be it, turning on the TV and going to Netflix's UI. After the night she'd had, the last thing she wanted was anything romantic or funny, so she tossed on Mad Max: Fury Road, and settled in for a cozy few hours, hoping to end the night on a high note.
Lexa was back before she realized much time had passed, two hot cinnamon buns covered in icing being placed down on the coffee table in front of her. "There we go. Do you mind if I join you?"
Clarke probably looked at her roommate like she had two heads, knowing Lexa had a deadline coming up, and apparently still a lot of work left to be done. "You're not too busy?"
"Not for you, Clarke. Dating is difficult and...if you need to vent about it, I'm here. If you just need a silent companion, I'm here. Okay?" Lexa asked as she settled in directly beside her, immediately warming Clarke's body despite the thick blanket barrier.
Lexa had always been untouchable, out of bounds. Not only was her roommate far too busy for relationships, she was also one of her best friend's sisters. Anya had made her swear to only pursue a friendship with her, and Clarke had kept to that promise.
And really, it was for the best. Having a stable, understanding, caring friendship like the one she had with Lexa was more important than ever. Besides, it wasn't like Lexa wouldn't start dating once her big project completed and she finally had spare time on her hands for the first time in years. And it wasn't like Lexa would look in-house, so to speak. No point in trying for a friend who had shown no romantic interest in her across all the time they'd known each other, and there was always the probability that Anya had gone and made Lexa promise the same thing she had.
Decision made, Clarke halfway unwrapped herself in the blanket and picked up one of the sweet treats. "Dating's terrible."
"I'm sorry to hear it." Lexa added softly, snuggling up against her when Clarke lifted her arm and gestured her close. Maybe talking about her past few weeks would help, and having Lexa cuddled up close could only make that a more pleasant process.
"Like, why do people have to be such jerks? Sure, I get that online dating's kind of a big gross tar pit with a lot of people looking for the lowest common denominator in a partner for a hook-up or whatever, but...there have to be more decent people out there, right?" Clarke asked, more rhetorical than anything, because she did have hope, even against the wealth of personal experience that pointed to a different conclusion. "I've even been more selective this time around. More careful. I thought they were interesting enough and that maybe we could work out."
Lexa's arm snaked behind her back, pulling her closer by the waist. "What happened?"
Clarke took a bite of her cinnamon bun first, if not to be able to enjoy it while it was still hot, then to at least have something sweet to fight the sour experiences she'd had lately. "So I started off with men, because there's so many of them, and I wanted to get my feet wet. I screened them, talked to them, asked some important questions, and everything seemed good for this one dude, Roan." She started off, taking a second bite of the bun as she shook off the disappointment of their third date last week. "And he was a perfect gentleman the first date. Second date, we got to know each other better, and aside from some minor flaws I'm thinking it could work out. He was gentle with me. Sweet. Wasn't afraid to be affectionate with me in public, and I liked that."
"You deserve that much, Clarke. Anyone would be lucky to be with you." Lexa reassured, and while those words did warm her heart, it had her feeling a little blue that real life didn't seem to match up to it.
After all, if people would be lucky to date me, then why did basically everyone find reasons to reject me? She mused to herself, shaking those thoughts away as she finished her cinnamon bun. "Well, he gave that impression when he was with me, which sort of had me suspicious in the first date despite how good it felt, but I get online dating's tough for guys, and maybe he was just happy that someone was up for a date with him, because that tone kind of mellowed out in the second and third dates."
"Makes sense. Guys apparently get, like, hundreds of rejections for every actual date, so I can see that, I guess." Lexa agreed with a slow nod.
"Anyways, third date, we finish up a really nice dinner, and like...I went by the signals he was giving and went all out with lingerie and stuff. He was totally cool with me being trans when I told him on the second date, so I figured maybe it's a bit fast, but I'm flexible with how the night would end, you know? And so he invites me over, and I accept. Everything's going well, and he's a great kisser, and we get up to his door, and...like, it's hot and heavy by then, and he's fumbling for the doorknob, and my hands are roaming, and..." Clarke continued, letting her voice trail off, hoping it wasn't too much detail, but Lexa did say she could vent.
"And what?" Lexa prodded, brushing a stray lock of hair away from her face, tucking it behind her ear. It was the small things like that. It was so hard not to melt when Lexa could touch her so simply like that and reduce her to a puddle.
"And...and he just grit out in my ear that he couldn't wait for me to fuck him in the ass. And like, he'd been forward with his affection and his touching, but like...we hadn't talked about sex and boundaries yet, not explicitly. So I figured, you know, fuck. I can't exactly do that, I've been on HRT for eons, and even if I wasn't dysphoric about getting erect, it'd take a medical miracle for me to actually get one with everything I'm on." Clarke explained, drawing an easy nod from Lexa, who had probably heard a few similar stories the last few times she'd tried dating, so thankfully she didn't have to go into any deeper explanation or anything.
"So you slowed things down." Lexa stated, easily predicting the turn of events that led to the end of that date.
Clarke sighed and leaned into her roommate. "I did. I told him that I'd be happy to fuck him in the ass, but I'd need the help of a strap-on or something like that, because I couldn't do it au natural." She continued, swallowing hard at the memory of pure revulsion on his face. "He stepped away, looked at me like I'd just vomited on his shoes, and offhandedly said 'well, this has been a waste, then', and just stepped into his apartment and shut the door."
"Oh, Clarke..." Lexa murmured, pulling her into a tight hug, hand cradling her head against Lexa's shoulder. "He's a prime grade motherfucker. You dodged a bullet, as painful as that might have been."
"Yeah, I mean, he was a chaser...and fuck if I hate that they're getting smarter about duping us, but like...I was stupid enough to get my hopes up." Clarke admitted, eyes squeezing shut as Lexa's lips pressed against her temple, trying to contain her emotions. Sometimes she wished she could just be cynical and practical but she'd always dreamed too big.
"You weren't stupid. Believing in the goodness of people isn't stupid, Clarke. It's what makes you you." Lexa added, pressing another kiss to her temple, and while she wanted to just sit there and soak that all in, she knew it'd be dangerous to let herself play into that fantasy.
"Well honestly, I still kind of wish I didn't, because it happened again. I've been seeing this woman...chatting online, meeting up for coffee between classes, and we went on our first real date on Tuesday. Well today was our second, and...I mean, she wasn't looking for anything super serious, but I figured that maybe I could be okay with that. Get back in the saddle with something more casual and all." Clarke said, taking hold of the second cinnamon bun and biting a huge chunk out of it.
Lexa's hand around her waist started gently rubbing and stroking there and it took all the strength she could muster to hold back her moan at the feeling. "There's nothing wrong with casual relationships. You don't have to justify your choices to me, Clarke."
And maybe that was the reassurance she needed to keep going instead of devouring the cinnamon bun and silently waiting for the Earth to swallow her up out of embarrassment of talking about sex again. "Well, anyways, Niylah was playful. And kept checking with me for what I wanted to do when we were out together, so she seemed safer. Not as likely to just grab me and tell me to do something I wasn't into, you know?"
"I do. Sadly, consent is rarely valued these days, but it's nice to hear this Niylah was good in that regard." Lexa acknowledged, reminding Clarke of their first few weeks living together, and how Lexa would always ask her permission to touch her in various places, to use certain words around her, to enter her room, to use something of hers, or whatever. Consent was huge to Lexa, one of the many reasons she loved the brunette.
"Well, it turns out she wasn't doing that out of interest in consent. I guess she expected that, as a trans woman, I'd take the lead, I'd take the initiative. That it was, like...my duty, or something. I didn't quite catch on until we went back to her place after the second date and she expected me to be some dominant masculine pseudo-woman like she reads about online in some 'girl-peen' fetish stories, and to fuck her like I was some cis dude porn actor. As if I was Christian Grey in a woman suit. And like, whatever, we talked things out, and she was really disappointed, but still wanted to give it a shot 'vanilla-style'. And I mean, maybe my self-esteem was sub-zero, so maybe it was pathetic of me, but I got her off with my hands and mouth, and she tried to muff me for a few minutes before giving up and calling it a night." Clarke explained, letting out a heavy sigh as she sunk into Lexa's frame.
"And it's not like women chasers aren't a thing, because she totally was one, and it's not like I'd go on another date with her or that she'd ever want one with me, but it's just...why the fuck does everything have to come down to my genitals and how much of a cis male porn star I'm willing to be for my partners? Why can't they just take me as I am?" Clarke finished, voice cracking and splintering near the end there, which is where she'd usually get up and retreat to her room to do some painting, but Lexa's arms held firm, not letting her budge an inch.
"I know this will sound cliché as heck but you are incredible just as you are, and they're too blinded by bullshit to notice. That's on them, not on you, Clarke. You're so worthy of love...I promise that there are people out there who would see you for you." Lexa promised, and damn it if her eyes didn't well up with tears at her words, wishing that someone could be Lexa, wishing she could just kiss her.
Instead, it wasn't the case. It would never be the case.
"I really hope so." She let out quietly, gently pulling herself out of Lexa's arms after a few glorious seconds. "Anyway, enough with the negativity. Night's not ruined yet. Imperator Furiosa won't let me down."
With that, she started the film over and settled into the corner of the couch against the armrest, unable to fight a smile when Lexa shifted the few inches to curl up with her.
"Mind if I sit in? I could use a break from the project anyways, and I've missed our movie nights." Lexa asked, as if Clarke could ever say no to her company, especially after the day she'd had.
"Of course, babe. I've missed our movie nights, too." Clarke said, wrapping an arm around her roommate and pulling her closer, heart stuttering when Lexa hugged her arm and rested that beautiful head on her shoulder.
They remained there holding each other as the story of Fury Road unraveled before them. All warm and content with Lexa cuddled up with her, she fought to stay awake, but didn't manage to catch the end credits.
Lexa knew two things as she stirred from slumber, slowly reaching towards consciousness. The first was that she was not on her bed. Whatever she was resting on was much softer, had more give, and the pillow she was using was textured where her own was smooth with a satin case. The second thing she noticed was the scent of fresh chocolate.
"Whuh?" Lexa let out as she rolled onto her side and willed her eyes to open, squinting at the sunlight gleaming in through the window. It must have been well into the morning, maybe even close to noon. For a moment, she allowed herself to be utterly baffled at having fallen asleep on the couch for so long, but then she remembered.
Clarke coming home and opening up to her. Clarke seeking comfort. Almost making a total ass out of herself on numerous occasions. Accidentally being a little too open, herself. Cozying up with Clarke and watching Mad Max with her. Falling asleep in Clarke's arms.
"Clarke?" She called out, wondering if the blonde was still around.
"Just a sec! Stay put, babe!" Clarke answered from the kitchen, letting her know she at least had a few seconds to prepare herself. Something broke inside of her last night, hearing Clarke talk about her experiences, and while it'd been all fine and good to feel an unrestrained love for her friend then, it was another matter having to deal with that lack of restraint in the days to come.
She'd done so well keeping a hold of her feelings for Clarke and not overstepping any boundaries, and she feared that with the slightest push, she could find herself on her knees, bowing before her and pledging fealty to her, or some sort of ridiculously dramatic romantic custom.
Clarke strolled into the living room singing some vaguely familiar tune, setting down their large breakfast tray onto the coffee table. As soon as she could focus her eyes enough to actually believe what she was seeing, Lexa practically threw herself at Clarke, pulling her into a hug.
"How did you...why did...these take forever, Clarke." Lexa sputtered when she pulled back, feeling more flustered as Clarke's smile grew, because damn it, her heart could not handle this! The girl she was in love with had spent at least five hours baking her favourite treat, and then more time making breakfast for the both of them.
To say Lexa was having trouble finding words would be an understatement, given it was Clarke who had experienced heartbreak the previous night. It was Clarke who deserved to be treated and doted on.
"Last night meant a lot to me." Clarke noted quietly, offering a simple shrug, as if any of that sufficed as an explanation.
"Clarke, I...you're my best friend. Of course I'll be there for you. You don't need to pay me back for something like that." Lexa stated, stumbling a bit as she dragged the l-word away from her vocabulary for a few seconds to keep from making a fool of herself.
Clarke just shook her head. "It's not that. It's just...you're you. And I just needed you to know how much you mean to me, and when I woke up early, and you were out like a light...I wanted to do something nice for you. Maybe I don't have to pay you back for last night, but you stepped up for me. And you've been grinding yourself to the bone over your project for the past few months, and you've barely come up for air or to have something special."
Lexa let the tired gears in her mind work away at the fact that Clarke woke early and the first thought her roommate had was to treat her to her favourite homemade cookie recipe that Anya would make for her when they were growing up. Only ever once a year, too, which made it even more special, and ever since Anya had moved away for work, that tradition had fallen by the wayside a bit.
So Clarke spending hours slaving over some damn cookies simply because they were special to Lexa, reminding her of her cousin and making her feel so completely loved and cared for and home?
Maybe she teared up a tiny bit.
"You're too good to me." She mumbled into Clarke's shoulder, just wanting to embrace the blonde, hold her close, take in as much of her goodness as possible while she could.
"As if that's possible, babe. C'mon, let's eat up." Clarke countered, pressing a light kiss to her cheek and plopping down on the couch beside her.
Maybe that kiss had her face burning up a little bit. Maybe it had her deeply wishing that Clarke would kiss her somewhere else. It was too dangerous a fantasy just yet, though, so she tried to focus on humour. Laughter could never hurt.
"So, I take it the debt is paid now, Clarke?" Lexa asked, bringing out a bit of theatricality in her impression of Cersei Lannister.
Clarke's laughter was abrupt, quickly bubbling into a string of giggles. "I didn't even think of that, but yeah, absolutely, you nerd." Clarke shot back, bringing a forkful of French toast to her mouth.
Lexa took a steadying breath and decided to dig in, sating her hunger first before she'd have to make a very difficult phone-call to Anya. There was only so much that she could take, and once her project was finally completed, there would be no easy way to avoid her feelings for her roommate. She'd have to renegotiate her pact with Anya, at the very least, and then see whether or not she could have a future with Clarke.
She could only hope that she wasn't making a huge mistake.
A/N: So this is a two-shot, probably? I'm a sucker for roommate love stories, and friends to lovers, and this is the holiday season, so those kind of positive vibes really should be spreading around. Add to that a desire to boost trans representation, and you've got this ficlet. We'll be seeing and hearing about more of Clarke's dating adventures next time around, too, for sure
Anywho, happy holidays, I hope you enjoyed!