To Whom It May Concern,
This is a legitimate warning. DO NOT fall in love with Phil Lester.
He's the kind of guy that will absolutely ruin you forever, far beyond repair.
He'll contaminate your heart and distort the shape with his pestering loveliness and smiles. The constant teasing with light kisses and "I love you Dans." So annoying. And his lips are soft so of course you're going to enjoy it. Remember those remnants of feelings you had for your ex girlfriends? And your crushes? No? I didn't think so. They're all gone. Phil stole them. Yeah, you're never getting those back. Ever. That thief.
He'll taint your vision too, like you just got lasik and everything looks different. Familiar, but still different. He'll steal your eyes away so fast that you won't notice they're gone. It is so odd. It's as if you're not able to look at anyone else and see any comparable beauty, like I am not able to want anyone else but Phil. It's irritating, you know. Only being captivated by Phil. Oh, and you better forget about porn of any sort. Once you go through Phil, all those things will be meager fragments of your past that never show back up. Might as well clear your whole hard drive out now, because its just going to sit there and take up memory on your laptop.
He'll then use his dumb face to mind-control you too. Its an unfair game. You'll have no chance, I assure you. He'll flash you that little crooked grin and all of the sudden you've got this beet red face and you're buying him ice cream. Dude, you look ridiculous and whipped. And be prepared for when he brings out the big guns: he'll cover his mouth when he laughs. Feeling nauseous yet? Did you just faint? Yup, Phil caused that. You're welcome.
He'll use his eyes against you too. Don't even get me started on the eyes. Just as I predicted, you just noticed how the bright blue ripples of pigment undulate within his irises, amidst a cloud of pure white. Guess what? Now you can't look at any island beach post cards, or tropically scented candle wrappers for that matter, without thinking "ehh, I've seen better." Seriously, his cuteness is screwing up everything, and it needs to stop.
He's got you good by now. If you're still reading and relating to my previous points, then sorry, you're screwed for forever. Why? News flash: he'll make love to you like he knows your body better than you know your own. Which is bad news for us. I'll never be able to have sex with anyone else again for the rest of my life, because Phil has to do it sooo perfectly. He'll wrap his arms around you and whisper how beautiful you are, while expelling steamy breaths down your neck as he does it. He'll be making sure you finish first, and putting himself second, so selflessly. And when it's all done, he'll kiss you passionately, and then many gentle times until you fall asleep under his protection. Lovers like Phil come around maybe once in a million people.
Lastly, he'll make you do things you wouldn't normally do. He'll quickly become someone you would take a bullet for. You'll find yourself feeling real, true pain whenever he does, as if you have a cable connected between your hearts. One day you'll be waking up early on Sundays, home-making him pancakes "just because," and doing other sappy things the old you would sneer at. You'll become a complete and utter romantic, and you will bawl your eyes out at the end of happy movies because finally, you can relate, grasping onto that fairytale closing. He'll make you a happier, better, kinder, more accomplished person who you can be proud to be.
Please. If you're reading this and you know what's best for you, for your future, DO NOT fall in love with Phil Lester. And if you already have? Then I suggest moving off of the planet. He's MINE.
- Dan