Avatar: The Last Puppet Pals
VOLDEMORT: I can't diffuse the bomb! Normally, I like bombs, but this one could blow up me and my death eater buddies!
HERMIONE: Harry, you've got to stop...oh wait, you're not Harry
VOLDEMORT: I'd hate to say it but maybe my mortal enemy could defuse the bomb…
HARRY: Did somebody say my name?
HERMIONE: Ugh. Hi Harry.
HARRY: No need to sound so enthusiastic.
HERMIONE: Right. Anyway, Voldemort's too stupid to defuse the bomb, and you've had experience with this kind of thing.
HARRY: But, Hermione, I've never successfully defused a bomb!
HERMIONE: *in a dark, sinister voice* I know,
RON: Well, last time this worked to defuse the bomb. Abra Kadabra!
*giant pineapple falls on Voldemort*
HARRY: Neville, look what you did!
NEVILLE: But I didn't touch anything this time, not even my Neville horn.
VOLDEMORT: Damn it! Stop! Using! That! Spell! You retarded soulless homosexual.
RON: Where?! And what spell? You mean Abra Kadabra?
*Timer on bomb goes to 30 seconds*
HARRY: Everyone to the Black Lake!
HERMIONE: But what about the bomb?!
HARRY: That's not my problem anymore.
RON: What about Bombicus Defus –
HARRY: NO TIME!
*everyone jumps into the Black Lake*
RON: Wait a minute! We have to go save my Dumblycakes!
HARRY: NO TIME! You'll have to find another old man to fondle.
NEVILLE: OOOH! Can I watch?
*awkward silence*
HARRY: Actually, we could save Dumbledore. But Neville has to stay here!
NEVILLE: Awww.
*DUMBLEDORE pops up from underwater*
DUMBLEDORE: Did somebody say my name?
RON: YAY! DUMBLY!
HERMIONE: How did you get out of there alive?
DUMBLEDORE: I've been skinny dipping for three days straight. I'm setting a record in nudity.
HARRY: Gross.
HERMIONE: What are those trees floating there? More to the point, how can trees float?
RON: OOH! Maybe it's one of those swimming islands in the book series Septimus Heap!
HARRY: Since when do you read?
RON: It was a book on tape.
HERMIONE: There's no such thing as a swimming island. It's a fictional thing.
RON: So is magic, but we do it all the time!
HARRY: Come on. Let's all swim to this non-suspicious island. Last one there has to sleep with Neville!
*Everyone swims insanely fast, and HARRY's last*
HARRY: Oh, well, I meant to sleep in the same bed with Neville, not have sex with Neville. Besides, he's probably dead.
NEVILLE: No, I'm not!
HARRY: Fuck. Well, I'm just not sleeping. Wait a minute! We're missing a crucial member of our plot! Snape!
SNAPE: No. I'd rather die than accompany you on another horrid adventure.
RON: But we need someone to bother!
SNAPE; Exactly why I'm not going.
HARRY: Hermione, you know the spell.
HERMIONE: Accio Giggles!
*SNAPE flies to the island, and somehow appears in an elf costume*
SNAPE: DAMMIT! I'm stuck on another horrid adventure. In this elf costume no less!
DUMBLEDORE: Ooh, Giggles! I thought you only appeared around Christmas!
SNAPE: Headmaster, it's still me.
DUMBLEDORE: Oh. Well you could take OFF the elf costume and we could do double naked time.
SNAPE: Both of my options sound horrible.
HARRY: Don't strip! Your regular clothes are under the elf costume.
NEVILLE: Or DO strip. I don't mind.
*awkward silence*
HARRY: Wait a minute… Snape was the last one on the island. Now he has to have sex with Neville!
SNAPE: What?
HERMIONE: So when YOU'RE the last one on the island, you have to sleep in the same BED with Neville, but when someone ELSE is on the island, they have to have sex with Neville?
HARRY: Yep! I'm an asshole, remember?
SNAPE: There's only one thing to do at a time like this. *aims wand at head* Avada Ke-
RON: ABRA KADABRA!
*SNAPE is now in a coconut bra, grass skirt, with a fruit hat*
SNAPE: You interrupted my suicide with THIS?! *throws HARRY off the island* Now Harry's last. HAH!
HARRY: You know I was just kidding when I said the thing about having sex with Neville. Let's just forget it happened.
NEVILLE: WHY DOES NO ONE LOVE ME?!
*on the mainland*
CEDRIC: I got left out. I'm a sad foot.
GINNY: I'm kinda glad I'm not there. Harry would probably grope me or something.
MALFOY: Why did they leave us behind? I mean, I hate every last one of them. But that's no reason to leave us behind!
HAGRID: I didn't get to go neither. I'ma go cuddle wit' me placenta in me hut.
CEDRIC: Now I'm a nauseous foot.
*on the island*
HARRY: RON! We've been through this before! Jelly beans are superior to kidney beans in every way!
HERMIONE: Didn't we leave someone behind?
HARRY: No, I don't think so.
RON: Jelly beans aren't better. Only because we have Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans, and it's possible to get one that tastes like dog vomit.
NEVILLE: I like the dog vomit ones.
HARRY: Of course you do. Anyway, I've grown up with normal Jelly Beans. Roasted toffee and butter popcorn. THAT'S why they're better.
HERMIONE: Why are you spending this time arguing about beans? You are wasting precious time that you could be laughing at Snape.
SNAPE: I NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS BRA! *frantically searching for normal clothes* WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES?!
DUMBLEDORE: Well, you could always do double naked time!
SNAPE: NOOOOOOO!
HARRY: Wait a minute! We left Ginny!
RON: Oh yeah! All of my other siblings are probably burning alive.
HARRY: I don't care about them, we just have to get Ginny!
HERMIONE: I think this is the closest thing we'll get to kindness from Harry.
*goes to edge of island, but doesn't see Hogwarts*
HARRY: What the hell? Hogwarts was right there!
NEVILLE: OOH! It must be one of those swimming islands!
HARRY: RON! What did you do?
RON: NOTHING! I swear I didn't say Abra Kadabra. DAMN IT!
*SNAPE turns into a panda*
HARRY: *quietly to self* Well, I've blamed Neville today. Who else do I hate? *loud* DAMN IT VOLDEMORT! Look what you did!
VOLDEMORT: But I would never harm one of my dea-
SNAPE: Ix-nay on the eath-eater-day.
VOLDEMORT: Oh. Well, then I'd probably just kill you. Why would I turn anyone into a fluffy, cuddly panda? They're too cute for me!
HARRY: Don't try and talk your way out of this one. Go sit in that bush and think about what you've done!
VOLDEMORT: OK.
HARRY: Wow, he went peacefully.
HERMIONE: You forget what he does in bushes.
HARRY: VOLDEMORT! Out of the bush!
VOLDEMORT: Not done yet.
HARRY: Ah, well he's useless anyway.
SNAPE: I guess this is better than a coconut bra. At least I don't have to kill myself now.
HARRY: You were going to kill yourself over an outfit?
SNAPE: I'm a sad panda. And now I have a taste for wood.
HARRY: That's what she said.
HERMIONE: Actually, bamboo is a type of grass, not –
HARRY: Now's not the time to be a smart bitch!
RON: Is it the time to be a bastard?
HARRY: It's always the time to be a bastard!
HERMIONE: So that's why being a bastard is better than being a smart bitch?
HARRY: Well, -
RON: NO TIME!
HARRY: We're not rushing anywhere. I don't even know where we're going.
*hours pass*
HARRY: How long have we been on this island? I'm hungry!
HERMIONE: You just ate half of Neville!
NEVILLE: It'll grow back.
HARRY: Potato squash things are just like cereal. They aren't filling. I know! Let's take one of Snape's legs and roast it for meat!
SNAPE: But I'll need that for when I transform back!
HARRY: No you won't. Our inferior puppet bodies don't have feet.
RON: GUYS! GUYS! GUYS! I see land!
HARRY: Yes, Ron, we've already established that the island is made of land.
RON: NO! Other land! That doesn't float!
HARRY: Do you think they have food?
HERMIONE: Only one way to find out! Forward, great moving island!
*ISLAND stops on the sand, and surfaces. The others jump off.
HARRY: Holy shit, it has a face.
IROH: Please refrain from using expletives in front of a thousands of years old lion-turtle.
BUMI: And there's no nudity at old people camp.
IROH: *Emerging from hot tub* There isn't? Better stay in the hot tub.
DUMBLEDORE: Awww. Where's Snape's hula outfit?
HARRY: Wait! You have feet! And therefore can't be puppets! Who are you people?
IROH: Since you are the foreigners, I think you'd better answer that yourself.
HARRY: You don't know who I am? I'm Harry Potter, the Chosen One, the Boy Who Lived, and the greatest wizard who ever lived ever, because I'm Harry Potter.
IROH: Now we both know that there's no such thing as wizards.
BUMI: Yeah, there's only benders, hybrid animals, and lion-turtles. Oh, and a magical spirit world.
HERMIONE: What? You mean we're not in Scotland anymore?
IROH: What is Scotland?
HERMIONE: It's where our school is. Where are we?
IROH: You're in the outskirts of the Earth Kingdom. Welcome to the Order of the White Lotus.
HARRY: Ugh! We're in another crossover. Didn't we just do one of these?
SNAPE: At least I don't have to spend the entire script with only you as company.
IROH: You remind me of my nephew's girlfriend. But is it normal for pandas to talk in your universe?
BUMI: More importantly, is it normal to have normal pandas in your universe?
HERMIONE: No, the retarded soulless homosexual accidentally turned our potions master into a panda. Normally, pandas only live in-
HARRY: No time!
HERMIONE: No time for what, Harry? We're not rushing anywhere! Hogwarts is probably right around the corner. Just like in our last crossover!
LION-TURTLE: I travelled for an eternity. I crossed dimensions and travelled through time and space.
HERMIONE: Then how are we getting back?!
LION-TURTLE: I don't know.
HERMIONE: Look what you did, Neville!
HARRY: We already blamed Neville today.
HERMIONE: Then this is all...Cedric's fault!
HARRY: He's not even with us.
*CUT BACK TO HOGWARTS*
CEDRIC: For some reason, I'm a sad foot.
*BACK TO WHITE LOTUS CAMP*
IROH: Why did you bring a half-eaten potato-squash thing? And why is it talking?
NEVILLE: Harry ate my head. But it's what's on the inside that counts, and it'll grow back.
HARRY: Pay no attention to Neville. He sucks. Anyway, where are the more attractive members of Team Avatar? And where's Voldemort?
HERMIONE: He's probably still in the bush. I really don't want to check on him. Not it!
BUMI: Not it!
HARRY: Not it!
IROH: Not it!
SNAPE: Not it!
DUMBLEDORE: Not it!
RON: Damn! *Goes to island*
NEVILLE: Nobody asked me to do it.
HARRY: That's because you're not a person.
IROH: Technically, you're not a person either.
HERMIONE: If you want to get really technical, none of us are people because we're all fictional characters.
HARRY: Shut up, Hermione. We've already established that now's not the time to be a smart bitch.
RON: *On the island* He's not here! Only his wizard juices are here! A lot of wizard juices!
BUMI: Is that some sort of beverage?
HARRY: Oooooh no! No it is not.
IROH: Even if it was a beverage, it wouldn't be as good as ginseng tea.
HARRY: Cut the conversation! Do you have any food? I'm tired of eating Neville!
BUMI: There's also a rule against cannibalism at old people camp.
IROH: Stop calling it that. The Order of the White Lotus is an ancient secret society.
HARRY: I DON'T CARE! I NEED FOOD!
IROH: Well, you're charming. Yes, we do have food. Come with me.
HARRY: IF YOU WANT TO LIVE! Sorry, I couldn't resist it.
*the puppet gang follows IROH and BUMI into the camp"
HARRY: DELICIOUS MEAT! I SMELL MEAT!
SOKKA: MEAT! I NEED MEAT!
HARRY: ME FIRST!
*they start running toward the meat*
IROH: There's enough for everyone, don't worry.
AANG: I gotta get Sokka to eat less meat.
TOPH: That's like asking him to give up breathing.
AANG: But all life is sacred.
SOKKA: *yelling behind him* And good with gravy.
SNAPE: No life is sacred, or good with gravy, when you're Snape.
RON: You haven't even tried souls yet!
ZUKO: *looks at the puppets* Why are there puppets in the White Lotus camp? You know what, never mind. Anyway, people eat meat. Deal with it.
SOKKA: *between mouthfuls* Even the meat eats other meat.
RON: Am I the only one who eats souls?
HARRY: *between mouthfuls* This must be a magical world where gingers don't exist.
IROH: I think my brother and niece may have eaten some souls in their time.
ZUKO: I've tried souls once. They were too gamey. And they made me feel bad. And my hair started turning red.
*everyone stares at Zuko*
ZUKO: What did you expect coming from my family?!
RON: YOU FOOL! You've interrupted the gingerfication process!
ZUKO: Okay, who the hell are you guys?
SNAPE: I'm a depressed wizard teacher, who forgot his funny candy back at school.
ZUKO: But you're some kind of animal?
AANG: Hei Bai? When did you get so depressed?
SNAPE: I've always been depressed.
KATARA: Shouldn't there be hands controlling these puppets?
RON: We come from another dime- dimimimi- dimenum-
HERMIONE: Dimension, Ron.
RON: We're not from here. We're wizards! Except Hermione, she's just a smart bitch.
HERMIONE: It's pronounced "witch," Ron.
HARRY: No, I think he had it right.
SOKKA: Everyone knows there's no such thing as magic. Prove you're wizards!
RON: Okay. Hocus Pocus.
*SNAPE turns back into a human*
SNAPE: NO! My wizard parts are showing! Well, at least it's better than the elf costume.
BUMI: What did I say about nudity in old people camp?
IROH: And what did I say about calling it that?
KATARA: Um, what wizard parts? He's a puppet.
HARRY: Stop inserting logic into this! We're wizard puppets who traveled across dimensions on something called a lion-turtle. How did lions even breed with turtles?!
TOPH: How did what breed with what?
HARRY: You know, lions … and… turtles? Don't you have any normal animals?
AANG: We have a flying bison and a flying lemur.
HARRY: THOSE AREN'T NORMAL!
AANG: Sorry, Appa and Momo.
*Appa roars and Momo coos*
IROH: The king of Ba Sing Se has a bear.
HARRY: Keeping a bear as a pet isn't normal either, but I guess it's the best that you can do.
DUMBLEDORE: It's not as normal as keeping a phoenix for a pet! Princess Celestia can attest to that.
HERMIONE: Harry, are you implying that phoenixes, basilisks, and cerberi are normal?
HARRY: They're not?
HERMIONE: Not for our readers.
AANG: I once met an herbalist who had a cat.
DUMBLEDORE: And I once saw a cat give birth!
HARRY: Finally, someone with a normal pet.
AANG: But the lady herself was crazy.
ZUKO: Probably not as crazy as my sister.
HARRY: DAMN! Is ANYONE normal?
ZUKO: You're magical footless humans, and a potato squash thing! How are you any more normal than us?
HARRY: I'm the most normal person that ever lived ever, because I'm Harry Potter.
HERMIONE: Wouldn't that make you a muggle?
HARRY: I mean besides muggles.
KATARA: Is that what you call non-benders?
HARRY: I keep hearing this word! What's a bender?
KATARA: Seriously? Ya know, Earth benders, Fire benders, Water benders.
AANG: You forgot air.
TOPH: Well, there's only one of you. So you don't count. Sorry, Twinkletoes.
HARRY: What IS bending, though. You're not answering my question!
TOPH: Have you been living under a rock this whole time?
HERMIONE: I don't think you fully understand the concept of "different dimensions."
ZUKO: It's when you control the elements.
HERMIONE: Then I can be a water bender!
KATARA: How?
HERMIONE: Aguamenti! *water comes out of the wand*
AANG: What's that stick?
TOPH: Are you compensating for something?
HERMIONE: What would I compensate for? I'm a girl! And how can you mistake my gender, anyway? You seem to be blind.
TOPH: I can still hear your man-voice. And your steps are too heavy for most females.
HARRY: OOOH! I think I'm gonna get along with this one!
RON: Can we ponder where Voldemort might have disappeared to now?
AANG: Who's Voldemort?
HERMIONE: He's this evil person that tries to kill us, but he's a pussy, because he goes away whenever we don't want him there.
AANG: I wish Firelord Ozai did that.
SOKKA: *whispers to Harry* He's our universe's bad guy.
HARRY: *sarcasm* Oh, thank you. My small puppet brain would never have figured that out.
RON: Figured what out? Who's Firelord Ozai? Is he a bad person?
HARRY: You see, THIS is the one with jelly instead of a brain
RON: *eating jelly out of his ear* MMMmmmm… This is almost as good as kidney beans!
*awkward silence, with everyone glaring at Neville*
NEVILLE: Don't look at me. I still don't have a head.
HARRY: Would Voldemort have anything to gain from this Ozai person?
TOPH: Not really. He's useless since he lost his bending.
SOKKA: HEY! I don't have bending, and I'm plenty useful!
HARRY: So he might get along with Firelord Ozai. But is there any OTHER evil person that he'd actually have a use for?
ZUKO: My sister.
*Cut to MENTAL INSTITUTION, where AZULA is eating a bowl of souls*
VOLDEMORT: The people in your universe think you're crazy, but they think I'm a pussy. I think we could help each other out.
AZULA: I'm not crazy. Everyone else is just too sane. And you are a pussy.
VOLDEMORT: We just met! You don't know yet that I'm a pussy.
AZULA: Now I do.
VOLDEMORT: You see, this is why you don't have any friends. I don't either, but still!
AZULA: What are you talking about?! I have plenty of friends!
VOLDEMORT: That AREN'T hallucinations?
AZULA: Not exactly… What do you want anyway?
VOLDEMORT: I say we team up, and kill all my enemies!
AZULA: And what would I get from this?
VOLDEMORT: Other than the fun of killing people, you'd also get freedom from the mental institution!
AZULA: You had me at killing people. And it would be nice to get out of here so that weird purple dinosaur would stop hitting on me.
IMAGINARY DINOSAUR: I love you, you should love me, so let's get together and make babies!
AZULA: RUN AWAY!
VOLDEMORT: You do know it's not there right?
AZULA: You just can't see him because you're a puppet. And he's not attracted to you anyway.
*Cut back to WHITE LOTUS CAMP*
HARRY: I know we should have worried about this three pages ago –
ZUKO: Why are you talking like you're in a story?
HARRY: *stares at audience* Because we've known for a while all of this is a fanfiction to make the world happy.
ZUKO: You're nuts.
HARRY: Anyway, Voldemort's missing, and he could be with a dangerous psychopath! What if he learns he can still kill us when we say "Voldy, no killing!"
AANG: Can we trade bad guys?
HERMIONE: To be fair, Voldemort is more competent in the books and movies. This is just a funny spin-off.
HARRY: You can write a love letter to him later. Right now, we have to stop him from actually being useful!
HERMIONE: Well, maybe he hasn't found Azula yet. There could still be time!
HARRY: Yes time?
HERMIONE: Maybe time.
DUMBLEDORE: Maybe this one *points to Zuko* could do some sweaty pushups in order to pass the time.
ZUKO: How would that help us?
DUMBLEDORE: It would help me get my rocks off.
ZUKO: What?
RON: It would help me lengthen my magic wand.
ZUKO: I don't understand this innuendo.
DUMBLEDORE: You could harden our magic wands too! It takes a lot to harden my magic wand, since I'm over 600 years old.
ZUKO: I think the old one has Alzheimer's, and the unusual redheaded one is just stupid.
RON: Dumbly doesn't have Alzy- Alzo – whatever you said! We just want you to do pushups. With your shirt off. And your pants off.
HERMIONE: I wouldn't mind watching that.
KATARA: I wouldn't either.
ZUKO: OK, let's see if these puppets are flammable!
KATARA: Zuko, control your anger.
ZUKO: Don't tell me what to do!
AANG: Katara, wanna watch ME do some pushups?
KATARA: No thanks, Aang.
AANG: *sighs* It's probably just because we have to find this Voldemort person.
RON: Denial is not just a river in Ponyville.
AANG: What?
RON: Oh wait, you weren't here for that crossover. Never mind.
ZUKO: How much longer do we have to put up with these puppets?
*Somewhere within the Fire Nation*
VOLDEMORT: Now, my mortal enemies are footless puppets just like myself.
AZULA: You broke me out of the mental institution for that?
VOLDEMORT: HEY! They're harder to kill than you might think!
AZULA: *turns to Voldemort* Let's see if puppets are flammable.
VOLDEMORT: HEY! You owe me! I broke you out of the mental institution.
AZULA: I owe you nothing. I could've broken out anytime that I wanted to!
VOLDEMORT: Then why didn't you?
AZULA: I was restrained and heavily medicated. And I was just waiting for the right time!
VOLDEMORT: Yeah, sure you were. Just remember, I could kill you anytime I want to.
AZULA: You can't even a kill a band of puppets!
VOLDEMORT: They've got clever tricks up their sleeves. I can kill you right now. *raises wand* Avada Ke-
AZULA: No, don't kill me.
VOLDEMORT: Okay.
AZULA: AHA! So are those the kind of tricks they have up their sleeves?
VOLDEMORT: Wow, you're clever.
AZULA: You know, you the whole fun of killing is –
VOLDEMORT: NO TIME!
AZULA: What?
*Cut to MENTAL INSTITUTION*
ZUKO: Alright, Azula's in this cell, but I really don't wanna check on her.
HARRY: Not it.
KATARA: Not it.
NEVILLE: Not it. I'm still only half the squash I used to be!
ZUKO: Not it.
DUMBLEDORE: Not it.
SOKKA and AANG: Not it.
HERMIONE: Not it.
SNAPE and TOPH: Not it.
RON: Damn. *goes into cell* She's gone! But she didn't even leave any wizard juices!
SOKKA: Are wizard juices some sort of beverage?
HARRY: Oh, no. No, you do not want to drink that.
RON: I drink wizard juices sometimes, but only Dumbly's wizard juices.
HARRY: Gross. Anyway, how could she leave wizard juices? She's a girl!
TOPH: Maybe she's just as feminine as this one. *points to Hermione*
HERMIONE: HEY! I AM a girl. I have boobs and everything!
TOPH: That doesn't necessarily make you a girl.
ZUKO: Yeah, my uncle used to have boobs. And they were bigger than yours.
HERMIONE: You haven't seen Potter Puppet Porn.
ZUKO: But how do you do it when you don't have… yeah, nevermind. We have to find my psychotic sister before she starts killing people again.
HARRY: Hopefully Voldemort's rubbed off on her.
RON: I want to rub off on the guy with the cutie mark on his eye.
ZUKO: What the hell is a cutie mark?! Are you talking about my scar?!
KATARA: Zuko, don't burn the puppets yet. They might be useful.
HERMIONE: Yeah, you'd end this story prematurely. Besides, you'd only have to burn Ron. You wouldn't have to burn the whole lot of us.
DUMBLEDORE: But I'd like to rub off on him too!
HERMIONE: Okay, Ron and the pervy headmaster.
DUMBLEDORE: Thank you.
SNAPE: But sir, they're – uh, nevermind. Part of me wants to see the whole school burn.
RON: Are you a death eater?
SNAPE: No.
RON: Okay, just checking.
SOKKA: Back to our original problem, if I was a crazy bitch and a noseless puppet, where would I go.
RON: The cotton candy store!
HARRY: Go in the corner, Ron. You have earned five minutes in the padded room.
RON: Okay… *Goes into room* OOOH! There are still some souls here!
HARRY: I don't know where Voldemort would be, but you can ask Hermione about the crazy bitch part.
HERMIONE: I'm not crazy! Everyone else is just too sane!
ZUKO: Sounds like something my sister would say…
HARRY: So Hermione, where would she be?
HERMIONE: Probably going to find more souls. AND I'M NOT A CRAZY BITCH! I'm a smart bitch, there's a difference.
HARRY: Now's not the time to be a smart bitch! Now's the time to be a crazy bitch, because in order to find a crazy bitch, you have to think like a crazy bitch.
ZUKO: Azula could be called a smart bitch too.
HARRY: Oh. Okay then, be whatever kind of bitch you want, just not a stupid bitch. That's Ron's job.
RON: Why thank you, Harry.
HARRY: You see what I mean?
KATARA: Okay, but where do you find souls to eat? There are no gingers in this universe.
RON: Not to worry! My ginger senses are so advanced, I can sniff out souls from three miles away!
*awkward silence, staring at Neville*
NEVILLE: *with fully grown head* I told you it would grow back. But I didn't cause this awkward silence.
HARRY: Sorry, force of habit.
AANG: I don't know why, but the rest of us also felt compelled to stare at him.
HARRY: Okay men, and Ron, let's go.
TOPH: There are more people here now. Namely other girls.
HARRY: Do you want me to say "Men, and Ron, and Katara, and Toph?" That's not funny! Besides, I'm the asshole director of illegal porn!
DUMBLEDORE: Speaking of illegal porn, would any of you men be interested in an 11-way?
RON: DUMBLY!
DUMBLEDORE: Ugh! Fine. Would any of you men be interested in a 6-way?
AANG: What's a 6-way?
*SOKKA whispers in AANG's ear*
AANG: AAH! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! I'm saving myself for Katara.
ZUKO: Yeah, good luck with that. She didn't even want to see YOU do push-ups.
AANG: Don't you have Mai?
ZUKO: UGH! Stupid canon! Why am I with the ugliest girl in the whole series?!
DUMBLEDORE: Well, you could always tell her that you're gay! And then come with us and participate in our six-way.
ZUKO: We're all underage here. Except for Aang, but I think he's traumatized by the definition.
AANG: *rocking back and forth in a ball* Six men… Groping each other… And one's so old..
RON: Well, I'm underage too, but you don't see ME complaining.
ZUKO: There must be no laws against pedophilia in your universe.
HARRY: Nope! Our universe in on the internet. Pedophilia is encouraged! As long as the child is willing.
DUMBLEDORE: I don't remember that being a law…
RON: DUMBLY! Rape is bad!
ZUKO: Enough squick! We need to go find my sister.
RON: ACTIVATING GINGER SENSE!
*Cut to the soul stand*
AZULA: Come on, you act like you've never eaten a soul before.
VOLDEMORT: Does it hurt?
AZULA: Just try it, you noseless pussy. They're good.
VOLDEMORT: BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE A GINGER!
AZULA: You don't have hair in the first place. Besides, you can just dye it and wear make-up if you did.
VOLDEMORT: But I'm a dude! DUDES DON'T WEAR MAKE-UP!
AZULA: Quit whining and eat the soul. It'll make you better at killing things.
VOLDEMORT: Killing? I do love killing.
AZULA: So that's why you run away when they ask you not to kill them?
VOLDEMORT: Killing people is hard when they ask you not too.
AZULA: You're pathetic.
VOLDEMORT: You're a towel.
AZULA: You can't even come up with good comebacks.
VOLDEMORT: It works on the orange one. And anyone under the influence of funny candy.
AZULA: We'll get some cactus juice later. Just eat the freaking soul.
*VOLDEMORT raises the soul to his mouth*
HARRY: VOLDY! Put the soul down.
VOLDEMORT: Okay. *puts soul down*
AZULA: Goddammit! The others are right about you being useless.
VOLDEMORT: I'm not useless! How dare you say it! Avada Ke-
AZULA: Shut the hell up. *to other puppets and Avatar characters* I'm trying to do a good thing by helping this puppet be a better murderer and you have to ruin it!
AANG: But all life is –
AZULA: You shut the hell up too!
*AANG enters the Avatar state*
AANG: Nobody tells me to shut the hell up!
TOPH: Really? That's all it takes to get him into the Avatar State?
ZUKO: I'm glad I never told him to shut the hell up.
*AZULA shoots lightning bolts at AANG, but ZUKO redirects them. TOPH earthbends the ground underneath AZULA's ankles to keep her in place, and KATARA freezes water from her pouch around her arms. AANG then energybends*
SOKKA: Well, I feel useless. *throws boomerang at AZULA* TAKE THAT!
HARRY: I feel useless, too. Let's take care of the useless evil one!
VOLDEMORT: How dare you call me useless! Avada Ke-
HARRY: VOLDY, NO KILLING!
VOLDEMORT: DAMN IT! EVERY TIME!
SNAPE: Please let him kill someone already. Please? Maybe then he'll go away. Let him kill the orange one.
RON: Snape, you told me you WEREN'T a death eater.
SNAPE: I'm not.
RON: Okay.
HARRY: NO! We can't kill Ron! He's my lovable but dim-witted best friend!
HERMIONE: Okay. I take what I said back. THIS is the closest we'll come to seeing kindness from Harry.
HARRY: I know. It sickens me.
HERMIONE: Should we attempt a fight scene?
HARRY: Eh. Probably. EXPECTO PATRONADS!
HERMIONE: Don't you mean Expecto PatronUS?
HARRY: Hermione, that spell's useless right now.
HERMIONE: Well, it's better than a wizard swear.
VOLDEMORT: I dunno. That wizard swear kind of hurt my feelings.
AZULA: *while attempting to resist AANG's energybending* YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!
RON: I've got a spell! And it's a real one too! CROOKSHANKS!
HERMIONE: That's my cat.
RON: But in 'My Immortal,'
HERMIONE: Do NOT take magic lessons from My Fucking Immortal!
RON: I'm sorry B'loody Mary Smith. Please don't suck my blood.
HERMIONE: VAMPIRES CANNOT BE WIZARDS! Except for Cedric. But he only plays a vampire. And he was a wizard before he was a vampire. And he's so good with his toes.
ZUKO: What?
HERMIONE: Um, never mind. Are you good with your toes?
ZUKO: Does anyone in your universe have normal sex?
NEVILLE: If sex is normal, you're not doing it right. Duh.
VOLDEMORT: I'm tired of this! Since I can't kill you, CRUCIO!
RON: CROOKSHANKS! *CROOKSHANKS flies out of the wand, and cuddles up to VOLDEMORT*
SNAPE: Can he kill the cat?
HERMIONE: No, he's my widdle kitty.
VOLDEMORT: Besides, he's so cute I don't wanna kill him. Awwww. Wait! The Cutie Mark Crusaders taught me that I'm allergic to cute! *VOLDEMORT gets small animal-shaped hives all over his body*
SOKKA: Is this your idea of a fight scene?
HERMIONE: Well, our writers have never done one before, so they kind of suck at it.
ZUKO: Ugh! This is stupid! *Firebends at VOLDEMORT*
VOLDEMORT: AHHH! I'm burning alive.
ZUKO: What do you know, puppets ARE flammable.
HARRY, RON, HERMIONE: YAY!
*AANG succeeds in energybending AZULA*
AZULA: DAMN IT! Now I'm useless too!
SOKKA: HEY! Non-benders are not useless! One day, we'll revolt against all the oppressive benders and demand equality!
AZULA: And I thought I was crazy...
HARRY: Well, now that that's over, there's only one more thing. *smashes soul cart*
SOUL MERCHANT: NOOO! MY SOULS! I should go back to cabbages.
HARRY: No time now! We have more pressing matters at hand. How do we get back to Hogwarts?
RON: I know! Abra Kadabra!
TOPH: It's a miracle! I can see! Thank you, ginger! *to HERMIONE* And you still seem like a guy. And where are those boobs you were talking about?
HERMIONE: Ron, say Hocus Pocus. Now!
RON: Abra Kadabra!
SOKKA: HEY! Funny candy! I think I'll eat this and see what happens!
KATARA: No, Sokka, don't!
HERMIONE: NOW, and I'll do your next potions homework for you.
RON: Even those really hard pop quizzes?
HERMIONE: YES!
RON: HOCUS POCUS!
SOKKA: So long strange food.
TOPH: And let the blind jokes resume.
HARRY: BUT HOW DO WE GET HOME?!
RON: Oh, we need to get back home to the Internet? Let me just take my laptop out.
HARRY: You've had that THIS WHOLE TIME?!
RON: Dumbly and I were watching internet porn. I can't believe you didn't notice it.
HERMIONE: Okay, everyone that belongs in the Internet, touch the webcam.
NEVILLE: But we didn't even visit the sexy cemetery, and there were no girls at old people camp!
TOPH: Just please touch the webcam and go home.
HARRY: But didn't our school get blown up by that strange bomb?
RON: Yeah, but the writers aren't too good at continuity, so it'll be back to normal when we get home, or as normal as our universe normally is.
*PUPPET GANG gets pulled into the webcam*
HARRY: YAY! No more crossovers!
HERMIONE: Harry, I don't think this is our universe. The people are more realistic than in the last one.
RON: And this ginger boy looks a lot like me, but he's smarter and less gay…
HARRY: I think I'm gonna like that Ron. BUT DAMN YOU FANFIC WRITERS!
TO BE CONTINUED…