Hi! I decided to try something new - this story will generally be told through the series of phone conversations. Mainly between Cas and Sam, but there will be some others too.
Warnings: slash, Destiel, Cas/OMC, language, smartass!Cas
Disclaimer: I don't own SPN. Wish I did...
Enjoy, L.
Prologue
"No, oh please, no…" I choke out as I see them fall. "No, no, no, no…"
3 months after angels fell
I think I'm adjusting fairly well, considering all things. It's must be much easier for me than for majority of my siblings because I've spent enough time on Earth before. I haven't been so human before, but at least I do know I have no human skills, I'm completely inept at recognizing jokes or references and my sense of humor is barely understood by anyone. Granted, the jokes I make, and I don't make many of them to begin with, sound much better in Enochian, but I wish people I start to consider friends would get them.
So friends. Yes, I didn't expect that to happen. I mean the Winchesters kept telling me I'm hopeless when it comes to human interaction and it's not that they've been wrong, but somehow I managed to make friends. Well, acquaintances really, but I'm fairly certain they are bordering friends now. I work with them and that's also new – I actually have a job. I'm truly very proud of my job, because if I'm honest, and that's increasingly rare trait of mine given how much I have to lie, I have almost no skills that could be useful in this human life I now lead. Except that I have more knowledge than any human can hope to posses. And so I work at the library and I specialize on ancient works of Latin and Greek philosophers. I've read and know all of them by heart, so really – my job is piece of cake, or is it pie?
Anyway, I also have a place to live, which I have to admit, was really hard to get. I was fortunate enough to have kept the documents Dean got me a lifetime ago, so in my first days of the human life, I at least was able to get a motel room. It did cause a problem, because money ran out soon… But the documents helped me get a job and eventually I managed to rent this studio apartment I live in. It's small and only has a bed and a stove, but I don't really need anything else right now and I am almost giddy with joy to have made it this far on my own, to have managed to survive.
Right, so I've got a job now, I have friends – well, almost – and I have place I can call home. So all things considering, I'm adjusting really well. Except where I can't sleep through the night without having nightmares that make me scream myself awake. Or except where sometimes I feel so alone I want to scream. Or except where sometimes I have to almost physically restrain myself from calling Dean. And except that I still think about him every single day… So yes, all good and shiny on this side of humanity!
I like working at the library because first and foremost it's quiet. There's very little human interaction there and people that do want to speak to me about philosophers are rather inept at social behavior themselves, so all in all I fit right in. Today is one of those extremely quiet days – I haven't been spoken to once and I can concentrate on the translations I do. My colleagues – friends maybe – Allie and Jake are on lunch so I'm all on my own here. But there's very little to do this time of a day. There are few visitors reading silently and another few browsing the shelves. All in all it's calm and quiet so I go to put some of the returned books back on the shelves. I'm almost finishing up when the bell on the reception desk jingles silently.
I put the books down and poke my head out to see who's there. I meet his eyes and we both freeze for a second.
"Sam?" I mutter. I haven't seen him since that horrible day of course. I stare at him and I'm relieved. He looks so much better than the last time I saw him. He looks healthy at last. I've been worried about him, countless times I thought about calling him just to check if he's alright. I never did though.
"Castiel?" He's incredulous, wide eyed stare makes me uncomfortable. And that's saying something, because usually it's me giving the stare.
I walk towards him and I raise my hand to shake his. He looks at my hand for a second as if he's surprised or unsure, but then he steps around it and pulls me into a hug.
"You're alive!" He almost shouts hugging me and instinctively I shush him.
"Sam, we're in a library, be quiet."
He chuckles silently releasing me, but he still stares at me.
"You're alive…"
"Yes, I suppose I am." I tell him and move behind the desk. "You look good. Really much better than the last time… Are you alright?"
"Yeah, I'm good, I'm good." He says dismissively. "What are you… Why didn't you… I mean… What?"
"Sam, you're not making sense."
"There are just too many questions I want to ask." He says and starts again. "What are you doing here? Why didn't you find us? What's happening?"
I smile at him trying to pull myself together.
"I work here. I didn't find you because I saw no reason for that. There's nothing happening in particular, unless you want to clarify this question."
"Wait, wait... You saw no reason to find us?"
"Yes, I saw no reason to find you. I'm human now. Well almost." I tell him silently.
"But… I don't get it. Why didn't you see a reason to find us?" He looks at me bewildered.
"I'm human now." I repeat.
"So?"
"Well what purpose human I could serve the Winchesters?" I ask him evenly. I've been through this in my mind countless times. I was useless to them in this state, I was liability, a burden I didn't wish to bestow upon them.
"What purpose? Are you kidding me? Cas, do you realize we've been looking for you?"
"No, I didn't know you were. Was there something you wanted?"
"Cas, this is getting bizarre. It's almost as if we're speaking different languages. After, you know, they fell," he looks around to make sure no one's listening to us, "Dean and I stayed at that church for couple of days waiting for you to find us or to call us. When you didn't we went around looking for you, asking questions, you know, just searching. Dean was going crazy – you know how he is when something happens to us. "
That's… surprising to say the least. I wasn't expecting that – I never even considered the possibility that they would be looking for me. Why would they? I mean I said my good byes to Dean, what reason might he have had to look for me? He must've known I was human – they saw my brothers fall. I tilt my head at him.
"I'm sorry Sam, but I don't understand. Why would you be looking for me? There's really very little I can do for you now."
"Jesus freakin'…" He growls and I see he's trying to compose himself. "We weren't looking for you so you can help us. We were looking for you so we can help you."
I shouldn't be surprised, but it actually startles me how angry I am at that.
"I do not require help, Sam." I hiss. "I can handle my so called humanity just fine."
He almost recoils at the venom in my voice.
"Come on, Cas. I didn't mean it like that – sure you can handle it. We just… I mean, you're family."
"Don't." I stop him. I can't handle this family nonsense anymore. It's over, I won't let myself believe it again. "I am not your family. I have nothing to give to you two anymore, there's no need for this drivel."
"Cas…"
"Stop it Sam. Is there something you wanted in this library?"
"Come on!"
"Just drop it. I'm not interested in talking about any of this anymore. If you need something here, just let me know."
"Fine. You don't want to talk to me, I'm sure Dean will get you talking. After he gets over of how pissed he is at you." Sam glares at me and I shudder. Dammit, I don't want to see Dean. I don't want to talk to him and I sure can do without him judging and yelling at me – I think I got enough of it to last me a lifetime, especially such a short lifetime I seem to be getting.
"Sam…" I start slowly. I have to convince him no matter what. "You can't tell Dean I'm here."
"What? You're kidding me, right?"
"No. You can't tell him I'm here. I don't want him to come here."
"I'm sorry Cas, but I sure as hell am telling Dean where you are. He's been horrible ever since he realized you weren't coming and what that meant. He drinks more than ever and he barely ever sleeps. I mean come on, it's just as it was after the leviathans when we thought you were dead."
"Sam, I'm sure Dean's moods have nothing to do with me. He was absolutely fine when I told him I was leaving. I've died enough times for him to get over it. And really, I just don't want to be dragged back to all this. I have a shot at life now, please, please don't tell him I'm here. You had a shot at life and Dean's had his and this is mine. I don't want to lose this, please…"
"For crying out loud, I can't keep this from him. He'd kill me!"
"Look, if you really think he cares if I'm alive then tell him I called you and, I don't know, refused to tell you where I was, but just wanted you to know I was alive. Please, don't tell him where I am." I almost beg now.
"Why? Why don't you want to see him? I mean you were always around back then… What's happened?"
"I made mistakes…" I tell him silently. "Last and apparently unforgivable was outliving my usefulness."
"What are you talking about?"
"Dean was willing to forgive and forget whatever I did – and let's face it, I did a lot of horrible things, unforgivable things – as long as I could help… well, you. There were two times I couldn't – once in hypothetical 2014 were I was just as useless as I am now, more so maybe… Dean sent me to die in an attempt to save you. An attempt he knew was vain. The second time was your trial. I couldn't save you and so when I told Dean I was going to almost surely die saving the remains of my family, he was just fine with it. So really Sam, whatever turmoil is Dean in, I'm really sorry about it, but it has nothing to do with me. I don't even see a point of telling him I'm alive, but if you think he'd like to know – by all means. I just don't want to see him again. If you insist on telling him, I'll have to leave and start again and I really don't want to leave my life here. I have decent life here…"
"You… You think Dean doesn't care." Sam finally mutters.
"No, I know he doesn't and I sure as hell won't be a burden to anyone, least of all your brother. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for all he's done for me. There are things I'd never be able repay him for, but now I don't even have a way of repaying him. I know he thinks he's responsible for everything and he would try to help me, same as he did in Purgatory, but I don't want him to feel he has to. I just don't need help and I want to live my life on my own. Please don't tell him I'm here. I will leave if you do and I really don't want to do that. Sam, even though he never wanted or intended it, Dean was the end of my celestial life. I don't blame him or anything, that's just a fact. So now, I will do whatever it takes for him not to be the end of my human life. This is my choice, my free will and I choose not to see him again. Please, don't tell him."
"He's gonna kill me…"
"You won't?" I ask hopefully. I really, really can't see him. Not now, when it still so fresh, when I know I'd fall right back into the whole mess and jumble of my misplaced affection.
"I won't… I think you're wrong though, for what it's worth. I don't know what happened when you said you'd leave, but I assume he was just freaking out about me, as always. You know Dean, he's sometimes so single minded it's absurd. He did a fair bit of freaking out when you didn't return though… You should've seen him, Cas. And as for 2014, you can't really hold it against him, man. Dean didn't do that, it was a broken version of him, a version that he is not. Dammit Cas, you're family…"
"Stop. Don't." I shake my head. "Thank you Sam. I really appreciate you agreeing to this. Anyway, I assume you're in a library because you're working on a case? What are you looking for?"
"Yeah, there's this sign we found carved on a man's chest couple of days ago. From the look of it, he was sacrificed, but I've never seen the sign like that so you know, I have to hit the books." He smiles.
"Show me the sign." I tell him. Honestly, I know the majority of the books by heart, if I hadn't seen it, it's no use looking for it here.
Sam pulls out his phone and shows me the photo. From the first glance at it I know it looks familiar, but it takes me couple of seconds to remember. I haven't seen this in centuries, millennia even.
"It's the sign of Nammu. She was a Sumerian goddess of primeval sea who gave birth to gods. She was the most powerful, most loved and feared in Mesopotamia, until Enki took over. She was lethal and she was glorious until she was no more. I have no idea why this man was sacrificed, but Nammu hasn't been seen in millennia. If someone is trying to resurrect her, then you're in trouble, because with no angels left and Lucifer having killed the pagan gods, there's no one who would equal her power."
"Dammit, why is it always like that? Why is it never salt-n-burn anymore?" Sam complains and I agree wholeheartedly. Nammu was vicious and I certainly wouldn't want to stand in her way. "Thanks anyway, man. You saved me like two days of research."
"No problem, happy to help the Winchesters." I deadpan and he looks at me curiously.
"You know what, Sam," I say suddenly surprising even myself, "how about I give you my number – you call me if you're stuck on something. Apparently I still can help and I have a lot to atone and to repay for."
I give him my number and then I can't help but ask. I know I shouldn't, I really, really shouldn't, but I ask anyway.
"How is he?"
He looks at me for a long while and then sighs.
"He's miserable. He's trying to pull it together and be strong, but he's just not… He drinks too much. He doesn't talk to me and glares at me when I try to. He's a mess and when I ask what's wrong, he just says he's fine. Cas, I know it's about you, ok? I just know."
"No." I shake my head. "You've got to help him, Sam. He gave everything and will give everything for you. Don't leave him."
"I would never…"
"Yes you would." I cut him off. "You have left him before and he's not good at letting you go. You can't leave him now. There's no Bobby and no Lisa anymore. You've got to take care of him."
"He's my brother Cas, I will take care of him."
"Ok, good." I nod and the relief I feel frightens me. No, I really can't see him. "Look, I've got some work to do, so if you don't mind…"
"No, it's ok." He nods and then unexpectedly hugs me again. "I'm really happy you're alive Cas. You might not believe this, but you are a family."
"Thanks Sam." I pat his back awkwardly. Honestly, I don't understand how 'personal space' is so important, but hugging is acceptable. "It was nice to see you again. And you do look much better."
He releases me and I add. "You should get a haircut though."
He laughs silently and leaves.