Disclaimer: I do not own FMA, so don't send wild chickens to come eat/sue me! D:
Well, since it's one in the morning here in California, I'm hyped up on caffeine, and I've been reading nothing but Sue fics for the last three hours, I decided to whip up this small parody on what I personally think should happen to all Sues if burning in hell is not available as an option. Keep in mind this is just a parody; I'm not looking to purposely offend anyone here. Enjoy.
Revenge of the Sue
Ed looked at the girl standing in front of him. She looked like him. Exactly like him. She had the blonde hair tied back in a pony tail, golden eyes, and she was even shorter than him.
"Not this crap again!" He thought.
The girl looked at him with dazzling eyes and a smile.
"Nii-san! I'm your twin sister Hanako Sakura Elric! I'm twelve years old and I just got my state license! I'm the Sparkling Sunrise Alchemist! I use alchemy without a circle and have an automail arm just like yours and I can use alchemy to control time! Oh yeah and by the way, I also have the power to-"
"Look, I have more important things to worry about. Get lost." Ed said as he turned around and began to walk the other way.
"Nii-san! Your so cruel! Your suppose to wuvz me!"
"What the hell is up with all these made up words…?" Ed continued on walking. The girl ran up from behind and glomped him. Ed shook her of immediately and let her fall to the floor.
"Why is someone as short and cute as you so mean, Nii-san?" The girl began to cry.
"DON'T CALL ME SHORT! LOOK GIRL! I TRIED TO BE NICE THE FIRST TIME! GET LOST! NOW!"
Ed walked further down the hallway and made it to the corner. Before he was able to turn, Roy came around the corner and looked at him with the usual expression.
"What's with all the commotion, Fullmetal?" Roy said. He noticed the crying girl on the floor a few yards away. "Who's she?"
"I don't know, and I don't care either." Ed made a face like he'd just smelled a bottle of rotten milk.
"Well if she doesn't belong here, then make her leave."
Ed's eyes popped wide open. "Why should I have to? I told you I don't know who she-"
Before Ed could finish his sentence, Hanako pushed him out of the way.
"My name is Hanako Sakura Tsukine Elric! I'm the Glittering Sunset Alchemist!"
"You can't suddenly make your real name longer and change your alchemist name!" Ed shouted.
"I can do whatever I want, Nii-san! This is my story!"
That was when Ed realized this Sue was going to be a terrible one. She was far worse than the rabbit chimera with bunny ears and a katakana who was somehow involved with the Ishvalan War that fell out of the sky last week. Okay, maybe not, but still. This one is pretty bad.
Hanako turned her attention back to Roy. Roy walked right on past her, with Riza right behind him.
"The military is no place for amateur children. I doubt you're actually Fullmetal's sister anyways." Roy's voice was extremely cold.
Hanako's face showed the shock in her head.
"But! But!" She tightened her fist. "I am! I really am! Hoho had me!"
Roy ignored her. A spark of red could be seen coming from Hanako's fist.
"Wait." Riza said. Quickly, she pulled out her gun and shot Hanako right between the eyes.
The bullet went through the Sue's head instantly and Hanako dropped to the floor, dead. Roy looked at Riza with astonishment, but she put her arm in front of him, signaling for him to stay back.
The open, bleeding wound sealed up in seconds as Hanako arose from the ground.
"THAT HURT!" Hanako shouted. "I"LL TEAR YOU TO SHREDS!" She took off her jacket, revealing an ouroboros tattoo on her left shoulder.
"A homunculus Sue?" Roy shouted.
Hanako suddenly began to grow. Her head almost hit the ceiling and she gained a crap load of muscles. Her boobs went from a A-cup all the way to a DD in just moments.
"What the $#!%?" Ed yelled. He swiftly avoided Hanako's first punch. Riza fired a few more shots, but none seemed to work. This was just jolly. Ed glared over at Roy.
"Why the hell are you just standing there, Colonel?"
"What? You want me to burn down the whole building, Fullmetal?"
Hanako finally turned to Riza. "YOU WILL PAY!"
Riza was able to dodge the swing of Hanako's fist just in time.
"Colonel, I think we need to get out of here and alert Fuher Bradley that this "thing" is inside Central Command. It's pretty slow, so we should make it."
"Alright, Lieutenant," said Roy. "Fullmetal! Let's go!"
"What? We're going to run away?" Ed seemed bewildered at the decision.
"That was an order! Don't question it!" Roy shouted. Ed didn't like him. At all. Nonetheless, he still followed. Hanako watched them run down the hall. She chased after them, but was steadily falling behind. However, she was still able to see them enter a door to the right.
As Ed, Roy, and Riza busted into the Fuher's office, they saw Bradley with both Envy and Gluttony.
"Ahhh, look. It's the Fullmetal Pipsqueak," said Envy. "What the hell are you guys doing here anyways? You need persission to come in here you know."
"DON'T CALL ME A GODDAMN PIPSQUEAK!" Ed screamed.
"Mind telling me what is so urgent, Colonel Mustang?" Bradley asked. He faced the window overlooking the courtyard.
"Yeah. A member of your group suddenly attacked us, even though I thought you said you needed us alive." Roy stated, running out of breath. "I don't know if you gave up on you whole 'human sacrifice' thing, but if you did I'll-"
"You'll what, Colonel Mustang?" Bradley turned to face them. He looked specifically at both Roy and Riza. "Don't forget what you have to loose. You're lucky I'm still allowing you to even see each other. Now, would mind telling me what this supposed homunculus' name is?"
Roy gulped. "It was Hanako, sir."
"I've never heard of her before." Bradley said.
"She also claimed to be a state alchemist and my sister." Ed pointed out.
Envy sat up on Fuher Bradley's desk and crossed his legs. "Sounds like a bad case of self-insert Mary Sue to me. Just kill her and get it over with already, pipsqueak."
"I TOLD YOU! I'M NOT A PIPSQUEAK!" Ed spat. "We can't, she's a homunculus! Dammit Envy, were you even listening?"
It wasn't long before the door was beaten down revealing the over-grown Hanako.
"YOU SHALL PAY FOR NOT LIKING ME, FLAMING ME, AND CALLING ME A SUE!" Hanako let out a breath of fire.
Envy placed his hand on Gluttony's head.
"Eat her. She's annoying me."
Gluttony stepped forward as the eye on his stomach opened up. In the blink of an eye, Hanako was swallowed whole.
"Well, that was pathetically easy." Envy remarked.
"Yummy!" Gluttony shouted.
Roy looked at Gluttony and Envy awkwardly for a few moments before his attention moved back to King Bradley. "I think I'll be going now, sir…"
The door was shut as Roy, Riza, and Ed made their exit.
"Bring another one of those in here and you'll get in serious trouble next time, got it Fullmetal?" Roy sent a cold gaze at Ed as he spoke.
"How is it my fault? I blame all the stupid fangirls and their damn self-inserts!" Ed yelled.
Riza sighed. "At least the fanfiction community is plagued with one less evil for now."
The three continued down the hall, wondering what kind of drug people are on when they write those kinds of fanfictions.
Well, I know it's not that great, but I hope you still got a small amount of enjoyment out of this. Reviews welcome, even if they are a flaming pile of hate.
P.S. I WILL be getting back to my Edwin 100 Themes pretty soon. I'm just having a temporary writers block. D: