I try to sort it out sometimes: how all of this happened. Inside my mind, though, I find more questions than answers. What was it about her? The person I cared the most about absolutely hated her. I guess you can't really blame him. He always said I was sleeping with the very type of creature who killed both of our parents – and he was right. I was in no position to argue.
It appeared that everyday, she would be my motivation. My heart would skip a beat when she suddenly entered the room. I waited on her phone call. I was a man in love….but with what? She didn't' even have a stable body. One day she could be a brunette while the next she could be a blonde. She could change her eyes, her name, her identity…what exactly was I smitten by?!

This place is a hole, but I don't want to go
I wish we could stay here forever alone.
This time that we waste, but I still love your taste.
Don't let him take my place, don't just sit there.

Maybe it was because the person she made me. For once, I didn't have to worry about doing what was right or wrong. I thought that maybe not all demons were all THAT bad. Besides, haven't we been taught to keep our friends close but enemies closer? Ah screw the clichés.
Perhaps it was the fact that Dean hated her. On our journey to save the world, I seemed to always have the target on my back. Dean always thought he was protecting me. Maybe Ruby was my way of doing my own thing. Who better to protect you than someone with powers? Power. That's another thing. She understood my struggle. She knew what it was like to be torn within yourself.

Sometimes I wish you would leave me.
Well, I'm not sick of you yet,
is that as good as it gets?
I'll just try to hide it, or I could slip into you,
It's so easy to come back into you.

Above all, I think I was in love with the blood. Weird, right? With one taste of the sweet demonic DNA, I was addicted to say the least. I couldn't tell it. All I knew is how I felt: invincible. I thought I was saving the world. I could distract demons even if I was ruining my own health. Dean hated this but I think sometimes he even appreciated it.

I stand for awhile and waited for words,
Seen but not heard and struggled to try.
My tongue's turning black, but I'll take you back.
You're still the best more or less, I guess, I guess.

She introduced me to the demon-blood. I couldn't stop after a while. I would feed on innocent meat-suits. I didn't care. As long as I got my next hit, I was perfectly fine. I didn't have a soul. I didn't care if it was making me weak or destroying my image. Who needed it anyway? People were going to live, people were going to die. At least by me becoming half-demon, I could save the ones I could.
Don't you leave me,
Well, I'm not sick of you yet,
Is that as good as it gets?
I'll just try to hide it, or I could slip into you,
It's so easy to come back into you.

It wasn't just that. I'd be lying if I said I could. Being with Ruby was some sort of self-mutilation. With Dean gone, I didn't know where to go or where to turn. She made promises…. Lots and lots of promises. I wanted to avenge Dean's death. I had to. It was my fault he was dead. Dammit! Why am I not taking responsibility?

She gave me drugs. She gave me sex. She gave me anything I wanted except being faithful.

It hurts me to say that it hurts me to stay.
And it might be alright if you go.
It hurts me to say that I want you to stay,
But it might be alright if you go.

When the last seal was broken, Dean was released and killed her. I felt like a dagger had been pierced in my soul, yet, at the same time: ecstatic to see him. I had severe withdraws though. Sometimes I wanted to die. I didn't know if I could live without demon blood or not….but I am. Hell, I may even save the world this time. Without her.

Authors Note: It was just a little something I wrote in a hurry. Credit for the lyrics are:
Artist: Marianas Trench "Lover Dearest."