The Makings of a Terrible Hyperdimension Neptunia Fanfic!
Written by: Our lord and savior, Draco-senpai!
Step 1: The obligatory, overly long disclaimer.
Disclaimer: The following is a non-profit, fan-based parody. Hyperdimension Neptunia is owned by Compile Heart, Idea Factory and Mizuno Naoko, please support the official release. I do not own any of the characters within this story, no matter how OOC they appear and how little they act like what they're canonically supposed to. I am merely a part-time Dragon Slayer who likes to write and such, because if I don't clarify all of this, Compile Heart and Mizuno-san will definitely take time out of their day to hunt me down like a little rat and burn me at the stake.
Step 2: Write a compelling Author's Note.
A/N: Aw yeah! Words and shit!
Step 3: Make a strong first impression with your story's intro.
Back when the people of Gamindustri was a wee land with nothing, there was one Goddess, the True Goddess. But she died eventually, and left behind her four kids, but they're actually not her kids in Mk 2, so yeah.
Step 4: Add some Japanese to give the illusion that you're totally cultured.
"Konichiwa, mina-san!" Neptune said as she took a sledgehammer to the fourth wall. A literal sledgehammer. "This is your friendly neighborhood tomodachi, Neptune-chan!"
"Jeez your name is freaking hard to pronounce!" Uzume said to the purple girl.
"Why does everyone always say that, it's not that hard!" Neptune retorted!
"That's because a lot of those people are used to hearing it in English! Yeah, sure, Neptune ain't half bad, but everyone always forgets how differently people pronounce stuff in Japanese. I mean come on! Neputyunu? Try saying that three times fast!"
"Oh yeah, the way people pronounce stuff in that language is really weird, ain't it?"
"You can say that again!"
"Wait, do we even count as Japanese? I mean, I get we were made by a Japanese developer, therefore we come from a JRPG, but we live in an entirely different dimension. What does that make us?"
"Uh..." Uzume deadpanned. "Gamindustrian…? Maybe…?"
"… Works for me!"
Step 5: Shoehorn in your totally original and not generic in any way OC.
"Oh man, I totally love Hyperdimension Neptunia!" The boy said to himself as he played his favorite game. "I totes wish I could live in their not boring world instead of our totally boring one," He muttered to himself.
Draco Slayer (yes, that's his full name, got a problem with that?) was a huge Hyperdimension Neptunia fan of the series ever since the first game. Even though there were probably dozens of other games he might like better, this was his favorite, for some reason.
Despite being a total shut-in, Draco was very handsome. Standing at around 3 feet tall with beautiful golden fur and a soft, while belly that nobody could resist petting. Adding to his drop-dead good looks was a pair of big ears and a tail shaped like a lightning bolt. Furthermore, he always wore a stoic expression and had a voice that could make the ladies swoon. Truly, he was a man among men (men who looked suspiciously like Raichus, but men nonetheless).
Suddenly, and without warning, his game screen flashed and a hand grabbed him and grabbed him and pulled him in. Despite the abnormality of the situation, our protagonist took it surprisingly well.
"HOLY CRAP! THERE'S A HAND GRABBING ME FROM INSIDE THE TV!" Like a champ. "WHY GOD, WHY?!"
After being pulled in, he fell from the sky into a world that looked extremely familiar to the boy. As he looked around, the boy realized that he had arrived in Gamindustri, the world that he'd longed to visit. Overcome with joy, the boy couldn't help but voice his excitement into the air.
"I'M GONNA DIE! I'M GONNA FREAKING DIE! WHAT DID I EVER DO TO DESERVE THIS?!" Excitement oozed from his every syllable! "AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGHHH! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!"
Suddenly, a purple flash of light flew through the sky and scooped up the boy in its arms as it flew on past. "That's Goddess to you, Mr.," The flying purple lady said to the boy. The voice of the beautiful woman calmed his soul considerably.
"AAAAAHHHH! AAAAAHHHH! AAAAAHHHH!" It was then that Purple Heart discovered that this boy… He could make for a beautiful soprano!
Step 6: Make the entire cast attracted to your OC for no reason whatsoever.
"He's so handsome!" Vert squealed, caressing Draco's fluffy body with her finger. "I do not understand why I find you so attractive, but your genericness makes you absolutely irresistible for some reason."
"That's true," Noire added, nodding in agreement to Vert's statement. "All we can apparently think about now is having sex with you, because of your generically nice personality and generically handsome appearance."
"I'm a short, yellow mouse," Draco said bluntly.
"A very handsome, short, yellow mouse," Vert retorted.
Step 7: Ship your OC with your favorite CPU.
"Shall we get ready for our date, Draco dear?" Vert asked teasingly.
"Well, technically Neptune is my favorite CPU, but sure, I guess," Draco stated wearily.
"Let's get married!"
"We haven't even gone out yet!"
"Fate brought us together, just roll with it!"
Step 8: Add lemons
They had sex.
It was hot.
Step 9: Add some kinky stuff.
"Spank me with your tail!"
"Contain your mammaries woman!"
Step 10: Make your OC inexplicably OP.
As Blanc charged up her axe for a swing, Draco stood across from her with a confident, but still stoic look on his face. The two stared each other down for what felt like hours until, finally, Blanc dropped her axe, for she knew there was no way to overcome the Stoic Raichu Face of Destiny!
"Join the conversation at #StoicRaichuFaceOfDestiny on Chirper!"
"Shut up Blanc! Please don't actually look that up."
Step 11: Give your OC a tragic and necessary backstory.
"Why… How are you so strong?" Blanc asked through ragged breaths.
"I… I was born with a curse," Draco said solemnly. "It's my face… The Stoic Raichu Face of Destiny… I inherited it from my mother, the True Goddess, who died when I was young… Even now I can hardly remember what she looked like. Although, people say… I have her eyes… Like, literally, when she died, she cut out her eyes and transplanted them on to me; it's kinda creepy, but now I can use the Susano'o, so I guess I'm okay with it."
"You poor thing, desu," Compa said as she hip-checked Blanc out of the screen and ran to the stoic boy's side and cuddled him in her arms. "Everything's going to be all right, now, desu."
"I'm Batman!"
Step 12: Reference other well-known authors on the archive.
"If Blade of Justice is Goku, then I'm Goku Black!" Draco's hair then spiked up ridiculously and turned a menacing pink color as he was surrounded by a dark purple aura. "Goody, goody two-shoes. Goody, goody two-shoes… Blade is overrated."
(Note: The character's opinions do not in any way reflect the author's actual opinions on said authors he's referencing. I mean, it's entirely possible that when he says 'Blade' he's referring to the vampire hunter from Marvel comics, but you can never be too careful. We thank you for your understanding and will now return you to your regularly scheduled program.)
"Don't I get a shout-out? I mean, we're friends aren't we?" YuriLover567 asked, poking her head out from around a corner. "I'm a guy!"
"No! Shut up and go back to your cave!"
"Okay."
"And I don't mean the character!"
"Aww."
"Besides, we're not friends…" Draco stated solemnly as he stared down at his ginormous mouse feet. "I'm… Nothing but an OutCast. Not even Zetta-chan, GN-Over-Bite-"
"It's Over-Kite!"
"Whatever! Neither of them could ever hope to fill my emo soul with Light!"
Step 13: In the case that you don't want to add an OC, force in as much yuri as possible with little to no bearing on the actual story at hand.
"I love you!" Neptune boldly declared.
"Oh, Neptune, I… I don't know what to say..." Noire held a hand to her chest as her face flushed.
Step 14: SubVert the audience's expectations without giving proper build-up so it feels like it comes out of left field.
"Oh, Neptune, I… I don't know what to say..." Noire held a hand to her chest as her face flushed.
"Oh, I wasn't talking to you," Neptune interrupted the daydreaming girl. She walked past the Lastation CPU and took her Ultradimension counterpart's hand as she fell to one knee. "I've been in love with you ever since we first met. I know you and I were destined to be together, so please go out with me, Me! Will you be my girlfriend?"
The bigger Neptune blushed as an infectiously huge smile spread across her features. "I… I love you, too, mini me! Of course I'll be your girlfriend!"
The two then proceeded to hop into Neptune's puddingmobile as they left Noire alone on the sidewalk…
NepuNowa is dead!
Step 15: Cram in as many references as you can think of for the hell of it.
With all the skill of an expert chef, Neptune flipped her 327,844th pancake onto her plate.
"Neptune, do you have to make so many," IF asked tiredly. "I get that this is the only productive thing you can do with your mouth and all, but-"
"That's what she said!" Neptune interrupted. IF deadpanned.
"Nep-Nep's always been a big eater, Iffy," Compa added. "You should have seen the last time we ate pancakes together. She devoured them like a hungry syrup pig at a free breakfast buffet."
"See, what you saw back then was my normal stomach," Neptune explained. Suddenly, she transformed into her HDD form, Purple Heart. "And this is my HDD Stomach!" She spoke as she inhaled over a sixth of the pancakes all at once. "And this, is my NEXT Stomach!" Just like that, another fourth of the pancakes disappeared. "And this! Is to to go even further beyond!"
The scene then devolved into about three episodes worth of powering up and screaming. Or at least it would have, had Neptune not passed out halfway through and reverted back to her human form in exhaustion.
Step 16: Time for an epic and nonsensical climax to the story with no explanation of what's going on.
"What the hell Nep?!" IF screamed incredulously. "What the actual Hell!"
"Did someone say Hell?" Arfoire asked as she flew through the window!"
"Oh, no… I'm too tired to beat her..." Neptune lamented, but then, suddenly her little sister, Nepgear appeared by her side.
"Don't give up sis! We have to beat her!" The sound of a guitar playing could be heard somewhere in the background.
"There's just no that way we can win she is an evil witch~" Is she singing? "She's way too strong because we have no shares ourselves~"
"Listen, mini me! She's gonna eat all your pudding~ She's gonna make you eat eggplants~"
"Never!"
"Unless we use a plot device to beat her up~"
"Jr… We've been through so much stuff~"
"Could you two hurry it up, I'm getting kind of-"
"I had to hear Plutia rapping~"
"That was rough~"
"Now it's time to take this sucker down~"
"Now it's time to take this sucker down~"
The guitar playing grew louder, entering into a more heroic chorus.
"Come on Jr., now it's time to blow doors down~"
"I hear you sis, now it's time to blow doors down~"
"Seriously, are we still-"
"Light up the stage 'cuz it's time for a showdown~!"
"We'll seal you up and ditch you over in Lowee~"
"Now we've got to take this sucker down!"
"Now we've got to take this sucker down!"
"She's gonna kill us if we do not blow doors down~"
"C'mon Jr., now it's time to blow doors down!"
"We'll save the day and then eat more pudding!"
"What are you two even doing right now? Are we going to-"
"Hey Arfy Barfy! Some final Boss! I know your weakness! It's Nep and Gear!"
"We will defeat you! For Gamindustri!"
"You might be evil! But we're the MCs! You are a witch! We are the Neps!"
"Wait, am I glowing? Why the hell am I glowing?!"
"We are the Neps! We are the Neps! We are the Neps! We are the Neps! We are the Neps! We are the Neps! WE ARE THE NEPS! WE ARE THE NEPS! WE ARE THE NEPS!"
"We are the Neps! We are the Neps! We are the Neps! We are the Neps! We are the Neps! We are the Neps! WE ARE THE NEPS! WE ARE THE NEPS! WE ARE THE NEPS!"
"AAAAAAHHHHHH!" There was nothing the witch could do as the power of the sister's combined share power blew her away back into the Gamindustri Graveyard where she belonged.
And that's the story of how Neptune and Nepgear defeated Arfoire with the power of rock… Their shares still suck though.
Step 17: Please just end this abomination already!
Draco left Gamindustri with a tearful farewell through stoic eyes. The entire cast, who he apparently communicated with off-screen, had come to see him off. There was not a dry eye in the entire group, except maybe S-Sha, she was kind of a dick like that.
"Thank you everyone, I will step through this portal without hesitation." Draco stepped through the portal, blinking away the stoic tears burning at his face. Everyone cried, because he was a total Mary Sue, just like me and you. I don't even know why I wrote this, please don't burn down my house.
Amen.
Step 18: Time for an unnecessary ending note.
Hi guys, thanks for reading.
It… It's not like I want you to review or anything, baka! I don't care if you guys took the time to actually read my masterpiece of a story! Because I don't! I know I'm awesome, and the pinnacle of a fanfic writer, but I don't need you to tell me that at all! I'm not insecure, you are!
This is totally not a rip-off of Ryomi's "How To Make A Really Bad Dragon Ball Z Fanfic!" This is totally original!
Step 19: Wait as dozens of reviews of lavish praise to roll in as you question what you just wrote.
Step 20: Realize the error of your mistakes and buy a poncho to wander the desert, never to be seen again…
Step 21: Join the conversation at #StoicRaichuFaceOfDestiny on Chirper!
Serious talk for a second guys. This story was written as a parody of certain tropes that I've seen here a lot. Please don't take this too seriously, I primarily wrote it cause it gave me a good laugh and I hoped that maybe you all might enjoy it as well. Some of these "steps" are things I'm guilty of as well, but I still kind of wanted to poke fun at, so hopefully I haven't antagonized anyone who might actually like these tropes, but I'm very sorry if I did offend anyone in any way.
I suppose you could also think of this as a challenge from me to you. Try doing something a little differently than what you see everyone else do all the time. Using all of these tropes isn't necessarily a bad thing, it's mostly a matter of how they're handled, I think. Even so, they're used so often, with little or no thought put into them that they kind of bog down the experience.
Basically, I urge you to try and put a little more thought into these things if you really want to use them anyway. Why is your OC the way they are? What does everyone else like about them? So on and so forth.
And the way I see it, if you really love these characters, then you have to treat them with the same respect you'd give a living person. They deserve that much from all of us, I'd say.
Lastly, thank you for reading, and again, I hope nobody gets discouraged after reading this story. Oh and...
Step 22: Keep going back and editing this because you keep rethinking how to word what you're trying to convey with this freaking parody every five seconds.
- Sincerely, Draco