Marka Nichols woke up that Sunday like it was any other day. She didn't want to think about its significance. A day to celebrate mothers. The whole idea of it made her uncomfortable and only she knew exactly why. It wasn't something you could express to anyone without having them look at you like you were a monster. Even the therapist she had been speaking to for nearly a decade hadn't known how to respond to her confession except to say that her feelings were wrong, and something she needed to work on. The therapist had even offered her medication, as though a pill could help her overcome all of her own unnaturalness.
She sat up in bed and stretched. Her husband's side of the bed was untouched. Les hadn't come home last night. It was becoming a more and more common occurrence. He'd feed her some excuse, a lie they both knew she'd never buy, but which didn't seem to matter to him anymore. Les didn't even have enough respect for his wife to even try to hide his extramarital affairs anymore. He did as he pleased.
He'd probably forgotten Mother's Day too. Not that it mattered much anymore. She'd bought herself a gift though. An afternoon of pampering at her favourite spa in the city. Maybe someday when Nicky was grown up they'd do things like that together. It was one of the few things Marka had actually enjoyed doing with her own mother.
The cell phone vibrated on the nightstand. Marka reached an arm out from underneath her duvet to grasp it. Her blue eyes were still foggy with sleep. Marka pulled the phone closer to her face and then had to squint to read the message.
"The reservation is for 9. Don't be late or they'll give our table away"
"Happy Mother's Day"
The second text was almost like an afterthought. Not the prime principal as to why they'd made plans to have brunch in the first place. Holidays and Birthdays. They weren't the sort of people who got together because they actually enjoyed one another's company. It was obligatory. They were family, whether they approved of one another or not.
Marka's mother had been disappointed in her since the day she was born and had rarely ever seen any of her daughter's successes or milestones as worthy of praise. The last time they had seen one another, all her mother could talk about was how ghastly it was of Marka to allow her daughter to wear overalls out to dinner. Nicky had been adamant and Marka hadn't felt like fighting with a five-year-old, but all her mother had to say was that if she couldn't get her child to act right, then she should have been left home with the nanny.
Sighing, Marka sat up in the bed so that she could type out a quick reply to her mother. She bit down on her lip anxiously. The clock was approaching eight and she was going to have to really sprint to be there in time. She'd have to bring Nicky with her too. It wouldn't be right to leave her behind on this day of all days. Though the thought of taking Nicky out to brunch to see her grandmother was something that made Marka's stomach twist in anxiety.
Seen and not heard. Those were the expectations her mother had always had for children and that was definitely not who Nicky was. The little girl was busy, chatty, and more stubborn than Marka had ever believed such a tiny person could be. Her spiritedness was unbecoming of a young lady, Marka's mother often criticized her. Every time they got together Marka had to listen to lectures of how she was too lenient, that her daughter lacked discipline and walked all over her, and that a good spanking was what was needed to get her to sit in her seat and eat silently while the adults talked.
"It worked for you," Marka's mother would remind her.
Perhaps it had. But Marka had never been able to bring herself to punish her daughter as harshly just to get her to conform to her grandmother's high standards. She didn't want to squash Nicky's spirit. At the mere age of five Nicky had more confidence and charisma than Marka could have ever dreamed of. It made her almost jealous of her daughter but it exhausted her too. She just couldn't keep up with her.
Though she wanted nothing more than to pull the covers over her head until tomorrow, she knew that wasn't an option. She was running short on time and needed to get dressed and primed for what was sure to be a taxing morning. Meetings with her mother always were. There was so much resentment and baggage from her own childhood between them, but Marka still couldn't bring herself to sever the relationship entirely. You only got one mother.
Reluctantly, Marka kicked her covers off and swung her legs out of bed. Padding barefoot across the hardwood floor, she flicked the lights on for her walk-in closet and then stepped inside to pick out what she was going to wear. There were clings and clangs from downstairs in the kitchen, Nicky's laughter echoing through the house, and the sounds of Paloma patiently guiding the girl with the morning's task.
It was all for her. She'd heard the two of them talking about it last night before Nicky's bedtime. Nicky had as much discretion as a bull of a china shop, and though the prospect of "top secret" Mother's Day plans would swell any woman's heart with joy, all Marka could feel was deepest shame. She'd always sworn that she would never be like her own mother and she felt like she was succeeding at that. However, she still wasn't the mother she had wanted to be.
It wasn't supposed to be like this. Five years ago, she had been filled with a euphoric optimism of all the possibilities. Nicky's persistent kicks in the womb had delighted Marka as much as they'd scared her. Her own childhood had made her wary of becoming a mother in the first place but Les had really pressed for a baby.
They were married, with successful careers, and living a prosperous life surrounded by beautiful things. They could offer their child the world and in return give themselves the one thing that they were missing: a family. It was supposed to be different than their own primary experiences had been. Yet, they'd underestimated how difficult it would be to break the cycle and just how hard parenthood would be.
The family she had envisioned had never came to be. She'd expected them to be a team, to share in the responsibilities as it was Les that had pushed for a baby in the first place. Yet, she was the only one who seemed to be making the sacrifices. The only one whose life had dramatically changed. When it seemed important for someone to scale back at work, it always had to be her. Marka loved her baby, but she had never been willing to give up on her career and the patronages she had devoted herself to long before Nicky had even been an idea.
Those expectations had made her resentful and made her push harder to hold onto the person she'd been before motherhood had consumed her life. The dream of having it all was just that-a dream, and trying to juggle all of it left Marka feeling overwhelmed and burned. Hiring a nanny was the only answer. Paloma brought infinite relief whilst also making her employer feel wholly inadequate.
Paloma had learned to decipher between a hungry and a tired cry, when it all just sounded like the same old screaming to Marka. She knew Nicky's favourite bedtime books and how to do funny voices to make the stories come alive. Marka knew if she was any sort of mother, she'd be putting her own child to bed. Though she often worked late, there were times when she was home from the office at a reasonable hour. Nights when she should send the nanny home early and soak up some precious time with her daughter, except she rarely did. Marka didn't know what to say to her, how to relate, and it was disheartening to even try.
"Stop her! It's not ready!"
Marka gritted her teeth and inwardly winced before she entered the kitchen. Dressed in a wool suit and taking care to wear the jewellery her mother had gifted her over the years. She thought that would be appreciated and perhaps make the morning go more smoothly. That is, if they weren't late.
"What's not ready?" Marka asked, making straight for the coffee maker. Every day began the same way and she usually didn't even feel alive until she got her first cup into her.
"No, mommy, you have to go back! Go back to bed!" Nicky pleaded anxiously.
"Sweetie, we're having brunch at the four seasons," Marka replied, pouring her coffee. She glanced up and really focused on Nicky for the first time. Her curls untamed and still wearing her long nightgown.
"Paloma, why is she not dressed?" Marka asked, her eyes flashing to the nanny. They needed to be out the door in twenty minutes. Paloma had been told they'd be going out to Brunch that morning. Marka knew she had remembered to tell her because the nanny had been grateful to have the morning off so that she could spend some time with her own children.
"I tell her, but she want to surprise you. She been up since 6:00."
The nanny's tone could hardly have been more obvious to Marka. The hushed way when someone is trying to send a message that will go over a child's head. Paloma was trying to get her to open her eyes and appreciate the obvious effort Nicky had wanted to go to for her this morning.
She'd have loved to be the mother who lied in bed pretending to be asleep so that her daughter could "surprise" her with breakfast in bed. Though she knew she'd feel awkward play-acting like that, it was a sweet gesture. However, resentment towards her employee was surpassing that at this very moment. Paloma knew they had brunch planned, but she'd let Nicky start putting together this breakfast anyway-a breakfast that would never be ready in time and they had places to be.
"Well, that's very cute, honey…" Marka told Nicky. "But we need to get dressed, and put on our happy faces, and pretend we like Grandma."
"There'll be shrimp cocktail," she added, trying to sound upbeat. She knew Brunch at the Four Seasons could hardly sound fun to Nicky but it was what they were going to do.
"But it's Mother's Day."
"That's right. It's my day. So, we will get through brunch, and I will head straight to the spa," Marka said.She'd scheduled a relaxation massage and facial for exactly after her celebration with her mother. She always felt like she deserved a reward for surviving that.
"Happy Mother," she smiled. It wasn't exactly the truth and she could tell from her daughter's face that she wasn't happy either. Marka felt a pang of guilt as she turned to walk away. She wanted to switch over her purse to the one that would match her outfit before they left.
"Oh, come on sweetheart," she soothed, trying to sound upbeat. "Put on the blue dress I bought you from Bergdorf's."
As Marka walked out of the room a faint voice reached her ear. "She didn't read my card".
She halted her step for a moment and felt flushed with guilt. So consumed with her own problems, her own dread of what the morning held for her, she hadn't even considered altering her own agenda for a moment. Brunch would have survived if she'd taken a few seconds to nibble a muffin and read the card her daughter had made for her, and if her mother had given her grief about being a few minutes tardy she could have rolled her eyes on the drive home and shared stories with Nicky about her own upbringing that may have brought them closer. Once again, she had failed to see the bigger picture and look past her own mind to see what truly mattered.
Marka hesitated, she almost turned around, but the moment had passed. Paloma was already ushering the disappointed little girl down the hall to the other side of the apartment where her own bedroom was. Soon she would emerge in the blue dress, with her hair as tamed as it could ever get, and they would go off to brunch together like two strangers. Marka had missed a golden opportunity to connect with the baby who still seemed to love her despite how inadequate of a mother she was. It seemed too late to make it right though. Sighing, Marka raised her mug of coffee to her lips for a sip. Then she walked off to find her matching purse.